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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

184 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 14:00

I received cm for 4 children at £7 a week. I split up with my ex 4 years ago and since then he has been an absolute nightmare, refused to parent and refused to pay. He spent half the time not paying a penny but has now been paying £7 a week for over a year. I thought over the years he may finally get a job so kept the case open but 4 years down the line I’ve given up hope of that. I’ve now decided to cancel the claim because I don’t want the £7 a week, it’s a pathetic amount and just a constant reminder of how little he gets away with. It’s been really frowned upon though and people seem to think you should claim it no matter what even if it is pennies, I’ve even been told it’s not my money it’s theirs Confused and that I would be “depriving” them of it and they will be missing out. It works out to £1.75 a week per child not sure how cancelling it can be seen as depriving them in anyway. Has anyone else cancelled cm or just decided not to claim at all?

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 30/12/2020 09:45

Please do not cancel op. In March last year I was told my gs's dad was not working any more by CMS. I am a gp carer. I knew he was in construction and working. But they always believe the DWP assessment so you are on the backfoot.

I had to go outside CMS to another Gov Office to complain. They passed it to Financial Investigations and guess what, I was right. He was working all along. I was made out a liar even though I produced good quality evidence. CMS always try to fob you off and hide between ludicrous script talk. I think many of them take a lot of abuse and have become hardened and lack empathy for the children they are there to assist.

My matter is still ongoing. I last heard mid October. You need to bear this in mind about getting matters sorted. A year to them is nothing, but a year to a child without financial support is massive.

He may be assessed as fit to work at some time op. Your claim is in the system, do please keep it there.

boredinthouse · 30/12/2020 10:01

OP this is your DC's money not yours. Some of your posts read as though you're trying to prove you're the "better parent" rather than doing what is in your DC best interests.

Yes it's a shit amount, but if you cancel it you're cancelling their money which could be saved up to a decent amount. I'm sure he's a shit parent but can't you claim the money, ignore him and hold your head high knowing that you claimed for your kids all you could off their father and didn't cut your nose off to spite your face.

LuaDipa · 30/12/2020 10:36

It’s entirely up to you if you collect this money or not op. I completely agree that even over a year this paltry amount isn’t going to cover much. If it makes you feel better to not accept it then do so - it’s only you it affects.

To be honest, I am far more angry at the system that allows him to pull this disrespectful shit than at you for deciding not to be part of it.

rawlikesushi · 30/12/2020 10:37

In the future, he will tell them that he offered to help and you refused it.

If you are scathing about the amount, he will say it is all he could manage as he was too ill to work.

I would rather the rhetoric be that I had accepted everything offered. Your kids will make up their own minds about their dad, in due course.

Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 10:47

@Givemeabreak88

SpiderinaWingMirror

Thank you yes that’s it really, I just don’t get the whole you must claim it no matter what even if it’s 17p. Sometimes it just isn’t worth it! And I can’t imagine many kids grow up being angry at their mum for not claiming £7 when they were a child Confused

Because perhaps that £7 is the only connection to their dad. He may be a shit one, he might be incapable, he might be a bastard, but he is the father they have and that one connection to him might be more important to them than you know.

If your children are of an age where they can talk to you about it you should seek their views. It is their money after all.

waitinggame108 · 30/12/2020 11:27

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Agree

OP are you planning on cancelling your child benefit payments as well?

lyralalala · 30/12/2020 11:31

@ElizaLaLa

It's true though. She begrudge people that get 500pw but maybe she should have chose a man in a better position to get babied up by.
It's only true if you can see into the future. Can you guarantee that someone isn't going to get sick? Or get hit by a bus? Or get ill during a pandemic and suffer long term issues?
Theunamedcat · 30/12/2020 12:15

@ElizaLaLa

It's true though. She begrudge people that get 500pw but maybe she should have chose a man in a better position to get babied up by.
FML seriously? My ex worked till we split now he won't because he would have to pay me something towards the upkeep of OUR children
londonscalling · 30/12/2020 12:55

I decided against getting money from my ex. It was such a tiny amount that it was insulting and annoying. It was not worth getting upset and wound up over. It made me feel better to think I could do it without his help. It was a long time ago, and things change, but I felt that if he's not contributing then he can't have much say in what I do!

CareBear50 · 30/12/2020 13:05

OP your ex is s total and utter ass.

But don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

£350 is not a lot of money...but as others have said.....have a lovely weekend away w the kids, if you can stomach taking the money off the useless sod

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 13:15

Some of these comments are laughable! I don’t begrudged anyone that gets more I just get annoyed knowing I get £7, do any of you get £7 to know that you wouldn’t feel the same?! My ex always worked until he developed his mental illness thank you very much! Sorry for not seeing that coming, I guess it’s my fault for not predicting that, then he quit his job and went on pip! I don’t begrudge anyone else just pissed off with the amount I get.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 13:17

Oh and you say he is willing to pay me?! What a joke that comment is, he isn’t willing to pay it is taken directly from his benefits, he has NO choice, he has ignored every single cm letter they’ve ever sent him! At one point they were going to take him to court for liability order because he was ignoring every letter but as soon as they said they were going to do that suddenly he went on benefits (I guess to stop it?) how is taking someone’s benefit money before they even get it, willing? Hmm

OP posts:
caringcarer · 30/12/2020 13:26

I would have it go into an account in children's name that way you don't have to see it so it should not wind you up but money is got DC and they are entitled to it. It is pitiful but when they leave education and he stops paying it share it between them and I would point out that is what your Dad chose to pay towards your upkeep during your childhood. I got £675 per month for 1 child 6 years ago and I knew he was not paying what he should have. He did give some additional money to kids directly though or buy them stuff like new trainers. At the end of the day it shows how much or how little he values his children. They will see this.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 13:41

I’m still confused by the he is willing to pay comment? Please explain how something being taken directly out of your benefits before you even get them is willing? I don’t call the willing! It is collect and pay not direct pay since he refused to ever communicate with them.

OP posts:
user1471462428 · 30/12/2020 13:42

Could you donate it to refuge every month and think of the women you help flee abusive situations. I’m on my arse financially thanks to my ex but when that changes I will donate to them regularly.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 30/12/2020 14:03

Please don't cancel . It's not much but £7 a week will buy a simple meal for your children if times get tough. Plus it shows them that their dad might be a dick but mum tried her best

Lachimolala · 30/12/2020 17:59

It’s all I get for my eldest, like PP have said it’s a fairy few hundred a year, yes it’s disgusting and disgraceful they get away with paying so little (mine pays all his business profit to his GF and pays himself a pittance) so he is deliberately cheating our son out of money. And it took me 9 years to get him to actually pay it.

It makes me feel VERY angry and genuinely I could send him to swim with the fishes, but either way it goes straight into my sons bank account which does add up after a while.

Lachimolala · 30/12/2020 17:59

Keep claiming it and treat the kids to a takeaway every month.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 18:42

But mines between 4 children not one so a little bit different. It’s £1.75 each really. I just don’t want any more ties to him I guess. It feels like the last tie to him, maybe the kids will think the £7 between them that was forced out of their dads account was their only tie to their father and feel devastated (doubt it) when they are older but I’m still waiting to here how him having it forced out of his benefits is him willing to pay...

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 19:03

Are you really? Why you do you care what a random person on the Internet said? You've made up your mind so go for it.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 19:05

Well it’s a bit crazy to say he is willing to pay when it’s taken out of his benefits without much choice so yes I would like to know but thanks for your contribution Hmm

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 19:18

You know he's not willing to pay so who cares. Seriously you've asked them 3 times - what are you looking for them to say? Are you looking for an apology? You're angry with your ex not the randomer on mumsnet.

... And your welcome. Any time.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 30/12/2020 19:21

You’re right. Just found the comment odd. But doesn’t matter really, I know it’s not the case so doesn’t matter what some random says.

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 19:27

It's despicable that men (mostly men) get away with this shit. You sound like you're providing everything your kids need. Your reward is their love and respect forever. His punishment is losing them. Do what you think is best for you as a unit. If you need to be free of this link with him to move forwards and be happy then do it. If you can have it put straight into a separate account and forget about it do that.

SnailortheWhale · 30/12/2020 19:32

OP I’m pretty sure you posted about this just a few days ago. You seem really cross that people are giving you very logical and sound reasons not to cancel it, as they did on your other thread. I happen to agree that you should leave it running but you seem to very strongly want people to tell you to cancel it, so why not just go ahead and do that, it’s your decision 🤷‍♀️

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