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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

184 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 14:00

I received cm for 4 children at £7 a week. I split up with my ex 4 years ago and since then he has been an absolute nightmare, refused to parent and refused to pay. He spent half the time not paying a penny but has now been paying £7 a week for over a year. I thought over the years he may finally get a job so kept the case open but 4 years down the line I’ve given up hope of that. I’ve now decided to cancel the claim because I don’t want the £7 a week, it’s a pathetic amount and just a constant reminder of how little he gets away with. It’s been really frowned upon though and people seem to think you should claim it no matter what even if it is pennies, I’ve even been told it’s not my money it’s theirs Confused and that I would be “depriving” them of it and they will be missing out. It works out to £1.75 a week per child not sure how cancelling it can be seen as depriving them in anyway. Has anyone else cancelled cm or just decided not to claim at all?

OP posts:
Twillow · 29/12/2020 16:16

@Givemeabreak88

Twillow

Really? Even if I did that I wouldn’t want them to be grateful to him? It was forced out of his benefits.

You misunderstand me OP! It will be likely be such an insignificant sum -
7x52=£364 a year, unsure how old your children are so how many years it would be building up. Alternatively, save it for a nice holiday with the children in a few years time.
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 16:17

You said earlier you’d claim if it were more money, so don’t go making out it’s now a point of principle not to claim. You’re angry about the value (ok it’s shit) and throwing your toys out over it.

Well of course it’s about the amount! If he was paying £700 then it would make a difference to our lives but £7 doesn’t so why claim it. I never said it wasn’t about the amount. When I hear of people getting hundreds I feel really resentful, I’m not saying they shouldn’t get it but it does feel like a kick in the teeth when I heard someone getting £500 a month and we get £7 so yes I would rather not have it.

OP posts:
Tinacollada · 29/12/2020 16:17

OP what are you actually on about ?!

It's terribly pitiful amount u agree but why don't you just do a standing order for the same amount to a savings account and get it out of your head?

You don't need to tell the kids it was from him.

If you don't want to accept it that's up to you and you don't need to ask mumsnet.....

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 29/12/2020 16:18

Personally I think you'd be mad to cancel a claim. I'd pursue my ex via the cms if I were a multi millionaire and he were unemployed. Because I didn't make those children on my own. We both wanted them so should both pay for them.

lyralalala · 29/12/2020 16:21

If you want to stop then stop.

With my ex I had his paid into a separate account and let it build up into a fund that I kept for emergencies. I didn't consider it his money or him solving the emergency as our girls cost way more than twice his contribution, but it was just an easy and non-aggravating way to do it.

It also meant when he claimed, years later, to the girls that he paid a fortune every month I could show them exactly how much he paid.

lyralalala · 29/12/2020 16:23

Have you had CMS look into his non-earned income? They usually need to be pushed, but they should take it into account.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 29/12/2020 16:24

Literally not one person told you it was ok or a decent amount. It’s shit. But I have no clue why you would cancel it. I’ve never had a penny off my ex, and even that paltry amount would have made some small difference.

bobby81 · 29/12/2020 16:25

I understand OP because I’m in a similar position, it’s the injustice that makes me so angry. My ex is self employed (and has absolutely no shame in lying about his earnings). I claim the pittance he throws my way because we would be worse off without it & as others have said it does add up over time, that doesn’t change how I feel about it though.

waitinggame108 · 29/12/2020 16:27

Unfair on your children to go without because you want to tit for tat with an ex.

Yes it's insane he pays so little

But it's more unreasonable if your not well off and comfortable, which assuming your not. To deprive your children of money from their own father?

Your being selfish and not acting in the best interests of your children.

Chloemol · 29/12/2020 16:29

Keep the claim. Put it in a separate account and share with the children later on

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 16:39

You mean go without £1.75 😐?? What is that depriving them of?

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 16:40

Your being selfish and not acting in the best interests of your children.

£7 makes no difference to their lives, funny how I’m being selfish but the father isn’t 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 16:42

Have you had CMS look into his non-earned income? They usually need to be pushed, but they should take it into account.

I’ve looked into it, he has a HA house and rents out his rooms, he is allowed to do this and still claim benefits which makes no sense but apparently it’s allowed, it’s cash in hand and cms aren’t interested in it, I’ve mentioned it to them they weren’t interested.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 29/12/2020 16:42

What did you hope to gain from the thread?

BillMasen · 29/12/2020 16:43

@Givemeabreak88

You said earlier you’d claim if it were more money, so don’t go making out it’s now a point of principle not to claim. You’re angry about the value (ok it’s shit) and throwing your toys out over it.

Well of course it’s about the amount! If he was paying £700 then it would make a difference to our lives but £7 doesn’t so why claim it. I never said it wasn’t about the amount. When I hear of people getting hundreds I feel really resentful, I’m not saying they shouldn’t get it but it does feel like a kick in the teeth when I heard someone getting £500 a month and we get £7 so yes I would rather not have it.

You literally said this

Maybe it’s an unpopular opinion but I think if your ex is absent why take money from them? If they don’t want nothing to do with their kids why force them to pay.

So yeah. You said it was principle, now it’s not

dottiedodah · 29/12/2020 16:43

Surely just save it as pocket money for them though? This would be a tidy little sum I think .

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 16:43

He doesn’t sub let he has lodgers which is allowed , just to be clear

OP posts:
Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 29/12/2020 16:44

You have every reason to feel furious. It is a pitiful amount and you are 100% justified in feeling hard done by. I’d still claim it though because you stopping it to sort of protest it’s stupidly low amount doesn’t actually hurt him in any way. It’s like you giving him £7 a week. Claim it even if you give it to gingerbread (single parent charity) or something.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 16:46

I did ask if anyone else has stopped claiming it or never has, My mind is already made up I’m not asking for people to tell me to claim it. I wanted to hear from others that don’t claim it either. I’m not sure why some people get so angry about those not choosing to claim it which is something else I was wondering about.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 29/12/2020 16:46

@Givemeabreak88

Have you had CMS look into his non-earned income? They usually need to be pushed, but they should take it into account.

I’ve looked into it, he has a HA house and rents out his rooms, he is allowed to do this and still claim benefits which makes no sense but apparently it’s allowed, it’s cash in hand and cms aren’t interested in it, I’ve mentioned it to them they weren’t interested.

He is allowed to do that as long as he has permission from the HA (it's often better to allow someone a lodger than them get into a financial mess and go through eviction and homelessness priorities). However, CMS should be looking into it. You will have to push them over it, hard, to make them do it though.

Another option is to report to HMRC. If he's renting out multiple rooms then he should likely be paying tax. Once they dig and sort the income CMS can be chased.

How many people does he rent to? I assume they are classed as lodgers. If he ever has more than 2 then he could also be classed as a HMO.

shamus2020 · 29/12/2020 16:47

I'd cancel it too op what a disgrace.

Givingitamiss · 29/12/2020 16:47

I haven't bothered chasing my ex for maintenance. It would be a similar amount to what you get and it would lead him to believe he is entitled to an opinion on how I spend it.

I pay for my children without his contribution and I'm proud of that.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 29/12/2020 16:56

He has a 3 bed house in central London, I know he is renting to at least 2 lodgers, I know it was 3 at one point whilst he slept in the living room but I can’t say what it is now as I don’t know anything about it now but I know that’s how he gets by, he will have at least 2 as he has the 3 bedrooms, he’s allowed to have the lodgers. It’s all cash in hand so would be impossible to prove and if I reported him he would know it was me (he always said if he ever got reported he would know it was me) so not worth any repercussions.

OP posts:
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 29/12/2020 17:02

Keep claiming. I get £28 a month don't even notice it, makes no difference to my life. But we are entitled to it OP and they should pay it.

WhatAreYouDoingInMySwamp · 29/12/2020 17:06

If it really makes no difference to your budget you could stick £7 a week in a savings accounts for years and use it to fund a family holiday or something.

I think you stop paying once the child is either 16 or 20 (if they remain in full time education). Assuming your kids stick around for a levels/college and then perhaps uni, you could use it to fund big 20th Birthday presents as a celebration?