To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

w0rkout · 2020-12-28T14:12:59+00:00

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

lovepickledlimes · 28/12/2020 14:19

I was a step child without even knowing. My father remarried with either of us knowing. The final sting was when with no will unfortunately everything that belonged to my dad's widow... she was very quick to take all of his belongings including childhood pictures leaving both me and my gran with hardly anything to remember him by

Anon19493 · 28/12/2020 14:20

So has anyone got any suggestions on what would have made their life as a stepchild easier?

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 14:21

@Anon19493

So has anyone got any suggestions on what would have made their life as a stepchild easier?

My step mother not being a horrible cow.

HeckyPeck · 28/12/2020 14:21

For some people being a step child is rubbish.

For me, I gained two wonderful step parents who have always been kind and loving as well as one introducing me to a hobby that I still do now. I also gained my lovely step siblings who have all enhanced my life.

I'm so pleased that my parents found people who made them happy too rather than staying alone.

Just for some balance ☺️

SuperCaliFragalistic · 28/12/2020 14:22

I tried to present my DDs experience of being a step child but was told I was wrong. So, I'll leave it for now.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 14:23

@Anon19493

So has anyone got any suggestions on what would have made their life as a stepchild easier?

Not making them second class citizens in their own homes would be a start.

Step-children's lives will always be complicated though simply because their parents aren't together and have other people in their lives whether they like it or not. The relationship dynamics will never be the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 14:23

@SuperCaliFragalistic

I tried to present my DDs experience of being a step child but was told I was wrong. So, I'll leave it for now.

No don't! You made some very interesting points. People just don't want to hear it

OP posts:

lovepickledlimes · 28/12/2020 14:26

I think one thing I resent my dad for is not having a back bone and letting his new wife feel she was a priority rather then his parents or own child. After a summer of new wife showing me where exactly my rank was (numours times asking my to make me or her happy) I knew he would always pick her over me

Mynamenotaccepted · 28/12/2020 14:27

Hope it wasn't my comment that got the previous thread deleted!

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 28/12/2020 14:27

I was a step-child and was much happier and content with my step-mum than my birth mother. I choose to call her that because she was an abusive narcissist arsehole who didn't want me and did the bare minimum she could get away with when raising me. I moved to Australia with my dad and step-mum, who I call mum, when I was 9 and my birth mother barely bothered with me from one year to the next.
I don't have children or step-children but if I did I would hope to treat them with as much love and care as my mum did.

Wishitsnows · 28/12/2020 14:27

I feel so sorry for children that have to go between houses. I would have hated that even if the non resident parent and step parents are nice. Must be unsettling. I'm sure some are OK with it but I think they are probably the minority.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 14:28

Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

People will tell me this is all trivial but it's a sense of not belonging and discomfort that really stays with a person.

So @Anon19493 how do you fix all that?

OP posts:

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 14:28

I agree. I always suspected my stepdad saw me and my brother as an inconvenience and a constant reminder that my mum had had a sexual relationship before him.
I was right.
I know many many people who have step families. Very, very few of those have good relationships with their parents now.
When you marry someone who doesn't love your children as you do, there has to be a compromise. You can't both put the kids first and understand why and be happy with that choice. The biological parent is often forced to choose between the step parent and their child/ren. It rarely works in the kids' favour.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 14:28

@Mynamenotaccepted

Hope it wasn't my comment that got the previous thread deleted!

No it was a TAAT and someone must have reported

OP posts:

Phoenix21 · 28/12/2020 14:31

@Anon19493

So has anyone got any suggestions on what would have made their life as a stepchild easier?

IMO - the SK parents taking full responsibility and being protective of their children.

I’ve distanced myself from a friend who is horrible to her SKs, I’ve tried talking to her but she seems to hate/resent the kids. However, it’s dads fault. He puts both his children and my friend in shit positions, doesn’t protect his children and leaves the responsibility to her.

Those poor kids are having their childhoods ruined because their dad exposed them to a woman who clearly despises them but is too weak to leave a relationship because ‘we’d be ok if it wasn’t for his kids’.

Personally I would have dumped him a long time ago, the kids come as a package she cannot accept them so the elements of the relationship don’t work.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 14:31

@w0rkout

Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

People will tell me this is all trivial but it's a sense of not belonging and discomfort that really stays with a person.

So @Anon19493 how do you fix all that?

Not being in a house with two parents that love you is a big thing. Different rules for resident children during the week when step-children aren't there. Different amounts of money spent on resident children

OP posts:

Namechangeme87 · 28/12/2020 14:31

I read some awful stuff on here from step parents tbh . I wouldn’t get involved with someone with a child if I wasn’t prepared to form a positive relationship with that child ( providing that’s what they want )

I am no longer with my “step sons “ dad ( my own dcs half siblings ) and I used the inverted commas as I’m not technically his step mum . we still have a relationship and they stay over here still sometimes and we have days out . All adults and dc happy with this arrangement as I was part of his life from him being a baby and we have a bond . He doesn’t see his biological grandparents on either side and my parents treat him as another grandchild . So as you can imagine I don’t have much sympathy for people who make step children feel pushed out

If I ever get into a serious relationship again I will be very careful about who I invite Into my own dcs lives aswell

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/12/2020 14:31

@Anon19493

So has anyone got any suggestions on what would have made their life as a stepchild easier?

Not being one and not having other children come along. Sadly, adult wants seem to prevail in many cases.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2020 14:32

@Wishitsnows

I feel so sorry for children that have to go between houses. I would have hated that even if the non resident parent and step parents are nice. Must be unsettling. I'm sure some are OK with it but I think they are probably the minority.

I never minded that. It just felt like I had two homes.

My dad remarried when I was in my twenties and that’s when the trouble started.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 14:32

I agree with @IceCreamAndCandyfloss

The children need to be put first until they're adults and can understand

OP posts:

SquidInALid · 28/12/2020 14:35

Yes. I agree with your list.
Also getting close to step parents then them leaving and having to start again with the next fella.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2020 14:36

I’m a stepchild. My parents got it right in that they didn’t expect their partner’s world to revolve around me, and I had and still have a healthy and happy relationship with both of my stepparents. I learned that I wasn’t entitled to anything and everything and that I wasn’t more important than others just because my parents were no longer together.

To be honest my experience as a stepchild shaped my attitude when I was a stepmum, and that’s when it got tricky as my experience as a child was seemingly not the norm.

My stepparents are both awesome. They have always got the balance perfect and supported by my two awesome parents.

QueenofLouisiana · 28/12/2020 14:37

My step-father has been a waaaay better dad than my actual father. He gave me away when I got married (my father wouldn’t travel from the home abroad that he moved to when I was 17/18). He’s DS’s cherished grandad and was there to hold him minutes after he was born.

Out of 3 adult children in our blended family, I am the one caring for our parents- my step siblings have largely opted out. We all had the same opportunities from the blended family, although what happened in the “other parent’s” home would obviously be different.

My stepmothers have all been kind, but more distant.

Mintjulia · 28/12/2020 14:37

For some, being a step child is a bad experience. For some, being a step parent is a bad experience.

Neither is great. The blame, if it is worth apportioning blame, can lie with anyone or everyone involved.

I'm an ex-step mum (to adult dsc), who has chosen to remain single to protect my ds.

I'm sorry you were/are unhappy.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 14:37

@funinthesun19

I’m a stepchild. My parents got it right in that they didn’t expect their partner’s world to revolve around me, and I had and still have a healthy and happy relationship with both of my stepparents. I learned that I wasn’t entitled to anything and everything and that I wasn’t more important than others just because my parents were no longer together.

To be honest my experience as a stepchild shaped my attitude when I was a stepmum, and that’s when it got tricky as my experience as a child was seemingly not the norm.

My stepparents are both awesome. They have always got the balance perfect and supported by my two awesome parents.

I don't think anyone thinks people are more important because their parents aren't together.

It's more about not being less equal.

OP posts: