Page 22 | To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

w0rkout · 2020-12-28T14:12:59+00:00

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 21:47

@RedMarauder absolutely. I’d go so far as to say it’s common.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 21:47

This thread is getting derailed with semantics, it's a shame.

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:47

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Here's another example:

"My partner is a terrible person"

Versus

"I sometimes don't like my partner at all, he gets right on my nerves... here's why..."

In the first one, I'm blaming him for his personality - he is intrinsically a bad person and I have no role within that dynamic. In the second, I'm acknowledging a relational dynamic in which my partner has an impact on how I feel, which I want to vent about ....

I hope this makes the point enough for to understand the difference in why I would be more sympathetic to one and less so to the other.

Bollss · 28/12/2020 21:47

I've not wavered in my stance once
But you think that children should be treated exactly the same if they have the same parents, except if they're a resident child, and then it's fine. Come on, you've got an MA you must understand.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:48

@w0rkout

This thread is getting derailed with semantics, it's a shame.

And people being accused of "gaslighting" and "bullshit". For adding their own views. Which is equally a shame ...

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 21:48

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I've not wavered in my stance once But you think that children should be treated exactly the same if they have the same parents, except if they're a resident child, and then it's fine. Come on, you've got an MA you must understand.

I think they should be treated exactly the same by the parent they share. No "except".

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:51

Can I just clarify:
I'm not stupid. I can read. I have a MA. I have a good job. I am a worth while human being. My opinions are valid. My experiences are valid.
Disagreeing with you doesn't make someone stupid.

Who said you were stupid? I haven't once accused you of being anything, I've simply broken down my point so it can be better understood. On the other hand, I've been accused of "gaslighting" and talking "Bullshit".

Aligning my sympathies with the children between step families doesn't make me a bad person.

Who said it did? Equally, aligning my sympathies with step parents and being able to see the positives in being a step child doesn't make me a bad person who talks "bullshit".

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 21:52

I think The List Has v little to do with step parents and everything to do with split parents.

And I don’t think the op realises fully that generalising that and not talking specifics is incredibly hurtful to people like me and is going to get a reaction.

I find the ya made ya bed incredibly rude. Yes. I did. I picked badly. What was I supposed to do? Stay and continue to be abused?

To Vent about a specific situation is different.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2020 21:53

The stepparenting board was frightening a few years ago. Some women on there were first wives and they were absolutely vicious. Absolute nasty fucking bitches in fact. Nowadays they’d just get shot down.

There are now some fantastic posters on there who speak up for stepparents - stepmums in particular.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:53

Please stop. I will not going to agree with you.

Please stop having a different opinion?

And if you don't want people to argue with you I suggest you refrain from accusing them of "bullshit" and "gaslighting" on a public forum.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 21:55

@funinthesun19

The stepparenting board was frightening a few years ago. Some women on there were first wives and they were absolutely vicious. Absolute nasty fucking bitches in fact. Nowadays they’d just get shot down.

There are now some fantastic posters on there who speak up for stepparents - stepmums in particular.

I'm glad I didn't frequent it years ago then! I find it bad enough now

SimonJT · 28/12/2020 21:55

A child having a negative experience is due to their parents failing to appropriately provide for them, whether that is allowing a step parent to be unkind, being excluded etc. The person allowing it to happen is the parent.

I think people often blame the step parents as it is easier than admitting that their parent was the problem.

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 21:59

I most certainly am not.

You, however, are rude and aggressive and unable to take any kind of disagreement.

That being so, why did you post in AIBU?

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 21:59

@SimonJT

A child having a negative experience is due to their parents failing to appropriately provide for them, whether that is allowing a step parent to be unkind, being excluded etc. The person allowing it to happen is the parent.

I think people often blame the step parents as it is easier than admitting that their parent was the problem.

The step parents also have a choice to not be unkind. As adults they can choose how they behave, they're not passive vessels that need to be told how to act by their partner

OP posts:

SimonJT · 28/12/2020 22:00

@w0rkout But it is the parent who is choosing to expose their child to someone who is unkind etc, the parent can choose to change or, or they can choose for it to happen.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 22:00

@Nnkk

I most certainly am not.

You, however, are rude and aggressive and unable to take any kind of disagreement.

That being so, why did you post in AIBU?

I'm rude and aggressive to you, yes. You keep banging on about one comment I made that I've said didn't include your situation.

Why does anyone post in AIBU

OP posts:

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 22:00

@potkettleblock

It’s not ideal to be a child of separated parents but I think it’s less ideal being brought up in an unhappy household where the parents are staying together ‘for the kids’.

Interesting that all the blame is placed on the step parents rather than on the parents when the child has had a bad experience. Mostly blaming the step mother rather than the father.

These wicked step mothers were only able to treat you badly because your father allowed it. You are his child, his responsibility, it happened because he let it happen. You are the victim of a shit father who didn’t care enough to protect you first and foremost.

I’m a single parent, both ExH and I have remained single so no particular skin in this game. Just sick of the ‘evil stepmother’ narrative when the blame should lie with the shit father every time. Whether he is ‘weak’ or not.

Well said.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 22:01

[quote SimonJT]@w0rkout But it is the parent who is choosing to expose their child to someone who is unkind etc, the parent can choose to change or, or they can choose for it to happen.[/quote]
I agree, but the step parent isn't always 100% innocent as some people are making out to be.

OP posts:

Nnkk · 28/12/2020 22:01

If my partner was unkind to my children, they wouldn’t be my partner any more because I put my children first.

I’m sorry your father didn’t do that for you.

funinthesun19 · 28/12/2020 22:03

I'm glad I didn't frequent it years ago then! I find it bad enough now

Oh it was awful. Put it this way, the threads we see on there now would have been derailed by now with stupid sarcastic irrelevant posts while they have a good laugh amongst themselves. They really were horrible people.

Bollss · 28/12/2020 22:03

I think they should be treated exactly the same by the parent they share. No "except

Yeah sure, you never answered us when we questioned whether the other parent was allowed to buy their own child presents , did you?

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 22:03

I agree, but the step parent isn't always 100% innocent as some people are making out to be.

Neither are they completely "evil", as some posters on here (and other boards) like to make out. Sometimes they're up against really shitty situations just trying to do their best.

Original poster

w0rkout · 28/12/2020 22:04

@LouJ85

I agree, but the step parent isn't always 100% innocent as some people are making out to be.

Neither are they completely "evil", as some posters on here (and other boards) like to make out. Sometimes they're up against really shitty situations just trying to do their best.

I don't think anyone has said they're all evil. You're making it up as you go along now

OP posts:

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2020 22:05

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I think they should be treated exactly the same by the parent they share. No "except

Yeah sure, you never answered us when we questioned whether the other parent was allowed to buy their own child presents , did you?

Because I tried to stop interacting with you after seeing how fruitless and unproductive it was.