To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

@Merryoldgoat

My DH and I are currently very happy. However if anything happened and we split I would not be creating a step family or any kind.

I’m not willing to risk my existing children’s security for anything.

Very nice to hear. I feel the same c

[quote Tistheseason17]@Anon19493

Daily expense - yes. But, the same money being spent on Christmas and birthday presents is reasonable.
Why should the visiting children see their half siblings open fab presents from their Dad with StepM and then get something of less value because StepM did not want Dad to spend the money.
Are you a step parent? Or step child? (I'm neither but I can see fairness is reasonable)[/quote]
Are you a step parent? Or step child?

She's appalled that we think the dad should spend the same on clothes and Christmas presents on all his children. She's twisting it to make out we want him to buy extra food in for kids who won't be there to eat it...
Take a wild guess what perspective she's coming from 🙄

but her grandparents don't even invite us on holidays where we'd pay for ourselves.

But why would they? It's lovely your grandparents do but that's their choice. I'm guessing you mean your step mum's parents? Maybe they just want to spend time with their grandchild?

I commented before
I was a step-child, I am now a step-mum to 6 wonderful kids, and I have 2 biological children.
I think it is the luck of the draw when it comes to finding compatible ground in both situations.
Some step- parents are vile. They go into relationships and expect to set out their lives in such a way that it all works out great for them... Then the step-child who has no say whatsoever when it comes to their parents moving onto new relationships, is expected to " fit in" that's hard to do! Half the time they are made to feel like a square peg, trying to fit into a round hole. Some step-parents expect to have their rules obeyed, but if it was the child's home before, why should they have to be the ones to adjust?
I've read situations where step-parents gloat on how much they despise their step-children, and make no effort to engage or tolerate. They make no allowances for the difficulties a step-child faces. They seem to forget that it's not just their needs and wants that count.
If my knowledge kids ever found themselves in such a situation like that, they wouldn't be going.
It's the adults that make the decisions, the kids have to just make the best of it, and why should they?
Many enter step roles thinking the kids will only be around a while, so it won't impact on their lives. Huge mistake! The kids will be a huge part of their partners lives, and it will be as much their home. You'll often get an ex-wife/partner thrown into the mix too. Adopting the attitude that you'll leave it all for your partner to deal with works ok for a while, but it soon wears thin. I think people should be more realistic when it comes to step-parenting. If you want to be the centre of someone's universe/ attention... I'd give it a miss, you'll be right down the pecking order. That's how it should be really, as the kids should come first.

Despite all this I have a great relationship with my dad and step mum, all siblings.

I barely speak to my mum but that's a wider issue and I don't speak to my step father because he was bordering on emotionally abusive with me

@Anon19493

but her grandparents don't even invite us on holidays where we'd pay for ourselves.

But why would they? It's lovely your grandparents do but that's their choice. I'm guessing you mean your step mum's parents? Maybe they just want to spend time with their grandchild?

Yes. But if we didn't include my step sister there would be merry hell.

My whole issue with blended families is that people aren't treated equally.

You can't seem to grasp that.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken I'm not twisting anything. Your post references clothes - which is exactly what mine said. I didn't mention food. A person needs more clothes if they live somewhere 365 days a year than for somewhere they live say 50-100 days a year. If I buy the same amount of clothes for a stepchild in that situation, I've essentially spent a minimum of 3x more on them than a resident child. How is that fair on the resident child?

Daily expense - yes. But, the same money being spent on Christmas and birthday presents is reasonable.
Why should the visiting children see their half siblings open fab presents from their Dad with StepM and then get something of less value because StepM did not want Dad to spend the money.

That was never the case when I was a stepparent. Presents and holidays were always equal. But every day expenses just weren’t the same.

Are you a step parent? Or step child? (I'm neither but I can see fairness is reasonable)
I used to be a stepparent. I’m still in contact with my former dsc and had them round at Christmas. It’s not them I have the issue with. It’s other adults including dsc’s mum. I’m just glad I’m not in that role anymore.
I’ve been a stepchild since I was 11.

I am a stepchild 4 times over.

I have had 1 negative experience (1st stepmother) and 3 people who enriched my life and my children's for the last one as stepmothers 2 and 3 plus stepfather.

I never minded not being able to say " mum and dad" I had my mother and stepfather it was fine to say mum and (his name)

Different clothes - didn;t happen for me anywhere
Different meal times - did happen but was presented as a positive thing as we were exploring things and I do not recall having any issues with this.

Different snack allowances - happened with step mother 1 I disliked it intently. As an adult I actually think she had a better grip on healthy eating she was just poor at presenting it.

Different levels of freedom - didn't happen for me parents stuck with what freedom child was allowed at other parent

Different expectation around phone/gaming use - many years ago so I shall use different expectation for using the TV stepmother 1 monitored ALL tv use you had to explain why it was good for you to watch (pretty hard for a 11-year-old who wanted to watch dynasty) I hated it. stepdad and stepmother 2 didn't mind what we watched as long as it was age-appropriate.

Different town - with 1 stepmother this was the case.. however my mother was the one who moved away first so again I never minded this. Also dad and stepmother 1 lived in a large town and we in a small one and I used to LOVE it.

Different friends/no friends because only there EOW... yes this happened but I also had my brother there when I went so again I do not recall this a issue

No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW n/a

Christmas without father every year Yes this happened however for my brother it was Christmas without mother every year (bro with father me with mother) As an adult I have spent christmasses with my dad. I have only positive memories of Christmas and my dad used to do a 2nd Christmas every year for us all..

Never just saying 'mum and dad' As above.

Having step and half siblings Didn't like 1st step sister she was the golden child who could do nothing wrong. I was blamed every time there was an issue as i was " the oldest" 2nd lot of stepsiblings i grew close to and I still have contact with. 3rd I've never met as my father remarried when I was almost 30

Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more -
I have never felt guilty for not loving my step-siblings as much as my full siblings (I have no half).

Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW- this happened with stepmother 1 by the time it was stepmother 2 We were so welomedand the home was a wonderful warm place to be I relaxed more there as a teenager than with my mother who could really have issues.

I am not saying there is not issue with being a stepchild. However, there are also positives. my children call my stepdad for grandad as he earned that title. He took on a woman with 3 children and he has treated them well and calls our children his grandchildren.

Do I have negative experiences absolutely... Stepmother 1 was not ready for taking on a man with children she was still to guilt ridden by leaving her child with her x. As an adult I understand this. As a child I felt she was the devil at lot of the time.

However for me stepmother 2 and stepdad were loving welcoming people I am pleased I had in my life. Stepmother 3 arrived when I was almost 30 and she was a kind lady to my children and my niece. She made my father happy.. It was good.

Its way moreabout how the adults manage it than it is about the step child. and sadly that can be complicated

[quote Anon19493]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken I'm not twisting anything. Your post references clothes - which is exactly what mine said. I didn't mention food. A person needs more clothes if they live somewhere 365 days a year than for somewhere they live say 50-100 days a year. If I buy the same amount of clothes for a stepchild in that situation, I've essentially spent a minimum of 3x more on them than a resident child. How is that fair on the resident child?[/quote]
You're awful. Wilfully misunderstanding and playing dumb.

Being "taken on" by a freeloading stranger and having to be grateful for that for the rest of your life. Being a second class citizen within your own family.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

I tried to present my DDs experience of being a step child but was told I was wrong. So, I'll leave it for now.

You have every right to share your experiences. Your comments are as valid as everyone else's.

Please don’t tar all step parents with the same brush. I am a step mother. My DSS made the choice to live with me and DH full time when he was 11. His Mum is an alcoholic who would regularly let him down. She cheated on DH and attacked him when they were married. DSS witnessed the violence. He has had a happy stable home with us and his brother. We have done our wills and everything is split between DSS and DS. As far as I am concerned we have a happy family home and I love him dearly.

*Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW*

But most of these things have nothing to do with being a "step child"

They're the results of being a child from a broken home

Also I will point out. My dad and stepmum have always adored my former dsc. But the amount of time and money they put in to my children was a lot more and that’s a very normal and fine dynamic to have.

It's wrong that there would be merry hell. But it's not wrong for you to not be included. Sorry but you don't mean as much to your stepmums parents as their own grandchild fgs! I wouldn't expect my Mum to provide as much childcare to my stepchild as she does to her own bloody grandchild. And I wouldn't expect her to spend as much or anything else for a child she barely sees vs a child she sees all the time.

Unfortunately many people prioritise relationships over children.

I’d be happy to remain single or in completely separate casual relationships if I were single again - no one would be involved in my children’s lives.

My sister had an absolute car crash of a relationship with her son’s father. It’s scarred her and her son. But she’s absolutely desperate to meet someone and have more children.

She’s not at all sensible to upheaval creating a step family would cause to her already damaged son.

I'd imagine that the experience of being a stepchild can be as varied as being a child generally.
My half sister was treated the same as my brother and I by my father, and as badly as me by our Mother, who really only had time for my insufferable brother.

I'm not misunderstanding anything and I'm not awful just because I disagree with you. My stepchild is loved by everyone in her life. I just don't think we need to spend as much on her as a child who lives with us full time, or include her in every tiny little thing or change our house rules just because her Mum disagrees.

@Greysparkles

*Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW*

But most of these things have nothing to do with being a "step child"

They're the results of being a child from a broken home

Potato/potarto

It's wrong that there would be merry hell. But it's not wrong for you to not be included. Sorry but you don't mean as much to your stepmums parents as their own grandchild fgs! I wouldn't expect my Mum to provide as much childcare to my stepchild as she does to her own bloody grandchild. And I wouldn't expect her to spend as much or anything else for a child she barely sees vs a child she sees all the time.

Some harsh truths there that people don’t want to accept.

Oh and FWIW Christmas is equal, clothes, books etc are not since she's not here all the time!

@Anon19493

It's wrong that there would be merry hell. But it's not wrong for you to not be included. Sorry but you don't mean as much to your stepmums parents as their own grandchild fgs! I wouldn't expect my Mum to provide as much childcare to my stepchild as she does to her own bloody grandchild. And I wouldn't expect her to spend as much or anything else for a child she barely sees vs a child she sees all the time.

I'm taking about expectation being fair. And in my family, it's not fair.

OP, you state that some of these things are inevitable: yet most of the things you list don't seem inevitable to all step families. You also seem to be ignoring the voices of those step children who say their experience was different.

I am not a step child, nor do I have step children.

But I do know that the things you list (different allowances, snack allowances, number of pictures displayed) did not apply to my db's step-daughter. She thought of db as her dad, he thought of her as his daughter. The one person who only contributed intermittently to her life was her bio-dad, though there were never any attempts to erase him: being flakey was entirely his choice.

@Anon19493

I'm not misunderstanding anything and I'm not awful just because I disagree with you. My stepchild is loved by everyone in her life. I just don't think we need to spend as much on her as a child who lives with us full time, or include her in every tiny little thing or change our house rules just because her Mum disagrees.

You're distilling the posts down to a ridiculous level. Stop twisting.