To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

@Anon19493

I'm not misunderstanding anything and I'm not awful just because I disagree with you. My stepchild is loved by everyone in her life. I just don't think we need to spend as much on her as a child who lives with us full time, or include her in every tiny little thing or change our house rules just because her Mum disagrees.

And we're just saying we pity that child.

I'm a stepchild, whose parent went on to have more children. I have always been a second-class-citizen, and even now I'm middle aged with kids of my own it hurts. I've never, ever mattered the way my brother and sister do. Doesn't do much for your self esteem. Please be kind step parents, none of it is a child's making.

@funinthesun19

Also I will point out. My dad and stepmum have always adored my former dsc. But the amount of time and money they put in to my children was a lot more and that’s a very normal and fine dynamic to have.

It's fine for you and your kids but for lots of step children isn't at all. Especially if they don't have their own grandparents then they're living in a home where one set of children are more loved than another. It feels awful for some kids. None of that is their fault.

@ImDoingMe

Of course, some people like their stepparents, but many don't.

My mum died and my dad hooked up with SM days later, although he denies this. From the day I met her she wanted my dad to be a parent to her DC and to have nothing to do with us. When my mum died, I lost my dad too. SM belittled me, divided and conquered me and my siblings, patronised us, and made PA comments about my mum. My dad once fell out with her because according to him he was sick of her slagging us off.

We have not spent Christmas with my dad since they met, decades ago. He doesn't know his blood GGC but is heavily involved with hers. I was once in his house and her DGC came over and demanded to know who I was and who my DC were and why they were calling him Grandad.

My DH tells me that if he was his dad he wouldn't bother with him at all but I have already lost one parent and so put up with this shit. I am upset every Christmas. He just spent Christmas and Boxing day with them and will see us sometime in Jan, pandemic allowing. Even my DH who is very chilled out and never comments on anyone says that she is one of the nastiest, most ignorant people he has ever met.

Her family get all the good bits and we deal with all the shit. He only shows them his fun, strong side. My siblings and I are the ones that get the phone calls about his health, his boredom, how achy he is, the tears when he is unhappy and gets told to look after him when he is sick.

As a result of this, I would NEVER inflict a stepmother on my DC or a stepfather. I just wouldn't do it. For the last 30 years of my life, I've waited for him to throw us a fish and I feel such a fool. This has scarred me so much and made me think very lowly of men. He is so weak.

Out of all the things that have happened to me in my life this is the worst. It's like being cursed.

As a result of this, I would NEVER inflict a stepmother on my DC or a stepfather From reading you, your dad is to blame really. Assuming you are a nice person who wouldn't let a partner treat your DC like this and would stand up for them I don't understand why your conclusion is to never 'inflict' a stepparent to them. In other words, the problem wasn't that you had a step parent, it was that your parent didn't include you in his new family. The step parent should ideally facilitate this of course, but ultimately it is the parent who is responsible, no?

@Greysparkles totally agree - none of that would be different if I'd given up on ever having another relationship or more kids at the age of 22 because my ex developed a gambling addiction and I had to get rid. I mean none of it is true for us anyway but the vast majority of the things mentioned are caused by parents being separated NOT parents remarrying. I guarantee my DD would not have had a better life or been happier if I stayed with her useless, deadbeat father. Surely noone believes women should stay in an unhappy relationship just in case their kids are unhappy with a disparity in snack allowances??

@corythatwas

OP, you state that some of these things are inevitable: yet most of the things you list don't seem inevitable to all step families. You also seem to be ignoring the voices of those step children who say their experience was different.

I am not a step child, nor do I have step children.

But I do know that the things you list (different allowances, snack allowances, number of pictures displayed) did not apply to my db's step-daughter. She thought of db as her dad, he thought of her as his daughter. The one person who only contributed intermittently to her life was her bio-dad, though there were never any attempts to erase him: being flakey was entirely his choice.

I don't mean to be ignoring anyone's voices. I'm caught up with anon being obtuse.

Yes it's not the same for everyone. But it's often very hard for step children which is my sole point

It's wrong that there would be merry hell. But it's not wrong for you to not be included. Sorry but you don't mean as much to your stepmums parents as their own grandchild fgs! I wouldn't expect my Mum to provide as much childcare to my stepchild as she does to her own bloody grandchild. And I wouldn't expect her to spend as much or anything else for a child she barely sees vs a child she sees all the time

Families are all different. My parents never differentiated between grandchildren and step-grandchildren.

Potato/potarto

I really disagree there it is not a different way of saying it. The reason why issues like that occurs is because the adults are not able to communicate effectively and sort out issues and you know.. CO-parent

it is not to do with being a stepchild.

I am not saying my life wouldn't have been different if my parents had stayed together 100% it would. However, they didn't my mother left for my stepfather and overall for me because my parents DID co-parent it was a good experience.

It's also not nice for kids to be a second class citizen in two households. 'They're only here a third of the time, they can't have as nice a room' etc. 'They're only here 2/3 of the time of course they can't have the big room'. Two box rooms in separate homes is not the same as one nice bedroom.

I would never expect my stepmum to love me like she loves her own kids. I don't love her like I love my mum. I just think as a family member, there should be equality.

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet

It's also not nice for kids to be a second class citizen in two households. 'They're only here a third of the time, they can't have as nice a room' etc. 'They're only here 2/3 of the time of course they can't have the big room'. Two box rooms in separate homes is not the same as one nice bedroom.

Yes 100%!!

It reads to me that the people who had a bad time being step children actually had shit parents?

My step parents have brought a lot of joy to my life & I'm sure that would be different if they'd picked shit partners..

My step father is wonderful but the children in our situation were very much left behind and second best to the great love story of him and my Mum. The quote, “the children of lovers are orphans” was never truer.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken fair enough. I'll let her know that she's pitied because her stepmum and her Dad continue their lives whilst she's at her Mum's and vice versa. Or should we put our lives on hold whilst she's with her Mum and her Mum put her life on hold whilst she is with us? Because that's totally fair on resident children. I'll just tell them we aren't allowed on any days out or they aren't allowed clothes because their sister is missing out Oh and I'll let them know they aren't allowed to spend time with their grandma because again DSD will be missing out even though she's really not missing out. Should DSD's grandma take my kids too then otherwise that's not fair and equal on my kids is it.

Fair enough @corythatwas and that's totally fine for your family. It doesn't make my family wrong though.

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet they're not second class citizens just because they have a smaller room! So a person who is there 100% of the time should have the smaller room to make way for the person who is there 1/3 of the time? Sure, okay... God no wonder so many adults are entitled.

To be honest there's a lot of very ridiculous comments here, no parent separates from the co parent of their kids without good reason. I have spent Christmas with no dp's kids (adults) who are quite open with the fact that a. Yes it's not ideal having mum and dad but b. They want their parents to be happy. We are the lax ones when it comes to chores which might put us in the good books, and we share tastes in music, drinks, movies. As they are adults we get to be friends rather than parents but

[quote Anon19493]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken fair enough. I'll let her know that she's pitied because her stepmum and her Dad continue their lives whilst she's at her Mum's and vice versa. Or should we put our lives on hold whilst she's with her Mum and her Mum put her life on hold whilst she is with us? Because that's totally fair on resident children. I'll just tell them we aren't allowed on any days out or they aren't allowed clothes because their sister is missing out Oh and I'll let them know they aren't allowed to spend time with their grandma because again DSD will be missing out even though she's really not missing out. Should DSD's grandma take my kids too then otherwise that's not fair and equal on my kids is it.

Fair enough @corythatwas and that's totally fine for your family. It doesn't make my family wrong though.

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet they're not second class citizens just because they have a smaller room! So a person who is there 100% of the time should have the smaller room to make way for the person who is there 1/3 of the time? Sure, okay... God no wonder so many adults are entitled.[/quote]
Your counter arguments just prove why blended families don't work. Because they just don't work.

Hi OP,

It sounds like it was tough for you. I can relate. We had a stepfather - very charming and crazy about my mother. I was so relieved when they met and moved in together really fast. It turned out to be an awful experience. He didn't care about us at all and wanted us out of sight. It damaged my relationship with my mother. I ended up making some bad life choices.

I always swore that if I found myself in the role of a step parent I would make it better for them, I would understand their plight. I would not try to be a parent but I would be there for them no matter what.

The reality for me, sadly has been quite different. It is much much harder than I expected. My now nearly adult stepchildren are nasty, cruel individuals. I have tried and tried with them. I would not allow any of the things you have described (lack of photos, lesser value gifts than our own DC, excluding them from gatherings with my family) but I am still the wicked witch of the west.

Sometimes you just can't win. Don't be upset by the Stepmom threads or feel that it proves to you that you're just a burden. I think ppl are just relieved to have a safe place to vent and overexaggerate their feelings as it's the only chance they get.

It's also not nice for kids to be a second class citizen in two households. 'They're only here a third of the time, they can't have as nice a room' etc. 'They're only here 2/3 of the time of course they can't have the big room'. Two box rooms in separate homes is not the same as one nice bedroom.

Logistically it makes no sense for the person who is there the least amount of time to have the largest room.

Siblings who live full-time in the same house also have unfairly sized rooms, unless you're lucky enough to live in a house where all the bedrooms are the same size.

@BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet no I agree that would be crap and I feel sorry for any kids in that position. That's not everyone's experience though. Here, DSS has the smallest room but doesn't have to share because he shares with 2 brothers at home, so he has his own lovely dino themed room which he adores. DSD shares the extension with DD - they have their own bathroom and living area, they designed it together and it is about a million times nicer than my bedroom. She is far from a second class citizen, DH treats her like some sort of deity who can never be disagreed with because she is unhappy with the different rules here (eg 5 hr limit on screen time and content blockers so she can't access 18+ content) and would prefer to be on a console 24hrs a day.

We could not love her, care for her or do anything more for her but I cant see why we should change our house rules that much just because her mum does things differently. If me and DH had never married he still wouldn't have a 10yo watching IT or playing call of duty for hours on end to the point where she wets herself because she wont stop playing. Its not a wicked step parent situation- her parents just aren't together and parent differently and thats what she doesnt like. What are we supposed to do?

I have a stepmother and am one too.
I'm hugely grateful that my parents split and my Dad remarried after I had left home. Given how shoddily they have both behaved I can't imagine how hellish living with them would have been!
I'm sure I'm not a perfect SM but I don't think I'm evil either.
DH and I have a DD and he has 2 DSC from 1st marriage. Residency was split, finances sorted without acrimony.
Our home is all the kids home. We've bought clothes etc as needed, kids all came on holiday if they wanted to, we may have had the odd trip without the bigger ones but this wasn't a problem. Spent about the same on presents.
Their Mum lived nearby so transfer between houses didn't take long, friends could be seen from either house, etc. Plus we made changes to these arrangements when it was better for the kids.
They're adults now and we all get along fine. I chat to them both on WhatsApp independent of their Dad which I guess is a sign we quite like each other. I don't love them like DD but I do love them for themselves.
I think SC can get a raw deal and I hope mine will look back and have happy memories of their childhoods.

I'm neither a step Mum or step child, but it is clear there are varying differences of treatment of step parents to step children.

As soon as a step parent is measuring what the step child is getting at the other house (yes, Anon, that's you!) I suspect the step child is not having a great experience.

Good to hear some step parents have done a grand job and there are happy step children out there, too.

SM belittled me, divided and conquered me and my siblings, patronised us, and made PA comments about my mum. My dad once fell out with her because according to him he was sick of her slagging us off.

But he wasn't sick enough of it to leave her for the sake of his children?

But (pressed too soon) I didn't choose for m ex to leave me, my dp didn't choose for ex to leave him. We have done everything in our power to make the new normal as easy as possible for them, spoiling perhaps in the process. My dp's dd bough me a lovely gift, her own money not a duty present. We aren't evil you know, circumstances brought us together and they are now very precious to me

Step children often have a terrible time, that’s true. I’m sorry you had a rough ride.

But I think you need to look at it from an adult’s perspective too. It’s not all about the kids and their preferences. Parents are trying to re-build their lives, find happiness with new partners, create a stable home for the resident kids.

The stepmum may not understand what her role is when she married, especially if she’s young and child free and just wants alone time with her new husband. She might resent step kids and dread EOW as much as they do. Then there’s the constant financial outgoings to contend with, eg step kids’ mum asking for extra money for trips, clothes, or refusing to be flexible about EOW so it feels like the step kids rule her life.

Or if she has kids she’s bound to put her own first. They’re her biological children. Unless her step kids are very young it’s difficult to feel the same love and bond for kids who aren’t yours. Especially if they clearly hate you. Eg step mum might save up to treat her own kids to a day out. There’s no reason step kids mum can’t do the same. Dad and step-mum might take kids on holiday but can’t afford/manage to take his kids from previous relationship too. It may feel unfair but the step-children’s mum needs to be organising things like trips, holidays, allowances, clothes etc for them out of maintenance, not relying on dad and step mum to sort it.

If her kids are resident and their step siblings live with their mum apart from EOW why would they be treated the same? It’s not their primary home. Presumably they have their own rooms, clothes and toys at their primary home? With dad they have to live by the rules set by him and step-mum as it’s a different household they visit EOW, they don’t live there. Eg resident children will be more likely to have their own bedrooms.

It’s all very well to say kids should always come first and everything should be equal but it rarely happens in reality, especially when new babies come into the picture.

It's fine for you and your kids but for lots of step children isn't at all. Especially if they don't have their own grandparents then they're living in a home where one set of children are more loved than another. It feels awful for some kids. None of that is their fault

I’m not just talking about treats and days out. Dsc got lots of treats and days out from my parents and got equal birthday and Christmas presents.
I’m talking about the deeper stuff. Like helping ME (their daughter) with childcare, picking them up from school, taking them to school, helping with homework, coming to school plays, offering to help financially when they had a trip or I was short on money and they didn’t want to see me struggle, knowing my children’s schedules and plans like the back of their hand, helping me get them to appointments for various assessments, taking them on little caravan holidays, having them for sleepovers, buying a bike, buying first shoes, helping me have one on one time with each of my children by having the others and alternating etc...

My parents were not expected to do the same as all of the above for dsc. They did the minimum of what is expected because the relationship wasn’t the same.