To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

The adults are the key. A lot of the time when step-kids have a horrible time with their step-parent it's actually because their parent is shit.

My girls had an awful time with their ex-step-mother. She treated them horribly. The main problem though was their father accepting that. He allowed things, because his happiness was the only important thing to him, that I would never, ever have allowed.

A lot of people say that DH and I have been lucky with our blended family, but whilst a small part has been luck the majority has been down to hard work on our part.

The selfishness, or not, of the adults is the big key

I don’t GET the other something.

Because both sets of children are his. They are equally his responsibility. They deserve equal treatment at every step. What the mum provides is irrelevant to your household. The dad should provide the same for all his children.

But it's not irrelevant. A child who spends say 50-100 nights a year somewhere needs substantially less clothes than a child who spends 365 nights a year. Likewise with toys, days out etc. It's inevitable that across the whole year, a child who is there all the time will have more spent on them.

@HelloDulling exactly!!

I think it is important that we don't silence the voices of adult step children just because they make us uncomfortable. I say that as a step parent and someone whose children spend time with a step parent too.

@funinthesun19

Different amounts of money spent on resident children

How on earth do you expect resident children to have less spent on them to keep it all equal? They live there full time so of course more is going to be spent on them. When I was a stepparent (and think god I’m not now), if my child needed a coat I would buy my child a coat. I wouldn’t keep tabs and think “Oh I must spend the same amount on my stepchild too.” I don’t even do that for my own children! If one needs something I don’t eat the others something to keep it all equal. Some months I might spend loads on one child and not that much on the others after the basic living costs. Because needs change all the time.
I received the child related benefits for my children at the time, so of course more of my household’s income would be spent on the children who lived here 100% of the time.
I didn’t go in to Morrisons and think, “Oh I’ve just spent £30 on some food for my children. I must make sure I put some money aside and spend the same amount on dsc”.

That's not what I said.

I had considerably less than my step sister and half brother overall.

@KeyboardWorriers

I think it is important that we don't silence the voices of adult step children just because they make us uncomfortable. I say that as a step parent and someone whose children spend time with a step parent too.

Thank you. @Anon19493 you honestly aren't listening at all and just sound defensive

Being a step child is so hard for a number of reasons - these were mind

Feeling like a visitor in my dads even though it was our family home before, feeling like we were spare parts at mums because my SD wanted my mum and him to have their own life. Always feeling like we were scum visiting SD family because he had got with a single Mum of 3. Seeing my dad twice a year and feeling like even then we were just not that important.

I don't know many step kids who can honestly say it's been an easy ride but when I do hear those stories I really love hearing it.

I was a lot happier when my parents split and remarried - no more arguments and both parents were happier. My stepdad annoyed me as a teenager but was really good to us, my step mum was lovely as well and my stepsister is my best friend in the entire world, FAR closer than my actual sister.

My DDs dads gf (not really a stepmum as they don't live together and she barely knows DD) is lovely and managed to make him pay decent child support for a good few years although he's stopped again now DD won't see him. My DSS absolutely loves coming here and I know he is happy here - he has a much nicer bedroom which he has to himself, we take him on days out and play with him instead of shoving him in front of the TV and shushing him. He adores his step and half siblings and is always excited to come.

BUT DSD does struggle, for a lot of the reasons mentioned. We took the moving in very, very slow and would have changed plans if our older girls seemed unhappy but she loved it through the wedding and the first year. Soon as I got pregnant with DD2 she hugely struggled and weve had problems ever since with jealousy, her playing up here, playing both parents off against each other, us having totally different rules / lifestyle/ everything to her mums house. She just finds it all really hard and its heart breaking. We adore her and we do everything we can to make her happy - she is treated like an absolute princess here which imo makes it worse, but more and more often she is choosing not to come. She lives 150 miles away and is going through puberty which doesn't help at all, and now I'm pregnant again (unplanned this time) which has just put the cat back amongst the pigeons. I feel awful about how unhappy she is but don't know what we could have done differently or can do now.

My step children chose to still come to my house for all their normal contact time while their dad was away for 3 months last year , and have said they want to do the same next year, so I don't think generalisations that imply "all" step children have the same experience are helpful.

I highly doubt my stepkids would say that.
Get on really well with the adult boy and the youngest and I have a lovely bond from the start.
The youngest is spoilt by my big family and friends as well so they have the best of both worlds. Love from their mum and her side as well as love from DP and I/family. Twice the love makes them fortunate.

Three threads about Stepchildren on Mumsnet have stuck in my mind because I found them sad and upsetting and on the basis if them I do think that LOTS of stepchildren, possibly the majority, get a raw deal, though of course not all

Thread One :

Poster wanted to place large canvas photos of ONLY her OWN children in the living room and have a small one of her stepchild elsewhere.

Her argument was that why shouldn't she have photos of HER OWN children in HER OWN home.

Seemed oblivious, absolutely oblivious, to the fact the other child was her DH's OWN child and it was also THEIR home and their child's.

Thread was deleted

Thread(s) Two :

Poster came on repeatedly under different usernames and was caught out for strenuously insisting it would be ok for her SDC to share a strip of the landing as "their bedroom" rather than give them a bedroom.

Was resoundedly handed their arse on every thread.

Thread Three :

Thread was deleted after the poster got outed. Poster's husband was in a convoluted car share agreement with his daughters half siblings Dad and had to do ONE long return journey once a month to see his kid.

Poster was pregnant and wanted all contact with his existing child to cease outside of school summer holidays so he could "focus on our own little family"

Poster was rightly ripped apart

But I felt for all those children and remembered all those threads even though they are long gone.

So many people should not get into a relationship with someone with kids. It is the kids that suffer.

@Anon19493

Daily expense - yes. But, the same money being spent on Christmas and birthday presents is reasonable.
Why should the visiting children see their half siblings open fab presents from their Dad with StepM and then get something of less value because StepM did not want Dad to spend the money.
Are you a step parent? Or step child? (I'm neither but I can see fairness is reasonable)

I meant mine* not mind. I also have an OK relationship with my step parents now but that's because I'm an adult and don't expect a single thing from them. Also everything I felt was BIO parents fault not Step parent.

I'm genuinely confused as to why you'd think you'd have the same spent on you as a resident child @w0rkout. If they're there all the time and you're there part of the time, it's just not feasible or fair on the resident children to then spend the same on you

I have a great relationship with my step dad as an adult. Nevertheless, I will never, under any circumstances bring a step parent into my children's lives.

My childhood was horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I will never put my children through what I went through.

I had considerably less than my step sister and half brother overall

But that’s just normal though isn’t it? A child who lives somewhere full time will need a lot more spent on them than a child who doesn’t, so the cost for resident children shoots up due to the every day essentials just as a starting point.

Oh yes. To add to my list:

Jealousy issues

Pictures up in the home! The only place I have pictures of me up as a child is my paternal grandparents house... in Cyprus.

My DH and I are currently very happy. However if anything happened and we split I would not be creating a step family or any kind.

I’m not willing to risk my existing children’s security for anything.

[quote Tistheseason17]@Anon19493

Daily expense - yes. But, the same money being spent on Christmas and birthday presents is reasonable.
Why should the visiting children see their half siblings open fab presents from their Dad with StepM and then get something of less value because StepM did not want Dad to spend the money.
Are you a step parent? Or step child? (I'm neither but I can see fairness is reasonable)[/quote]
This is my point.

Plus my grandparents treat my step sister the same as us holidays, meals out, birthday money the whole lot, but her grandparents don't even invite us on holidays where we'd pay for ourselves.

@Anon19493

I'm genuinely confused as to why you'd think you'd have the same spent on you as a resident child *@w0rkout*. If they're there all the time and you're there part of the time, it's just not feasible or fair on the resident children to then spend the same on you

I said 'overall'

I would say though that in the absence of my own children I would not rule out being a step parent but only if all adult parties are communicative and sensible to ensure the child wasn’t pulled all over the place.

My ex-partner had two adult daughters. Already at university, they made my life utter hell. They did things like leaving Persil tabs under the sofa so ds could reach them, spitting in food prepared for a party, ripping up clothes, scratching my car etc. My ex kept minimising it and finally I took ds and left. The relief was overwhelming.

Those five years were the most miserable of my life. The risk of such toxic relationships is too high for me to take that chance with ds. We have a kind happy home now, just the two of us and that is how it will be until ds leaves home.

@funinthesun19

I had considerably less than my step sister and half brother overall

But that’s just normal though isn’t it? A child who lives somewhere full time will need a lot more spent on them than a child who doesn’t, so the cost for resident children shoots up due to the every day essentials just as a starting point.

Overall! As in over the two houses I had far less. OVERALL

"I have a great relationship with my step dad as an adult. Nevertheless, I will never, under any circumstances bring a step parent into my children's lives.

My childhood was horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I will never put my children through what I went through"

This is exactly how I feel @lunar1