To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

@Mintjulia

For some, being a step child is a bad experience. For some, being a step parent is a bad experience.

Neither is great. The blame, if it is worth apportioning blame, can lie with anyone or everyone involved.

I'm an ex-step mum (to adult dsc), who has chosen to remain single to protect my ds.

I'm sorry you were/are unhappy.

You've chosen to remain single and protect your DS, can you elaborate?

I'm always when step parent friends post happy family photos all over social media but miss off their step child! Same as houses with photos of the kids up - once again excluding their step child.

I don't have step children, and am not a step child myself, but it always leaves a bit of a grim feeling.

Why is this the step parents fault?

Why is it not directed at the bio parents?

I am a step child and I am a step parent so I’ve lived and do live both sides.

If my SC are unhappy about the fact that our two houses have different rules around homework or bedtime or screen time for instance - that is for the bio parents to agree on. It’s not the step parents role to negotiate that. However - often the dynAmics between the bio parents do not allow for amicable agreement and discussions so it boils down to just doing what you think is best and that might be different to what the other parent thinks is best.

I’m really sorry you’ve had a shitty childhood and experience around blended families. You sound like you have massive unresolved issues and could benefit from some counselling on how to unravel it all.

It certainly isn’t your fault but it also rarely lies at just one door.

For example my step kids parents spilt when they were very young - they had the kids when they were barely more than teenagers themselves, they didn’t know each other, they have nothing in common as adults, they wouldn’t be friends in another life and. It’s a very difficult and awkward situation to find yourself in where your parents not only do not love each other - but cannot tolerate anything more than the basic interactions before it all turns to shit. The kids are going to be fucked up by that: but it’s NOT my fault as a step parent. I can only try to be a calming and positive influence.
I won’t be accepting any blame for their parent issues when they’re older because their parents caused that shit show between themselves tbh

Of my friends growing up who were splitting time between two homes and having to welcome new partners most didn't really like it and most felt less comfortable in the home as a result - especially where they had to stay overnight in two separate houses. There was one exception though - my closest friend loved her step dad much more than her half absent bio dad and he's probably at least as important to her than her mum.

@w0rkout

Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

People will tell me this is all trivial but it's a sense of not belonging and discomfort that really stays with a person.

So @Anon19493 how do you fix all that?

Surely some of these things are unavoidable though? People parent differently, if SM and BM have very different views that could lead to differences in dressing, meals and screen time allowances at each home. In terms of missing out on classes etc if both parents are committed to the child going then there should be no reason why the child can’t attend.

I don’t know what the answer would be, other than people who have children never being allowed to remarry should they ever find themselves single.

@2020iscancelled

Why is this the step parents fault?

Why is it not directed at the bio parents?

I am a step child and I am a step parent so I’ve lived and do live both sides.

If my SC are unhappy about the fact that our two houses have different rules around homework or bedtime or screen time for instance - that is for the bio parents to agree on. It’s not the step parents role to negotiate that. However - often the dynAmics between the bio parents do not allow for amicable agreement and discussions so it boils down to just doing what you think is best and that might be different to what the other parent thinks is best.

I’m really sorry you’ve had a shitty childhood and experience around blended families. You sound like you have massive unresolved issues and could benefit from some counselling on how to unravel it all.

It certainly isn’t your fault but it also rarely lies at just one door.

For example my step kids parents spilt when they were very young - they had the kids when they were barely more than teenagers themselves, they didn’t know each other, they have nothing in common as adults, they wouldn’t be friends in another life and. It’s a very difficult and awkward situation to find yourself in where your parents not only do not love each other - but cannot tolerate anything more than the basic interactions before it all turns to shit. The kids are going to be fucked up by that: but it’s NOT my fault as a step parent. I can only try to be a calming and positive influence.
I won’t be accepting any blame for their parent issues when they’re older because their parents caused that shit show between themselves tbh

I haven't blamed the step parents. I've said being a step child is shit.

It really depends on how the adults deal with the situation. My parents divorce was acrimonious and so their children all suffered the after effects for years. I don’t hold any bitterness about it but I did as a teenager. Things are better now that we are adults.

My own children have a stepdad and a whole new extended family through him who treat them as if they are his biological children so they’ve benefited.

I don't think anyone thinks people are more important because their parents aren't together.

I’ve seen plenty of comments on here over the years which shows that people think they’re more important. If people feel like that then really they’re setting their expectations far to high and will never be satisfied.

@Brieminewine yes, some are unavoidable which is part of the reason why being a step child is so horrible.

People get married and divorced a lot these days and it's the children who get pushed around

*Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

People will tell me this is all trivial but it's a sense of not belonging and discomfort that really stays with a person.

So @Anon19493 how do you fix all that?*

Are you actually being serious? Get! A! Grip! If that's all you've got to worry about I'd say you've had it pretty good.

@SuperCaliFragalistic I didn't say you were wrong. I asked for your suggestions on how to assist the transition other than stepparents just being expected to bow to Mum's rules.

wOrkout
You summon up my situation perfectly.
Purpledaisies we are of same mind.
Just a general question do you forgive your stepmothers I can't .
Oh and what is TAAT please? I am an old fart!

Of course, some people like their stepparents, but many don't.

My mum died and my dad hooked up with SM days later, although he denies this. From the day I met her she wanted my dad to be a parent to her DC and to have nothing to do with us. When my mum died, I lost my dad too. SM belittled me, divided and conquered me and my siblings, patronised us, and made PA comments about my mum. My dad once fell out with her because according to him he was sick of her slagging us off.

We have not spent Christmas with my dad since they met, decades ago. He doesn't know his blood GGC but is heavily involved with hers. I was once in his house and her DGC came over and demanded to know who I was and who my DC were and why they were calling him Grandad.

My DH tells me that if he was his dad he wouldn't bother with him at all but I have already lost one parent and so put up with this shit. I am upset every Christmas. He just spent Christmas and Boxing day with them and will see us sometime in Jan, pandemic allowing. Even my DH who is very chilled out and never comments on anyone says that she is one of the nastiest, most ignorant people he has ever met.

Her family get all the good bits and we deal with all the shit. He only shows them his fun, strong side. My siblings and I are the ones that get the phone calls about his health, his boredom, how achy he is, the tears when he is unhappy and gets told to look after him when he is sick.

As a result of this, I would NEVER inflict a stepmother on my DC or a stepfather. I just wouldn't do it. For the last 30 years of my life, I've waited for him to throw us a fish and I feel such a fool. This has scarred me so much and made me think very lowly of men. He is so weak.

Out of all the things that have happened to me in my life this is the worst. It's like being cursed.

@Anon19493

*Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

People will tell me this is all trivial but it's a sense of not belonging and discomfort that really stays with a person.

So *@Anon19493 how do you fix all that?

Are you actually being serious? Get! A! Grip! If that's all you've got to worry about I'd say you've had it pretty good.

@SuperCaliFragalistic I didn't say you were wrong. I asked for your suggestions on how to assist the transition other than stepparents just being expected to bow to Mum's rules.

You're actually not understanding it all on purpose aren't you?

My experience of life as a step child is terrible. I would never, ever subject my own children to a step family. Even if it seems perfectly fine to the adults, children are often suffering. Yes, there are some lovely examples to the contrary, and my heart soars for those families, but it just is not worth the risk.

@Anon19493

*Things like:

Different clothes
Different meal times
Different snack allowances
Different levels of freedom
Different expectation around phone/gaming use
Different town
Different friends/no friends because only there EOW
No dance/gymnastics/etc because away EOW
Christmas without father every year
Never just saying 'mum and dad'
Having step and half siblings
Feeling guilty for loving full siblings more
Never really relaxing at dad's because only there EOW

People will tell me this is all trivial but it's a sense of not belonging and discomfort that really stays with a person.

So *@Anon19493 how do you fix all that?

Are you actually being serious? Get! A! Grip! If that's all you've got to worry about I'd say you've had it pretty good.

@SuperCaliFragalistic I didn't say you were wrong. I asked for your suggestions on how to assist the transition other than stepparents just being expected to bow to Mum's rules.

Someone touch a nerve there?

@Sophagain

My experience of life as a step child is terrible. I would never, ever subject my own children to a step family. Even if it seems perfectly fine to the adults, children are often suffering. Yes, there are some lovely examples to the contrary, and my heart soars for those families, but it just is not worth the risk.

Absolutely agree!

Different amounts of money spent on resident children

But that's inevitable. We can't spent an exact same amount on each child every single time. Also say your Mum buys you clothes at hers and your Dad buys you clothes at his, why would your Dad need to spend the same amount on you as they do for a child who spends 24/7 at his house?

Not being one and not having other children come along. Sadly, adult wants seem to prevail in many cases.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss so if you have a child at 25 and then separate, you're essentially never allowed any more or never allowed to be happy with another person? Wow. This thread is insane!

I'm a step-parent and I think there are two different issues here. Step-parents who are unwelcoming and unkind to their stepchildren are just unpleasant people. Not all step-parents are like that. In that situation I hope the child would feel able to communicate with their parents about how they feel.

A lot of the other things in your list are to do with spending alternate weekends with different parents though, not necessarily to having a step-parent, eg not knowing friends in some area, difficulties attending weekend clubs etc. I don't know what the solution to that is though. Ideally the separated parents would remain in a geographically close area but that's not always financially possible.

Missed the other thread
Both my parents remarried,I was an only child
They both remarried someone with children,I was shuttled backwards and forwards for years ,never fitting in anywhere ,
Blow up bed in the lounge at my dads .
Both far to busy with new lives to notice my mental health,ending up with various suicide attempts ,even then they covered it up ,to keep social services out .
To be fair ,they were shit parents together,and shit parents with someone else

I’m very lucky , my husband treats ds the same as our other two Dc. Always has. Ds doesn’t see his bio dad though and dh has been in his life since he was young so they had the bond since ds was little.

I had a different experience with a step parent growing up and it really was unpleasant. So I can see why people’s experiences vary massively.

@Anon19493

Different amounts of money spent on resident children

But that's inevitable. We can't spent an exact same amount on each child every single time. Also say your Mum buys you clothes at hers and your Dad buys you clothes at his, why would your Dad need to spend the same amount on you as they do for a child who spends 24/7 at his house?

Not being one and not having other children come along. Sadly, adult wants seem to prevail in many cases.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss so if you have a child at 25 and then separate, you're essentially never allowed any more or never allowed to be happy with another person? Wow. This thread is insane!

Because both sets of children are his. They are equally his responsibility. They deserve equal treatment at every step. What the mum provides is irrelevant to your household. The dad should provide the same for all his children.

No one said they're not allowed. We just said we'd not do it ourselves.

You're giving off a lot of angry energy here.

@w0rkout I just think you're being ridiculous. The things you list are all things that are inevitable. There are only a few options for the things you suggest:

1. Mum and Dad stay together but are unhappy which in turn affects the kids
2. Mum and Dad split up but neither are allowed to meet another person - but that doesn't resolve anything since Mum and Dad will still have different views
3. Dad bows down to Mum and goes along with all her rules and has no say in his own household
4. Mum bows down to Dad and goes alone with all his rules and has no say in her own household
5. One of the parents walks away and at least then you won't have the issue of different households.

Or... you stop being so selfish and entitled and except that Mum and Dad have different opinions on the best way to raise a child.

My husband and I both come from blended families that worked very well, but in both cases there was no second family.

My mum's first husband was an abusive absentee father so my dad was full dad to my half siblings. And my husband's dad died when he was young.

I'm just not enough of a people person to ever be a step parent. I couldn't be arsed with the hassle of it all for children I didn't choose, so I'll never put myself or any unfortunate children in that position.

Different amounts of money spent on resident children

How on earth do you expect resident children to have less spent on them to keep it all equal? They live there full time so of course more is going to be spent on them. When I was a stepparent (and think god I’m not now), if my child needed a coat I would buy my child a coat. I wouldn’t keep tabs and think “Oh I must spend the same amount on my stepchild too.” I don’t even do that for my own children! If one needs something I don’t eat the others something to keep it all equal. Some months I might spend loads on one child and not that much on the others after the basic living costs. Because needs change all the time.
I received the child related benefits for my children at the time, so of course more of my household’s income would be spent on the children who lived here 100% of the time.
I didn’t go in to Morrisons and think, “Oh I’ve just spent £30 on some food for my children. I must make sure I put some money aside and spend the same amount on dsc”.

Almost every one of these is not to do with being a step child, it is to do with having parents who are divorced/separated and living in different houses.

The only solution would be for no one to ever split up once they have kids.