To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

My Mum died when I was a few months away from turning five and my Dad married my Stepmum that same year, just seven months later. Dad adopted my Stepmum’s child and went above and beyond to treat the child as his own and give her the best life possible, despite her life-limiting condition. He cared for her and loved her as if he was her Bio Dad (who wasn’t in the picture). In his eyes, she was his Daughter and nothing was ever too much trouble, being that she needed round-the-clock care.

My Stepmum adopted me too. Things were peachy for about six months. Or so it seemed. Looking back at video footage of us as a family that time, I can see clearly the signs that she was only play-acting and despite me being generally well-behaved, she was tiring of me.

She got pregnant and then had her own “normal” daughter and things really ramped up. I was routinely criticised, humiliated, unfairly punished, threatened, hit, poked, etc.

The difference in treatment between myself and my younger Sister was stark. Different sets of rules for each. I had my hair cut off like a boy, while my younger Sister was allowed her hair long, down to her backside. My Sister was constantly in pretty dresses - I was not. Frequently, my Stepmum would hit me to wake me and say “Oi, you, GET UP” before leaning over my Sister to shower her with kisses and say “Wake up my little hunny bunny”.

My Stepmum would find reasons to torture me; reasons to shout and punish despite no wrong-doing. I was punished for things that other kids wouldn’t be punished for, while my younger Sister got away with deliberate wrong-doing. She referred to me as “IT”.

My Stepmum tormented me, when all I wanted to do was get along and be loved - and was grieving the loss of my Mum. Sadly, much of this she got away with because Dad was either out of the house, sleeping due to his own health problems, or else she would pull the wool over his eyes and tell lies - even telling him and the whole family that I was a sly and deceitful liar.

I’m now well into adulthood and have been having counselling for the last several months, which is making things better.

There are some Step-parents out there, like my Dad, who treat their Step-children with respect and kindness, and even love.

And then there are those who find any reason they can to make life a misery for their Stepchild - punishing them in instances when they wouldn’t punish their own biological child. Blaming, scapegoating and abuse.

I tell you my story not for want of pity but for my voice to be heard and hopefully someone reading this will learn from the example above, of two very different approaches to Step-parenting. Disdain for your Stepchild (I see this too often on MN) or jealousy towards your Partner’s previous partner can escalate from things that may seem inconsequential, to behaviours and actions that have devastating consequences for the well-being and life of an innocent CHILD. You are the adult and it is your responsibility to treat the child of your partner how you would want your own child to be treated, and no less.

To all you decent Step-parents, I thank you.

Sorry I dont get this. My step dad brought me and my 2 brothers up as his own and worshipped us until he died young!

Also how old are you?? But generally you want to miserable parents to be together?

@Tistheseason17 I'm not measuring anything. My point was just that it's inevitable we spend less on DSD in terms of clothes and things as she will need less as she's not here all the time. It's not about how much they get at the other house, it's about the fact that they don't need as much at our house and that if I did buy as many clothes as a resident child, most would go to waste as she'd outgrow them before she had a chance to really wear them all.

My DC has a step parent who loves them and treats them well.

Their bio father was violent towards me and my DC in the end. I left and was single for a long time until I met my DH. I don't hunk my DC has a bad deal, they have a good male role model and a family unit.

just prove why blended families don't work. Because they just don't work

What would your solution be? That parents stay together even if they're both unhappy or even worse it's a toxic environment? Or that they can split, but neither are allowed to have a long term partner or marry again- or have children? That children aren't allowed to see one parent just so they are always in one household? It is a hard and shit situation, but realistically what would you propose?

My DC are stepchildren. ExH and SM treat their 2 DC vastly different to mine and it's pretty crap. He spent around 4 minutes wishing them a merry Christmas at the front door, despite not having seen them since February. Obviously covid has had an impact on this but usually he would only see them 4 times a year (his birthday, DCs birthdays, and Christmas). He doesn't know his DC at all. You can tell from the way he speaks to them and the few presents he buys them (some have gone immediately in the charity shop pile as they are age inappropriate). He's never taken them on holiday. He's never even taken them to his house to spend the day.

On the other hand, my DP has known them for 2 years and has completely taken them on as his own. He has no children of his own and no desire to either, so they are all he has. He goes halves on all Christmas and birthday presents, halves on all of our bills, food shopping, clothes shopping, and pays the mortgage. As far as the children are aware, my DP is acting dad (they don't call him as such but they see him as such).

I've always said I wouldn't want any more children because, as it stands now, my DC are disappointed together. If dad doesn't see them, they experience that together. I don't believe for a minute that my DP would treat them any different if we did have our own child, but if we were to split, I couldn't expect DP to treat my DC and his DC the same in that situation.

I hope my DC never have to have some of the crap experiences that are listed here. I hope me and DP are giving them the childhood they deserve to have.

I have mixed feelings about this topic. I didn't understand a lot of what happened when I was a child and I resented my stepdad and my abusive mum for years. Fast forward fifteen years, I couldn't care less. My birth parents died in my twenties and no one was there for me.
It was hard. But I'm an independent adult with an MSc, my own baby, no mortgage and a great career, and my step brother never left home, can't hold together a relationship and failed all his GCSEs, so look what all that favourable treatment got him. I don't think feeling unloved and unwanted and constantly told off and dismissed made me stronger or any crap like that, but I additionally don't want a pity party for the fact no one ever came to my school plays.
I think there are amazing step-parents out there and shitty birth parents as well as the other way around and I think Cinderella with the wicked stepmother has a lot to answer for in terms of people's perceptions.
And nowadays, I understand my mum played me and my stepdad and stepbro off against each other for shiggles because she was a narcissist. I actually do get on with my stepdad now, although we don't have a huge amount of contact, and I feel like he was a bit of a twat but he was in an impossible situation because my mum was awful and very controlling. I suspect some other stepparents are in equally impossible situations.

@lovepickledlimes why would you DF have to choose between making you or his wife happy? Sounds like you were unaccepting of his wife and making his life difficult

I think it is all about ground rules and expectation. Being in a relationship for a long time before moving in.
My brother has two kids and he shares them exactly 50/50 with his ex partner.

They split up 5 years ago.

3 years ago he started dating someone at work that he had known for 15 years. She is divorced with 2 children and shared her children 50/50 with her ex.

Brother lives in his house and 99% of the time when he has his children, his new partner has hers and they both stay in their own houses. When the children are with their exes they spend time together as a couple. They do on days out and holidays him and new partner and all 4 children get on well together. They have no plans to move in today though.

Both took huge huge hits money wise with break ups my brother never married although he was with her for 20 years. She didn’t get his pension but she got half his house and it was his before they had children. Both are cautious.

I know lots of people in this situation.

I would move in with someone if it suited me. My friend was widowed aged 40 with 2 kids. Within a year she had found someone else and moved in. He has 2 children so does she. However he has spent a long time single and found it easy to drop all plans if the kids suddenly change their mind and want to come over. She is a planner and was her husbands carer for a few years before he died. She hates it. They will have plans to go ice skating for example and then his kids will phone and say they are coming over and she will say we are going ice skating - they don’t want to go. So he cancels and stays in and she goes alone. She hates it but as I keep saying they are a blended family and not just one unit. She doesn’t want to have stuff cancelled at the last minute and he puts his kids first - I can see both sides. She feels he could say yes you can come ice skating or come when we get back. He is used to dropping everything for them. Neither is wrong but they won’t last much longer in my view unless they agree a joint approach.

Most of the items you list on the first page are a result of having divorced parents, not from having a step parent.

People who have bad experiences with step parents have experienced this because of the person, not the role. Look at the amount of neglected children from homes with biological parents yet you do not get people posting how shit all parents are, how children get a raw deal in general; but you get this massive generalisation about step parents.

I found a diary I wrote about my step family when I was a young teen, it was vile and I was embarrassed I could have written such things. My stepfather is one of the people I love most.

Parents are ultimately responsible for how their children's lives play out, yet often the threads focus on the vilian of a step parent.
The family unit is no longer a priority and people wonder why there is so much unhappiness.

I've just showed dp's dd this thread, she gave me a big hug and said she prefers to be here than her mums. Some parents are bad I get it, some biological parents still together aren't good parents.

I stayed with my ex h until my youngest was 18, nobody should have to do this. The step bit isn't the bad bit, you simply had bad parents

I won’t call her a step parent as she never parented me but she lived with my parent for over 40 years. I was not even a teen when he met her and he was with her until he died when I was in my 50’s.
In over 40 years we were never allowed to sleep over in fact I was in my late 20’s before I even set foot in their house.
I was never invited to a meal be it Sunday lunch or a quick tea.
I was not invited to his 60th or 80th birthday party nor taken on so much as a weekend away let alone a holiday. I wasn’t invited at any Christmas gathering, summer bbq or other social event.
This is all despite being in regular contact with him but access would be him picking us up and taking us to our grandparents for the day. By the time our grandparents died we were late teens and any met up would be in a local pub then when I married he might pop in my house for a 20 minute coffee.
When I went to his funeral there was friends of theirs who they had known for years but who had no idea I existed.
In his will I was left nothing not even a token or person item.
Out of interest I got a copy of his will from probate and even if she died first everything would have gone to her children who he brought up and were the roughly the same age as me.
She didn’t want us in her family and my dad was a weak man who would rather keep us separate and on the fridge of his life than rock the boat with her.
His loss.

The stepmum may not understand what her role is when she married, especially if she’s young and child free and just wants alone time with her new husband. She might resent step kids and dread EOW as much as they do. Then there’s the constant financial outgoings to contend with, eg step kids’ mum asking for extra money for trips, clothes, or refusing to be flexible about EOW so it feels like the step kids rule her life.

These are the reasons why I declined even dating men with children. I knew I’d never be first priority and we wouldn’t have a proper couple experience, the package just wouldn't be for me and I wouldn’t respect a man who dropped his kids for me or was a shit dad in general.

There are many happy step families. Those that are not seen to be in a series of constant power struggles.

A remember a thread years back where a SM was tying herself in knots over collecting her DSD along with her own kids from school.

She hadn't even been asked yet was so resentful of the DSD for this. She didn’t seem to realise she could say no or better still get dad to collect all the kids.

Just a whole thread of why should I collect ‘someone else’s kid’. WTF?

What I'm reading here really is that a lot of the problems lie equally, if not more, with the parent than the step-parent. I understand people would rather paint their step-mum as the evil step-mother but if a father allows it to happen he is just as much to blame.
It is proven that children fare much better with divorced parents instead of married but miserable and arguing parents. It is important for all the adults raising a child to communicate about the best way to do that rather than laying the blame at the step-parents door.
Children fully understand there are different rules at different houses because they spend their whole lives with different rules in different places. At school you put your hand up if you want to speak but you wouldn't do that at home. At your friend's house you take your shoes off, at your grandparents you have to eat at the table, at your aunt's you're not allowed drinks upstairs, etc. Kids are fine with it.
For presents I would expect the same amount to be spent on all the children but I wouldn't expect days out or treats to be limited or counted down to the last penny.

@Tistheseason17

I'm neither a step Mum or step child, but it is clear there are varying differences of treatment of step parents to step children.

As soon as a step parent is measuring what the step child is getting at the other house (yes, Anon, that's you!) I suspect the step child is not having a great experience.

Good to hear some step parents have done a grand job and there are happy step children out there, too.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@Lurcherloves simple we went to a fair I asked if I could have this ocarina, sm sees there is only one and chimes in with a 'cherie I would like one.' my dad of courses says 'lovepickledlime how about you pick a different instrument so sm can have it? would you mind' of course being a good 11 year old girl I did not object. Movies it was her choice, where we ate it was her choice. If I said could we watch this she would say she wanted to watch something different it was all according to her wishes by the end of the summer I learned my place

My step Dad was the best thing in my life a real blessing. Before he died I told him I wished he was real dad and he said ‘I am’
Honestly without him I dread to think where I would be as my real parents are f**ed up

I think the thing about spending the same money isn't about clothes, the gas bill or the day to day spending.

The problem is when child A can't go on the day trip with their school because there isn't enough money whilst the half sibling gets to go skiing for a week.

Lots of people are selfish. It is hard to put children first sometimes even when they are your own. I do think people should be more realistic, if you are dating a parent then long term you are not just dating one person, they have a family.

I think this is why I've been single most of my life, I want someone who will prioritise me and any relationship I have with them, but I absolutely would not want to be with someone who was not part of their child's life by choice.

I think when it works is when all parties think about the children, not easy with some break ups.

A friend of my parents has two little girls (actually not so little now) they have different fathers, father of eldest has a 'new' family but includes both girls in family outings and holidays because, although only one is his daughter, the other is his daughter's sister so wants them to be treated equally and be happy.

Not all children are blessed with 2 families or homes,my birth mother dumped me when I was 7 and I never saw her again. When my father remarried the woman loathed me. Her children got the new clothes I got her mothers "castoffs" for Christmas I would get something I wanted and she would then give it to her daughter. As I said before wOrkout summed it up beautifully .

@Lurcherloves I am glad for you but not all step parents are that lovely

NoSleepIn

My Dad is to blame because he is weak but my SM is also very nasty. He is terrified of her and terrified of upsetting her. We have been told for years not to upset her and just suck it up. We were scared of losing him and scared of losing our sibling relationships with each other without him as the anchor in the family. As the youngest and the only girl, I found it harder than the others.

Not making them second class citizens in their own homes would be a start.

The trouble is that it's the SM's home as well. In many cases it's solely hers as the guy's just moved in with her.

You only have to read threads on here to see how many people tell the OP to 'LTB'. Im not talking about dangerous or abusive situations either.

There was a thread on here yesterday where people were telling the OP to send their small child to residential care because of his behaviour.

A throwaway society.

All I can do as a step mum is treat my step child with kindness when they come and equally to my own.

You're right though, it's rubbish, and not something I would want for my child. There isn't a solution as it seems a vicious cycle.

Yep hated being a step child x

Why should the visiting children see their half siblings open fab presents from their Dad with StepM and then get something of less value because StepM did not want Dad to spend the money
You could also say the opposite: why should resident children see their half siblings open the same amount of presents as them and then hear them brag about all the ones they had at their mum's/dad's?
(I'm just making the point, to be honest Christmas is the one time where actually I don't believe we should count tit for tat, the joy is seeing them open presents).

Overall on the spending aspect, I would spend the same when together, so for ex if buying them a toy while at the supermarket I would buy one for each of them. On the other hand I wouldn't buy the same amount of shoes/clothes considering the step children will have some at their mums vs my children will only have what I buy. I would buy the same quality/brands for all of them though.