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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a refund for these presents

321 replies

ToniTheDonkey · 28/12/2020 09:23

My OH told me he was going to spend Xmas Day at my house and told me what he wanted to eat. I spent £170 on food including meat (for him - I’m veggie) and alcohol (I’m teetotal). He turned up at 1.30 on Christmas Day empty handed and has not yet offered any money towards the cost of the food.

After dinner he opened his presents - I’d spent about £300 on him. There were a couple of presents he said he didn’t like. He could have been polite and not said anything. Knowing my OH, when he packs his stuff to go home, he’ll leave behind the presents he didn’t like. WIBU to take those presents back for a refund and keep the money to offset the cost of the Xmas food?

OP posts:
Whythesadface · 28/12/2020 11:19

I think you need to quietly gather up the gifts you can return, bag them and put them in the car, or somewhere safe.
If he mentions them be truthful and tell him his ungratefulness hurt you.
Then also ask him since he didn't bother buying you a gift can he transfer £100 for the cost of Christmas.
Can I ask has he even brought you any gifts?

LittleTiger007 · 28/12/2020 11:19

Look up the meaning of the word ‘partner’ he is not partnering with you from what you have said. You cook, you shop, you pay... you get nothing in return.

2020isalmosthindsight · 28/12/2020 11:20

FFS. He's got you well trained, doesn't he?

Invites himself for a Christmas meal, knowing you'll cater to him. Buy him £300 worth of presents when he arrives empty handed for the meals and not even a card in sight.

Scoop up every single thing you bought him and return them. Every. Single. Thing.

If he hasn't drunk all the alcohol, see if you can return some of it.

Most importantly: tell him to get to fuck and talk to someone about why you let some arsehole treat you in this manner.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 28/12/2020 11:24

Jaysus woman just dump his appalling arse!! Oh and take back the presents as well

VettiyaIruken · 28/12/2020 11:26

Bloody hell
Take the lot back and tell him to get to fuck.

Siw2020 · 28/12/2020 11:27

Why is this even a question - what would you do otherwise? He's made it clear he doesn't like/want them.

Also, get rid of him and get yourself higher standards of what you accept in a relationship.

ChaToilLeam · 28/12/2020 11:29

Give yourself a present and dump this freeloading disrespectful twit of a man.

Lampzade · 28/12/2020 11:30

What you need to do is get rid of this tosser who lacks manner

Ginfordinner · 28/12/2020 11:30

Do you not discuss Christmas presents in the run up to Christmas? It is usual to do this to manage expectations, even if it is just to agree a budget.

Did you not drop hints even? I know you shouldn't give presents to receive them back, but this is so very unequal. Do you stay with him ever? Does he cook for you?

I would hide away the presents he doesn't like and return them for a refund, then review what you are getting out of this relationship.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2020 11:31

He is using you.

He knows when he's onto a good thing.

Get the presents back, return them and dump him

BertramLacey · 28/12/2020 11:33

The guy has rejected your presents, basically inviting you to get a refund, so it doesn't really sound to me like he's taking advantage of your spending problem?

I don't think he's inviting a refund. If that were so he could have said 'thank you so much for the gifts. However, these aren't really to my taste. I think they may have been expensive and I know I turned up empty-handed. I think you should take them back for a refund and maybe next year we agree roughly what we spend on each other'.

Just rejecting them seems more like a kind of power play. If he turns those down the OP may well tie herself in knots trying to work out what he does like and spending even more money in the search for something perfect.

TillyTopper · 28/12/2020 11:35

Oh course YANBU to return them and get money back. The real question is why on earth are you letting him treat you like this?

Aprilx · 28/12/2020 11:36

@Plussizejumpsuit

I don't know why people are so bothered about £170 on food. We spent £350 for the 2 of us for food over the festive period from sainsburys not from somewhere like harrods!
@Plussizejumpsuit

Me neither. There are only two of us and we easily spent more than that. The turkey, one bottle of champagne, one bottle of port and one bottle of Tia Maria were £100. I am sure it can all be done much more cheaply but by the same token it doesn’t mean it is hard to spend £170 over the period.

Anyway OP, I agree with the chorus to dump him. I don’t expect to be offered cash if I am hosting, but at Christmas guests staying a few days typically contribute by bringing alcohol and things like cheeses, chutneys, biscuits, chocolates etc. I cannot believe he sat there opening presents and complaining about them whilst not even having bothered getting anything for you. Did you say something to him about that? I can’t imagine sitting silently whilst DH opened his presents whilst I had none.

StephenBelafonte · 28/12/2020 11:37

Dump him. From what I've seen on mumsnet over the years there will soon be another woman who will take him on and put up with his shit.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 28/12/2020 11:38

The question of whether ot get a refund is obvious, if he's openly said he doesn't want them and actually gone so far as to leave them behind what else are you going to do with them? If he doesn't want them now he won't in 2 weeks time.

I would seriously wonder why you're willing to put up with this awful treatment. It sounds more like emotional self harm than anything else to allow anyone to treat you with such contempt.

MellowYellow101 · 28/12/2020 11:40

@lyinginthegutterstaringatstars

Tip a trifle over his head and tell Him what an ungrateful lazy bastard he is . Then kick him out.why do you put up with this?
I read this as tip a rifle over his head and thought wow mumsnet has become violent Shock

Then I realised you wrote trifle and thought what a waste of perfectly good food!!!

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2020 11:40

Think I would scoop up the presents he didn't want and out those away to be returned. Forget the main gift as it was your choice to spend so much and theres never a guarantee you ll get anything in return. Just learn from it and dont buy any presents for him, again. Before he leaves, tell him, "it would be nice to contribute £50 towards the christmas food and booze as I spent over a hundred pounds" . If he refuses then honestly, I'd break up with him because he has clearly used you. If he does pay then it's not so bad.

eviesmum · 28/12/2020 11:40

Return the gifts and him whilst your at it, he sounds like a dream

PumpkinSpiceWoman · 28/12/2020 11:41

He should bring his own meat and booze next time, if there is one.

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/12/2020 11:41

He's an entitled brat and I really don't think you're ready for a relationship.

Return the gifts, end it and work on your self esteem.

kowari · 28/12/2020 11:42

I don't think it's his fault that you overspent. I would have asked him to bring alcohol for himself and some snacks but not expected any money towards dinner, you are really only paying for the meat or nut roast, veg is about a pound total. YANBU to return the presents.

MrsToothyBitch · 28/12/2020 11:44

Of course YANBU to return them. Quietly put them away (sounds like he won't miss them), refund them and put the money away or buy yourself a Christmas treat.

Then take him back for refund, too. Definite faulty model. He appears to be missing the caring, thoughtfulness, compassion, kindness, generosity and empathy components.

You mention low self esteem OP but you clearly know you're worth more than this man and deserve better. It's a good place to start, good luck on building it up!

Bookworming · 28/12/2020 11:44

Are you news years resolution to get rid of him, honestly he's no good for you.

Benjispruce2 · 28/12/2020 11:45

New year, new single life. I’m flabbergasted your question is about the gifts. Talk about ignoring the obvious.

PornStarQuarantini · 28/12/2020 11:45

Where are the gifts now OP? I would move & stash them if you can. If he asks where they are say "I'm gonna return them as you don't like them. I think I overspent anyway." Hopefully that'll instigate a contribution conversation too.

This man is not worth your time or money. He hasn't thought about you, only himself. I hope you can see that now and find the strength to ditch him. X