To get a refund for these presents

[ToniTheDonkey]

My OH told me he was going to spend Xmas Day at my house and told me what he wanted to eat. I spent £170 on food including meat (for him - I’m veggie) and alcohol (I’m teetotal). He turned up at 1.30 on Christmas Day empty handed and has not yet offered any money towards the cost of the food.

After dinner he opened his presents - I’d spent about £300 on him. There were a couple of presents he said he didn’t like. He could have been polite and not said anything. Knowing my OH, when he packs his stuff to go home, he’ll leave behind the presents he didn’t like. WIBU to take those presents back for a refund and keep the money to offset the cost of the Xmas food?

He brings nothing to your health or your relationship in fact, he detracts from your mental health.

Get the refund and dump him! In fact kick him out now!

@SaltyAF Some people are saying that it is normal for guests to bring drinks when invited over. But I don't think that's comparable at all to an "OH" coming over.

OP I'm in a similar situation in that I don't live with my partner, but am too old to call him a boyfriend, and have been with him just under 2 years, so this was my second Christmas with him.

We spent around £40-50 on each other's presents. They weren't big gifts. He could afford something bigger but I can't and I don't like things to be unequal or feel I'm sponging off him. They were thoughtful presents that we each knew the other would like.

We discussed how we would spend Christmas in advance - although if I'm honest there was an assumption it would be like last year, when we spent Christmas together. I went round to his with many of the ingredients we would need for Christmas dinner, plus some alcohol. We're both veggie and we both drink, so that's easy. I did the bulk of the cooking, he did the trimmings, table laying, washing up. We don't get hung up on who does what but we do like to help each other out and make it reasonably even.

That I would say is a more reasonable and healthy way to do things. I do think this man is taking advantage of you being bipolar. I friend of mine has it and someone unscrupulous could really exploit her when she's on a high and spending a lot. So yes, take back the presents and get a refund. Then I would have a serious think about this relationship and if possible talk things through with a therapist.

No wonder he has savings!

OP are you purposefully missing the point.

It's not about your overspending.

It's about someone, anyone, coming to your house for Xmas, availing of your hospitality, and showing up empty handed. Not so much as a bottle of wine.

NOBODY bar a selfish freeloader does that.

You are being taken for a mug.

Boyfriends and partners should add to your life, OP. This man seems to take and take and not much else. Demand better for yourself.

His name doesn't begin with K does it?!

I dated a guy who did EXACTLY this! I made him reimburse me in the end after ending it, for my own peace of mind.

Please ask him to leave OP. Regain some self respect!

Op have you actually enjoyed the last few days I or has the resentment eaten away at you?

OP you're not listening to anyone!

@ToniTheDonkey - honest question; do you like him?

He sounds like a complete prick to me; but 18 months is quite the investment in someone. Why do you stay with him?

@ToniTheDonkey

Hey OP. I say this in the nicest way possible, I don't mean to be harsh. This isn't a criticism, more a question.

I can't help but notice that you're answering all the practical questions people are asking - whether he got you anything, what you spent the food money on, how he's behaved when he opened his gifts, etc.

But you're not addressing the 'elephant in the room' which is, can you see what's wrong? Are you happy in general? Are you content with this relationship usually? Because from our point of view on here it seems EXTREMELY one sided. He seems rude and inconsiderate, and you seem to be bending over backwards for him.

It's all very easy for people on here to tell you to dump him but obviously we don't know how you feel day to day. I would say either he's usually a fabulous partner or - more likely from your answers and the fact you've said nothing about whether you're happy, perhaps you're struggling to accept that maybe this is a relationship not worth pursuing.

Are you usually putting 50/50 in terms of relationship effort and any expenses? Does he treat you to nice things / pay for meals out, etc, sometimes? If not, I think you know what that says about him and your relationship.

Oh but if his name is Jamie (he sounds very familiar)- run a fucking mile, not contributing to Christmas is the least of your problems.

You think before he goes he will say to you "Thanks for having me, how much do I owe you?" according to one of your posts.

I dont know either of you, I can only go on your posts, but (call me mega-mind if you like) this wont happen

Please, please, set your bar higher than this. Or just have a bar. You deserve far more than his dregs

what on earth

you need to take all his presents back op and get some help for your bipolar and over spending

Why aren't you listening? Why post something if you're going to ignore everyone?

@ToniTheDonkey The very best Christmas present you could give yourself is to get rid of this man.

Well regardless of Christmas I think your new year's resolution needs to be to stop letting people treat you like rubbish and to dump this free loader right now.

You'll feel a lot happier without him.

@ToniTheDonkey get a refund and ask him to leave. You deserve so much better

OP it's very difficult to read all this and know that you will ignore all the advice.

what did you want out of this thread?

He is a freeloading, nasty, uncaring man who doesn;t love you - why are you wanting validation of the relationship?

Oh dear OP, sorry you are feeling like this.

Have you tried discussing your feelings with your OH?

In a healthy relationship, you should be able to discuss each other's expectations for Christmas and if they were mis-matched.

You should be able to let him know how you feel. Does he know you have a tendency to over-spend. Perhaps he find sit a bit embarrassing and stifling.

The important thing is to be able to let each other know how you feel. If you don't feel able to do that, then maybe the relationship isn't giving either of you what you want.

Take the presents back, then see if they’ll let you return him as well.

The guy has rejected your presents, basically inviting you to get a refund, so it doesn't really sound to me like he's taking advantage of your spending problem?

If he invited himself to yours, how about you invite yourself over to his now, saying that it's your turn to get some Christmas pampering? Then end it when you've balanced out your overspending slightly?!

Perhaps look into seeing your GP again or getting some therapy?

hes using you i assume he knows about your bpd-no present at all

does he always come over for dinner etc-sounds like you do most of the practical stuff

Good grief, woman! Get rid of this shitty excuse for a “partner”. Yes, return and refund the gifts. Makes sense.

Work on why you think so very little of yourself. And I mean that kindly.