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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a refund for these presents

321 replies

ToniTheDonkey · 28/12/2020 09:23

My OH told me he was going to spend Xmas Day at my house and told me what he wanted to eat. I spent £170 on food including meat (for him - I’m veggie) and alcohol (I’m teetotal). He turned up at 1.30 on Christmas Day empty handed and has not yet offered any money towards the cost of the food.

After dinner he opened his presents - I’d spent about £300 on him. There were a couple of presents he said he didn’t like. He could have been polite and not said anything. Knowing my OH, when he packs his stuff to go home, he’ll leave behind the presents he didn’t like. WIBU to take those presents back for a refund and keep the money to offset the cost of the Xmas food?

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 28/12/2020 12:32

@AhNowTed

My god, some posters are worse than the boyfriend, arguing over the price of carrots Hmm

Ffs!

Especially since OP has said she is bipolar, which can mean problems with spending. Not that this POS "boyfriend" minds.

Please ditch him, OP. He's using you and he doesn't care about you.

Bananalanacake · 28/12/2020 12:33

What are his good points. Thank God he doesn't live with you, I'm surprised he hasn't tried.

1WildPartridgeInAPearTree · 28/12/2020 12:35

OP it is entirely your choice on how much you spend on food and gifts for a person you love.

Did you feel pushed into spending money you didn't want to? If so - then there is a problem.

On him:
He seems to lack basic good manners - in expecting to eat without contributing and to accept gifts without feeling that he should give in return. He is not behaving in a way that fits our cultural norms.

Of more concern is that he seems unaware of what you would have liked - or at least he was unwilling to do anything that would suit you.
He does not seem loving.

Is he of any value to you? (I note that you were happy to spend Christmas without him.)

tenlittlecygnets · 28/12/2020 12:35

Op, do you have friends irl you can talk to? Don't put up with this bloke. He's horrible and no good for you. What sort of thoughtless selfish git would let you spend money on gifts and not buy you anything?

You might want to do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your bar for next time.

Procrastination4 · 28/12/2020 12:35

Yes, take the presents back for a refund, if you can. They are of no use to you and the person you bought them for doesn’t want them, so you might as well have the money which will be far more useful to you.
As for the relationship. I would echo previous posters who advised you to drop him. He seems to be adding nothing to your life. and if he is taking you for granted at this stage of your relationship, things will surely only get worse.

WinterSunglasses · 28/12/2020 12:38

I was hoping that before he leaves he would say something along the lines of “thank you for having me and how much do I owe you?”

Given the way he opened presents without anything for you in return, I don't think there is any chance of him saying the above. As pp have asked, what are his good points? He sounds like a dead loss.

Twiddlet · 28/12/2020 12:39

What the FUCK? You spent £300 on gifts, £170 on food and he turned up without a card, a gift or even a contribution to the food? And you say he’d just leave presents that weren’t good enough to take home? Dump him! Selfish, tight-fisted, greedy, freeloading arse.

lilylongjohn · 28/12/2020 12:39

I think you need to sit down and talk very bluntly to him before he goes home.

I think I'd say to him that you feel taken advantage of, you've spent over £100 on food and drink for him, and he didn't even have the common decency to buy you a Christmas gift or offer to pay for part of the food.

His reaction to this will tell you all you need to know. He'll either look embarrassed and offer to pay for the food and apologise. In which case the relationship might be salvageable. Or he'll be indifferent or become argumentative and try and blame you for not asking him. If this happens spell out you are asking him now. Tell him the gifts he doesn't like you are keeping and it's time he went home. Not to return.

Just because you have mh issues does not mean you deserve to be treated so appallingly

LunaTheCat · 28/12/2020 12:40

Op you sound lovely but this man is a complete arse! - take presents back for refund and dump him. He loads like a cock loadger!

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2020 12:40

Right, OP. He’s still there so say this

“Hey OH - when shall we settle up the food & drink costs? I spent £110 at the supermarket so please can you transfer me £55 now? Thanks.”

If he makes ONE SQUEAK of protest remind him he brought nothing with him, eats meat & drinks alcohol so a bigger share of the bill is his but you were trying to be nice, and to add insult to injury he didn’t even get you a gift. Then show him out.

LittleBearPad · 28/12/2020 12:45

Which is why the budget should have been agreed upon beforehand. You can't just expect someone to hand over over £50 for just three days worth of food!

You bloody well can if you’ve dictated the meat based menu to your veggie girlfriend.

OP he’s taking the piss. I’d take the presents back and get rid of your parasitical BF too.

Florelei · 28/12/2020 12:46

Wait so he opened the presents shamelessly, didn’t buy you anything and then said he didn’t like them??

Honestly, be alone than be treated like this,

Natsel84 · 28/12/2020 12:50

OP

Why are you with him ?

Can you at least answer that ?

MzHz · 28/12/2020 12:57

@AhNowTed

My god, some posters are worse than the boyfriend, arguing over the price of carrots Hmm

Ffs!

Agreed!

This isn’t about the cost of carrots, this is about the turning up absolutely empty handed, PLUS no gifts and no card.

Anyone invited or even self invited as was the case here would have asked “can I bring anything?” This guy is an absolute tool.

Sceptre86 · 28/12/2020 12:57

You have responded to most messages apart from those that ask why you are with such a man. That says a lot. You have set yourself low standards and he fulfills them. You deserve better he doesn't sound like he appreciates your efforts and of that is the case, is not worthy of your time.

Cherryberrypies · 28/12/2020 13:03

Take all the presents back! Not just the ones he doesn’t like.

Did he get you a nice gift?

Haffdonga · 28/12/2020 13:07

Classic cocklodger with a nasty streak of exploitation of your mental health condition for his own benefit. He is using you

Now, before he leaves is your chance to put things right by asking politely and assertively for his contribution.
You say: OH, I've just done the maths and added it up. Your share of the Christmas shopping bills was about £60. Could you transfer it to me before you go, please?
He says: ^But I'm your guest. I shouldn't have to pay. I'm your bf!
And you say: But guests bring food or contribute and if you are my bf you would have got me a present^

Or he says: But you wanted to buy me presents. You chose to do that. I didn't want them. Why should I buy you anything? You're not my gf.

And you will know,

CustardySergeant · 28/12/2020 13:08

Cherryberrypies "Did he get you a nice gift?"

He got her nothing.

lalafafa · 28/12/2020 13:11

Het some bloody dignity back and dump the arsehole.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 28/12/2020 13:12

So you're in thousands of pounds of debt.... but you spent £300 on him for xmas. You do realise that a lot of couples just get each other a token gift, dont you?

Everything you've written is totally insane. You need to end this relationship and you should not get into another relationship until you've received some more help.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 28/12/2020 13:18

Which is why the budget should have been agreed upon beforehand. You can't just expect someone to hand over over £50 for just three days worth of food!

@kowari sure you can if that person invites themselves over AND gives a list of what foods they expect to be given.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 28/12/2020 13:21

@LunaTheCat

She does not sound lovely. She sounds like a doormat. It is not lovely or kind to be a doormat.

Please do not perpetuate the idea that women need to be subservient and meek in order to be called lovely.

ipswichwitch · 28/12/2020 13:26

You said yourself he wasn’t embarrassed sitting there opening his presents knowing he hadn’t got you any. Why on earth are you waiting for him to suddenly turn and offer to pay for half of the food before he leaves? You know this won’t happen. He’s invited himself over, informed you what he wants to eat and drink, turned up empty handed and I’m willing to bet done bugger all to help out in any way. You need to dump this cocklodger. He is not going to be good for your mental health, or your finances. You deserve so much better, and for that reason you need to work on your self esteem before embarking on another relationship, or you’ll end up with another twat like this one.

Chloemol · 28/12/2020 13:31

Yes do it. Then dump him life is to short

midnightstar66 · 28/12/2020 13:40

Return the presents and the OH. Sounds like an absolute pratt.

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