Page 13 | To get a refund for these presents

ToniTheDonkey · 2020-12-28T09:23:00+00:00

My OH told me he was going to spend Xmas Day at my house and told me what he wanted to eat. I spent £170 on food including meat (for him - I’m veggie) and alcohol (I’m teetotal). He turned up at 1.30 on Christmas Day empty handed and has not yet offered any money towards the cost of the food. After dinner he opened his presents - I’d spent about £300 on him. There were a couple of presents he said he didn’t like. He could have been polite and not said anything. Knowing my OH, when he packs his stuff to go home, he’ll leave behind the presents he didn’t like. WIBU to take those presents back for a refund and keep the money to offset the cost of the Xmas food?

jessstan1 · 31/12/2020 07:43

Certainly take the presents back and keep the money. More importantly ditch this mean bloke.

Original poster

ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 07:44

@DianaT1969

OP, do you have a friend or family member that you can trust, and who would be willing to oversee your finances? Being quite brutal, you can't be trusted with your own money. You are getting into further debt because you are being targeted by freeloading, selfish twats. He isn't the first, is he? Please ask your friends and family for an intervention, so that these users (combined with your low self-esteem) can't push you further into debt. How do your DC fit into this? They lose out if you're in debt.

I don’t have DC and neither does he.

You’re right, he’s not the first - I used to live with a man who was positively miserly. As my late grandmother would have said, he wouldn’t give you the drippings off his nose (sorry!). He earnt way more than I did (at point he earned three times what I did) but everything had to be split 50:50. He wasn’t even generous of spirit.

Current OH isn’t anywhere near that bad (and we earn a similar amount) plus he is generous with his time and effort. He’s excellent with DIY and fixing things so if I ask him to fix anything round the house that I’ve broken, he will kindly do that for me. Eg earlier in the year he fitted a new electric shower for me.

I know I sound like I’m making excuses for him but when I think about it sensibly, he’s not taking advantage of me financially, more he’s just thoughtless.

OP posts:

Original poster

ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 07:49

@Haffdonga

Classic cocklodger with a nasty streak of exploitation of your mental health condition for his own benefit. He is using you

Now, before he leaves is your chance to put things right by asking politely and assertively for his contribution.
You say: OH, I've just done the maths and added it up. Your share of the Christmas shopping bills was about £60. Could you transfer it to me before you go, please?
He says: ^But I'm your guest. I shouldn't have to pay. I'm your bf!
And you say: But guests bring food or contribute and if you are my bf you would have got me a present^

Or he says: But you wanted to buy me presents. You chose to do that. I didn't want them. Why should I buy you anything? You're not my gf.

And you will know,

I’m going to keep re-reading this in the hope that I can remember use your assertive wording. I’m not good at coming up with wording like that. I’m 99% sure that he won’t say I’m not his bf though.

OP posts:

Original poster

ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 07:52

@DianaT1969

OP, do you have a friend or family member that you can trust, and who would be willing to oversee your finances? Being quite brutal, you can't be trusted with your own money. You are getting into further debt because you are being targeted by freeloading, selfish twats. He isn't the first, is he? Please ask your friends and family for an intervention, so that these users (combined with your low self-esteem) can't push you further into debt. How do your DC fit into this? They lose out if you're in debt.

Forgot to add, that you’re right that I can’t be trusted with my own money but the good news is that I spent a couple of hours last night (well actually it was this morning) researching refinancing my debt.The application is being processed, but if it is agreed, but if it is accepted it will lower my monthly payments.

OP posts:

Isthisit22 · 31/12/2020 07:54

How can you keep seeing someone who gave you nothing for Christmas?
Someone who sat there, ate the expensive dinner you made, accepted expensive gifts, then gave you nothing.
It doesn't matter what else he may help with (the petrol thing cost him nothing).
He clearly is either a terrible miser or doesn't care about you. Either way you should dump him.
He wasn't just 'thoughtless'. He'd have to be brain dead not to realise it was wrong to take presents when not giving them.

inappropriateraspberry · 31/12/2020 08:11

If he was guest, invited or not, I wouldn't expect a contribution to the food and drink, but it would be the polite thing for him to offer or bring something himself. Plus I'd definitely expect a gift! It was Christmas for crying out loud, and you are long term partners.

PornStarQuarantini · 31/12/2020 08:24

Did he leave the unwanted presents behind then?

BertramLacey · 31/12/2020 10:24

he is generous with his time and effort. He’s excellent with DIY and fixing things so if I ask him to fix anything round the house that I’ve broken, he will kindly do that for me. Eg earlier in the year he fitted a new electric shower for me.

You think of this as generous and kind - I see it as him doing the things he wants to do. The kindness is entirely on his own terms, which isn't really kindness. He likes DIY so he does your DIY. He gets to do something he enjoys and you then feel grateful and think he's amazing, so it's win-win for him. Being kind and generous includes doing the other things that you don't particularly like doing - in his case making the time and effort to choose and buy your girlfriend a Christmas present.

Be careful not to be fooled OP. Of course he's not entirely bad, or you wouldn't be with him. But he sat there on Christmas day and opened £300 worth of presents, whilst he gave you nothing. Not only was he not embarrassed, he then complained that he didn't like some of the presents. Think about that next time you're saying he is kind - he's not even kind enough to fake 'oh that's lovely' or a more honest 'thank you so much but it's not really my thing and it must have cost you a lot. Why don't you take it back for a refund and get something for yourself'.

SilverRoe · 31/12/2020 10:40

Jesus. Look he’s not thoughtless. Either he’s so monumentally ignorant he doesn’t understand a simple concept like gift giving or he’s so unbothered by you he happily opened presents and complained he didn’t like two out of nothing other than entitlement and cruelty.

It’s mind bending that you don’t see it like that. Your self-esteem will never improve with a man like this in your life. It will only get worse. Is that what you want for yourself? To feel even worse about yourself?

Whythesadface · 31/12/2020 10:40

I found this helped me on overspending.
Your allowed to pick something up look at it enjoy it, then ask yourself this
Oh look socks for DP.

Does he buy me anything?
Does it upset me that I buy for him and he never does it back?
Does he even seem to care that I spend the money ?
Ok let's put it back and make a note if he asks and gives me the money to buy socks.

Whythesadface · 31/12/2020 10:43

I think you could text him as well.
Hope you enjoyed Xmas.
I didn't like to mention it while you were here but what are you getting me for Xmas as you forgot to give me anything!

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 31/12/2020 10:48

If you text him, no need to say anything other than "You're dumped, you selfish leech, find someone else to bleed dry."

Allispretty · 31/12/2020 10:57

What a piece of shit! I've not read all but can see you've had some good advice...op start the new year a fresh and love yourself enough to be rid of this selfish fuckface

Original poster

ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 11:00

@Whythesadface

I found this helped me on overspending. Your allowed to pick something up look at it enjoy it, then ask yourself this Oh look socks for DP.

Does he buy me anything?
Does it upset me that I buy for him and he never does it back?
Does he even seem to care that I spend the money ?
Ok let's put it back and make a note if he asks and gives me the money to buy socks.

That’s a good one to remember.

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steppemum · 31/12/2020 11:11

While I can understand that the host might be expected to pay for the food over Christmas, the two things that stand out to me are

he didn't breing anything. I cannot imagine turning up without a bottle or wine/box of chocolates. Also, when going to someone's for Christmas I always ask if I can bring anything. (they often say no as they can afford it, but I do not assume that they will pay for everything)
no gift. This is pretty shit. If you had spent £20 and he had got nothing, it still would have been pretty unkind. But you spent loads getting him something that he likes/collects and he didn't even spend a fiver. You have to ask why? Everyone knows that you exchange gifts at Christmas. Who turns up at their partners house without anything, unless they had agreed that in advance? This is pretty fundamental to his attitude to you. Challenge him on it please. Just ask - how come you didn't buy me anything for Christmas? It isn't about how much he spent, but it is, as the cliche says, all about the thought.

On another note, while it is, in theory, fine to spend that much on food and gifts, you are in debt. My Christmas shop for a family of 5 with 3 teens was £170, that was for a whole week over Christmas of feeding 5 people, and included a £30 turkey. (to be fair, there wasn't any alcohol in that) I don't spend £300 on a gift for dh because I don't have it. The first thing to do when planning Christmas is to decide on a budget. If you have a lot of debt, then you don't have a lot of spare cash for gifts. Choose an amount and stick to it. Dh and I spend about £60 on each other, as our budget is tight. If we had loads of money, we might spend £200-£300, but we don't, so we don't spend that much. Too often people start Christmas planning with - I want to spend £300, where shall I borrow it from? Much better financial sense to say - I have £50 so that is my budget.

Whythesadface · 31/12/2020 11:16

I learnt long ago if I was short of money to write a list ,draw out the cash, put my card in the car .
Amazing how knowing that small walk to the car stops you buying things.

TeaAndHobnob · 31/12/2020 11:21

Mate, get rid of this leech. A bit of DIY or whatever does not make up for the fact he let you spend £100 on food that you don't eat, £300 on presents for him and he turns up empty handed.

Who does that? Ask yourself that OP. Would you do that? No. So why accept that from someone who is supposed to love you.

NettleTea · 31/12/2020 11:53

The issue is that no, normally you wouldnt expect a guest to pay for lunch. However he specified things he wanted for the lunch that were not sharable, and didnt bring them with him, nor offer to pay for them.

OP did her bit by cooking them, but she shouldnt have been out of pocket for the honour - so as a minimum he should pay the cost for those items.

The not buying a present? well that is simply mean and rude. You have been with him for a while. Is this pattern similar for birthdays? Has he spent £300 odd on birthday presents? with such a disparity you need to follow his lead here - if he buys nothing then you buy nothing.

Going forwards, does he eat at your place regularly/stay over alot? Do you do the same amount of time at his place? Is he providing food there? Does he demand 'meat' when he is fed at yours? Does he buy takeaways to make up for your cooking.

It would be a good idea to take a good hard look at what he actually puts his hand in his pocket for - not the DIY jobs he does (I assume you still pay for the parts, or did he pay for the shower unit? ) Partners are supposed to help each other, but it doesnt negate them paying their way as well.

LannieDuck · 31/12/2020 12:45

If you want a less incendiary way of broaching it, why not start by asking why he didn't get you anything for xmas? That's a pretty mild question and a totally reasonable thing to ask.

FestiveFannyGallops · 31/12/2020 13:32

So he likes you being dependent on him for fixing things which gets him all the glory but he gets to treat you like shit. Pay a tradesmen or even better learn to fix things yourself. You have a transactional relationship where he fixes things and you give him food, lodgings, presents and sex. Not a very balanced relationship is it.

steppemum · 31/12/2020 17:22

Going forwards, does he eat at your place regularly/stay over alot? Do you do the same amount of time at his place? Is he providing food there? Does he demand 'meat' when he is fed at yours? Does he buy takeaways to make up for your cooking.

This absolutely. Take a long hard look at what you ar e paying for. I am guessing that it is no surprise that you are in debt and he has savings.