To ask for your stories of life as an only child?

[whereisthejoy]

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not? How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers? Would you stop at just one child yourself?

I have an only (2) and no idea if I'm doing the right thing by her. I grew up in a big family and can't even think of any only-child friends so very keen to know others' experiences.

Thanks

It’s different for every child. It all depends on how much interaction they have with other kids and how much they like their own company.
Also, relationship with parents is important.

I was brought up as an only child, as my half-siblings were much older and had moved out of the family home by the time I was a toddler. Everyone’s experiences of being an only child are different, but my childhood was pretty lonely. My parents never seemed keen on having my friends over to play which didn’t help. Also my side of the family is very small because my dad never had siblings either. I have very little contact with my half-siblings, especially since our DM died, so the family seems smaller than ever. I have an only DC at the moment and we’re keen to have another so they don’t feel lonely like I did.

I was lonely and bored a lot. Hence me deciding not to have an only.

Hi. I’m an only.
I will be honest and say I found it lonely but, and this is a very big but, there are a few factors in that.
Firstly I grew up way out in the country with very few other children around. No neighbourhood kids to hang about with. No one ever came to knock for me.
Secondly I have the least maternal mother ever. She wasn’t interested in me as a child. Also there wasn’t any other family around. No cousins, no grandparents, no aunts and uncles.

What I’m saying is that in my experience being an only is fine if you have other children around.
When I was a child being an only was unusual and you got funny looks. I remember in French at school learning to say how many siblings you had and there wasn’t an option in the text book for none. I was the only only in my class at school.
However, I’m now a teacher and I see that numbers of only children are increasing, at least 2 or 3 in each class. I also see only children with close friendships. Some teacher are still prejudiced towards only children though and will call things ‘typical only child behaviour’.

On the flip side my DH is one of 4. He has next to no contact with his siblings. Doesn’t recall playing with them or anything like that.
I have a close friend who is also an only. We haven’t actually seen each other in years but we text and call a lot. We have both said that we are the siblings we didn’t have.

Being an only is fine. It’s other people who have the problem.
I find it means I’m happy with my own company to the extent that I need time alone every so often.

I was an only child and it was ok but there is something lovely about having other children to play with and be close to. It also teaches compromise and toughens children up. I was ok with my own company but I think I was also quite an eccentric, over-sensitive, rather odd child. Still love my own company and feel a bit overwhelmed after too much time in the company of others.

However, because of these very things, I’ve struggled with the all-consuming nature of motherhood and I don’t think I will have another child.

Lonely. Massively affected my ability to make friends, I struggled to understand social cues and norms and very much had an idea in my head of what a friendship should be like and struggled when it didn't work out like that. Was cripplingly shy. No support if I argued with my parents and it also meant any rebellion I did as a teenager was a million times worse because there was no one else to balance it out. I struggled to share and play in different ways to what I was used to. Spent a long long time making up imaginary siblings and a "normal" busy, full family life.

How was growing up
Boring and I was constantly frightened and felt alone and 'different ' but only the boring aspect is down to being an only and being alone much of the time. I struggled to gel with other children, they all had siblings but I didnt think much of being an only at tne time. Kids tend to accept the status quo.

what did you love
Animals and reading.
what did you not? Being alone but again I didn't feel it wrong I just accepted it as children do

How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers?
Dad has been a struggle but okay now. I grew up very frightened of him
Mum is fine.

Would you stop at just one child yourself
I've not had any. If I did have one I'd try my best to ensure they were prioritised, in ensuring they were adequately socialised.

Only children get this weird stigma of being social pariahs - no social skills, can’t share blah blah blah. Please ignore all of that. It’s nothing like that and there are plenty of big families whose children display all of the associated only child behaviours.

Just do normal kid stuff with them - have friends over, outside school activities and they’ll be fine. I don’t understand all the hang wringing about only children!!!!

I am a really happy only child. I found out in adulthood it wasn’t my parents’ choice, they had a lot of difficulty having me and then weren’t able to have a second so I do feel sad for them but as a child was honestly so happy. Perhaps because they weren’t intending me to be an only they made a lot of effort despite being shy to have me invite friends and so on and I never remember feeling lonely at all. The only thing that has come up on adult life is I do have a fairly thin skin sometimes which I think is sometimes associated with missing out on the constant low level hassle I see my kids give each other which maybe “toughens them up” a bit. My parents were probably a bit doting and indulgent to be fair. But I’m a happy adult with happy childhood memories who chose to have two kids in large part because my dh was really keen. He sadly barely speaks to his brother who has gone down a completely different path (drugs, scamming etc) so think even in his case was more romanticising something or creating something he didn’t have than recreating happy memories.

I will add that everyone's experience will be different. I was fine friendship wise until I moved schools aged 7, and at this point the choice to make new friends was overwhelming and never really happened. I havent forged many friendships over time.

. I was ok with my own company but I think I was also quite an eccentric, over-sensitive, rather odd child. Still love my own company and feel a bit overwhelmed after too much time in the company of others
I am very much like how piglet describes it here.

Also, having siblings doesnt always mean things are better. I have a close friend who doesnt speak to their two siblings at all and know of many others who have hated and had horrid abuse at hands of their siblings, Male and female of all variations.

Thanks for these responses everyone. Yeah I've no idea why it is such an issue (for some people) deciding whether to have a second! I had my one later in life so time is absolutely ticking, but then never thought I'd have any at all. Not sure it's the right thing for me to have another, but the mum guilt can be overwhelming. Want to do best by my DC.

I am an only child and due to the stillbirth of her brother, my DD is one too. I was a happy only child. My parents were fun and loving and always involved. I’m happy in my own company. Mum died when she was relatively young and I’m very aware that dad will always be my responsibility. However DH has a sibling who he never sees and has no relationship with so his DM also depends on us completely. There’s no guarantee that siblings will like each other!
We focus on the positives. The pot of money for activities etc is only shared one way so DD knows this is why she is able to do or try most things she asks about. She also knows that her dad and I didn’t grow up in such a financial position and she’s not grabby. She’s kind and pretty outgoing. Only children aren’t lesser in some way.

I was a perfectly happy only child. I played with local children and family friends. I wasn’t spoiled but obviously money goes further on one child than 2 or more.

I enjoyed reading but also playing out with friends.

My impression is that most siblings aren’t happy playmates, they either ignore each other or are at each other’s throats.

• and interested to hear accounts of growing up as an only, hence not posting this in the 'only children' section as that's more about having one rather than being one.

Only here too! I have never felt lonely and am very close to my mum. Now being older I do recognise that maybe I am not very good at friendships, I think it is because I am quite self sufficient and I do not want drama or stress. Also I never had to deal with sibling conflict so perhaps do not have the skills to navigate difficult friendship issues, I just walk away. I have 2 ds and have been intrigued to see how their bond has developed. I would say make sure you do play, do board games etc as I never had anyone to do those things with and I do enjoy them now. Also I find all occasions fall to me, birthday, Christmas, Easter I have no one to share things with which I find hard sometimes. I have never wanted siblings, in fact so many people I know do not get on with theirs so I am happy as I am.

I am an only and I loved it. I would play by myself for hours - I had a really good imagination and actually hated school because I hated having to play with other children because they would make the games go in directions I didn’t want to!

I used to read - loads - and still do.

I am very introverted as an adult and have no close friends and never have done really but it doesn’t bother me at all. I met my dh online and we have two dc. I did have a wild time in my late teens and went out drinking and socialising a lot but it wasn’t really “me” and now I’m more like I was as a child!

It 100% depends on your parents. If you have great parents you'll be fine. Also helps if the child has a lot of friends and the friendships are facilitated by the parents.

I'm an only child. Never felt lonely, had a great relationship with my parents though lost my dad as a teenager. I've definitely benefited from having my mum to myself and, financially, I have also benefitted. I think there is a stigma about only children that is very unfair and the media pressurise you to have more kids. Every tv show and advent always seems to show what should be the 'normal' family.

I have an only and would have liked more but have secondary infertility. I can't really put my finger on why I wanted more given what I've said above. It's been hard but I know that my son will have all the benefits I have and will maybe end up with someone who has a bigger family, like I have.

I had a lot of preconceptions held against me as an only child, spoilt etc people were amazed when I said I didn't have any siblings, they expected me to be some kind of monster! I think or at least hope, things have moved on now.

I am an only, I grew up with very close relationships with various cousins, so I wouldn't necessarily say I was lonely. I do however sometimes find that I just need to take myself off for a while - for a walk or up into the bedroom for an hour or so to have a breather from the madness of DH and DC.

I’m an only child and I was absolutely fine. I did often have friends around to play, was with cousins a lot etc. Absolutely no problem socialising etc and I’m outgoing. Very close to my parents too.

I’d say the only thing is that, as I get older I do worry a little more about my parents as obviously if anything happens to one of them, it’s literally just me - so less support I guess.

@SnackBitch2020

It 100% depends on your parents. If you have great parents you'll be fine. Also helps if the child has a lot of friends and the friendships are facilitated by the parents.

My parents were awful - typical 80s chief executive businessman who was a workaholic and never at home and my mum was an alcoholic with schizophrenia (!) I still never wanted brothers or sisters. When I was older (about 10) my Mum was more stable and discussed fostering and I was horrified! Couldn’t stand the idea of having to share my home with other children.

I think sometimes personal stories may not always help you make a decision. People who say they were lonely as an only don't know if they would be lonely with siblings- my DH had 3 sisters and was very lonely. People also tend to think grass is greener i.e. when they imagine siblings, they are imagining best case scenario of best friends forever, not the NC siblings you read about on the relationships board when the reality is probably something in between.

I found it very lonely throughout my entire time living at home - at around age 12 when normally it would be less of a thing, my parents starting drinking more and more consistently and so it essentially became even lonelier. I would be up in my room as wouldn’t want to witness them drunk all the time. I can’t really blame my parents for lack of a sibling though - my mum had several miscarriages.

It has affected my later life as now I’m very much an introvert and seek my own company much more than the average adult. I’m happiest when on my own and able to decide what I get to do - I struggle for extended periods of time of everyone being all at home at once (I know that sounds awful )