To ask for your stories of life as an only child?

[whereisthejoy]

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not? How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers? Would you stop at just one child yourself?

I have an only (2) and no idea if I'm doing the right thing by her. I grew up in a big family and can't even think of any only-child friends so very keen to know others' experiences.

Thanks

I am an only child and it was fab ! My mum and dad took me on loads of good holidays because they has more money to spend on me I suppose .(they had regular jobs, we weren’t rich ) they always encouraged me to ask friends round amd I think I am more creative and happy in my own company . Only downside in my example is they wrapped me in cotton wool a bit and didn’t let me have proper independence so I was useless until I left home !

Same as @AnEleanor. I'm an only child, quite a few friends who are also onlies, and who tend to be independent-minded.

I never felt lonely growing up. If anything, as a child, it forced me to be more sociable. Especially on holidays - i had to make friends, or hang out with my parents all the time. Luckily my parents did opt for child-friendly holidays (camping, center parcs, etc) so it was easy enough to make friends.

All in all i never felt sad or disappointed that i didn't have siblings. I had plenty of friends to play with, and it was nice to be able to have some alone/quiet time as well.

Curiously on this thread, I do see a couple of common themes amongst all of us, happy or unhappy. Some things are universal.

• The awkwardness of having to make friends on holiday
• The pull towards other onlies
• The independence of feeling able to do stuff by yourself
• Enjoying society but also needing some sort of alone time to function. My theory is that an adult sense of privacy that most people don't get until adolescence- possibly even late adolescence and leaving home- kicks in much earlier with onlies and becomes part of our psyche much earlier.

@angstridden2 - I also have a very over powering DM and made a conscious effort to pull away once I bought my flat and got DP. What you think having a sib would have done to your DM & family dynamic?

I thought i enjoyed being an only child until i look back. I was treated as an adult and included in everything (my opinion and was included in adult decisions etc). This made me think my opinion was more important than other peoples and led me to be bossy. I was also very spoilt and never had to lift a finger at home. I am still very lazy and always want to do the bare minimum of cleaning and tidying. So my advice would be to remember that they are a child, anf make them do chores !
If we went on holiday or on a day out i was allowed to take a friend. I loved this. My kids cant bring friends because no space in car etc. My circle of friends at school we all only children aswell.
Now im older, i am concerned that all the care of my elderly parents will fall on me , which terrifies me. My parents are also very invested in my life and i live close to them. They have mentioned before that i could never move away and leave them. So in that respect i feel very trapped.
I chose to have 2 children and it is definatly better in some ways such as learning to share, take turns etc.but in other ways its worse because i have one child who is very demanding and hard work, and the other is quiet and submissive meaning she gets overshadowed alot which concerns me

Not an only but DH is so we talk about it a lot. He had a happy-ish childhood but was desperately lonely and is angry at his parents for not giving him a sibling (They would never have coped with 2 DC though IMO)

From his perspective:

Pros:

• more money

-more parental time

Cons:
-very lonely for most of his childhood. He describes feeling left out during holidays, knowing that other people were playing with siblings and having fun while he knocked about his house alone

• very small family now, as both his parents are only children. No family cultural history. His mum was distraught when her last parent died as apart from DH she has no one, and no one is alive who remembers her childhood

-insane levels of pressure. Both DHs parents struggle with the idea that any other child is better at anything than him, he always has to be the cleverest, the fastest, the kindest etc. They refuse to see his flaws which has meant he really struggles to take any criticism, which has caused problems at work. I think having more than one child makes you understand there are things they are good at and things they are not so good at, and helps you 'see' who they are more, rather than this poor one child being an expression of both parents aspirations and dreams.

We've got 2 DC and are considering a third, and DH gets misty eyed when he sees them playing together, or when DS goes to DD for a cuddle, or when they get in bed together to snuggle. They are absolutely best friends and it's the most wonderful thing.

Not everyone can or wants to have more than one. But I really think it's better for children to have a sibling if possible, it's a unique experience.

Very happy childhood, not lonely at all. My parents took me to lots of interesting places and my mum was a SAHM so I spent a lot of time with her and we're close. They didn't have friends with children, and I didn't have any cousins until I was 5 as they're all younger. I was fine.

I am very introverted and like my own company, but I see that as a good thing - I can't bear people who need entertaining all the time. I was shy as a child but I think I would have been anyway.

I don't know any different - perhaps having a sibling would be lovely, but there's always a chance they'd be a dick! My friends' relationships with their siblings vary hugely between best of friends and no contact.

My son will be an only through choice, and is unlikely to even have cousins. We do have lots of friends with children though, and he goes to nursery.

I was an only child until I was in secondary school. I was very shy, found playing with other children difficult because there seemed to be rules of sharing etc that I didn't understand. I spent most of my time in my room reading or drawing. It made me the introvert and person lacking in self esteem I am today.

Al experiences will be different depending on the generation, family, region, financial circumstances etc. Only child families will be as varied as 2+ child families.

I'm an only child, I had a very happy childhood and now have a great relationship with my parents. There are definitely pros and cons to being an only child and obviously it's impossible to predict what sibling relationships will be like.
One thing I've noticed is that loads of my DCs' friends are only children, it seems like the one child family is much more common than it was when I was growing up. I sometimes felt a bit like the "odd one out" growing up for not having a sibling but I certainly don't think that would be the case nowadays.

I agree pp, a lot of our friends only have one child. Some due to secondary infertility (maybe because we've all started a lot later than previous generations?) but most through choice.

I honestly don't think I could cope with a second now - it certainly wouldn't be fun. If I wanted another I would dread it with a toddler in tow.

@Tellmetruth4 I once read this study that was very interesting. For low income families, the eldest child and the only child tend to outearn and outperform the youngest child, particularly youngest child of 4+ families. This is due to resource dilution and also the oldest child is thought to do better due to the first few years of being an 'only' and having all resources devoted to him/her. However, for wealthy families, it does not seem to matter how many children there are, in fact wealthy onlies seem to perform even slightly worse than wealthy children who grew up in bigger families (but not a huge difference) as children from wealthy families tend to do well in later life as a whole.

This is certainly true for my DH. He is from a family of 4 kids where his mum worked freelance and a low unstable income. when he was a baby, his mother spoke french and german to him so he was effectively trilingual. He went on to achieve masters degree in english and german law. His youngest sister (8 years younger than him) is still doing her GCSEs at 22. She has difficulties but my MIL had to contend with divorce, raising 4 children, full time work and so didn't have time to address those difficulties when she was younger and these problems are easier to solve. When resources are limited- which is true even for many middle class families in Metropolitan areas nowadays, an only child can be a sensible thing. Its very different if you are Jeff Bezos.

I was pretty much always lonely, and envious of my friends who had siblings. I'm a pretty self-centred and anti-social person. I'm going to do everything in my power to give DD at least one sibling.

MrsToothyBitch
My mother was lovely and we had a really good relationship until she died. She was, however, the dominant partner in our house, my father adored her and was very gentle. I just wonder if she had had another child the focus would have been diluted.

I had a lovely childhood but recognise the lack of playmates on holidays etc.Like others as an adult I have regretted the lack of siblings; when my mother was widowed if I didn’t go and see her or have her to stay there was no one else even at the end of the day with children and a FT job. When we went on holiday I was always waiting for the phone to ring with news of an emergency and there was no one else to deal with it.

I'm an only. I had a generally happy childhood but it was lonely and I always wanted a sibling.

Even now, it really can be difficult because there is a lot of pressure on me. Nothing I achieve will ever live up to my parents' hopes (because they want so many things for me) and there isn't anyone else to take the pressure off. My father in particular is bad for this, whenever I am not interested in something he likes he takes it as a personal slight. When in fact I'm just doing my best and being my own person.

I live in another country from them and the guilt trips are immense. I have no idea what we will do if they need care in a couple of decades. And when they go there will be no one else who remembers my childhood--just like how now there is no one who remembers it from a similar perspective to me. (For example, they smacked me but now deny it. But I remember it very clearly as it went well beyond young childhood.)

I love them so much but it would be so much better if I had someone in my corner. Since marrying DH I find it a lot easier to deal with them to be honest.

I was an only child in a single parent family. I never minded as a child, I had friends that we lived with for a while so I appreciated not having siblings when we moved in our own house! As an adult I don't like it as much. I realise not everyone gets on with their siblings but I have friends that are really close and have nieces and nephews they're quite involved with and I think that would be really lovely. I have a BIL and future SIL but they're imminently moving to America so DS and DD won't have any cousins really. That's the main downside for me

Loved it. My parents were amazing. They were older but have best memories of family holidays just the three of us. Playing board games or cards with my mum after school. Going to local cafe just the three of us. I had lovely childhood. Made me very self sufficient. Perhaps a little spoiled but that was drummed out of me in teen years.

I felt so supported and loved. Never wanted siblings. Still dont.

Interesting reading as DD may be an only.

I guess it's the reason for having an only - are parents really invested in parenthood but unable to have more, unable to afford more? Or were they on the fence about kids, have regretted having one and find parenting really difficult? Massive generalisations, but I imagine the prior would have a much happier experience as I only than the latter, in most cases.

@twinklespells

Interesting reading as DD may be an only.

I guess it's the reason for having an only - are parents really invested in parenthood but unable to have more, unable to afford more? Or were they on the fence about kids, have regretted having one and find parenting really difficult? Massive generalisations, but I imagine the prior would have a much happier experience as I only than the latter, in most cases.

I think my daughter will be an only, and one of reasons is that I love her and being her mum so much that I'd be worried a second would upset the balance. I know a few people who had a second and have warned me off having more 🙊😂

When I was just with my mum I felt fine but if my dad was there too I felt the odd one out. It was two's company, three's crowd. I think I saw this in their body language or looks they gave each other. Made me feel a bit excluded. I desperately wanted a sister or brother. Someone to share the pressure. If mum or dad was angry there was nobody to share that with me. The expectations and life experiences falling to just one child. I am very reserved and quite happy in my own company. I think this comes from being alone a lot as a child. DH was asking me about Christmas presents the other day and was shocked that I often opened my presents alone, mum and dad staying in bed. I did often feel very lonely.
I have three dc and I loved seeing their interactions. Even though they are grown up now they still have a good relationship with each other.

I am an only child. I had lots of friends and my mum always encouraged me to have friends over. I think every child experiences being an only child differently. My parents were quite old when they had me - certainly when I was born (1960s) and by the time I was 40 I was an orphan. However that is the luck of the draw. I would feel very alone raising my son when he was a baby without grandparents. Other than that like a couple of others have mentioned I don't like drama in friendships and love my own company. I see those aspects as positive though! Plus also very independent (left home early, have lived abroad gone on holiday alone etc). It was good growing up feeling really wanted and 'special' too. I dont think I was spoilt in a bad way though. Plus many siblings just dont see eye to eye.

Very interesting reading. Thank you all.

I am hugely invested in parenting and love my child more than I thought could be possible. Which is why I've been considering another - trying to decide if it's going to be better for her to have a sibling!

For me, I had a shite pregnancy with bad PGP despite not even going to full term. The early years were bloody hard work - and my DC has always been a good sleeper and eater with a sweet natured temperament! Plus I feel too old to be pregnant again (40 and three quarters!). Financially and career wise it also doesn't make sense although we have enough space.

So I'd be doing it to give my little one a better life - and this thread is making me realise that's not the way to do it. X

I am an only child. My dad was an only child. My son is an only child. My mum has a brother and sister, and says I am lucky to be an only child! I loved being an only child gowing up. I wasn't overly spoilt, although never went without, but I loved being my parents' only child and knowing I was loved and had all of their affection. They were able to send me to private school at 11, which they couldn't have afforded with 2. I had lots of friends and never felt I was missing out. I don't think I ever wanted a sibling. My son is also very happy as an only child - very social and outgoing, but also able to amuse himself, if required. He is very loved as an only child and only grandchild on my side.

@whereisthejoy

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not? How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers? Would you stop at just one child yourself?

I have an only (2) and no idea if I'm doing the right thing by her. I grew up in a big family and can't even think of any only-child friends so very keen to know others' experiences.

Thanks

I was very lonely but it was a bit more complicated than just being an only child but that definitely contributed to it.

I have one DC and would love another but DP doesn't want one.

You have two. Do they play together? Sorry I can't remember whether you added their age.

Oh sorry I read (2) as in you have two children. My DS is 4. He is an only child and doesn't have any cousins. Does your child have any cousins? I know that cousins can become like siblings if they spend a lot of time together.