To ask for your stories of life as an only child?

[whereisthejoy]

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not? How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers? Would you stop at just one child yourself?

I have an only (2) and no idea if I'm doing the right thing by her. I grew up in a big family and can't even think of any only-child friends so very keen to know others' experiences.

Thanks

I was lonely and bored a lot. Not convinced a sibling would have fixed that because they’d have had their own friends and I’d still have been alone. I think I would have felt less trapped and obligated by my parents if I had a sibling. In the long run though my life has been better for being an only child. My parents gave me everything - if I had a sibling I’d only have got half - and my adult life has been much better because they paid for driving lessons, cars, holidays, my wedding, etc. And later on I inherited every single penny without having to share, and that was life changing for me and for my own child because houses are so expensive, no way could I have afforded the house we’re currently living in if I’d had to share that money with a sibling.

My best friend is an only although we spent all our time together so didn't feel like she was but she loved it - even now says she wouldn't want a sibling. I have got a sister who was nasty to me growing up and now is really clingy as an adult so after reading books about birth order and only children etc, l think it is down to each situation and personality. Dd is one of about 5 only children in her class at school so think it is becoming more common - l still would have had another but it wasn't mean to be so just make sure she has a lovely life and lots of social interaction.

Had a very happy and secure childhood as an only child. I was always loved and supported emotionally and financially by parents and grandparents. I think you get to a certain age and hate the thought of having to share your parents if you've been an only child for so long. It's different if you have them all quite close together and they only remember life with siblings.

I've toyed with the idea of another by my ds who is 9 tells me I'm not allowed in case I love it more

From my perspective I'm able to give my full time and attention to him and him alone. I don't think that's a bad thing. I do feel sad about not having a larger extended family as I grow older but overall I think only children are fine.

I was ok with my own company but I think I was also quite an eccentric, over-sensitive, rather odd child. Still love my own company and feel a bit overwhelmed after too much time in the company of others

I am like that. I am not an only. I think that's more down to being naturally introverted. My introverted friend is one of 4 and she hated it, says she felt lost and ignored a lot of the time.

I chose to have one child because frankly, I couldn't have coped with more. We observed DC closely and realised she seemed happy enough, and we always make sure she is socialised. She is a bit 'shy' but so am I and so is her father, and neither of us is an only.

Dh is one of 4 and they never speak to each other - he never even speaks to his parents now. Long story but having more than one child doesn’t guarantee anything!

I loved it. Good parents who engaged with me - I remained very close to them. I was a solitary child in some ways who liked my own company but actually this gave me the confidence to follow my own ideas not to be led by peers. Let’s face it lots of young children are savages! I developed great friends in high school and have kept many and added lots more as life has gone on. I am sociable and extrovert as an adult. My first job was to go self employed probably because if that confidence.
The bonds I make seem much more resilient and fun than those of most siblings. My husband has two siblings and they are both duds. One self obsessed the other just very dull and only interested in motor sport. My closest friends are all amazing.

I would have happily had an only had that been what I wanted. The sibling thing fascinates me but my kids have far fewer skills than I did in this area as they have each other. I think being an only toughens you up - you have to do it if you want it done. There is never a sibling to cover for you or to help. I feel like parts of me flourished because if this. As for the whole looking after aged parents - that always seems to fall to one person. I do admire the odd family where this is shared care between loving and supportive adults but let’s face it that isn’t what you usually see.

I don’t really have an extended family anymore - my parents both had big families but they had shrunk down and the ones left just aren’t that nice really. I live the sound of their childhood full of cousins and siblings but as adults non were that close and beyond the odd fun family party get together we’re more about duty than anything. I chose to fill my spare time with my friends and leave the wider family to Christmas cards.

@mumonthehill

Only here too! I have never felt lonely and am very close to my mum. Now being older I do recognise that maybe I am not very good at friendships, I think it is because I am quite self sufficient and I do not want drama or stress. Also I never had to deal with sibling conflict so perhaps do not have the skills to navigate difficult friendship issues, I just walk away. I have 2 ds and have been intrigued to see how their bond has developed. I would say make sure you do play, do board games etc as I never had anyone to do those things with and I do enjoy them now. Also I find all occasions fall to me, birthday, Christmas, Easter I have no one to share things with which I find hard sometimes. I have never wanted siblings, in fact so many people I know do not get on with theirs so I am happy as I am.

Absolutely yes to the first half of this.

I'm an only.
I don't know any different and it's great!
So with that being said my childhood was filled with all the usual activities of a happy household regardless of siblings, I spent the school holidays having friends over, staying at friends, going out with my dad on weekends (mum worked) and never felt lonely. I also had time to play with my toys alone an this was great as I didn't always want friends about much as I imagine siblings don't want to live in each other's pockets either. Being an only child is not always the doom & gloom rep it often gets!

All I can say is there was no way I was only having one child.

Like a PP, I was brought up as an only child because my siblings were much, much older than me. I had a wonderful childhood.

My parents had a lot of resources just for me as they were older and established. I went to a brilliant Independent school out of town. I also did a sport to a very high level and my parents could take me to any amount of training and competitions, far away and at unsociable hours because it didn't impact on anyone else. We went on mainly 'cultural' holidays where I enjoyed my parents company and undivided attention. I had tonnes of space in a big house that my siblings had already moved out of. Within reason I could have and do whatever I wanted. My mum was a SAHM so I always had her attention and I was (and still am) very close to her.

As a young child I played out in the street with local children. Later most of my free time was taken up with sport, but I had close friends at school. I never, ever felt lonely. However, I am an introvert and don't need lots of people. I have plenty of friends now as an adult, in my introverted sort of way.

DH was one of 5. From early on we agreed we only wanted one. We now have a 10yo who is having a childhood very similar to mine. He has never asked for a sibling or said he is lonely. However, he does choose to flexi-board once a week at school for some extra time with friends. He is an introvert too.

Only here. Loved it. Lots of friends and cousins around. Do prefer my own company though as an adult and truly more introverted at heart. From a purely selfish point of view as an only I got all of my (single) parent's resources plugged into me and we were a happy twosome. Still very close. Had I have had siblings, the opportunities I've had may not have been available due to finances.

It's really down to the parenting - I know some adults who are only children and you can tell to various degrees - very much used to doing what they want to do, borderline spoilt because never had to compete for attention or resources, mollycoddled by their parents. But I also know only children as adults who are much more confidant and have much wider friendships because they haven't had a sibling friendship to fall back on

I'm an only. DM also an only and dad nc with his family so I was the only child in the extended family. Fortunately we always lived on housing estates so there were other children my age around and through high school I was always able to take a friend on holiday with me.

I was bullied at school for 2yrs by a teacher who hated only children which was rough and affected my self confidence until I was in my 20s.
My parents were v determined that I wasn't going to be a spoiled brat so my corners were well and truly knocked off.
I now have some truly wonderful friends but I know that for them family comes first and friends fit in around commitments to parents, GPs, siblings, cousins.. I hate my own company but I really struggle with too much of other people and I need my own space.
When my mum died ( I was in my 30s) and my dad developed dementia I realised that I was the only person who remembered my childhood and that is hugely isolating.

I have 2 children. I wouldn't have chosen to have one.

My introverted friend is one of 4 and she hated it, says she felt lost and ignored a lot of the time.

@stickygotstuck - I am exactly like your friend! On good terms with my siblings now but found childhood pretty tough in the way your friend did. Always sought out my own playmates away from my siblings

I have a couple of much older half siblings who left home when I was very young so was raised as an only child.
There were definitely lots of quiet moments at home, but I don’t remember ever being bored. However, I’m extremely resourceful and was happy with my own company. I played musical instruments and started writing novels as a teenager! Lack of siblings = opportunity for creativity. My Mum was brilliant at having friends over to play and we always went on holiday with other families. We didn’t have a huge amount of money, but being the only child meant they were able to send me to a private school where I was extremely happy. I never missed a close sibling in those days because several of my friends had really awful older brothers! I was glad I didn’t have one.

However....as an adult, I’m so glad I have my older half siblings. They were more like Aunties to me when I was growing up (only seeing them a couple of times a year), but we’re close as adults. Without them, I would have struggled a lot more with the death of one of my parents 20 years ago.

There is no perfect answer. I now have 2 children myself and despite having a wonderful childhood, I would have never wanted to have an only child myself. I do know a few only children (both my contemporaries and those of my children) who lead quite a lonely life. But anyone who can only have 1 child should also never feel guilty about it. There can be so many pros, especially whilst growing up.

I was an only until the age of eight. There were times I felt like I missed out on having a close sibling but mainly because I saw my friends with theirs and felt I was unusual. Mostly, Ioved it. I got all my parents' attention. I was very close, and still am, to my mum. My parents were really good at playing with me but I also had cousins around my age and spent a lot of time with them. I also had a lot of hobbies/joined in lots of after school clubs. I think it's important for your child to have a good social life and for parents to understand how important those relationships are to onlies.

I've grown into a resilient adult; I trust my own judgement and am an ambivert - how much of that is down to personality or upbringing, who knows, but it suited me right down to the ground. I don't think there is a right or wrong and there are no guarantees, so just go with what feels right to you, love your child/ren and enjoy your family - that's all anyone can do.

My childhood was very lonely and ever since I remember I have longed for siblings. All of my friends had siblings and even though they fought I was so jealous of the camaraderie and companionship they seemed to have.

My house always seemed so quiet and sad while my friends had loud, happy and bustling homes. I was never spoiled or benefitted from extra resources or attention. My mum was very distant which I expect hugely contributed to my negative experience.

I still struggle with it now as an adult and my mum is ill. We have a pretty strained relationship and she wasn't a great mother but I still feel alone in the world and like I have no one to relate to or lean on. My DH is always reminiscing about his childhood with his siblings but I feel my own memories and history almost slipping away as I don't share them with anyone or have anyone to keep them alive with as such.

I know many only children have perfectly happy childhoods but this is my experience. It has greatly shaped my own preferences for a bigger family.

Hated being an only. Bored and lonely - especially in the teen years when I wasn't old enough to drive and my parents refused to drive me around to see friends. God that was a miserable few years of my life.

No way I was going to have only one child. I have 14 month age gap between DC and would love one or two more. I know that's no guarantee of lifelong friendship though. DH doesn't speak to either of his 2 sisters.

Only child here and was very happy, enjoyed playing by myself and don't remember ever being bored. All my cousins were adults by the time I was born so I was very much an only child, this meant I preferred adult company in some situations and was probably quite grown up in my outlook. I'm currently debating baby number 2 myself and just don't know...
Pros of being an only is no splitting of attention, time and money... does that make you spoilt and self-centred...? Not in my experience, no I don't think so, I'm probably more easy going and inclined to share, listen to other opinions etc... than most of my friends who grew up with siblings! I do envy the close bond some of my friends with siblings have with each other but equally know plenty who don't really get on with their sibling. I think my main sadness as an only is when my DM is gone I'll have no-one left to reminisce with...

My dear mum died last year and I’m so so glad I have had my brother to share her death and dying with. It’s the lifetime of memories and shared experiences that help now, although we weren’t close in age growing up.

Also I have two teens and although one is away at school I know they really value their relationship with their sibling - especially like you OP, as their father and I are older parents.

I’ve just counted up all the only children I know from school and my children’s school and I can think of 15. Only 3 are boys! Maybe this is complete chance, but I wonder if people are more likely to have a second child if their first is a boy??! Just thinking out loud...

Peoples perception is that you can’t share, you’re going to be weird and spoilt and have no social skills.

I had lots of cousins my age and I didn’t really feel lonely, though I do think I missed some social queues and I was a bit envious that my cousins had a different bond, I recognise that my parents made a real effort to make sure I played with lots of children, had lots of sleepovers etc

Only talking to adults meant I was very bright and mature for my age and that served me quite well. As a kid I was happy that I could play with my cousins and friends and then leave and go home to my quiet home. I never wanted a sibling and was glad I didn’t have one.

As a teenager I always wished there was someone around to shift the focus a bit, and minor indiscretions seemed huge but still I didn’t really want a sibling.

As an adult I am sad I don’t have the bond some of my friends have with their siblings and I’m aware my parents are completely my responsibility
Equally I’m sad for my own children that they won’t have any aunts uncles and cousins on my side.

I do think I am quite self sufficient which is great but also means sometimes it’s hard to make good friends as any time there’s drama I am happy to walk away. I had lots of time and energy (academically, psychologically, time etc) focused on me which has helped me progress in life.

I don’t think it’s a day to day problem and you have to do what’s right for you, if you can’t cope with more DC then that will have different negative effects.

I personally wouldn’t have an only child, but in part that is because I’m aware they would be an only child with no close relatives like cousins and aunts to make up the difference.

DH and I are both only children. We both hated it.
I was passionately not having an only child myself.
Now our parents are dead it makes for a very small family.
Our DS had just 2 birthday cards, one from us and one from his siblings. It is so sad.

Very happy only child here! Absolutely loved it and still do.

DH has siblings. One he loathes and doesn't speak to. The other very distant from.

Siblings are no guarantee!

We chose to have an only ourselves and she is a delightful 7 year old.

I see friends with more than one child and they struggle to give them the attention they need.

Sorry I am not an only and neither are my DC, but a while ago DD’s best friend was an only child and on the back of a lot of posters talking about making the effort to socialise if you have an only I just wanted to say one thing...
BF’s DP’s tried to have DD over for every weekend, it was too much. Obviously DD and her friend wanted to see each other and I was happy for that but every weekend became too much, even when I said ‘Ok go Friday night and I’ll pick you up at 3 on Saturday’ I’d have a text from the parent saying ‘I’ve taken them swimming! Be back at 6!’ And then calls from the girls asking for another sleep over, BF crying down the phone, it was too much! The BF didn’t want to come to ours and ‘share’ DD with her siblings so I ended up having to just say no and felt like I was causing issues, but honestly I ended up thinking, don’t steal my child to be a sibling to yours Probably being U, I don’t know if the DP’s thought they were somehow doing me a favour having her as it meant I had less at home or something, but it wasn’t a favour it was a nightmare and I’m not sure it really encouraged their DC to have reasonable expectations re friendships either.