To ask for your stories of life as an only child?

[whereisthejoy]

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not? How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers? Would you stop at just one child yourself?

I have an only (2) and no idea if I'm doing the right thing by her. I grew up in a big family and can't even think of any only-child friends so very keen to know others' experiences.

Thanks

I am an only child and I was happy. I got on well with adults as a child. I listen to and read about children in large families having to share a bedroom; that would be my worst nightmare ever. I need my space, my solitude. I needed it then. Even now, being an introvert the thought of being in a large family suffocates me. Not having my own room, not having my own space, having to compete for attention, sibling fights - sounds like hell on earth. I only have one and would never want more than one and have taken steps to ensure it never happens. I want my daughter to be happy, confident, have the freedom and I space I had. I think a bigger family is ok as long as EVERY child has THEIR OWN ROOM. Every child. I think that is absolutely crucial. Especially in the pre-teen/teen years. I think it's cruel to not allow a child their own room, their own private space. If I couldn't guarantee that, I wouldn't have more than one. Growing up I had a few only child friends as well. The friends I had who had siblings and the things I heard about their daily lives meant I was ever so grateful I was an only child, and decided early on that I too would never have more than one child.

@Cokie3 I shared a room with my sister even though we had 3 spare bedrooms. I think it was because my parents thought it was natural for children to share.

I dont think the bedroom issue is what would keep me from having a second child. I think its the resource dilution model and the increasing income inequality which is felt much more if you live in a city like London.It doesn't mean it doesn't exist if you live outside London, it just means that wealth is concentrated in 1 part of the country. The middle classes of today don't have the same resources as their parents while the rich have grown richer and can afford to furnish their children with the best resources. the rich are now so rich that age and time are no longer factors- they can afford to pay for nannies, night nurses, egg freezing and IVF. Pensions are no longer a reason as people in the best jobs can continue working well in their twilight years- just look at Murdoch. Which is why so many billionaires actually have fairly large families. On the other hand, even well educated professionals would find nannies and IVF expensive and therefore would rather not opt in.

This is such an interesting thread!

My experience: I’m a 60s baby and my parents were considered ‘old’ when I came along (in their 30s). Mum had HG very badly and probably PND. My folks were also materially poor. I think all of that influenced the decision to leave it at one. A few pp have commented on the stigma of being an only and I had plenty of that growing up! I think I was the only ‘only’ in my class at school. Adults would be friendly towards me and then ask the dreaded question ‘how many brothers and sisters do you have?’ When I answered ‘none’ I’d see their faces change and they’d snap ‘well, you must be very spoiled.’ Materially, no, I absolutely was not ‘spoiled’ as my parents eked out a living week to week and really struggled. In terms of attention, it was very ‘all or nothing’ and this is individual family dynamics as much as anything. I was probably over-scrutinised and I had a vague sense of guilt about my mum being so unwell having me (she made no secret of it) and it was clear she disliked having a small child around in terms of the demands on her. My dad was very sweet but very passive and I guess mum probably felt she was single parent to two children.

As an adult, yes, I am an introvert and, yes, in a room full of strangers I’ll gravitate to the other only, the adopted person or the person with no close sibling relationships. I have no particular issue sharing and one of the things I like about myself is my generosity. The tough bit has been having no one to share the burden of worry/care of an ageing parent. I lost my mum this year and it’s an odd experience to be solely responsible for every decision and to have no one with whom to compare memories and experiences.

DH’s lovely granddaughter is an only with wonderfully sensible parents. She’s happy and sociable and wise beyond her years (another only trait).

I was lonely and bored. Jealous of people with brothers and sisters. My social skills were (and still are) shit so I couldn’t even make friends.

Didn’t help that my parents would buy me board games to play but then couldn’t be arsed to play them with me!

Me: I’m bored
Mum: go play with your new games!
Me: I have nobody to play with!
Mum: don’t be so ungrateful

Oh and, DM had a much older sister so effectively got raised as an only. DF was one of 4 and not at all close to his surviving siblings (one died young). I grew up with aunts and uncles who were very much of an older generation and social gatherings, when they happened, were pretty stilted affairs.

I was an only child until I was 10 and it was a bit lonely, we moved house when I was in infant school and so I didn't go to the same school as all the local kids by me, and none of my school friends lived near enough to just play out with unless planning had gone into it. That sucked.

What was good though was that my mum and dad could see how rubbish that was and so encouraged my friendships with local children and had no issues with us all being in and out of each others houses, or arranging to go to school friends houses and taking me there and collecting me. A lot of effort went into ensuring I had a social life. My mum had been an only child too so understood how limiting it could be.

When my sister came along I was then treated older than my years and expected to help with the baby though. It has led to a weird dynamic with my sister who looks on me as a grown up/substitute mum and seeks validation from me more than she probably would if we were closer in age.

Unlike a pp, my mum was very happy to play board games with me and keep me occupied when she had time, which has led to a lifelong love of them! A lot of my friends were also only children. I don't know if we gravitated to each other deliberately maybe?

I haven’t read the other replies, but I am a very happy only child! Even as a child I did find want any siblings.

I had a very happy childhood with lots of friends, I never felt I was missing out. I always had a great relationship with my parents and we’re still very close now. I have no issues with only having one child, in fact, that would be my preference.

My DH has 3 siblings and they’re not close, they speak at birthdays and rarely in between, possibly about the cricket in the summer. He’s also not particularly close with his parents. There is also a clear favourite with his parents out of the siblings. I know you shouldn’t have favourites but it’s clear some people do and I imagine that must be difficult.

Also- maybe I’m too blinkered but there’s a lot of negative connotations about only children. Honestly I don’t really like sharing my food... but I don’t think I have many of the other “traits”.

On the sharing point - I distinctly remember being chucked into my room with all my toys at my own birthday party (6th I think) as I didn't want anyone playing with them 🙈 the party carried on with my older sister taking the limelight 🤣🤣

Not sharing is definitely not an only child thing. I'm one of 4!

@Bumblebee1980a yes my DC is aged 2!

Her cousins are in different countries - closest in age is 6 and oldest 17 (two live on the other side of the world with the only other of my 4 siblings to have kids).

Been saying to my DH how all this worry would be eradicated if we lived close to his sibling and their 3 kids. They adore our DC. But we are 100% never moving to the country they live in

@Cokie3 interestingly my mum thinks the reason my relationship with my older sibling was so awful, and perhaps contributed to some of the negative stuff growing up, is that we shared a room until I was around 9 or 10. I am an intensely private person - introvert too - and my older sibling was very extrovert and overbearing at times. Not her fault, that was just our dynamic.

I was an only child, DH was an only child and our DC is an only (but we’ve been trying for a second child for three years)

I was very lonely and bored as a child but DH loved it, he went to a fantastic school.

I find we are kindred spirits and understand each other completely, people say only children can’t communicate but touch wood, we have a really solid relationship and I cant see how it could be any better...I think that’s in part because we both wanted an intimate close relationship having lacked that in a sibling as children..

I have several siblings but have an only child. Having read similar threads on mumsnet over the years about potential loneliness for only, I've made an effort to try and prevent this.

So we bought a house on a large housing estate with a park on it and full of children for her to play with. We welcome children to come and play in both the garden and house. Organise playdates, sleepovers and days out with other families.

We even holiday with other families to give her a sibling experience and shared memories with the people she is growing up with.

We also encourage her to join any extracurricular clubs she likes to widen her social circle and social skills.

It seems to be working for us.

It's so interesting reading about people's different experiences.

I'm an only child and have always hated it. I used to dread being asked how many siblings I had and having to say none. I really felt the stigma of being 'an only' and the associated characteristics. As a result I tried really hard to behave in the opposite way, i.e. making sure I was quick to share, letting others go first, trying not to appear bossy, spoilt or self-centred. I think this has led to quite low self confidence and I've struggled a bit professionally as I'm really reluctant to acknowledge any strengths or successes and I find it quite uncomfortable to lead others for fear of seeming a bit full of myself!

Like many others, I dread my parents getting older and needing care and having to negotiate that alone. I like them as people but we're not particularly close and I find the relationship with my mum in particular quite difficult. They weren't pushy at all when I was growing up which I appreciate but it was still quite an intense relationship and I hated the spotlight always being on me.

I have always been very drawn to large families and a lot of my friends have two or three siblings. My DH is one of four and I love being a part of his family and feeling like I'm finally 'normal' and in the gang! I do find it quite tiring being with the whole extended family group for long periods of time though. I'm definitely quite a quiet person although I wouldn't necessarily say I'm an introvert. I love being around my friends and with my partner and don't particularly enjoy my own company for long periods of time.

I have two daughters who are two years apart. I was absolutely adamant that i would do everything I could to give my eldest a sibling. They have a real love/hate relationship(!) but the loving moments are amazing and when I see them holding hands or giggling together I feel so grateful that they have each other. I appreciate that they may not always be close but I love that they aren't going to grow up alone.

Having said all that, I do think that it's much more common to be an only child these days and that hopefully the stigma and negative connotations aren't what they once were. Good luck with your decision OP!

I was an only child - mum had several miscarriages then my parents' marriage broke down. I absolutely HATED it as a kid. (And as an adult, come to that.) Probably worse because it was the 70's, my mum didn't drive, money was a bit tight, very small extended family, so I felt quite lonely & bored a lot of the time. All my friends had siblings - I was so jealous & longed for one.

My own child is an only - again, not by choice but thanks to mother nature. However, my marriage is great, times are different, we're doing ok financially, we go out of our way to 'compensate', he has lots of friends & our son is happy & absolutely loves it - he's 13yrs old now & reckons he's never felt sad about having no siblings.

I guess it completely depends on your situation & the individual child. Interestingly, my husband is 1 of 3 & reckons he hated that!! 🤷‍♀️

Happy Only.

UPSIDES:

Never felt lonely. Lots of friends and loving and interested parents. Super close to both my parents as a result.

I hate the assumptions about only children - don't know how to share/can't communicate blah blah blah, this is completely opposite to my experience. I have always been very sociable, chatty and found it easy to make friends. I like my own company and consider it a benefit that I am good at entertaining myself and happy to go off and read quietly sometimes.

DOWNSIDES

I see my DC play with eachother and do feel like that might have been a nice thing to have - but i absolutely didn't miss it at the time, and as others have said 'sibling doesn't guarantee friendship'.

My parents both died in the last couple of years. My mum was an only and my Dad was the last of four (all of whom lived abroad anyway) - so there is literally just me left of that 'line'. And my DC obviously. But no other adults and I did find THAT a bit lonely. And still do.

SlightlyJaded. Yes, that knowledge of being the ‘last one’ is odd and a bit lonely. I’ve cousins on my dad’s side of the family but we aren’t close and they don’t feel like my family, just pleasant enough strangers with whom I exchange a Christmas card.

I am an only child, I have a very close relationship with my parents and grandparents (mostly now gone) and at the time, when I was old enough to understand, I absolutely did not want a sibling. Now, I realise I was quite lonely a lot of the time, I would play on my own a lot and rely on my dad to play with me.

I have a DD (2) now and am due my second in August. The concept of siblings is really alien to me but I’m happy my little girl will have a companion. She loves other kids.

I’m an only and loved it. Absolutely loved it. I’d have happily had just one Dc myself, but DH isn’t an only and wanted more.
So we had two. Interestingly, one of my friends (from adulthood) who is also an only, only ever wanted one herself, as she had been very happy as an only too. But she married someone who already had children so she has step children as well as her ‘only’. I wasn’t the only other only in my class - there was another one —but she wasn’t a nice person—.

I grew up in a village, went to the local state school, as did everyone else (no private options even if you’d wanted them). Did lots of clubs outside school (brownies/guides, dance, gymnastics) and at school (choir, orchestra, art). So spent plenty of time with other children. My parents also welcomes me having friends around a lot.

My extended family is also enormous and all lives within a ten mile radius, so lots of first and second cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

I liked being an only as it was relatively quiet at home. I could do things uninterrupted. It wasn’t noisy. We would have board games night every Friday and I’d just play with my parents.

The only thing I think might have helped is if my parents had been willing for me to take a friend on holiday with us. But they never were, saying it was their holiday and they wanted to relax without the responsibility for someone else. But that’s it.

Also, as I’ve grown up (mid 40s), my parents have never put pressure on me to visit any more than I can, or do any more than I can for them. They’re older, but still in good health, so I haven’t been in a caring role or had to make decisions for them/with them. I can see that being harder as time goes on, as I live 250 miles from them now, and have nobody to share that caring role with.

Benefitted me a lot as an only.

My dad was pretty emotionally abusive, both to my mum and me. That wouldn't have been different had I had a sibling.

But my mum and I were and are still very close. And I don't feel I ever suffered socially. Always had friends over whenever I wanted and took friends/cousins on holiday with us.

Financially there was a big benefit as I was able to do pretty much any club or school trip I wanted and didn't need to take a student loan.

I was an only child till 14 and I liked it as I was quite introverted so liked my own company and don't feel like I ve missed out on anything, my half sister came along when I was quite independent so I only really spent time a lot with her as a baby and toddler.
Before DS was born we were thinking of having 2 but now he's here we ve decided he ll be an only child.
I know that I couldn't go through what I did postnatally in the hospital and we ve both agreed that we won't cope with both a toddler and a newborn at the same time and couldn't financially manage a very big age gap.
We feel he's not going to miss out on much by not having a sibling.

I honestly don't see how, if you were a bad parent to one child, you'd somehow be a better parent to three.

And yes, the introvert thing is not an only child thing. I'm one of four and if anything I think it made me even more introverted than I would have been otherwise. Anecdotally, most of the only children I know personally are extroverts.

@Lairyfightzzzz

Of course you don’t see it. You haven’t experienced it. Honestly, respect other people’s experiences and trust me when I say - having two parents who are grieving the second child they’ll never have and therefore focus all their effort, attention, disappointment, insecurity and worry on one child can turn potentially decent parents into pretty terrible ones. That’s why the two issues (what’s an ‘only child thing’ and a ‘parenting thing’) can’t necessarily be separated.

Honestly, respect other people’s experiences and trust me when I say - having two parents who are grieving the second child they’ll never have and therefore focus all their effort, attention, disappointment, insecurity and worry on one child can turn potentially decent parents into pretty terrible ones. That’s why the two issues (what’s an ‘only child thing’ and a ‘parenting thing’) can’t necessarily be separated.

In that case presumably an only child raised by parents who actually had an only by choice wouldn't experience those issues.

I was an only with older parents (not so much by today’s standards, but v much so back in the 70s). They had both died before I got married (although both had early deaths) and their siblings are all dead now too so I have barely any close family.
I was quite lonely as a child and never wanted to have only one child. I have two.
I think if you have a big extended family w close siblings w their own similar-aged children then it’s a better situation.
Obv people have only one child due to a lot of reasons, but if that was me I’d be mindful of giving them all the socialisation opportunities.

Thank you for all your stories, I find this absolutely fascinating and really appreciate people sharing!