To ask for your stories of life as an only child?

[whereisthejoy]

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not? How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers? Would you stop at just one child yourself?

I have an only (2) and no idea if I'm doing the right thing by her. I grew up in a big family and can't even think of any only-child friends so very keen to know others' experiences.

Thanks

@Paleodiet

These days, if I need to solve a problem, my first thought is not to seek help but to work out a solution for myself.

Yes, I also do this.

I was an only, but not through the choice of my parents. I was lonely sometimes, but not that often, because there were girls the same age next door and another at the top of the road. We spent our time playing outside, certainly in the summer. I guess it was a bit lonelier in the winter when we weren’t out so much.

My dad died when I was recently married and my mum came to live with us, which changed and spoiled our relationship. What was difficult, was dealing with things after they’d gone. No sibling to help.

Really appreciate people taking the time to share their experiences. I've just seen this thread posted last night which gives another interesting angle on the same topic (highly recommend mums of one to read it :

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4117853-To-ask-what-your-relationship-with-your-siblings-are-like

It shows how much it can vary - personally it's really good to hear so many positive experiences from only children and it massively helps getting pointers on how to parent an only if this is how we stay!

Due to age (nearly 41) and my own past MH issues, a horrible pregnancy that resulted in a premature baby and that I'm just embarking on a new and very meaningful career (which is hard to manage around one child as it is), for me personally I believe just one is best. It's that damn mum guilt playing up that it may not be best for my DC . Can't wait until corona f*cks off and she can make some little friends!

Only child of older parents, I realise now that’s why they decided not to have any more. They were great parents when I was small, always welcomed my friends into our house and for some reason there were lots of only children in our road. When I got older, as others have said, the spotlight was always on me and it was a bit intense. To be honest, when I married I think I consciously pulled away a bit, which I realise now must have been hurtful.:My mother was a strong character and I wanted to be my own person. I am very affected by arguments with family or friends, I just can’t deal with them as they never happened during my childhood. I am quite needy as i was always being cuddled and told how much they loved me and my DH is far less demonstrative.

My DH is very close to his siblings, I feel lucky to be part of his family and love my SILs and BILs. I wish I had more children, finances dictated that I didn’t have a big family.I loved having a family and my own children are very close as adults. My gc play together happily. I know health, fertility etc mean many people have onlies, but to me it’s not ideal.

I will be honest and say I was a miserable only child. I longed for siblings, well into adulthood - to the extent I used to make them up. But there are many, many variables. I think the reasons I was an unhappy only were:

1. I had no cousins. I was the only child in my entire family. Holidays in particular were incredibly lonely.
2. My father was a violent alcoholic and I was often left alone in his care.
3. My parents saw me as an extension of themselves and the burden of carrying their expectation is, and remains, intense.
4. My parents wanted more but couldn’t have them for medical reasons. It wasn’t a choice for them. So there was always an element of their disappointment.
5. My parents were odd, and deliberately isolated me from things like popular culture - the things that help children to form social bonds. So for example we didn’t have a TV in our house until I was 12, which made me an absolute pariah at the time - I was the only child in the whole school who didn’t have a TV. I think it is hugely important for the parents of only children to make extra effort to help them ‘fit in’.
6. Only children were very unusual then, particularly in my area. Also people were quite prejudiced against only children back then - as PP have said, teachers would talk about ‘typical only child behaviour’.

This article very much reflects my experience of growing up an only child: theweek.com/articles/684148/im-only-child-ill-always-wish-wasnt

But I do think (as I said at the beginning of my post) there are many variables and an only child doesn’t necessarily equal an unhappy child. I also think that being an only child is very different in 2020 to how it was in the 80s or 90s.

I do have older siblings, but the gap is such that we were never close/doing activities together as children. And I didn't have many friends (certainly none locally that just came round and called for me).

My daughter is my only child, but we live in a block of flats where she has one of her best friends just down the walkway, and they are always back and forth to each other's house. And another of her best friends is home educated like my daughter, and we look after her two days a week so her mum can work. So she has much more peer-to-peer interaction than I did, but without the downsides of competing for attention/resources.

So I think the important thing is having a community for her to be part of, not whether any of the children around her are actually related.

I was an only child. I had lots of cousins who were always in and out the house. Cousins had siblings.
Now as adults those cousins and siblings are close, they holiday together, spend Christmases together etc. I rarely get invited as when we grew up we grew apart when we got married. It’s quite lonely as an adult and I feel sad when I see big groups of families abroad on holidays a s so don’t Christmas together. For that reason I had two dc.

I loved it. I was never lonely, I had a great life with my mum and dad. A brother or sister wouldn't have added anything I doubt. I agree with @hopingforonlychild siblings very often feel lonely anyway and/or don't get on with each other. I also know both spoilt and unspoilt siblings and onlies so there really isn't a right or wrong answer.

Haven't read any other posts as can only speak for myself. I hated it.
Holidays were miserable because I would watch other families with siblings having someone to play with in the pool, splash parks etc.
Christmas lonely as fuck because even if we spent time with family, at the end of the day my cousins got to be together but I went home to be on my own with a load of new board games or whatever and no other kids to play with. My parents would play with me but its not the same.
School holidays again painfully dull with no company unless I got sent to the utterly hideous holiday clubs.
I was always with other adults so I ended up like a mini adult, participating in conversation with my parents friends more easily than with my peers.

My parents used to say they only had me so they could afford private school, long haul holidays every year, extra curricular activities for me. In later discussions my mum has said her one regret was making this choice and not having another child.

Consequently I have 4 kids I would never ever have an only child by choice. I don't think humans are made to grow in up such a solitary way.

I was a singleton until my DB was born, a few weeks before my 10th birthday.

It was fine. I learned to read very early (before I went to school) and was never bored all the time there were books to read (this was the 1950s, so no daytime tv). I'd see my cousin and play with her once or twice a week, and once I was at school I had schoolfriends round or went to theirs quite often.

I think it teaches you how to amuse yourself and how to be resilient, tbh. I know a fair few people who have incredibly difficult relationships with siblings, and who resented them when they were growing up, the "golden child" shite etc.

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not?

Growing up was fine. Fortunately there were 4 or 5 other children of the same age who lived on our street, so I always had someone to play with despite being an only. Overall I'm definitely an introvert though and happy to be that way. I loved how quiet our house was compared to those of my friends who had siblings. Can't say there's anything I disliked about being an only.

How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers?

My relationship with my mum is cordial/superficial, but that's more to do with our differing personalities than me being an only child. She absolutely adores DS, who is her only grandchild. I have no relationship with my father and haven't seen him since I was 18 (now 32).

Would you stop at just one child yourself?

Yes, we have DS(2) and won't be having any more, as was always the plan. DH is one of three and not close to either his brother or sister as an adult. In his case, as in many others I know, siblings don't automatically have close relationships or even get along.

Not me but DH. He has had the unusual experience of both. He had an older sister until he was 8, then she tragically died and he became an only.

He was incredibly lonely because shortly after his sister died, his parents sent him to boarding school and moved abroad, to a country where he didn't speak the language. So when he went "home" in holidays he didnt know anyone and couldn't make local friends.

His parents are now nearly 90 and theres no one to share the burden with.

His experience is extreme but he was adamant that we should have more than one.

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty Ahh but thats the thing- when people imagine siblings, they imagine they would get on but thats often not the case. DH was 1 of 4 but he was still lonely.

Also i realized from this pandemic (my second pandemic in my 28 years as I grew up in Singapore during SARS and was also off school and felt lonely) that this wouldn't be the last and there would be many many pandemics after this where we would be in situations of involuntary loneliness due to lockdowns. I live in London and many of my colleagues are separated from their families and siblings as they live faraway, unable to meet for christmas and many unable to meet for months. I myself have no idea when I would see my sister and parents, it has been a year. One of my DH's sisters is in Israel and she would probably not be able to see any of her 3 siblings or mother for at least 3 years; if she did not have a DH, she would be a solitary creature from 2020-2022.

One day, my future DC may be in such a situation, locked down in a big city and unable to meet family. May not be married or have kids so might not have the company. I would like my future DC to have the resilience I feel that I lack despite having gone through SARS as the virus was fairly quickly controlled then. I have read that a lot of adult onlies find the current situation much easier to cope with while i find it unbearably hard despite living with a DH. would probably be suicidal if I was alone. I wish i had the resilience of others.

My dc is an only and I really feel for them atm. I think outside of lockdowns (we are tier 4) it would be ok but because of this situation my only dc is very isolated now. Her school shut early December and we have no idea what is happening with the schools yet.
Outside of covid though, my dc is very sociable. Her only dc ness actually propels her to be good with other dc. She learned very early on if she didn't share she would have no friends and naturally went for the option of having friends. In nearly all of her school reports it's mentioned how sociable and popular she is.
Me and dh are one of 3 dc and not very sociable, indeed nowhere near as specially as our dc so it's nothing to do with us!
we don't really have any family in this country, i think if there were cousins this would be a lot better.

We live rurally which tbh isn't great with an only especially now but it is what it is. I don't know how things will turn out, if I could afford another I would but we can't without massively impacting on our current life.
One other positive note of having an only for us prior to covid was we travelled a lot. Dd has been around the world to places many haven't been because it's very easy to up and leave with one dc. ww have booked long haul flights a couple of days before travelling because we know its going to be simple affair to take the one dc with us. not convinced this would happen with more than one.

Very happy only child! I always think unless you live on a remote desert island you're always surrounded by life your age - at school, neighbourhood etc. So how on earth can you be lonely?

My parents encouraged me in creative pursuits and I also did lots of sport. So hardly noticed I was an only. In fact home was and still is the only place I get peace and quiet.

More importantly, growing up I was never competing for my parents' time or attention (esp as they both worked). Which has made me very secure in myself in adulthood. I wasn't spoiled at all as hard work was the only way to get treats. It also meant my parents had more money to spend on themselves and had more quality time together - which i think has been great for their marriage. And it allowed my mum to keep her career as 2 kids would have meant a lot more child care costs.

I left home at 18 for uni so very quickly learned how to live with others. And I think only kids have an innate confidence and independence, as you learn to be comfortable with yourself. And don't have siblings to hide behind. Also forces you to be more social for the same reason.

Every child is different as is every family but in this day and age where life is tough and competitive, it can be nice for a child to have one place that's easy and they're not competing for anything.

• kids, not life

I hated it and still do. Was wrapped up in cotton wool and as a teenager not allowed to do what teenagers do and due to living i a village of mainly old people and no busses I was dependent on parents to take me places/pick me up so they controlled everything and I had no freedom till I left home at 19. I had no cousins my age my parents didn't mix with other parents so very rarely did I mix outside of school with my peers. Hence I'm very introverted.

As an adult I am now the only one who is there to help them as they get older and due to being so sheltered I struggle to make lasting friends.

On the positive I am a very strong independent adult who is happy on her own .

I made sure though I have 2, they have always mixed with peers and as they've become teenagers they've been given freedom and we live in a house they can be independent of mums taxi in.

Also, my bf is 1 of 5!!! And none of them get on, none. He describes his home life as a war zone. Not the utopia of sharing, caring siblingness you'd hope for.

I was very happy as an only, though I do remember once having a friend to stay and we had a brilliant time in the tent my dad had put up for us in the back garden and crying in complete desolation when she had to leave and saying I wanted a sister! But I loved school and had good friends there so I wasn't generally lonely at all and was and am excellent at making my own entertainment. ("Only boring people are bored" C my mother!) I'm naturally introverted and would imagine that being an only has made that tendency stronger.
What has been really hard, though, is being the only one as parents age. But even here, I have friends made 35 years ago at college and we are all going through similar things, so that helps a lot.

If you're from a big family then it's probably not such a lonely existence for your only child as there will be cousins, aunts, uncles etc. around.

I was quite happy as an only child when I was a child. I struggle with it a lot more now in my late 30s, partly because I've chosen not to have children myself and don't have a partner. I didn't have cousins (my mum is an only child too and dad's sister never married or had children) and generally come from the smallest family you could imagine - I feel really sad to be missing out on everything I hear others talk about from family WhatsApp groups to weddings, birthday parties and just generally having people around. This year has really highlighted it more than anything before because everywhere I turn people are talking about missing their families - and missing what I don't have is a very different feeling...

I experienced more of the positive aspects as a child I think - my parents gave me a lot of their attention, I've always been financially comfortable and I think learning to become independent and do things on my own has been really helpful in general.

I do really wish my parents had made the effort to surround me with more people so I would at least have friends who seem like family if that makes sense... I do struggle with groups of people - but it's hard to know for certain if that's because I missed out on that experience when I was little, or if it would be like that anyway.

As a child, being an only was fine. I had lots of cousins to go on holiday with, see at Xmas etc. Plus our street was full of kids the same age. I was always part of a gang roaming around but was always very glad to get home and have my own space.

It's trickier as an adult as my parents have found it very difficult to 'let go' and allow me to grow up. I'm also mindful of the fact that I'll have no-one to share their care with. (And, yes, I do know that having siblings doesn't guarantee that won't happen. But being an only guarantees that it will)

Saying that though, I've had a few emergency health issues with my dh and dd2. My parents have always been 100% available and helped out a lot. It's a lot simpler that they have no other children/grandchildren to worry about.

I find it odd that people seem to try and diagnose certain 'issues' like social awkwardness, inability to share onto others and also themselves as somehow a product of being an only child. Childhood experience varies so much I'm sure there were far greater other factors at play that contributed to these 'issues' than not having siblings.

I am an only and people often remark how shocked they are to learn this about me (as if I'm somehow meant to be a psychopath and they're shocked I'm not!). However, I grew up ina big city where friends hosues were always close by, lots of playdates, I was very close with my parents but also they worked a lot so I was in lots of daycare, nurseries, summer camps etc from an early age and so interacted with other children (not just in my age bracket) all the time! I don't feel like I'm missing out now as an adult by ot having a close sibling as some people hate their siblings or are not close at all. I am grateful that I learned to value friendships at an early age, and investing in them, and not just relying on family bonds.

Having said that, there is one downside to being an only that I realise now as an adult... my DP is an only too so our children will nto have aunties, uncles or cousins. However, this is not a big deal as I think being only children, we have both learned to fill our lives with meaningful and close friendships and so have so many non-blood 'aunties' and 'uncles'. Family really is what you make it....

I was an only child until I was 10, when my brother was born. It was a very lonely childhood, and I don't have many fond memories of my pre-teen years. I remember riding around on my bike alone for hours around our village, making up stories in my head. I had an imaginary family where I had seven siblings - I can still remember all of their names! The only positive is that I'm now very content in my own company (perhaps a little too much), and can always find ways to entertain myself. My parents were very hands on (although very emotionally distant) and used to play board games and do lots of crafts with me, but I still felt a lot of pressure being the only child in the house as their attention was always 100% focused on me.

I will add that although I get on very well with my brother, we've always been at different stages in our life so have very little in common. As a result, I was desperate to have two children fairly close together.

I hated it.

My df was in the military and I spent my childhood being dragged around Europe. So many new schools mid term not knowing anyone. Their marriage wasn't great, lots of drinking (df), screaming rows and sulking(mum) and I was treated as an adult by them from a very early age. We didn't have a TV because df thought they rotted the brain and although that didn't cause me any issues at school it contributed to my feelings of being different. Out of 8 schools, I was the only person with no siblings in 7 of my classes. I was especially resentful of my mum because she has 4 brothers and is really close to them.

I do have cousins of a similar age but for most of my childhood they were in different countries to me so rarely seen.

I have 2 children.

Annoys me reading this that people are saying it's wrong to base your problems on an upbringing as an only child. Of course it's down to parenting, of course there's other factors, but children do need socialisation and while some may be fine and happy with parents who are involved and loving, others aren't. For me a sibling would have taught me a lot at an important age about learning to be tolerant and understanding of others, something my parents weren't, and as a teenager with an abusive father and parents who had very high expectations and were very critical it would have taken some of the attention off me. Of course it could have been like this with a sibling but how can I know, how can anyone know.
Its an irritating part of Mumsnet that you get some uppity person nitpicking and "I just don't understand why anyone would say this" about posts that are very personal and sometimes painful to talk about. You don't have to agree but the OP has asked for people's experiences, there's no right or wrong, so what's gained from saying it.