To ask for your stories of life as an only child?

[whereisthejoy]

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not? How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers? Would you stop at just one child yourself?

I have an only (2) and no idea if I'm doing the right thing by her. I grew up in a big family and can't even think of any only-child friends so very keen to know others' experiences.

Thanks

I’m an only. I never felt lonely as a child but I did get dumped on people a lot so my parents could carry on their lives as usual. I spent a lot of time with adults. I hate board games as they were never played at home because there was no one to play them with. I did get more presents than non-only friends, and we went abroad more often.

As an adult it’s totally crap. I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. No one else to have my mother for things like Christmas, her total over investment in my children, there will be no one else to help when she needs care/dies. There’s a very good reason I had two children.

merryhollybright

I think you're misunderstanding. It goes both ways. What you've listed in that is bad parenting, not an "only" child thing.

What annoys me more is when people extrapolate their own experiences to think that everyone else must have had the same ones.

I’d be really interested to know, when only children have children, what proportion of them have only children themselves vs what proportion have more than one child. I don’t think there are any empirical studies on it but there seem to be a lot of only children on here saying they made sure they had more than one child.

To add to what I said earlier, and posters talking about being lonely, being an only has forced me to be very sociable and make friends both as a kid and now. I'm probably the instigator of nights out etc (when we can have them) but I am also equally very content with my own company. I think that's a great balance to have.

I also agree that a lot of the issues that have come up in this thread are as a result of parenting and the types of parents people have had, rather than being an only child per se. My mum always encouraged me to make friends and everyone always played in my garden as a child as it was 'the' garden to play in. I'm grateful to her for that and hope to be the same for DS.

Yes, there is the potential for added parental expectation and scrutiny as an only, but again I think this depends on the parents you have and whilst my mum did expect me to do well, I never felt stressed or unhappy about it and, as an adult, I know she's proud of what I've achieved.

My mum is also an only and had a terrible time caring for her own parents who were the type to have strong expectations of what she should do, particularly for them. As a result, sue's vowed to be very different but, if she did end up relying on me for help and care, I have a fantastic DH who cares about her and is very grateful for all the things she's done for us and would therefore be very happy to pitch in.

@Lairyfightzzzz

I think that’s @merryhollybright’s point though - firstly, we’re talking about personal experiences so it isn’t down to other posters to say ‘that’s bad parenting not an only child thing’; and secondly, the two things can be intertwined, because being an only child can make parenting issues considerably harder to deal with - or it can cause bad parenting because of the ‘eggs in one basket’ syndrome.

Speaking personally, I think the fact I was an only child was a significant causative factor in my parents’ poor parenting, and it made dealing with it 100x worse.

Reading people's comments on here, it seems most of the bad experiences come from having had a troubled childhood/poor relationship with parents. I also agree that not having a big extended family can be a problem if you're an only child.

Spent a lot of time on my own but was very social at school etc. I see many families were siblings do not interact at all so I don't think I've missed out on anything if that helps.

Don't really know what to say as I have nothing to compare it with. It was just "normal". I certainly wasn't lonely as a child and I'm still happy with my own company. DW says that I have a streak of intolerance towards others that she thinks having siblings would have knocked out of me though.

I haven’t RtFT so apologies if I am repeating anything here. Im an ‘only’ . Was very happy in my own company as a kid but I did miss having someone to play with on holidays . I think the hardest thing is actually now in later years. My dad died about 20 years ago and it was hard to make sure my mum was ok (we lived at opposite ends of the country for work reasons) as well as look after my own two kids. Then, when she died about 5 years ago, I just felt so alone. Still do in some ways.

Lots of people are putting being introverted down to them being an only. I had a brother who I spent a lot of time with and enjoyed his company, but we're both quite shy and introverted. Both loved reading books and could entertain ourselves alone in our own rooms for hours

I think the fact I was an only child was a significant causative factor in my parents’ poor parenting, and it made dealing with it 100x worse.

I honestly don't see how, if you were a bad parent to one child, you'd somehow be a better parent to three.

And yes, the introvert thing is not an only child thing. I'm one of four and if anything I think it made me even more introverted than I would have been otherwise. Anecdotally, most of the only children I know personally are extroverts.

I am a very happy only. Smashing 70s leftie London parents but raised in an Essex village. Very close to them now and have an only myself.

Just wanted to add my own experience as one of four, all close in age.

I'm on great terms with all three siblings now and have leant on them for some pretty major life events (eg my brother was able to deflect the pressure off me when DF died in terms of 'managing' DM) - although my DH is always my number 1 support. But in terms of daily contact or being really open with them, probably not so much.

I am an introvert (it's not just an only child thing!) and grew up in my older sister's shadow. She hated me 'copying' her and for many years growing up, we hated each other and fought like cat and dog. She's completely different to me, massive extrovert who is huge fun to be around (I always felt inferior) - she has zero filter 😆 she also introduced me to recreational drugs and - unwittingly - an eating disorder that plagued most of my life (she told me she'd tried it, wasn't for her - turns out it was 'for me'). I love her to bits - we aren't in contact loads since she moved halfway across the world - but our relationship is not what I'd want for my own DC.

Mum says I was such a happy baby until my DB was born (he's third) as I seemed to decide he was my responsibility... I was 3. So as much as I love my siblings, I think being part of a large family was a little bit the undoing of me.

My child is a hugely social little extrovert - but covid is stunting this at the moment. I hope she keeps that spirit for when we are out of this mess!

I have thought about this a lot as an only child. I think if the child is wanted and loved and it's a choice of the parents for health, economic, practical reasons then being an only child is fine. If a child is an only child because they were a mistake and it is made known to them and clear that no further children were wanted then it isn't fine.

I had no ally as a child. I was also born in 1960 when comments about only children were rife and not very nice, particularly from teachers. MIL who taught also comments about only children not mixing and sharing. I find that odd because ime only children are far more likely to share and tend not to be grabby because they didn't need to be.

Also depends on the rest of the family as I was an only child of two only children and therefore had no cousins either. It worried me in my 20s that once my parents died I would have nobody in the world. But then I met DH but it is notable that despite struggling to have dc, it made me absolutely determined not to have an only. Personally speaking I also think only children make more effort with friends and keeping in touch because friendships are more important to them although I admit they can be independent and need less affirmation from others.

My mum recently asked me if I missed having siblings as a child. I definitely did. I was shy, struggled to make friends, had to play alone, read a lot. I had a good relationship with my parents, still do, there was never shouting, a very quiet household always. I now have problems when anyone shouts or is loud.

I didn't want my child to be an only child and had three. They are not so close now, but when they were little they always played together.

I was an only and so is my DS. I never missed having siblings but it would have been nice to have shared the stress of my DMs behaviour. I felt lonely occasionally but no more than others. I think being an only forces you to forge friendships and I have very strong ones. Only children are generous because they dont have to share all the time. I think only children are also resilient. I dont think my DS feels like he has missed out although I worry that our family is getting smaller.

I dont think that having siblings means support though. My DF and one of his sisters supported each other but the other one left them to all the care of my DGPs. I have a friend who is one of six and she was left to do it all.

I am introverted and I am one of 3. My DD is about to become a big sister and I'm terrified it's going to be a mistake for her! She is 5 and very extroverted, we make a lot of effort to play with her and socialise too. I am worried more about her not being an only child anymore now!

My DF is an only child. He went to boarding school so had friends around but he says holidays could be lonely and he felt by himself. Overall, I don't think it has been a huge burden except when his DF died, he was left to look after his DM as the 'burden' couldn't be shared between siblings. He felt a huge pressure to care for her and help her with daily life so when she passed away, it was a monumental loss. Losing your mother will always be hard but there was an added dimension of my DF having so much free time and not knowing what to do with it and he became quite depressed. I'm not convinced he is over it although he puts on a brave face and goes to work every day. Not sure how common this is and whilst my DGM remains one of my most favourite people there is no denying that she was extremely demanding. I on the other hand have 2 siblings. They both live abroad and I rarely see them for that reason. We all had our own interests growing up so while we did play together we did a lot apart too.

My DD will grow up as an only child (not through choice). I have a younger sibling but there are several years between us and I was incredibly lonely as a child. From the outside, I was very introverted and lost myself in books and fantasy, and everyone thought I was happy with my own company, but in reality I was a very shy and had no confidence but craved social interaction. I was not allowed to play with other kids on the street or have friends home from school (I wasn’t able to accept invites because my parents felt it would be wrong to without reciprocating) and my (very normal) cousins were seen to be a bad influence. I didn’t have the opportunity to do extracurricular activities. I didn’t really make friends at school, I didn’t really know how to.

So with all that in mind, I was determined to make sure that my DD never felt lonely. And although she is not yet 4, I haven’t done very well so far. She only started to become interested in playing with other kids around the start of the year and then came lockdown.

I was an only child until my sister was born 7 years later. I would love to have remained an only child. I was inventive and played for hours on my own with my dolls or with my imaginary companion. I was closest to my grandmother and spent hours in her house every sunday.

When my sister was born all that changed. From that time she was, and remained, the favoured child. Except with my grandmother who never really took to her. When I reached the age 11 I became gawky and plain, as pre teens often do. My sister was an exceptionally pretty child and all I can remember is seeing her in lovely frilly dresses and white socks. When I began middle school at 11 I was dressed in hand me downs from the market. I was too ashamed to go to school and I ran to my grandmother to show her how my mother had dressed me. My gran said "You cant go to school like that child, You will get laughed at." She took me to the shops and bought me 2 school skirts and two blouses. She also bought me shoes when my mother sent me out with holes in the soles.

As the favoured child my sis soon realised how to use her power. She whinged and snitched and got me many a beating. She was never touched or punished.

When I began work every pound I tipped up for my keep went straight onto my sisters back. No second hand clothes for her. All her school uniforms were neat and new.

I never developed a good relationship with my sibling and to this day we barely speak and live in different cities.

I was an only child. My parents would have loved more children but DM and I both nearly died when I was born and it wasn't sensible for them to have any more.

Perhaps because of this there were always a lot of other children around in my childhood (to the point when a new neighbour was confused as to how many children my parents actually had!)

They often brought my friends or similar aged cousin on holidays with us so I had company. We had friends and family around at weekends. I was never lonely.

But also I have always been more comfortable in my own company than many of my friends with multiple siblings.

I enjoyed spending time with my parents and got to do grown up things like going out for dinner that may have been difficult with younger siblings. I was also allowed to go on a destination holiday with a family friend as a young teen that wouldn't have been possible with siblings.

If I'm being 100% honest then now as an adult I'm perhaps a touch intimidated about caring for my parents if they ended up with long term health conditions without sibling support but I'm lucky that my DH and his family would be there if I needed them.

I can hand on heart say I don't feel that I missed out on anything as a child and I have a wonderful relationship with my parents.

I am an only and it was fine growing up. I was in lots of clubs and always had friends over, as an adult though it is lonely. No family to meet up with at Christmas etc. As my parents get older all the responsibilities are in me with no one to talk to about it. My friends are great but it's not the same

I loved it and have 1 child myself. I had all the love and attention from my parents, had lots of friends, did exceptionally well academically.. All because my parents actually had time and energy not just to keep me fed and dressed but actually raise me.

I’m and only and obviously I don’t know any different but I had a good time. I am very close to my Mum but as an adult the biggest and very significant difference is the financial support I get from my parents. It has made a considerable difference to the choices i have been able to make as an adult.

I think there are many ways to have a happy/unhoopy childhood. I have seen some pretty much abusive sibling relationships and some overly ones 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s not better either way it’s just different, although I’m not sure how different it is really.

Also interestingly, I have quite a few only child friends and we are all very independent adults with multiple degrees who have lived abroad. None of us have the - oooh I must come home for my brothers wedding/ nephews birthday/ sisters hen do situations and that does make me feel quite free. I personally quite like it that way but obviously some people thrive off that. Basically there’s no way of knowing how it will turn out so do what you want?!