To ask for your stories of life as an only child?

[whereisthejoy]

How was growing up, what did you love, what did you not? How is your relationship with your parents/caregivers? Would you stop at just one child yourself?

I have an only (2) and no idea if I'm doing the right thing by her. I grew up in a big family and can't even think of any only-child friends so very keen to know others' experiences.

Thanks

I'm an only. I was never lonely but my parents were very sociable so I always had loads of children to play with as a child.

I do think it does make you more independent.

I did have a difficult relationship with my Mum for many years, but she is quite cold so that didn't help.

My Dads family is quite big and I know of siblings who hate each other and haven't spoken for years so if I'm honest I don't think it matters whether they're an only or have siblings.

We also have experience of that. My DD has 5 only children in her class of 15. Their parents are forever trying to initiate plays after school and sleepovers. And the children are only 6. I don’t mind this (though do feel a bit guilty how often I say no, DD isn’t available to come) but it’s definitely a lot more effort for those parents.

@whereisthejoy loved being an only child OP, still love it as an adult. I had the best opportunities, amazing foreign holidays, loads of friends and cousins at regular play dates, lots of attention from my parents. Wouldn’t change it - my parents fostered children when I was an older teen and I definitely preferred being an only to having siblings around the house.

I’m married to someone who has 4 siblings so our DD has plenty of aunties and uncles to love her and spoil her. DD will be an only too and I have no guilt!

Some of the responses here make me feel really sad for my child as he’s an only but not our choice (secondary infertility)
Me and his dad are very unlikely to split up so no chance of step siblings etc in the future.
However he has two mega sociable parents who love him and each other a lot, our house is always full of people and other kids and we try so so hard to make sure he doesn’t get lonely.
Also try to balance not spoiling him etc too!
I was also best friends with an only growing up and I loved being at her house - as we got older I always went on their family holidays and stuff.
There’s definitely some positives

I am an only child. Have such a close relationship with my parents. Looking back I think there were times when I wish I’d had a sibling and I think going forward into my parents elderly years the support that only a sibling can give will be missed. However, our neighbours when little, my parents’ best friends, were like our extended family. They still are. Not only are they my very best friends but the girls are like sisters and they view me in the same way. We did everything together when little, and still very close now. Christmas Day afternoons/evenings, Boxing Days (we’ve all really missed it this year), holidays, family celebrations....

So I never really felt lonely or isolated when younger.

I have 2 children, with a bang in 2 year age gap. Even though they’re toddlers their relationship is beautiful to watch. It’s the everyday ‘little’ things I guess I missed out on, but then looking back on my childhood I don’t feel I did...

I’m an only child. I hate the stigma that comes with being an only child - being “weak”, unable to share, unable to make friends etc. It’s not my experience at all, or that of other only children I know.

I loved my childhood. I had cousins and plenty of friends. I never really felt bored that I can remember. I was able to entertain myself from a young age. I was also given some fantastic opportunities which may not have happened if I’d had siblings.

And to those who say that they don’t want their only child to grow up alone - my DM barely speaks to her brother at all and thinks they’ll drift apart completely once their mum (my grandmother) dies. DH has two sisters who he isn’t close to at all. (Despite MIL insisting that if we have DC we should have two as it’s “cruel” to have one apparently ) I also have a couple of friends who bitterly hated their sibling(s) during childhood, and have barely any relationship with them now.

Having siblings is no guarantee of a good relationship, either in childhood or adulthood.

I had a perfect childhood. Not so good now I'm 52 and the only family I have is my parents in their 80s and my adult dd.

I had no desire to have more than one, and circumstances wouldn't have allowed more than one anyway.

She's happy being an only.

One is fun!

.

On the flipside of this I grew up In large family and none of us are close in fact it's the opposite there is a ton of resentment we had a disastrous childhood and my parents could not afford to have as many children as they did !! led to all kinds of abuse but mainly physical abuse and my mum definitely had MH issues bought on by stress of having no money and too many kids . I struggle to make friends and really struggle socially these days weather thats to do with the abuse or just really enjoy being on my own after not having my own space or privacy growing up due to so many kids... I think it has alot to do with when I was younger not having to bother with making friends as always had siblings to fall back on now I don't have the social skills that others with less siblings developed .

That said i think two with a close age gap is ideal It breaks my heart to think of my only DC being lonely often feel guilty for having him and not providing a sibling but i can't magic a sibling out of nowhere.

I have an only who will probably remain an only. That is because I wish to retain my sanity and be able to be the best possible mother I can be to him. I know my personal limits and I know I couldn't cope with more than one child. To me it is more important that my son has a well balanced, happy mother than that he has a sibling.

Sibling relationships are very complicated. I'm one of four. I love them all and we're very close but honestly I think I'd have been happier as an only - it is so noisy and chaotic and Mum was always stressed.

It has affected my later life as now I’m very much an introvert and seek my own company much more than the average adult. I’m happiest when on my own and able to decide what I get to do - I struggle for extended periods of time of everyone being all at home at once

Not sure that has anything to do with being an only as that's exactly what I'm like and I'm one of four.

I am an only child and absolutely loved being one in my childhood. I never felt bored and was incredibly close to my parents (and still am as an adult). We did live opposite a family who had a DD my age so I spent lots of time with her and also had a hobby where I made lots of friends and did that twice a week so I was not stuck at home a lot to be able to be bored.

I have a DS and am planning to have another baby simply because I want more than one. I would say the only downside is as an adult my parents are now ageing and it will be my sole responsibility to look after them, which I do worry about sometimes.

I loved - and still love at 30- being an only, although it has downsides. Think the easiest is if I just list. My parents did want more DC, it just didn't happen but I think I'd have hated it.

Pros:

• Money goes further on one child, I went to better schools, had driving lessons paid for etc and I am SO grateful. It's also lovely and peaceful not having to share stuff as a child and I've had support as an adult which I wouldn't have had otherwise.
• Close to my parents, we're a close unit with no barriers up because of siblings.
• I was quite a mature child because I was always with adults. I was able to talk to adults easily etc. It gave me a confidence.
• No one to share with means no one to row with in terms of inheritance/caring for older parents.
• Good with my own company, because I'm used to it, and I'm not phased by doing stuff alone because I'm used to it. It's a life skill.
• There's no guarantee you'll like your siblings or that they'll grow up family minded. See point on sharing.
• Close to friends. They are my siblings. Also a lot of my friends are onlies and we talk about our families & future worries etc and support each other in that way. If not onlies, they're often from families with bigger gaps/more complex relationships.

Cons:

• People assume you're a monster. Not being able to share and not having had to share are not the same thing.
• It's made me a bit of an ambivert. I'm fairly social but I need my down/alone time and I sometimes have to remember to reach out to people.
• Intensity. The spotlight is always on you. I never felt it as a child because I don't have hot house tiger parents but getting them to detach from adult me in terms of thinking they had a say/input was harder. They are still a bit over protective.
• Worry about parents becoming dependent. Mine are determined I won't be burdened as the only, and sibs are no guarantee of support but it's still a daunting worry and you do feel alone. One only friend is still home in his 40s with aged Ps. He does A LOT.
• Make your own family. This might be on me. I'm not from a close family and I'm the youngest by years. I've always been aware that if I want a family I have to make or join one. Dying a lonely old lady does scare me and I probably pressure myself a bit.
• Odd one out. I was bookish and adult sounding. I had friends at school but I wasn't cool and never "fit in" on a wider scale til uni. I was fine but siblings, especially older ones might have helped with that. Interestingly the only sibling I ever imagined myself having or wanting was an older brother. My (male) DP is the eldest of four, make of that what you will!
• Clueless with small children & family hierarchies. You make your own rules anyway but I never grew up with smaller children around so a bit clueless there and the idea of having to split myself between children I love seems overwhelming.

Overall, I've loved it for myself As someone contemplating DC: I would love to have more than one DC- I just feel it and I'm from such a small clan, I need it... but I'm also aware of giving more to a smaller number. Finances win the day.

I was perfectly happy with being an only, didn't have any issues at all amd was never lonely. I spent a lot of time with cousins and played with friends lots but never felt I was missing out at all.
Even now grown up, I don't feel disappointed or regret at not having siblings .

I absolutely loved being an only child but again my experiences will vary wildly to another’s. It’s mostly down to parenting imo with a side of your own personality.

I am very close to my parents. I wouldn’t have enjoyed as much of their time had there been others.

Don’t have to deal with siblings when making parental care decisions/no will issues. (Thankfully not something I’ve had to deal with yet but having watching both my father and my partner deal with some fairly awful siblings it’s become a benefit).

More money to go around e.g. very lavish birthdays and Xmas right through to my 20s.

I’m very confident and love my own company.

My parents’ time isn’t split with anyone else.

I can’t think of any cons, truly. As a kid I had a lot of friends locally so I never felt anything was missing in terms of play.

The bit about the spotlight being all on you is true. My parents were fairly strict and academic expectations were unbelievably high. My mother was a primary school teacher and I still have a very vivid memory of my second 11+ paper which I didn’t manage to finish (didn’t get to the last 5 questions out of 100). When I mentioned that to her, she was visibly frustrated and basically told me off. I will never, ever forget that and feel strongly that it’s something one should never do to one’s child.

My husband has one brother and his parents were unbelievably laid back about academic stuff. Career-wise, he is MUCH more successful than I am because he is a self-starter; he’s realistic and doesn’t panic and put quite so much pressure on himself to get it perfect all the time. I think my perfectionism may have been an inherent part of my personality but certain things my mother in particular did really didn’t help.

I grew up as an only child and loved it - undivided attention, no one to share my stuff with, no one to argue with.

The only time I ever felt it was when we went on holiday - I had no one to play with for a few days until I'd plucked up the courage to approach other children who were already happily playing with their siblings.

As an adult, I think I am more solitary than other people and I don't like sharing.

I was and still am very happy as an only child. I've always been close to my parents, and am happy and successful.

If you ask the same question of children with siblings some will say they loved it, some will say they hated it. There is no universal - do what's right for you

Piglet89

That just sounds like bad parenting to me and not an only child thing. My friend is one of six and her parents are incredibly pushy academically.

@Lairyfightzzzz

That’s true - that example is poor parenting. They were great parents overall, though.

I think the point I’m making is: if a parent is that way inclined, and you’re an only, the focus is ALL on you. Your friend who’s one of six - it’d definitely be worse for them if they were an only child with the same parents. It exacerbates the situation because there’s nothing to distract from your behaviour and achievements.

But yes, I see what you mean. Assuming OP is a balanced parent and not an 11+ achievement-hounder, it’ll all be fine and my anecdotal example should really have no bearing on her decision!

As an only child I found there were benefits and disadvantages. I did sometimes feel lonely and did not like being the focus of constant scrutiny by older, strict parents.

The positives were that I became adept at amusing myself - reading, playing, drawing, model-making etc. I believe my "onlydom" has left a legacy of self-reliance. During lockdown, for example, I coped well with solitude. I like being in sole charge of finances etc.

These days, if I need to solve a problem, my first thought is not to seek help but to work out a solution for myself. I have family and friends and am sociable. I am often alone but rarely have a sense of loneliness.

I have an only BUT her cousins live in the same street. She is 9, my niece is 10 and my nephew 7 so they often rumble as a trio. She does school runs with the cousins, sleepovers, after school play and birthdays / Xmas so for a lot of the time she isn’t only at all!! However Xmas morning we wake up in our own house - me, her and the mad dog and do stockings together and she loves that! She and I do stuff (Covid permitting together) - holidays, days out, swimming, trampolining. I find I have to join in much more than adults with multiple children. Trampolines are no fun on your own!! So I work hard to ether be a big kid or to invite other kids. I love the close relationship of having and only and DD says she is happy and doesn’t like the idea of siblings. If you have an only I personally think it’s on you to bridge that gap for your little kid so that they aren’t always alone!!

This thread is so interesting to read.

Another thing I'll add is I was 'more'of an only because my youngest cousin is 7 years older than me and they live in the USA. I barely saw them
There were no other children in our family at all.
My father focused solely on me definitely,but in the wrong way. I couldnt do anything right at all and I grew up with a huge guilt complex as a result.

We get along okay now but I had to force myself.
I DEFINITELY do not struggle to share. I've always been a 'Give you the shirt off my back' sort rightly or wrongly. I went the other way as a young adult and wanted people around me all the time. I'm an ambivert now
Love and need my time alone and have to wind down after times in company but still seek it out. Odd.

I do sometimes wonder if there is an undercurrent of resentment towards only children because their parents can spend more time/effort/afford more activities/help more with homework. I’ve seen it directed at myself and my DC during primary - DC will have done certain activities/been on trips or whatever on weekends and school holidays and there’s very much an attitude of “well you have time to do that because you only have one child”.