Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

[Dasher789]

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

Poor DH? Why ''poor DH''?

He's not bound and gagged and thrown into the car. OP is perfectly happy for him to go to his mother's but he doesn't bother. He chooses to spend his xmas with OPs family.

All these posters navel gazing about their sons being swept off by evil DILs - give your head a wobble. If you've raised boys who end up prefering to go to their inlaws every xmas or can't be arsed to organise time to see their own family, who's fault would that be?

@Laiste there are posters on here who say that they have always done Christmas in their family and inlaws are welcome to join. It sounds as if in those families the DH side of the family don’t have a lot of choice over Christmas.

Are people who are suggesting that DH goes to his mum’s for Christmas without OP, will they still suggest that if they have children? If they do have children will they be able to go with DH to his family to leave OP to go on her own to her family?

I would suggest the same with kids as well. I’d be delighted if DH took DC off on Christmas Day leaving me to enjoy time with my friends.

DC are happy with family and I get time to relax and enjoy grown up time without constantly having to chase after two small over-excited, children on a sugar high.

I’d suggest alternating with DC going with each parent to their respective parents, then when DC are older they can carry on or decide for themselves what they want to do.

Ineedaholidaynow

DH does have many siblings all with families of their own. They have never invited us for Christmas so the question has not arisen. We live far away from one another and no-one has a big enough house for everyone to stay over so it would involve a hotel which is pretty costly at Christmas.
We see them other times of year. We often go on breaks together in the summer or at Easter. Just not at Christmas.

Why do my family win at Christmas? Because they do it really well.
His family win at summer holidays but they suck at Christmas. No room at the inn, shit food that no-one enjoys cooking and always some stupid argument with someone storming off or being miserable as sin.

Before DH married me he didn't spend Christmas with his family! He once went to Thailand, once to Australia. All I am depriving him of is cheap winter sun not a jolly day with his family as this never existed.

If one of DH's siblings wanted to host and he wanted to go there I would compromise but they don't want to. Similarly if DH felt strongly that he'd love to host his mum and perhaps a sibling here then I'd compromise but there would be 2 conditions 1. He would have to be willing to put the work in and not leave it all to me. 2. He would have to actually positively want and enjoy it and not just feel guilty and obliged.
In actual fact he enjoys his day off adulting too and has no intention of stepping up to hosting so as the person doing the work I decline to offer.

I don't make no contribution to family Christmas at my parents. It is actually a shared effort. We split the budget and each of us hosts one meal. We all share the cleaning up etc. As DP get older I expect we will do more and them less organically over time.

For all the above reasons I say that you don't always have to share Christmas. If it's more important to one family than another then you can make up for it another time
You should make an effort for your kids to know both sets of GP overall but it can equal out over the year.

@Dasher789 it’s amazing you’re so flexible about never spending Christmas Day with your children when they grow up but are not even remotely flexible about doing something different for Christmas Day now as you don’t want to.

I adore my family Christmas. It’s my favourite day of the year - my siblings also love it but we have all accepted that we married into another family and therefore can’t have the Christmas we r always had and love every year. You are incredibly immature.

@Dasher789 I’d feel bad DF would spend Xmas alone and I'd feel sad missing the one day a year I see my family together

But you said above you’d have no issues with your children not spending Christmas with you? Would you not count your future children as your family?

Maybe your husband is sick of the sight of his in-laws every year, does he not get a say?

@Heyahun

And why shouldn’t you be selfish? Life is short - why spend it doing things to don’t want to do 😂

If the man took such a petty attitude to being a family he would get torn apart on here!

I understand where you're coming from but you really should compromise a little bit. Maybe have XMAS with her once in every five years lol does DH have any siblings that you could dilute her with?

Maybe your husband is sick of the sight of his in-laws every year, does he not get a say?

It’s in OP’s starting post:

DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me.

So yes, he does but CHOOSES not to go.

The DH might enjoy it more with his mum if OP leaned in, came along & enjoyed it too. As he does at her family Xmas.

I don't understand why people get so caught up on one day! Christmas is a supposedly a festive period so why does it matter if you see some on a different day? Some countries celebrate on Christmas eve so its not an unusual concept!
Surely you just all celebrate on the day you get together and do the present exchange then? The world isn't going to end if its done on a different day!
We rarely see MIL on Christmas day but that is because she lives nearly 4 hours away and we have to do everything if we go (including buying all the food) she gets drunk and watches old reruns whole the kids are bored. So instead we go up at some point in the festive period for a night and have a nice meal and exchange presents (except this year due to covid) and it works fine.
We sometimes host mine, or just have ourselves depending on what is happening that year but also see mine for a day at some point too.
I hate how people seem to think they have a claim over your presence or feel that they have to do stuff they don't want to because of one day on a bloody calendar!

The DH might enjoy it more with his mum if OP leaned in, came along & enjoyed it too.

But why should OP have to lean in with his mum for him to go visit her? It’s his mother not hers. There is likely a reason he doesn’t go visit his mother on his own and I bet it has nothing to do with OP.

I'd say you were BU if your DP wanted to alternate and you weren't allowing it (MIL is right, that is the fair thing to do) but if your DP is happier at yours I don't see why you should both be miserable just to keep MIL in happy.

When we had children we deemed Christmas Day our day. We spend it together. We've had various people here but none of us really enjoy it, we want to relax and enjoy our day playing with the new toys etc- not feeling responsible for others. Kids are grown now (still at home) and we do the same. Boxing day is Christmas part 2, morning and lunch with inlaws, late afternoon and evening with my family (parents are no longer with us). It works and everyone is happy.

Come on of course you’re being unreasonable. This is what you signed up to when you got married - sharing Christmas. I get it, I struggle with it too but you have no right to make it all about your family every Christmas. It’s selfish and mean.

I was about to say YABU until I read that your OH has never chosen to spend Xmas with his family. Do as you like and let your OH deal with his mother. If he was really bothered about not upsetting her, he'd be spending Xmas with her. In fact, most of these posts involving inlaws could be solved by just letting the OHs get on and deal with all the tricky stuff that comes up with them. That's what I do and it's the best way imo!

So off the back of this thread, I had to ask my DH what he’d do if I decided next year I wanted to stay home instead of racing around like a blue arsed fly trying to get to his mum’s for Christmas Day, then to his dads on Boxing Day. Which is what we do currently (but not this year).

Aaand he looked at me horrified. He asked ‘what about the kids’ I said the older ones could choose, and he was welcome to take our younger ones with him.

He said he would like to discuss it. But I pointed it it’s his family tradition, I politely go along as we’ve been invited. But what would he do if I didn’t want to go along?

Looks to me like he’d not go if I chose to opt out.

Which is utterly ridiculous as this has been his family tradition since he was a teen. And it shouldn’t be my responsibility to make him continue it.

I wouldn’t stop it as it would break my MIL’s heart, but I’m really disconcerted that it appears DH would follow what I chose like a puppy!
This may be due to the fact DH didn’t have a very close relationship with his mum before we had DC. It’s only now since DC that he sees her so much and is close to her.

If you have children, remember that means probably becoming a MIL. How will you react if your children choose never to spend at least a few Christmases with you but always go to the other parents?? Never seeing grandchildren at Christmas? You are being very selfish

YABU
Selfish aswell, what about your DH family.

We did turn about and when DC came along we stayed at home inviting anyone who wish to come

I really hope your husband wakes up and leaves you...my ex bet friend did this and all I can say is what. A. Cow. Who actually can be that selfish. Think of your husband. Of course, if you don't have kids, you. Probably don't understand... But when you do, maybe you would realise that some girl your little boy might meet one day is exactly like you. Your poor husband might not like your family much either but this is going to cause so many problems when kids come along.

Yes YABU, I would much prefer to spend every Xmas with my family but we rotate each year as that’s fair for everyone.

If you have children, remember that means probably becoming a MIL. How will you react if your children choose never to spend at least a few Christmases with you but always go to the other parents?? Never seeing grandchildren at Christmas?

OP answered this already. If people click on the “see all” posts from the OP, the same questions wouldn’t need to be repeated.

Some of you are really laying it on thick with trying to guilt OP about not wanting to spend one specific day with her MIL. OP has already said she would happily do Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, just not Christmas. She has already explained in these posts why. I find it telling how many seem to be ignoring that her husband is choosing not to and has been given the choice for years to go spend Christmas with his mother and has not done so. MIL isn’t sitting somewhere alone on Christmas. She spends Christmas with her daughter’s family and other family members who mainly live nearby. OP’s side live farther away from each other and only come for Christmas Day before heading home.

If OP and her husband decided to host MIL for Christmas, how do you think MIL’s daughter is going to feel about it since she has spent Christmas with her mum for years? OP’s husband could easily go without OP, but doesn’t, yet those wanting to call OP selfish have yet to question why without trying to put the fault on OP?

If you’re going to fault OP for not pushing her husband to go visit his own mother, then maybe you should fault his mother for having a son who isn’t bothered about seeing her on Christmas?

I don’t think you are unreasonable. It seems like lots of miserable women on this thread who have been so nasty about you are probably depressed at having to spend time at the IL over Xmas when they hate it. Spend Christmas however you want to. No glory in being a martyr ladies. 😁

Me and my family host his parents xmas day and my family boxing day. Could you not visit them boxing day/new year. Seems unfair it's all about you and your side of the family when xmas is all about spending time with family and loved ones