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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

275 replies

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 05:57

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/12/2020 23:42

You can go into all sorts of convoluted reasons but Yabu.
My middle Dd is 23 and has lived away from home for 4 years. She loves Christmas with us but alternates with her partners family because that it fair. In return her partner takes no nonsense from his mum the years they don't go because it's fair so no debate.
No pressure from us. If they just wanted to stay home or go lie on a beach fine by us!

Original poster
Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 23:44

MIL lives just under 90 miles away from DH and I so we can't really pop over. We are 5 mins walk from my DM. MIL, SIL, her DH and kids and MIL sister all live within 15 miles of each other. If they lived local of course I'd pop in but on a clear road its 1.5hrs each way so it just makes more sense to go for a full day the day after or whenever is convenient.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 23:55

Happy to accept you think i am being UR but I don't think its convoluted to say I'd feel bad DF would spend Xmas alone and I'd feel sad missing the one day a year I see my family together because they live hundreds of miles away if I went to SIL's/MIL's for Xmas.

My siblings live abroad. MIL has SIL and GC. DM could go to her families but DF was an only child and I'm his only family in the UK.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 28/12/2020 23:56

I think it's up to your DH. If he thinks it's a problem, then he should spend the day with his DM. And you've been fair and open to say that he's welcome to do that.

However, I do feel sad for your DMIL. She must feel second best. You are able to see your
DM very frequently, but won't make a sacrifice to visit her on Christmas Day. You're perfectly within your rights, you are not being unreasonable. But it's sad for MIL.

And I'm sure she's thinking of what will happen if/when DC come along, she'll always come second.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 29/12/2020 02:02

YANBU OP.

Porridgeoat · 29/12/2020 02:08

It’s fine. See your family Xmas day. Then have a repeat Xmas day with DHs family

CuppaZa · 29/12/2020 02:31

YABVU. Don’t be so self absorbed

SoundWithoutAName · 29/12/2020 03:36

Yanbu OP if your Dh wants to spend Christmas with your family then that is his choice. I wouldn't spend Christmas with my in laws for all the money in the world. They live within walking distance and I could count on one hand the number of times they've visited the whole time we have been together. My family travel from all over the UK for us to spend Xmas together. Often it is the only time throughout the year we see each other. I wouldn't give that up for someone who can't be bothered to walk for 10 minutes to visit us. I will continue to spend Christmas with my family, DH will join us sometimes and other times he spends it with his family others. It's not an issue.

Yeahnahmum · 29/12/2020 04:40

Yanbu. Even your partner prefers your family over his own. That says a lot 😅.

choli · 29/12/2020 04:55

It’s fine. See your family Xmas day. Then have a repeat Xmas day with DHs family
Or the other way around. I'm sure nobody would mind, would they? Oh, not so much.

tillytown · 29/12/2020 05:27

Yanbu and you aren't selfish. You are encouraging your husband to go but he doesn't want to, so why should you be forced to go?

Imapotato · 29/12/2020 07:53

YABU and pretty selfish too. Your DH is her son and she is being totally reasonable to want to spend the odd Christmas with him!
Once you have kids she’ll want to also spend the occasional Christmas with her grandchildren too.

You need to suck it up and start to think of other people’s feelings. It’s called being an adult. Imagine how you’d feel if one of your (possible future) DCs Wife never allowed them to spend Christmas with you Hmm

PrincessBuggerPants · 29/12/2020 08:01

Yabu to not even try it with them. If you knew MIL was awful at Christmas, that is fair enough. But you haven't even tried.

iguanadonna · 29/12/2020 08:08

Yanbu at all. MiL wants to see her son, not you. This is between them.

The Xmas day with one lot, Boxing Day with the others is an excellent solution. The fact that MiL rejects it is a flag for her just being out to whinge.

I wish I'd had the sense to be firm about what I wanted all those years ago before children. Though tbf before my SiLs and I started having children, MiL and PiL were less batshit.

Popcorntoes · 29/12/2020 08:35

Why would your dad be totally alone if you don't go? Wouldn't the usual day just go ahead without you?

I'm afraid you are still in the 'child zone' at Christmas- where its an unremittingly lovely day for you and someone else hosts and you feel like everyone is aligned and having a great time. If your DM hosts your DF when they are no longer together, I guarantee it's bittersweet for them. Your other siblings aren't there so your DM probably misses them.

Christmas is a time of heightened emotion when people put themselves out for others, usually the younger and the older generations.

You are still the child of your family. Start moving towards an adult position and let your parents and MIL have something different at Christmas, gradually. For example could you take your DF to SILs house if you're so sure he would be alone otherwise?

One day your DM won't be there, or won't be up to it. Then you and DH shoulder the burden of the responsible family Christmas. Maybe that day isn't yet but you both should do a bit of practising.

Yokey · 29/12/2020 08:48

Given all your follow up posts, yanbu. What you say makes sense. We alternate because it's simple, but we'll always spend boxing day with whoever we didn't spend Christmas day with, and like you say, it's just as much of a celebration and we have presents, food etc. Second Christmas.

Keep doing whatever makes you and your DH happy. As long as mil isn't on her own and does get to spend time with you, it's pedantic to get caught up on which day you see her.

Divebar · 29/12/2020 08:54

What do you contribute to Christmas other than turning up? Do you cook anything or bring anything with you? Hosting Christmas is actually quite a lot of work so maybe you
should think about doing it one year and give your parents a break. Other than that your OP is essentially “ I don’t want to so why should I “. I bet you complain about your presents too.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 29/12/2020 09:02

Is it so bad to be in 'child mode' at Christmas? I have to be in adult mode every other day of the year. I love Christmas and I love a day off adulting. My parents love to host and love to have their family come.

We've spent Christmas with my parents the last 7 or 8 years (used to alternate earlier in our relationship) because it is a hell of a lot nicer. Both of us enjoy it way more. The kids enjoy being with their cousins. DH loves the food, the beautiful setting and good company too.

The times I went to MIL's I absolutely hated for various reasons ( horrible accommodation, she's a terrible cook, family arguments). The times I hosted here I'm sure were lovely for her but shit for me and the kids who missed our big family Christmas.

So I stopped offering
MIL has 4 other children besides DH so she is not short of an invite. She has millions of other grandchildren to see at Christmas. FIL spends it with his new partner and her family.
No-one misses out.

DH occasionally says he feels guilty if he doesn't take his turn to host his mum. For me that isn't a good enough reason to give up a really special family occasion that I enjoy.
We have compromised on having MiL at New Year and I will be holding out to keep that arrangement as long as humanly possible.

I don't really understand why fairness is the be all and end all in this scenario.

If you want your kids to spend Christmas with you when they grow up then I guess you make them want to....

Jeremyironseverything · 29/12/2020 09:09

I agree with you op, that this sounds the best way going forward. You just have two xmases.

We split the day and used to alternate the morning and evening part so the gp's could see the kids opening Santa presents, but it was complicated and naturally fell into a pattern. My parents technically "lose out" but we save "our" presents till later and it's fine.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 29/12/2020 09:10

My family Christmas has been 'handed down' over generations. When I was a child my granny used to host and then it seamlessly passed to my parents at some point. These days Dsis and I do more helping and one day it will pass to us. Any in laws who want to join us are welcome.
My in laws just don't have anything so attractive as they are divorced and cannot fit the whole family in one house/ don't get on so wouldn't want to.

Popcorntoes · 29/12/2020 10:45

Is it so bad to be in 'child mode' at Christmas? I have to be in adult mode every other day of the year

It isn't bad as such, it just makes me think wow, you haven't really lived yet. There's a whole world of dealing with ageing relatives to come. So someone saying they want Christmas their own lovely way sounds to me like an 18 year old complaining about having to do their own washing or something... kind of cute, but essentially acknowledging they have a luxury that they don't even know they have.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/12/2020 10:51

@CovoidOfAllHumanity who makes your family in charge of Christmas. If your partner has a sibling that would like to host Christmas would you go or say that you need to go to your parents.

LittleBearPad · 29/12/2020 10:58

Things change as you grow up OP. Time to be a bit fairer.

ZenNudist · 29/12/2020 10:59

YABU. Your poor dh you sound really selfish.

frazzledasarock · 29/12/2020 11:16

Why poor husband?

He doesn’t want to go to his mother/sister for Christmas. He has the option and the free will to do so. But he doesn’t want to.