Don't want to spend Xmas with IL's AIBU

[Dasher789]

Every year i visit DM for Christmas with my side of the family. DH has joined for the last 4 or so years. MIL is not particularly happy with this and often suggests that DH and i should host and invite my side +her. She also keeps says she expects us to start, alternating when/if we have DC ("it would be totally selfish not to"). It might be daft but I love having xmas with my family and I don't see myself ever wanting to have it with her. DH +I don't have space to host and have little desire to. I could invite MIL along to DM but she would need to stay over at my house after and I don't really like her all that much so it would somewhat dampen the day. There has been no big fall out but she just isn't my cup of tea (overbearing, snide, very nosey). Happy to see her as needed during the year and happy to go to hers if she wants to host any day after Xmas but I don't want to host her or spend Xmas day at hers/SIL's. DH feels bad when MIL is moaning that she doesn't see him on Xmas day - i do understand she feels put out and have said to DH that if he wants to spend Xmas with his family and not mine it is no problem to me. DH also prefers Xmas with my family though (more laid back, less judgey and fun ). I appreciate it is selfish to put myself 1st every year but I feel like I do a lot for others throughout the year and its 1 day I do what I enjoy.

AIB completely U?

[quote Lookslikerainted]@TitsOot4Xmas

Ah I see the “cool mums” are out in force.[/quote]
@Lookslikerainted

Huh? Just saying the world won’t actually end. And if you read my other posts (as prompted) you’ll see that visiting the ILs in December is actually harmful for my DC, hence we don’t. But even so, the world is still very much okay despite that.

Have you answered how you would feel if you have children and they only ever had Christmas with their ILs and not you?

100% unreasonable. He has a family too and they should be treated equally. So start alternating years or develop a Christmas Eve / Christmas Day division, but stop being selfish.

I can't imagine not spending Christmas with my parents, it would feel so wrong. Our first year married we went to my in-laws on Christmas morning for a couple of hours then to my parents (we live in the same town as my parents, my in laws lived an hour away). I can't remember what we did the next 2 years, I think maybe went to my inlaws on Christmas Eve. Then they moved abroad but after a couple of years, MiL passed away and FIL moved to the town we live in, so now we always host and have him as well as my parents. This year we didn't host though, we just visited him and my parents.

100% unreasonable. He has a family too and they should be treated equally. So start alternating years or develop a Christmas Eve / Christmas Day division, but stop being selfish.

Yes, why should either of them get to enjoy Christmas Day? Neither of them want to spend it with OP's MIL.

YANBU OP. It has been a shitty year, why would you go out of your way to have a spoiled day with a sour woman when even her own son does not want to see her?
I do assume you did not completely crush his spirits and that he is more than able to organize a visit to his mom like a big boy if he wants to.

Surely the DH should have a say. Does he want to spend time with his DM?

It sounds, OP, that this tradition of spending Christmas day together despite the divorce is symbolic in a number of ways and perhaps changing this would feel uncomfortably like splitting the family and bring up feelings about the divorce. I think it's a bit churlish towards your in laws. But it's up to you and dh ultimately.

Can you not spend xmas day with your parents and have another xmas day with your in laws on boxing day then vice versa the next year and maybe every 3rd year spend it just you husband etc? It's easily worked out. Something for everyone.

YA being massively U.

As a mother of sons, its stuff like this that makes me feel despair and sadness for when my boys grow up. Hopefully they will grow a pair unlike your DH and will insist on alternate christmasses as it right and fair.

@Vehivle

YA being massively U.

As a mother of sons, its stuff like this that makes me feel despair and sadness for when my boys grow up. Hopefully they will grow a pair unlike your DH and will insist on alternate christmasses as it right and fair.

Or alternatively each family gets their own Xmas weekend during December and they spend Xmas how they want to. It’s not compulsory to only celebrate on 25th December.

DH and I spend every Christmas with my family, and have done for many years now. Hasn't changed now we have DC and it won't do. We both don't particularly like MIL (her own doing, trust me), and their Christmases are, in all honesty, a lot less enjoyable than my family's are. Noone can or should force you to do anything you don't want to do, and it's not selfish to put your own comfort and feelings before other people's on one day a year. Not everything has to be 100% "even and fair" all the time.

Only read the first page and what a stupid thread. The DH (a fully grown adult!) chooses not go to see his Mum for Christmas and the OP is gettting blamed for it! NOPE.

His Mum is his responsibility not the OPs, stop making up shite that the OP is being unreasonable. This is all on his shoulders and not hers.

Does the DH really prefer to be with his ILs or is he simply choosing to be where his wife is? Either could be true.
Likewise, is the mil really terrible or is it just that the OP isn't keen on her?
So far, all we really know about the mil is that she'd like to see her son and grandchildren at Christmas sometimes and that she has made suggestions for how to do this without excluding OPs mum.

But MIL hasn’t actually invited the OP for Christmas. What she has said is that the OP & DH should host her. Not the same thing at all!

Also, although MIL has graciously said OP could also host her parents at the same time as MIL, I suspect that this would be an awkward dynamic as OPs parents are divorced.

@TitsOot4Xmas

Sorry I read that as 11. Christmases without DD.

@ineedaholidaynow

Have you answered how you would feel if you have children and they only ever had Christmas with their ILs and not you?

If I had DC and they went to IL every year but saw me on another day over the Xmas period, I wouldn't mind. Growing up, we had xmas day with DM side and day after with DF side. the two days of celebrations were equally great. We all looked forward to them both equally and never alternated who took which day. Both days were celebrated as though it were xmas that particular day. If I celebrate my birthday 5 days late because it falls midweek, it doesn't mean my birthday has been ruined. I don't get the fixation on the 25th. As I say, I could potentially ask my family to do our thing on one of the following days and give MIL 25th but it will be more of an inconvenience due to the long distance travel on my families side.

For past few years we have been visiting MIL and DH side of the family usually on 27th (not this year due to restrictions and being in different tier zones). Because they all live relatively close, we get to see them all and have a proper 2nd xmas. If we missed xmas day with my family we wouldn't be able to do that because we don't all live in the one area so people can't just pop back when its 4 hours drive away.

I think it is up to OP's DH to say something if he is unhappy with the arrangement.

YANBU at all, as you’ve told DH you’d be happy for him to go to MIL or SIL.

Who hosts for MIL, does she do it herself or does SIL host? Has she ever invited you and DH for Christmas? If MIL never hosts she’s a CF telling you and DH to host!

But you have said in your opening post that you don't want to spend Xmas Day with you MIL and you want to do what you want to do, but in your later post you don't get the fixation on 25th, but you want to spend the 25th with your family.

This year we did Christmas on Boxing Day. I would hope that next year they will come to us but only if they want to. I would never demand it or want them to come to us out of duty. Luckily my DIL is lovely and reasonable and while she is very close to her own mum she loves my son and granddaughter and maybe us too. When they have space they will host us all together. I would also be happy to host both sides but the restrictions this year just didn't allow it.

@coldwaterfeed

YANBU at all, as you’ve told DH you’d be happy for him to go to MIL or SIL.

Who hosts for MIL, does she do it herself or does SIL host? Has she ever invited you and DH for Christmas? If MIL never hosts she’s a CF telling you and DH to host!

SIL hosts MIL on xmas day along with BIL's parents, MIL's unmarried sister and SIL DC. DH and i go to DM where there is my parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. None of us have kids. The only reason its more difficult for me to ask DM to move the celebrations to another date is my family live all over the UK. Everyone is off work so travels over for the night. Also my DF would likely be on his own on xmas day as he has no family other than me and my siblings who live abroad and don't come back every year. I suppose its not the end of the world if we were having a meal a few days later but I just don't understand why MIL would want to put out so many people and see my DF potentially alone for the day when it doesn't have to be like that.

Also, DH and I have never explicitly been invited to SIL's on xmas day. We haven't been told we can't come, there has just never been a conversation. I have always just gone to DM and then DH started coming. When MIL started moaning, I said to DH to go to SIL if he wanted. SIL may not even have the space. If DH and I did follow MIL advice and host, it would be even more of a nightmare as we do not have the space to host my family and DH family. We could host my parents and MIL for a meal but we don't have a spare room so someone could take the sofa and someone would need to stay with my DM. But that leaves out MIL's sister who would then be left out or have to go to SIL's or mine. If she came to mine, she would need to stay with my DM too. My DM met her once at our wedding and a couple of meals but doesn't know her so its a bit of a cheek to dump this all on my DM especially if it was to become an annual or bi annual event. I would hope that I'd be able to catch my cousins etc before they left the next day and we would still need to see SIL and her kids at some point. It just seems to make it overly complicated for no reason.

YANBU, he can visit his parents snd you can go to yours. That's fair.

I can understand where your coming from as i have never spent xmas dinner with mil but we always see them on xmas day they have dinner with bil every year except one when they came to us for dinner but they come to ours or we go there every xmas evening play games have a laugh or sometimes just watch tv together as others have said one day if you have dc and they decide to spend it with their partners family how would you feel whilst they are not your blood family they are your family they come with your dp and like it or not you will be a part of their lives and they will be part of yours. Life is to short imo and you get what you sew.

I think its good your mil thinks enough of you to approach the subject and not sit there stewing and being upset.

Imo you are being unreasonable and one day the door maybe closed when you need it the most.
Dont get me wrong my mil can be awkward in many ways and not always the easiest but shes my inherited mother if it wasnt for her i wouldnt have my dp and for that i will always love her and be grateful for her.

Whilst she may not be your cup of tea its 1 day for you but could make her whole year planning you coming around even if its for a couple of hours on the evening make a quiz play some games anything but those memories will last a lifetime for both of you and would you really like to be on the other end of this situation if you were how would you like the other person to react?