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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my DM helped herself to nearly all the chocolates?

306 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 27/12/2020 19:09

My PILs gave DH and me a big tub of heroes for Christmas - we opened them last Sunday, but hadn’t got through that many- I’d had a couple of the fudge and eclair ones, DH had had a few, but we hadn’t made much of a dent in them. There was probably 80% left.

My DM, who is extremely hard work at the best of times (and who, incidentally, is type 2 diabetic and paid a small fortune for hypnotherapy to cure her of her “chocolate addiction” 18 months ago), came to us on Christmas Eve, bringing with her a big tin of Quality Street that I ended up giving to the bloke who voluntarily drove here at 3am Christmas morning to pick up the prescription for all her meds that she left at home, as a gesture of thanks (that’s a whole other fucking saga).

We took her home today, when we got back I opened the tub of heroes, thinking I would love a crunchie, to find it virtually empty- a few dairy milks and double deckers are all that remain. I knew Mum had had a few (she talked about the “guilty secrets” in the bin in her room that she tried to hide, which turned out to be wrappers) but I hadn’t realised she’d scarfed nearly the whole tub. I asked her about it, and among her responses were “Alcohol is far worse than chocolate!”, “Oh poor you! There wasn’t any Twirls either!” “I did buy you a big box of chocolates, so not thoughtless. But then you gave them away!!”

She’s got through more in 3 days than DH and me put together in a week, and apparently she’s not even sorry. AIBU to think that’s a bit bloody rude?

OP posts:
Iamthewombat · 29/12/2020 12:14

She’s your guest, let her eat the chocolates without making her feel bad.

Now that we know that the OP and her husband went first to the hospital, then to the pharmacy, on Christmas Day to collect the mother’s meds, whilst the mother sat at home in comfort and scoffed 80% of the chocolates intended for sharing, hiding the wrappers afterwards, would you like to revise your view on whether the OP’s mother should perhaps feel bad?

How about when you consider that the whole circus was caused by the OP’s mother’s diabetes, which she isn’t managing, and the OP’s mother having forgotten her repeat prescription (but not her tin of Quality Street!), which is why the kind receptionist came to the OP’s house with the prescription at 3 am on Christmas morning?

I’ve seen no evidence in the OP’s posts suggesting that she set out to “make her mother feel bad”. She asked whether she was unreasonable to be annoyed at her mother’s behaviour. She was not.

LittleTiger007 · 29/12/2020 12:24

If it mattered that much then you should have put the chocolates away in a cupboard. Otherwise they were there for guests to enjoy - that’s what hosting over Christmas is all about OP.

Smallgoon · 29/12/2020 12:59

CeibaTree

You sound more annoyed about the chocolates than concerned for her health so I think her being diabetic is a bit of a red herring. Honestly OP if this is the worst thing that’s happened over the Christmas period then you’ve had it pretty good! I could understand more if they were rococo chocolates or some other fancier ones than heroes..

Agreed! in the original post there was certainly no concern for the mother’s health just the rudeness of het eating the tub of heros, it’s only when posters are not agreeing that the OP switches it to a concern for her health!

Yup... Seems OP changed tact when told that she was being stingy, and switched the attn to mum's diabetes. If you cared that much about your mum's diabetes, you wouldn't have chocs/sugar on display when she visits, in the same way it's inconsiderate to drink alcohol in in front of alcoholics.

My mum's type 2 diabetes, we keep sugary treats away from her, otherwise it's just temptation for her and she will indulge.

Iamthewombat · 29/12/2020 13:23

Yup... Seems OP changed tact when told that she was being stingy, and switched the attn to mum's diabetes.

Changed tack. Tack. Not tact. You’re determined to give the OP a good kicking, aren’t you? Try to do so in English.

hansgrueber · 29/12/2020 13:33

She put the wrappers in the bedroom bin? For this alone she deserves a medal, I keep finding Celebrations wrappers all over the house, thanks grandchildren!

Biffbaff · 29/12/2020 13:41

Not really sure why people keep advising she makes a new thread. The details are here in this one, just read it, people. For all the people who are so triggered by someone complaining about their mother, perhaps this isn't the thread for you? It's quite clearly not just about the chocolate or the price of the chocolate either but the fact the woman isn't taking responsibility for herself - people are happy to get mad about this in other contexts e.g. Covid guidance. Not sure why people are so happy to minimise this just because it's Christmas, it's a mother and it's chocolate - to this person it's not healthy or advisable and takes the piss quite frankly!

OccasionalNameChange · 29/12/2020 13:47

@Smallgoon

CeibaTree

You sound more annoyed about the chocolates than concerned for her health so I think her being diabetic is a bit of a red herring. Honestly OP if this is the worst thing that’s happened over the Christmas period then you’ve had it pretty good! I could understand more if they were rococo chocolates or some other fancier ones than heroes..

Agreed! in the original post there was certainly no concern for the mother’s health just the rudeness of het eating the tub of heros, it’s only when posters are not agreeing that the OP switches it to a concern for her health!

Yup... Seems OP changed tact when told that she was being stingy, and switched the attn to mum's diabetes. If you cared that much about your mum's diabetes, you wouldn't have chocs/sugar on display when she visits, in the same way it's inconsiderate to drink alcohol in in front of alcoholics.

My mum's type 2 diabetes, we keep sugary treats away from her, otherwise it's just temptation for her and she will indulge.

The diabetes and her mum being hard work features quite heavily in the OP. Then in her second post she makes it clear she's worried,stress and this was a last straw situation. There was no change of tack, just a mini rant over something small that hid a much bigger issue.

Like many ,many other threads on here.

MariaK91 · 29/12/2020 13:48

I can see why that would irk you but tbh just let it go. Treat yourself to some nice chocolates and hide them from her!

Wheresmykimchi · 29/12/2020 14:24

@Iamthewombat

Yup... Seems OP changed tact when told that she was being stingy, and switched the attn to mum's diabetes.

Changed tack. Tack. Not tact. You’re determined to give the OP a good kicking, aren’t you? Try to do so in English.

I always thought it was tact. As in tactic.
Dailyhandtowelwash · 29/12/2020 14:38

Tack. It’s a nautical term - to change tack means to change the direction of sail.

OP, you have all my sympathies. My FiL also wilfully ignores all health advice while preserving his rights to spoil his own life and ours with the consequences. If I’d spent my Christmas Eve and Day running around to sort out medication for him and come home to find he’d been undermining himself even further I’d be livid.

Wheresmykimchi · 29/12/2020 15:40

@Dailyhandtowelwash

Tack. It’s a nautical term - to change tack means to change the direction of sail.

OP, you have all my sympathies. My FiL also wilfully ignores all health advice while preserving his rights to spoil his own life and ours with the consequences. If I’d spent my Christmas Eve and Day running around to sort out medication for him and come home to find he’d been undermining himself even further I’d be livid.

No way 🤯
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 15:44

No way 🤯

Yes way. Tact is not short for tactics anyway.

Tact means basically diplomacy.

Dogman · 29/12/2020 15:47

I think you’re mother has been a pain in the arse beginning to end of her visit and you are focussing on this one thing. Maybe not completely reasonable but understandable.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable re the lovely man who helped with the prescription - that was a huge favour and really deserved quality street and a blow job.

phoenixrosehere · 29/12/2020 15:47

I’ve seen no evidence in the OP’s posts suggesting that she set out to “make her mother feel bad”. She asked whether she was unreasonable to be annoyed at her mother’s behaviour. She was not.

This.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 29/12/2020 15:53

@AngeloMysterioso. YANBU. I feel this is not just about the chocolates, but about DM being a bit difficult generally, and cocking up her medication causing stress on christmas day, when as an adult she should have had the meds sorted already. Is it the straw that broke the camel's back?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 29/12/2020 16:05

My DM...... paid a small fortune for hypnotherapy to cure her of her “chocolate addiction”

I wonder how responses would have differed if your Mother had paid for treatment for alcohol addiction and you were complaining that she's drunk all the wine and spirits you's left lying around?

Bumblebee1980a · 29/12/2020 16:18

I wouldn't give a monkeys. It's a tub of chocolates 🙄 and it's Christmas.

Wheresmykimchi · 29/12/2020 17:16

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

No way 🤯

Yes way. Tact is not short for tactics anyway.

Tact means basically diplomacy.

I know what tact means.

But you get tactics.

I am genuinely mind blown Grin

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/12/2020 17:21

@Wheresmykimchi tbh I don't blame you. I knew the expression, but didn't know why so looked into it. Only half mind blown Grin

Wheresmykimchi · 29/12/2020 17:50

[quote AccidentallyOnPurpose]@Wheresmykimchi tbh I don't blame you. I knew the expression, but didn't know why so looked into it. Only half mind blown Grin[/quote]
Smile well you learn something new every day! Also learned very recently that it's another think coming and not another thing!

Bumblebee1980a · 30/12/2020 08:42

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

My DM...... paid a small fortune for hypnotherapy to cure her of her “chocolate addiction”

I wonder how responses would have differed if your Mother had paid for treatment for alcohol addiction and you were complaining that she's drunk all the wine and spirits you's left lying around?

But it's not alcohol is it. It's a tub of chocolates.
GnomeDePlume · 30/12/2020 14:50

It's a tub of chocolates.

Yes, but for someone with T2 Diabetes which is now needing insulin to control it it is not just a tub of chocolates. Uncontrolled diabetes can lead to complications:

  • eye problems which can lead to blindness
  • foot problems which can lead to amputations
  • blood vessel problems which can lead to heart attack and stroke
  • kidney problems
coldwaterfeed · 30/12/2020 14:52

T2 Diabetes

This would have been a good sequel - Terminator 2: Diabetes.

Godimabitch · 30/12/2020 15:01

It's not about how much the chocolates cost. It's the greed and selfishness. Not thinking that anyone else might want some. Not thinking that someone might not want to drive about at 3am because she forgot her meds. meds are pretty important, they're a thing that you would absolutely make sure you had, remembered chocolates but forgot medication. Then sat around while everyone ran round after her fixing it for her. Didn't think to thank the poor man, OP had to suggest it. Clearly didn't thank OP for spending Christmas running round getting them for her. And didn't even think that she might want some chocolate when she'd done? But hey OP, dont be selfish, you're doing all chirstmas dinner and hosting and driven her home, since she's being so kind as to let you do that, she's also entitled to eat anything she wants.

Madamum18 · 30/12/2020 17:54

Well her behaviour was thoughtless. At the same I suspect that she thought giving away the chocolates that she brought you was also unkind. Did you discuss that with her or just do it? I know you felt the bloke deserved a present but really it should have been your Mum doing that.

Several things strike me that it might be worth considering:

  1. Are you in the habit of "compensating" for your mothers behaviour, to others? If so why? She is an adult!
  1. Do you treat your Mum a bit like "another child" dealing with her problems and letting her "get away!" with problems that she causes because you sort everything out?
  1. Have you ever said clearly to your mum the facts about her diabetes and the misapprehensions that she is under in her approach? And that if she persists in this approach, you will ofcourse always be there but you cannot sort out every problem and she needs to think about what she is doing to her self because it will only get worse?
  2. Told her that clearly her addiction to chocolate support didn't help and has she considered further support? ie some sort of gradual reduction style support which are often more effective and allow for not a complete ban
  1. Does she often do things like forget all her medicines etc? How does she manage in her home? Is she usually as unwilling to accept any responsibility or apologise? if any of these are a change in her normal behaviour it might be worth considering if she has memory problems or check re getting more confused etc.

All of the above said kindly and supportively with lots of listening and understanding to see if you can get her to start being really honest about what is going on

I hope you can sort things out Flowers

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