Told by MIL her Christmas was ruined

[W33ble]

So we had a tough morning on Xmas morning. Brother in law telephones us. Their whole family has woken up with a cold symptoms, sore throat and muscle aches with fatigue. Their toddler full of cold, possible temperature and rang us for advice about what to do as their mother was meant to be going for Xmas day dinner later at their house.

A bit of background I’m a nurse and clinical contact tracer for Nhs test and trace. We had a long chat re: 3 symptoms would lead to a test but how I’ve traced lots of people who only had cold symptoms and were positive. They have no way to check toddlers temperature as thermometer not working but he feels warm and they’ve given calpol. So BIL says maybe not good idea to have MIL at their house and could we ring my MIL and see if she could come for Xmas dinner with my parents instead. Rang my mum, she said of course as long as she’s had no contact with BIL family in past 10 days. A bit more background...MIL is 72 . BIL has 2 kids, one in school 7 days ago and toddler last in nursery 2 days before Xmas. Last seen MIL 11 days ago.

Multiple phone calls ensued with the story changing all the time as it became apparent I was the grinch .Their toddler was in bed which is unlike him as he doesn’t nap after having a temperature/bad night. I explained a temperature is a reason to have a test which he then retracted and said it wasn’t a temperature and he had checked the nhs website so didn’t need a test. MIL played the whole I don’t understand card when we explained the situation. Said she’d go, keep her distance and not stay very long. When I explained it should be go and drop off the turkey from outside due to potential Covid she made out like she didn’t understand. She then rang back 5 minutes later and said she was just going to drop the turkey off. We rung her an hour later to check she’d got back ok and no answer so we were worried something had happened. I rang BIL and he says yeah it’s fine mums here, sat down at the dinner table and about to have Xmas dinner so can’t talk.

Rang her Boxing Day and got a standoffish tone/minimal conversation except for her to stick the knife in about how she could barely drive to their house through holding back the tears, how she made the best of Xmas day, how she got a taxi back as she’d had a few wines and how she couldn’t even be bothered opening any cards or presents and was sick of Christmas and taking all her decks down. I feel like the bad guy now even though BIL rang me to ask for advice and I only had MIL best interests at heart.Feel like telling her to eff off after she said her Xmas was ruined.

Aibu?

I am in a profession where I'm constantly put on for free legal advice, and like some other posters I now simply but politely signpost people to where they would go if I didn't happen to do my job.

My MIL usually wants to be unhappy/ have a problem/ fall out with someone. Soap operas appear to be a lifestyle choice for some - I've always struggled to understand why.

DH has most dealings with family & I do with mine. Therefore when people do decide to be unreasonable it keeps it mainly with the persons whose immediate family it is. Always seems easiest.

I'm interested to see if they do end up testing

YANBU. It sounds like your better off letting your OH and BIL deal with your MIL in the future, she's their mum and it's not your job to placate her. You deal with the tricky stuff that comes up in your family, and let your OH deal with theirs.

This is your get out clause from now on to just have your DH and DC on Christmas day and do an abridged meet up over the festive season for the rest of them when convenient.
No dust ups, no drama, just an enjoyable Christmas Day.

Tell her to grow up and limit contact for a while.

Seriously yanbu, the woman is a bit mad to have gone in the first place given the state of things

And BIL needs a serious head wobble! Yes it could be just a cold but would he be able to forgive himself if MIL caught covid and was seriously ill or worse.

They asked your professional opinion and didn't like that it didn't fit their needs. Bit childish really.

Sounds like bil’s family didn’t want mil there for christmas and were using having Covid symptoms as excuse. Mil sounds as selfish and stupid as bil. All attention seeking twats. Word of warning though if any of them actually get ill it’s guaranteed it will be your fault

You need to put yourself in her shoes, even though you are in the right. She spent time cooking the turkey, and preparing for Christmas, and then was told she couldn't go because one of the children had a cold. You were just the messenger, and the outsider. She is obviously lonely as your husband and his brother can't even be bothered to phone her, and generally seem to be very selfish. They should have had a proper discussion with her and asked her view as to whether she wanted to take the risk.

Forget about it, the day has passed and MIL is enjoying the drama lama. If she catches covid it’s not down to you.

Poor you. To be honest I am struggling to work out what the problem actually was for her Since she went anyway (?) and if an entire family became ill at the same time ( surely very unusual) I don’t know why anyone would want to visit them nor why they would want to be visited . In any event it’s all been dumped on you so I hope it blows over.

She's having a toddler tantrum - ignore her! If he didnt want your advice why did he ring? As for her - she had no intention of staying away and is laying it on thick. You gave good advice - a normal person would have taken it on board.

As for Christmas it's a big fuss over nothing really - most people celebrating are neither Christian or Pagan (who had the original celebration before being stolen by the Christians) so why doesnt it mean so much anyway? plus it wasnt the day of Christs birth either so even the Christian bit is flawed. So it's really just a meal and gift exchange - that can be done any day of the year!!

I had to cancel Christmas one year - me and the kids all went down with norovirus. I'm the only parent and we were all projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhoeaing for days. Couldnt eat, couldnt do anything so we had a late christmas when we were well. Kids saw their stockings were full - all they wanted to know was if santa came and they were happy but too sick to want to open anything. That's far worse and i wounldnt say it was ruin - just moved it, no probs.

Didnt get to see my sister this year as im tier 4 and she's tier 2 - i'm not throwing a toddler tantrum. My kids didnt get to see their anuty and get her gifts - they arent upset, actually the are planning 'Aunty-Christmas' were we have a second christmas even if it's not til easter.

Your mil sounds over dramatic and spoilt - it wasnt the end of the world and i bet she isnt taking her decs down and she's opened everything.

Also - dont forget to remind them you told them not to mix when she gets sick!

MIL knows she did the wrong thing and is worried, she just wants to blame you to get it off her chest. Ignore her. in fact, ignore all of them!

Also ignore the types who are putting the boot in on this thread, having clearly not read the facts you laid out in the OP.

Anyway, you obviously did at least try to ruin Christmas by kidnapping her and taking her to THE WRONG HOUSE. Due to her clever excuse about needing to drop off the turkey she escaped and managed to get to the right house after all, but the near miss so traumatised her that she needed a few drinks to recover. And then a few more. So yeah, it was also your fault that she needed a taxi home.

Don't worry though, "people like us" don't get The Covid. It'll all be fine. Except for the bit where you tried to kidnap an old lady. Shame on you.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I think you should have stayed out of it as much as possible, you did the kind thing by offering to have MIL to dinner at your parents but she may have thought she would be a spare part.
Sounds a bit uncertain if the child had a temperature and the symptoms the adults had werent any of the top 3 signs -cough, fever and loss of taste , but could possibly also be part of covid.
I booked a test on the phone and tbh I got the impression if I said I had a sore throat and was tired without any of the main 3 symptons they wouldn't have booked me a test.
I think BIL was looking for reassurance but didnt get it and I understand why you couldn't give it. Ultimately it was then up to him and his mum to make the choice maybe BIL felt he couldn't uninvite his mum but also felt uncomfortable with her being there ( or maybe his OH wasn't happy?) Its a horrible situation to find yourself in on xmas morning but it will blow over in time.

Because you’re the ‘in law’ you’ll always be the bad guy. You can’t even say I told
You so if she does end up with Covid.hopefully that won’t happen but if it does you and she will know you were only doing what’s best. Let her stew in her self-pity. She’s probably just sore because she knows you were right. Everyone takes this virus’ bad feeling out on others because they can’t say or do anything to the virus itself. YANBU.

I'm not understanding exactly what she is upset about and what she's blaming you for.
She didn't want to change her plans and ended up doing exactly what she wanted. What is she upset about?
Your BIL shouldnt have involved you apart from checking if your mum could host MIL (to which the answer in many areas would be no because it was adding an extra household). He should then have discussed everything else with his mother.
It sounds as though he was pissed off with her coming so was frosty with her and she's blaming you otherwise why all the tears?

@FaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaBlah

You know that saying ‘you can’t argue with stupid’? That.

Having read all the way through, I feel the first answer to your thread stands out as the best! You did your best, it wasn't the answer being sought BUT you are guilt free. Imagine if you'd said it's all fine and she'd caught and died of COVID because of what you said. Being an expert is never a good thing. Think of Chris Whittey - he's been accused, by the newspapers, of so much pain but at the end of the day he's merely giving out scientific advice as he interprets it. Doesn't mean I like it, but doesn't mean I resent him for it (cos I'm from a scientific background myself). Science tends to be evidence based. Most people (including most scientific based job roles) are emotional based. So it's a simple head over heart. Your BIL wanted to hand responsibility for ruining his mother's Xmas to you, you gave a judgement and now he's able to wash his hands of any responsibility and blame all on you. As you rightly say - tell him to ring the help services and you've told by your bosses to NOT give out any medical advice to family and friends due to conflict of interests! (Crap - but from reading this thread it may confuse them enough). Enjoy the new year!

Sorry the sentence that starts with "As you rightly say..." Its meant to continue and say "you've BEEN told by"

Ugh waste of time them asking you. They wanted you to give them permission to break the rules and you didn't. Stay away from them and let them get on with it.

@W33ble

They never got tested for Covid and don’t intend to either. They probably won’t self isolate either?!

DH has had a lifetime of her antics and it takes him a day or so and some coaching to tackle her. He rang both his brother and mum today for the post mortem. Brother said she was inconsolable when she arrived at their house but he wouldn’t get drawn into conversation apparently as didn’t want his children upset. Hubby asked what was being said by MIL but BIL wouldn’t spill the beans. When he spoke to MIL he confronted her about us “ruining Xmas and said BIL rang us for advice, didn’t want to take the advice and MIL tried to play the victim. Said I was in tears after the conversation MIL had with my DH on Boxing Day when she told him she could barely drive to BIL house for crying and that had made the beat of a bad day and she was done with Xmas, taking all her decorations down and not bothering to open any cards in a strop. Hubby said he was sick of her antics and she needs to stop playing the victim and manipulating the situation, we only had her best interests at heart and didn’t want her to potentially contract Covid. We were confused at her curt and dismissive tone and she needs to stop it. The floods of tears then ensued about how Xmas is a difficult time of year for her as her husband died 10 years ago and OHs sister died 40 years ago. She then said she wishes she was dead rather than his father and sister. Then went on to say if she fell down the stairs nobody would know for days. So husband explained these are separate issues and don’t excuse her behaviour. She just sobbed...

For clarification to everybody myself and hubby were always having Christmas Day with my parents hence why BIL called to check if it would be ok for MIL to join us.

Quite why BIL thinks COVID doesn’t apply to his family is beyond me.

I’m done. They need fucking psychotherapy.

You have it right to be done with them. And as to their need for psychotherapy. I'm so sorry your Christmas was ruined by them, and I wish you all the best for the new year, which I think is going to take everthing we have just to get through, the way things are going. I'd also like to thank you, and a previous poster, from the bottom of my heart for being willing to be a nurse these days. I lost my very much beloved husband to Covid-19 in May, and I was lucky enough to be allowed by his Consultant to be with him in his final hours: the nursing staff were so very gentle with him and so very kind to me. I will never forget.

Nothing new there then? This debacle has been going on for decades. Can anyone say this is out of the ordinary?

If it wasn't covid, it was the cat biting someone, or someone barked a shin or elbow.

@llizzie

Nothing new there then? This debacle has been going on for decades. Can anyone say this is out of the ordinary?

If it wasn't covid, it was the cat biting someone, or someone barked a shin or elbow.

That's sensitive of you. Not.

Back off. Dont call them til they call you.

I'm with you, my Dad did pretty much exactly this, he's now in hospital with Covid and he only has one lung.
I still want to say 'I f*&^ing TOLD you so!!'

The worst thing about mine is that my Dads a Paramedic, been pooh-poohing it all, told everyone there was no way at his age (67) that he was going to spend Christmas alone, so despite his new younger 40 yr old gf and her kids being full of 'just a cold' and all of his actual family warning him, he goes, and is now on a bloody drip.

Hey ho, all you can ever do is be there, warn them, and if they don't listen, remember they're adults. If they f*&k up, its on them.

Simples...

Your BIL didn't want to have his mum over for Christmas and figured that Covid was an easy excuse.

He made alternative arrangements for her, by getting your parents to agree to hosting.

All was good. He even maybe felt some great satisfaction that the plan was working to perfection - muahahaha!

But then you had to go all professional on his arse by asking uncomfortable questions in relation to testing etc. Plus his mum threw a curveball on him by lobbing up at the front door all devastated and distraught at the imminent doom of her beloved son and his entire family. But it was actually really great cos, you know, cooked and free TURKEY!

Now you're having the fallout of MILs panic and stupidity.

Now, it's time for 2020 to resume as per normal.