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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Told by MIL her Christmas was ruined

236 replies

W33ble · 27/12/2020 15:39

So we had a tough morning on Xmas morning. Brother in law telephones us. Their whole family has woken up with a cold symptoms, sore throat and muscle aches with fatigue. Their toddler full of cold, possible temperature and rang us for advice about what to do as their mother was meant to be going for Xmas day dinner later at their house.

A bit of background I’m a nurse and clinical contact tracer for Nhs test and trace. We had a long chat re: 3 symptoms would lead to a test but how I’ve traced lots of people who only had cold symptoms and were positive. They have no way to check toddlers temperature as thermometer not working but he feels warm and they’ve given calpol. So BIL says maybe not good idea to have MIL at their house and could we ring my MIL and see if she could come for Xmas dinner with my parents instead. Rang my mum, she said of course as long as she’s had no contact with BIL family in past 10 days. A bit more background...MIL is 72 . BIL has 2 kids, one in school 7 days ago and toddler last in nursery 2 days before Xmas. Last seen MIL 11 days ago.

Multiple phone calls ensued with the story changing all the time as it became apparent I was the grinch .Their toddler was in bed which is unlike him as he doesn’t nap after having a temperature/bad night. I explained a temperature is a reason to have a test which he then retracted and said it wasn’t a temperature and he had checked the nhs website so didn’t need a test. MIL played the whole I don’t understand card when we explained the situation. Said she’d go, keep her distance and not stay very long. When I explained it should be go and drop off the turkey from outside due to potential Covid she made out like she didn’t understand. She then rang back 5 minutes later and said she was just going to drop the turkey off. We rung her an hour later to check she’d got back ok and no answer so we were worried something had happened. I rang BIL and he says yeah it’s fine mums here, sat down at the dinner table and about to have Xmas dinner so can’t talk.

Rang her Boxing Day and got a standoffish tone/minimal conversation except for her to stick the knife in about how she could barely drive to their house through holding back the tears, how she made the best of Xmas day, how she got a taxi back as she’d had a few wines and how she couldn’t even be bothered opening any cards or presents and was sick of Christmas and taking all her decks down. I feel like the bad guy now even though BIL rang me to ask for advice and I only had MIL best interests at heart.Feel like telling her to eff off after she said her Xmas was ruined.

Aibu?

OP posts:
thecatsabsentcojones · 29/12/2020 08:41

What a child, how pathetic. Ignore it.

Madamum18 · 30/12/2020 17:11

They asked for advice . You gave it. MIL is behaving like a child but is probably just struggling with all this like the rest of us!¬! ! Suggest you ring her, tell her that you were asked for advice and that you gave your best advice from your professional experience on the basis of what you were told. Tell her you are sorry that she feels so upset but that in the circumstances you would still give the same advice. Say to her that you hope that you will all be able to meet up soon when things get a little more normal! And maybe send her a box of her favourite chocolates or whatever - NOT as an apology (you have nothing to apologise for) but with a little note saying Sorry you are feeling fed up , hope these help a little bit ...or something like that Good luck!

Jux · 31/12/2020 15:26

FFS! Don't do that. Keep well away from all of them and their idiotic dramas for the moment.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/12/2020 22:46

YEah, what Jux said.

Do not pander to this tantrum!

Madamum18 · 04/01/2021 18:00

If you want a relationship with her then do do it. If you just want it to carry on or just get swept under the carpet well just ignore her then.

Relationships work better when there is honesty and difficult conversations are not avoided. And a bit if understanding is shown!

TheNinny · 04/01/2021 18:32

Why are you phoning her etc on boxing day and not DH? They asked for professional advice, you gave it, but ensuing phonecalls should have been via DH. Have him check up on her and BIL, not you. He should deal with the fallout, be the bad guy and take the huff n puffs from her. I doubt she'd be that dramatic with him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/01/2021 03:11

@Madamum18

If you want a relationship with her then do do it. If you just want it to carry on or just get swept under the carpet well just ignore her then.

Relationships work better when there is honesty and difficult conversations are not avoided. And a bit if understanding is shown!

Guessing you've never had to deal with a manipulative narcissist - "understanding" and "kindness" are viewed entirely as weaknesses to be exploited.
mathanxiety · 05/01/2021 04:58

Relationships work better when there is honesty and difficult conversations are not avoided. And a bit if understanding is shown!

Relationships only work if this is mutual.

Otherwise they work as well as clapping with one hand.

Madamum18 · 05/01/2021 13:24

I have actually.

The OP hasn't said her MIL is a narcissist...and her behaviour may be that of a narcissist or a selfish person or a self absorbed person or a ....!!

My point was made with the proviso that IF the OP wants a relationship with her MIL she might try ...
...
If she doesn't or if she thinks the tactic won't work then fine. Also, kindness and understanding can only be manipulated and exploited if the person being kind allows it to be! If they are kind and understanding and are met with manipulation they can change tactics!

Relationships only work if they are mutual ..oh boy, do I recognise that one ....again, if the OP chooses to act in this way, is aware of potential manipulation, she can change tactics as she sees fit!

Anyway hope you can get things sorted to suit you W33ble Flowers

Cheeserton · 05/01/2021 13:40

I'm astonished that a debate was necessary, or professional experience remotely relevant.

Symptoms? Possible symptoms? STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE. The end.

wherewildthingsare · 05/01/2021 14:23

So did the family have covid? Did your dm get covid from them op?

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