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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Told by MIL her Christmas was ruined

236 replies

W33ble · 27/12/2020 15:39

So we had a tough morning on Xmas morning. Brother in law telephones us. Their whole family has woken up with a cold symptoms, sore throat and muscle aches with fatigue. Their toddler full of cold, possible temperature and rang us for advice about what to do as their mother was meant to be going for Xmas day dinner later at their house.

A bit of background I’m a nurse and clinical contact tracer for Nhs test and trace. We had a long chat re: 3 symptoms would lead to a test but how I’ve traced lots of people who only had cold symptoms and were positive. They have no way to check toddlers temperature as thermometer not working but he feels warm and they’ve given calpol. So BIL says maybe not good idea to have MIL at their house and could we ring my MIL and see if she could come for Xmas dinner with my parents instead. Rang my mum, she said of course as long as she’s had no contact with BIL family in past 10 days. A bit more background...MIL is 72 . BIL has 2 kids, one in school 7 days ago and toddler last in nursery 2 days before Xmas. Last seen MIL 11 days ago.

Multiple phone calls ensued with the story changing all the time as it became apparent I was the grinch .Their toddler was in bed which is unlike him as he doesn’t nap after having a temperature/bad night. I explained a temperature is a reason to have a test which he then retracted and said it wasn’t a temperature and he had checked the nhs website so didn’t need a test. MIL played the whole I don’t understand card when we explained the situation. Said she’d go, keep her distance and not stay very long. When I explained it should be go and drop off the turkey from outside due to potential Covid she made out like she didn’t understand. She then rang back 5 minutes later and said she was just going to drop the turkey off. We rung her an hour later to check she’d got back ok and no answer so we were worried something had happened. I rang BIL and he says yeah it’s fine mums here, sat down at the dinner table and about to have Xmas dinner so can’t talk.

Rang her Boxing Day and got a standoffish tone/minimal conversation except for her to stick the knife in about how she could barely drive to their house through holding back the tears, how she made the best of Xmas day, how she got a taxi back as she’d had a few wines and how she couldn’t even be bothered opening any cards or presents and was sick of Christmas and taking all her decks down. I feel like the bad guy now even though BIL rang me to ask for advice and I only had MIL best interests at heart.Feel like telling her to eff off after she said her Xmas was ruined.

Aibu?

OP posts:
ContessaDiPulpo · 27/12/2020 22:35

So the upshot is that you ruined Christmas by giving them advice they asked for, didn't like and subsequently ignored. Yeah, they're definitely not fucking idiots at all Grin

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 27/12/2020 22:42

I'm afraid it's what happens all the time. Someone tells a friend about a member of their household being ill and having a temperature. When the reality hits (or is told to them straight out) that it could be Covid and they realise the potential severity and all the house would have to isolate - and potentially isolate for quite some time (if members catch it one after the others each one resetting the isolation clock), suddenly it changes. "Oh well, I say temperature. I mean, they weren't hotter than usual"
"it's clearly a cold"
"I was overreacting earlier..."

it doesn't matter if they know deep down that it probably is Covid. They don't want to have to isolate so will dismiss it completely and refuse flat out to get tested.

OP was the unfortunate one to tell them straight. She made it a reality and they're angry about it. She ruined her MIL's day by saying what they don't want to hear.

OP's MIL sounds like mine. Gets upset about stupid shit and throws her arms in the air in anger saying "Well I shouldn't bother then! It's all ruined!" When she's told something small is wrong. An adult tantrum is never a pretty thing.

TorringtonDean · 27/12/2020 22:50

They all sound too hard work. Stifling.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2020 23:07

Sounds like your BIL also knows exactly what she's like, which is why he got you to do his "dirty work" and call her to say she shouldn't go to their house, but with you to your mother's instead.

Also, if I were him, I'd not be happy to know that having Christmas with him and his family constituted a "ruined Christmas" - how very fucking rude!

All in all, this woman is a total fucking drama llama with a massive martyr syndrome. I doubt VERY much she was "crying all the way" to her other son's house, unless it was in rage.

Awful awful woman - don't ever voluntarily call her again, make your DH or his brother deal with her.

Can't even go there with the posters who can't read your posts properly and then criticise you for their inability to read properly - pretty similar to the MIL, really!

greenlynx · 27/12/2020 23:19

OP, I hope you and your family are not going to see BIL’s family and MIL in the next 2 weeks. I would also tell other members of their family that BIL and his family had Covid symptoms but didn’t want to do tests and that MIL was visiting them so it’s better not to see/ visit them for some time.
I wouldn’t do any other explanations with them. You did everything right and genuinely tried to help. I think it’s time for your DH to remind them that people with Covid symptoms should self isolate and get tests, not invite their elderly parents for dinner. And they definitely had Covid symptoms.

BloggersBlog · 28/12/2020 00:04

So she spent the day as planned, got rat arsed and had to take a taxi home, but the day was so dreadful she is stropping about it ?

Says a lot for bil's hospitality that it was so awful Grin

PurpleMustang · 28/12/2020 09:05

She and BIL ended up that worried that they didn't do as advised which was if you go dont stay for hours on end like usual. She has such a crap time she stayed as per usual possibly with the virus in the house, drunk too much to drive and got a taxi home. Yep sounds like she had a shit day. At least your husband has your back. The only good to see out of this. She is blaming you purely because she sat there the whole time knowing she shouldn't be.

pollymere · 28/12/2020 17:29

She will never appreciate that you didn't want her to get sick and die from Covid, flu or anything else for that matter. She couldn't possibly have gone to a house full of sick people and expect lunch. Covid situation has blurred her judgment. You'll just have to know you did the right thing.

IntermittentParps · 28/12/2020 17:30

Oh, fuck them all. Don’t speak to them about Christmas any more; if they start, say flatly ‘I’m not interested in this conversation any more’ and change the subject/leave a silence.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 28/12/2020 17:31

OMG
Who's voting YABU??!! Confused

Mikki77 · 28/12/2020 17:37

Your MIL being completely unreasonable and your brother in law is no better!

fatchilli123 · 28/12/2020 17:41

Bil asked you to ring mum sorry he should apologise all round. What an arse and a coward.

NAF123 · 28/12/2020 17:42

You did the right thing you can't take risks these days ... and she should be more understanding!!!
Don't listen to anyone you fooled your instincts!! She ruined her own Xmas for been selfish!!!!!!!
What if yiu guys would have got covid how would she feel ????????
Seriously some people!!
These are not normal times and we all need to take part

Dasher789 · 28/12/2020 17:45

@FaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaBlah

You know that saying ‘you can’t argue with stupid’? That.
100%
ny20005 · 28/12/2020 17:46

Luckily she'll be giving you the silent treatment for a while so you won't need to be anywhere near her & get infected !

I'd be reducing contact & let dh deal with her & her manipulation from now on

FortniteBoysMum · 28/12/2020 17:54

I would let her get on with it but should she test positive for covid in the next week point out that is exactly why you said she should stay away given her age. If your bil wants to risk his mother's health that is his choice. All you can do is stay away from them all for now to protect your own family.

AdoraBell · 28/12/2020 17:56

Haven’t RTFT, just all the OPs replies.

OP as suggested by pp, don’t give them any advice in future and tell them to contact their GP/call NHS direct.

Re this Christmas situation, also as pp suggested- you didn’t ruin her Christmas Day as you weren’t present and you know she spent the day with BIL and his family. End of conversation, change the subject and move on.

erasemybrain · 28/12/2020 17:58

I think I'd be telling her Christmas is the least of her worries if she's caught covid and she may well get her wish of she's unlucky! But then I am mean

ERFFER · 28/12/2020 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yogalola · 28/12/2020 18:15

You were the sensible one and gave the right advice. At the moment it’s better to be over cautious and stay well. Christmas Day is one day of the year, which I think I’d rather sacrifice this year. Your MIL shouldn’t of taken such a risk.

Cantaffordthetherapy · 28/12/2020 18:19

You didn't ruin Xmas. A combination of a virus that you have no control over (so not your fault) and her deciding to do something she knew she shouldn't be doing against advice and feeling guilty / worried about it all day ruined her Xmas (again not your monkeys, not your circus). If she didn't think she'd done anything wrong then going against your advice wouldn't have made any difference to her enjoyment of the day.

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 28/12/2020 18:22

They wanted your advice, but basically didn’t want to follow it as it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. Don’t do it again on the grounds of ‘you’ll be classed as the kill joy, occasion ruiner’ for knowing your facts n being honest. You’ve done nothing wrong.

thistle52 · 28/12/2020 18:23

Not being unreasonable but def the reason I avoid giving professional advice to friends and family! You are always the bad one

WaterOffADucksCrack · 28/12/2020 18:26

Adults like this are pathetic. Our 5 and 4yos understood we couldn't see any family due to the virus and they still had a brilliant day in the end as we make the best of bad situations! DP had covid and was in bed for most of the festive period but I'd never risk other people's health. Bil should be ashamed of himself for allowing mil over. She should know better and needs to get over herself with the "holding back tears" crap.

Everyone keeps banging on about how hard this year has been for them. It's been hard for everyone ffs plenty of us have lost people and worked frontline. But feeling sorry for ourselves helps no one.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/12/2020 18:30

Your husband's family all sound rather dumb intellectually challenged from your op. Hope your husband is a better catch!