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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Told by MIL her Christmas was ruined

236 replies

W33ble · 27/12/2020 15:39

So we had a tough morning on Xmas morning. Brother in law telephones us. Their whole family has woken up with a cold symptoms, sore throat and muscle aches with fatigue. Their toddler full of cold, possible temperature and rang us for advice about what to do as their mother was meant to be going for Xmas day dinner later at their house.

A bit of background I’m a nurse and clinical contact tracer for Nhs test and trace. We had a long chat re: 3 symptoms would lead to a test but how I’ve traced lots of people who only had cold symptoms and were positive. They have no way to check toddlers temperature as thermometer not working but he feels warm and they’ve given calpol. So BIL says maybe not good idea to have MIL at their house and could we ring my MIL and see if she could come for Xmas dinner with my parents instead. Rang my mum, she said of course as long as she’s had no contact with BIL family in past 10 days. A bit more background...MIL is 72 . BIL has 2 kids, one in school 7 days ago and toddler last in nursery 2 days before Xmas. Last seen MIL 11 days ago.

Multiple phone calls ensued with the story changing all the time as it became apparent I was the grinch .Their toddler was in bed which is unlike him as he doesn’t nap after having a temperature/bad night. I explained a temperature is a reason to have a test which he then retracted and said it wasn’t a temperature and he had checked the nhs website so didn’t need a test. MIL played the whole I don’t understand card when we explained the situation. Said she’d go, keep her distance and not stay very long. When I explained it should be go and drop off the turkey from outside due to potential Covid she made out like she didn’t understand. She then rang back 5 minutes later and said she was just going to drop the turkey off. We rung her an hour later to check she’d got back ok and no answer so we were worried something had happened. I rang BIL and he says yeah it’s fine mums here, sat down at the dinner table and about to have Xmas dinner so can’t talk.

Rang her Boxing Day and got a standoffish tone/minimal conversation except for her to stick the knife in about how she could barely drive to their house through holding back the tears, how she made the best of Xmas day, how she got a taxi back as she’d had a few wines and how she couldn’t even be bothered opening any cards or presents and was sick of Christmas and taking all her decks down. I feel like the bad guy now even though BIL rang me to ask for advice and I only had MIL best interests at heart.Feel like telling her to eff off after she said her Xmas was ruined.

Aibu?

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 27/12/2020 17:45

Oh dear, let’s hope their tests come back negative

BlueCatRedCat · 27/12/2020 17:45

People seem to be missing this from the OP:

So BIL says maybe not good idea to have MIL at their house and could we ring my MIL and see if she could come for Xmas dinner with my parents instead. Rang my mum, she said of course as long as she’s had no contact with BIL family in past 10 days.

The reason the OP got involved with ringing the MIL was because OP was asked to invite the MIL to OP's own mother's house; which was ok on the proviso that the MIL was not going to have direct contact with the potentially infectious BIL. So, OP ringing MIL several times to make sure that she wasn't having any more contact than necessary with BIL's family (whilst supposedly delivering a turkey to them) to ensure her own mum wouldn't get exposed via the MIL then coming to her mum's house. I totally agree that OP should have told BIL to sort things out for himself, but she really was doing a good turn in agreeing to invite her obnoxious MIL to her own mother's house.

umpteennamechanges · 27/12/2020 17:46

Wow...your MIL is a selfish, entitled dick of the highest order.

Nothing to do for it now but to shrug and think 'not my circus, not my monkeys'.

Let's hope for the taxi driver's sake they don't have COVID.

sergeilavrov · 27/12/2020 17:48

I feel bad for the taxi driver who might now spread COVID and miss out on earnings as he recovers because they have to trust passengers to be responsible personally. She's irresponsible, selfish and has potentially caused a great deal of harm to a lot of people.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 17:50

I would avoid the lot of them for the time being and in future not give out free medical advice, they could call 111 and get the advice from them.

Baileysoncereal · 27/12/2020 17:55

I’m not really clear why he asked you to get involved, beyond asking yourself advice, and then went against what he’d asked you to do...if I understand correctly?

But on the other hand at the point it seemed like people were getting annoyed at you, rather than you being helpful you need to step back.
They’re all adults
You’ve given them the information (that is also widely available and they don’t need to ask you for really)

When they decide not to listen or to understand that is their choice, and you just don’t see them for a while now to keep you and yourself family safe. Simple, not your problem.

Also this is DHs family? Why do you need to ring everyone to check they’re ok when they’re just using you as a punching bag

They need to get a grip. They’re taking out their (reasonable) frustrations on you, like children lashing out.
And you’re letting them. Create boundaries.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 17:56

You couldn't win really.

If you said yes all is fine, and she got ill,even with a cold it would've been all your fault and why didn't you warn them.

Since you've been sensible you're now the horrible DIL who tried to cancel Christmas for everyone, and they're the loving, magnanimous ones that love her .

They're a bunch of twats.

What does your DH say/think about all this?

Yohoheaveho · 27/12/2020 17:56

dont waste any more of your breath and time on these idiots
back off and leave them to fu(k things up all by themelves:)

lazyarse123 · 27/12/2020 17:58

@murbblurb

spoilt brat of a woman. Sorry, but this was entitlement of the first order. 11 days? Haven't seen my family in a year. She should be grateful she isn't spending Christmas in hospital, or worrying about someone who is.

OP - thank you for all you do. I'm sorry you have to deal with (let alone be related to) someone like this.

This with bells on. I for one am very grateful for the work you do. If there's two words i am sick to death of seeing it's "christmas ruined", they're everywhere. No it's not ruined it's just different. Presumably people who haven't seen family on xmas day also haven't seen them much since March, which is what i would find upsetting.
Hollywolly1 · 27/12/2020 18:03

If the MIL wants to come visit you better tell her it's more sensible to stick to her bubble

Hollywolly1 · 27/12/2020 18:04

And while you are at it tell them all to fuck right off

sueelleker · 27/12/2020 18:05

And if she tries to come round to yours, don't let her in!

SaltyAF · 27/12/2020 18:05

@Hollywolly1

If the MIL wants to come visit you better tell her it's more sensible to stick to her bubble
Yes absolutely refuse to see her.
Eryouwhat · 27/12/2020 18:09

Madness from them all

ZenNudist · 27/12/2020 18:11

Id just sweep it under the carpet and ignore her for a bit. It's nothing for you to get upset about. This is why DH deals with his family and I deal with mine.

ktp100 · 27/12/2020 18:13

So many people acting like fucking babies over restrictions!

When will people understand that their emotions mean fuck all at the moment and just do as they're bloody well told??!!

Well done you for trying, OP but she's clearly either stupid or being wilfully ignorant because she thinks what she wants is worth having or spreading Covid for.

It's an absolute piss take to call you for advice, give you the shit job of passing on bad news then spinning the whole thing to make you you the bad guy!!!

I'd be going NC after that!

NotaWickedStepMum55 · 27/12/2020 18:15

What is it about women (it usually is a woman) making a fuss over this one day. I hate hearing about the amount of emotional blackmail going on over Christmas. Thank goodness it is over for another year.

You are not being unreasonable. At all

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2020 18:15

@FourDecades

I'm obviously being thick but if MIL still went as planned...what was ruined for her?
I’m thick too. Why is she annoyed with you? Weird.

Ignore.

TorringtonDean · 27/12/2020 18:17

They all sound thoroughly toxic. You did the right thing and behaved like an adult.

EddieBananas · 27/12/2020 18:20

They asked for your advice. They chose to ignore it.

Don't bother next time. It's clearly not worth it. Tell them to ring the relevant NHS service.

InMulieribus · 27/12/2020 18:22

This kind of thing is precisely the reason XH dealt with his mad family and I dealt with mine.

GabsAlot · 27/12/2020 18:23

@madcatladyforever

People have been so stupid about Christmas this year it really makes me angry. You would not think these people were adults but sulky children. I've just spend a non christmas completely alone as I work in the NHS and don't want to expose my family to anything and so what, it's just one poxy christmas. Please tell her to eff off from me and grow up!!
this

and thankyou madcatlady

TurquoiseDragon · 27/12/2020 18:25

@FourDecades

I'm obviously being thick but if MIL still went as planned...what was ruined for her?
She's just setting out her stall so she can blame OP if there's any issues or backlash later. Thereby deflecting any blame from herself.
LaurieFairyCake · 27/12/2020 18:25

The reason people aren't getting this isn't because the OP hasn't explained it properly

It's because people on Mumsnet are too normal and sensible to understand what a massive twat the MIL is

Basically the MIL (and BIL) wanted DIL to tell them 'it's fine, you've no thermometer so you can't tell your kid has a temperature- and you don't have the three symptoms so just meet up'

She didn't do that (because of er... normal not being an arseholeness) - PLUS we all know the government doesn't want people to test unless they have 3 symptoms - when frankly if you have ONE symptom you should be testing.

I know loads of people with colds OR fatigue OR a stomach bug - ALL have Covid Hmm

Tal45 · 27/12/2020 18:26

You didn't ruin her Christmas, Covid did.