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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Told by MIL her Christmas was ruined

236 replies

W33ble · 27/12/2020 15:39

So we had a tough morning on Xmas morning. Brother in law telephones us. Their whole family has woken up with a cold symptoms, sore throat and muscle aches with fatigue. Their toddler full of cold, possible temperature and rang us for advice about what to do as their mother was meant to be going for Xmas day dinner later at their house.

A bit of background I’m a nurse and clinical contact tracer for Nhs test and trace. We had a long chat re: 3 symptoms would lead to a test but how I’ve traced lots of people who only had cold symptoms and were positive. They have no way to check toddlers temperature as thermometer not working but he feels warm and they’ve given calpol. So BIL says maybe not good idea to have MIL at their house and could we ring my MIL and see if she could come for Xmas dinner with my parents instead. Rang my mum, she said of course as long as she’s had no contact with BIL family in past 10 days. A bit more background...MIL is 72 . BIL has 2 kids, one in school 7 days ago and toddler last in nursery 2 days before Xmas. Last seen MIL 11 days ago.

Multiple phone calls ensued with the story changing all the time as it became apparent I was the grinch .Their toddler was in bed which is unlike him as he doesn’t nap after having a temperature/bad night. I explained a temperature is a reason to have a test which he then retracted and said it wasn’t a temperature and he had checked the nhs website so didn’t need a test. MIL played the whole I don’t understand card when we explained the situation. Said she’d go, keep her distance and not stay very long. When I explained it should be go and drop off the turkey from outside due to potential Covid she made out like she didn’t understand. She then rang back 5 minutes later and said she was just going to drop the turkey off. We rung her an hour later to check she’d got back ok and no answer so we were worried something had happened. I rang BIL and he says yeah it’s fine mums here, sat down at the dinner table and about to have Xmas dinner so can’t talk.

Rang her Boxing Day and got a standoffish tone/minimal conversation except for her to stick the knife in about how she could barely drive to their house through holding back the tears, how she made the best of Xmas day, how she got a taxi back as she’d had a few wines and how she couldn’t even be bothered opening any cards or presents and was sick of Christmas and taking all her decks down. I feel like the bad guy now even though BIL rang me to ask for advice and I only had MIL best interests at heart.Feel like telling her to eff off after she said her Xmas was ruined.

Aibu?

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 18:36

She's just setting out her stall so she can blame OP if there's any issues or backlash later. Thereby deflecting any blame from herself.

As childish and dramatic the MIL is, it sounds to me that the one doing the setting up was BIL.

First by expecting her to provide them with a loophole/reassurance not to cancel.
When that didn't work,he asked OP to deliver the bad news.
I bet when MIL rang /texted him to clarify/tantrum he massively downplayed the situation, blamed it all on OP , she's being OTT and of course they want her to come round. Probably even pretending he doesn't understand what all the fuss is about and why OP would do/say such a thing to his poor old mum.

Ofc if OP had said go ahead and anything bad happened, even a cold, then it would be all her fault because they had asked for her opinion and advice and she told them to go ahead.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 27/12/2020 18:36

@hereyehearye

Imagine ringing someone else'smother to rearrange her engagements with her own child. Clearly you have a hero complex but I would stick to getting your kicks at work.
ODFOD
CoffeeRunner · 27/12/2020 18:41

They asked for your advice & then blamed you for giving it.

Ridiculously unfair.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 18:43

@W33ble what I'd do is send her a message like this :

"Hello MIL, I'm sorry you feel this way and it was definitely my intention. When BIL asked for my advice,given their symptoms I gave my honest opinion. He then asked me to ring and cancel on his behalf and ask you to come here instead, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten involved. It is not my fault he changed his mind after I had already called you."

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 27/12/2020 18:51

Honestly, you shouldn't have put yourself in the middle. Give BIL advice if you must but you could always opt out of advice by saying you can't diagnose over the phone. Once you had given advice, you should have told BIL to contact MIL.
You opted to be the bearer of bad news.

Jux · 27/12/2020 18:51

So, they'd arranged for her to be with them for Xmas lunch and she was. What on earth was she so upset about? Nothing changed.

She is idiotic, drama queen. Is she usually like that?

ClaireP20 · 27/12/2020 18:54

The only one unreasonable is your BIL.. why he didn't take his kids out of nursery and school a week before xmas to ensure your mil safety. I did that, so did many others. Not even taking the toddler out of nursery until 2 days before?!?!

What the fuck is wrong with people.

Msmcc1212 · 27/12/2020 19:01

As a professional I have had similar. Friends and family ask you a question but know what they want the answer to be and when you don’t give them the answer they want then you are the bad guy. It sucks. YANBU. They should have been more cautious.

You didn’t ruin Christmas, Covid did, but you can’t have a go at and punish Covid so you are getting it in the neck. Over time it will settle hopefully.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 19:03

@Jux

So, they'd arranged for her to be with them for Xmas lunch and she was. What on earth was she so upset about? Nothing changed.

She is idiotic, drama queen. Is she usually like that?

She is, however it can be upsetting to find out Christmas morning that you can't go to see your child and grandchildren as planned, especially when the message doesn't even come from that child.Even more upsetting and possibly confusing when it turns out it was all for naught and "In you come mum".
katy1213 · 27/12/2020 19:05

Why was her Christmas ruined? She went, as planned - she had her dinner - got pissed - came home. What a silly woman.
You're well out of it.

Londonmummy66 · 27/12/2020 19:06

If she's caught COVID from them and dies of it she'll have ruined Christmas for the rest of the family for ever...

Your behaviour was totally correct and professional - if they chose to ignore it then it is on them. I cannot see how you could have given any other advice

mathanxiety · 27/12/2020 19:08

There is a Polish saying - 'Not my circus, not my monkeys'.

YANBU, but at the same time, this wasn't your circus or your monkeys. You should have stopped the circus at the point where you gave your advice about grounds for testing.

Next time (hopefully there will never be a repeat of covid, but anyway...) tell them, 'These are the risks. It's up to you.'

Then turn off your phone and let the monkeys do whatever their little hearts desire.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 27/12/2020 19:10

@ClaireP20

The only one unreasonable is your BIL.. why he didn't take his kids out of nursery and school a week before xmas to ensure your mil safety. I did that, so did many others. Not even taking the toddler out of nursery until 2 days before?!?!

What the fuck is wrong with people.

He probably had to go to work, like Millions of other parents!
BestOfABadLot · 27/12/2020 19:38

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

Honestly, you shouldn't have put yourself in the middle. Give BIL advice if you must but you could always opt out of advice by saying you can't diagnose over the phone. Once you had given advice, you should have told BIL to contact MIL. You opted to be the bearer of bad news.
She didn't opt to be the bearer of bad news, nor did she diagnose anything, she just answered questions that were asked then tried to make sure her Mil got a Christmas dinner. I think it's a bit much to expect people never to give advice when asked in case it gets turned around on them. What kind of shitty world would we live in then?
Ponoka7 · 27/12/2020 20:16

I think a lot of posters are missing the bit were the OP was asked if the MIL could go to her Mum's instead, which started the phone calls.

caringcarer · 27/12/2020 20:19

They ask for your professional opinion, but didn't want to hear it when it inconvenienced them. They sound hard work.

W33ble · 27/12/2020 20:42

They never got tested for Covid and don’t intend to either. They probably won’t self isolate either?!

DH has had a lifetime of her antics and it takes him a day or so and some coaching to tackle her. He rang both his brother and mum today for the post mortem. Brother said she was inconsolable when she arrived at their house but he wouldn’t get drawn into conversation apparently as didn’t want his children upset. Hubby asked what was being said by MIL but BIL wouldn’t spill the beans. When he spoke to MIL he confronted her about us “ruining Xmas and said BIL rang us for advice, didn’t want to take the advice and MIL tried to play the victim. Said I was in tears after the conversation MIL had with my DH on Boxing Day when she told him she could barely drive to BIL house for crying and that had made the beat of a bad day and she was done with Xmas, taking all her decorations down and not bothering to open any cards in a strop. Hubby said he was sick of her antics and she needs to stop playing the victim and manipulating the situation, we only had her best interests at heart and didn’t want her to potentially contract Covid. We were confused at her curt and dismissive tone and she needs to stop it. The floods of tears then ensued about how Xmas is a difficult time of year for her as her husband died 10 years ago and OHs sister died 40 years ago. She then said she wishes she was dead rather than his father and sister. Then went on to say if she fell down the stairs nobody would know for days. So husband explained these are separate issues and don’t excuse her behaviour. She just sobbed...

For clarification to everybody myself and hubby were always having Christmas Day with my parents hence why BIL called to check if it would be ok for MIL to join us.

Quite why BIL thinks COVID doesn’t apply to his family is beyond me.

I’m done. They need fucking psychotherapy.

OP posts:
TorringtonDean · 27/12/2020 20:44

So much fuss about Christmas dinner. Just a big roast really. Hardly worth dying for.

Ginogineli · 27/12/2020 20:52

Sound like you got over involved

They didn’t have any of the symptoms- if they weren’t sure child had a temp then she can’t have had one - even nhs says you don’t need thermometer - just check if they’re hot to touch

Given they couldn’t tell I’m guessing child didn’t feel hot - they likely all just had a cold

Colds are common so you should have stayed out of it

I can see why given your experience but equally you projected and they prob feel you scaremongered them

Surprising as most nhs I know are totally relaxed about covid and would have had a more common sense approach h

SaltyAF · 27/12/2020 20:55

Surprising as most nhs I know are totally relaxed about covid and would have had a more common sense approach

Nasty, gaslighting shitpost.

DecemberDiana · 27/12/2020 20:58

The people I have known with Covid didn't have "typical" symptoms. OP was quite right that there are a lot of other symptoms to be aware of. The education round it has been a bit lacking.

diddl · 27/12/2020 21:08

"myself and hubby were always having Christmas Day with my parents hence why BIL called to check if it would be ok for MIL to join us."

And your mum said it was OK, so why did MIL end up going to BIL's?

EagleFlight · 27/12/2020 21:09

@Ginogineli

Sound like you got over involved

They didn’t have any of the symptoms- if they weren’t sure child had a temp then she can’t have had one - even nhs says you don’t need thermometer - just check if they’re hot to touch

Given they couldn’t tell I’m guessing child didn’t feel hot - they likely all just had a cold

Colds are common so you should have stayed out of it

I can see why given your experience but equally you projected and they prob feel you scaremongered them

Surprising as most nhs I know are totally relaxed about covid and would have had a more common sense approach h

I disagree about both the NHS being relaxed and the OP being over involved.
W33ble · 27/12/2020 21:16

MIL had bought and cooked their turkey. She didn’t want to say to us that she had no intention of not dropping the turkey off at BILs house and would just go and have Xmas dinner regardless.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 27/12/2020 21:18

Sounds like they just had a cold, I know the symptoms can vary but it's a bit odd that none of them had any of the symptoms at all, if it was covid.
Anyway obviously better safe than sorry but I don't think it was up to you to try and persuade them what to do - just give your opinion.
Mil sounds ridiculous (although understandably in some ways given she's probably been looking forward to this for weeks) - just as well she didn't spend Christmas with you as it would definitely have ruined your day too!

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