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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Told by MIL her Christmas was ruined

236 replies

W33ble · 27/12/2020 15:39

So we had a tough morning on Xmas morning. Brother in law telephones us. Their whole family has woken up with a cold symptoms, sore throat and muscle aches with fatigue. Their toddler full of cold, possible temperature and rang us for advice about what to do as their mother was meant to be going for Xmas day dinner later at their house.

A bit of background I’m a nurse and clinical contact tracer for Nhs test and trace. We had a long chat re: 3 symptoms would lead to a test but how I’ve traced lots of people who only had cold symptoms and were positive. They have no way to check toddlers temperature as thermometer not working but he feels warm and they’ve given calpol. So BIL says maybe not good idea to have MIL at their house and could we ring my MIL and see if she could come for Xmas dinner with my parents instead. Rang my mum, she said of course as long as she’s had no contact with BIL family in past 10 days. A bit more background...MIL is 72 . BIL has 2 kids, one in school 7 days ago and toddler last in nursery 2 days before Xmas. Last seen MIL 11 days ago.

Multiple phone calls ensued with the story changing all the time as it became apparent I was the grinch .Their toddler was in bed which is unlike him as he doesn’t nap after having a temperature/bad night. I explained a temperature is a reason to have a test which he then retracted and said it wasn’t a temperature and he had checked the nhs website so didn’t need a test. MIL played the whole I don’t understand card when we explained the situation. Said she’d go, keep her distance and not stay very long. When I explained it should be go and drop off the turkey from outside due to potential Covid she made out like she didn’t understand. She then rang back 5 minutes later and said she was just going to drop the turkey off. We rung her an hour later to check she’d got back ok and no answer so we were worried something had happened. I rang BIL and he says yeah it’s fine mums here, sat down at the dinner table and about to have Xmas dinner so can’t talk.

Rang her Boxing Day and got a standoffish tone/minimal conversation except for her to stick the knife in about how she could barely drive to their house through holding back the tears, how she made the best of Xmas day, how she got a taxi back as she’d had a few wines and how she couldn’t even be bothered opening any cards or presents and was sick of Christmas and taking all her decks down. I feel like the bad guy now even though BIL rang me to ask for advice and I only had MIL best interests at heart.Feel like telling her to eff off after she said her Xmas was ruined.

Aibu?

OP posts:
FaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaBlah · 27/12/2020 15:43

You know that saying ‘you can’t argue with stupid’? That.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 27/12/2020 15:44

At the end of the day, they're all adults and made their own decisions. Given how rife Coronavirus is now you'd think they would be more cautious but up to them. You didn't make anyone do anything so just leave it - and hope no one gets seriously ill now!

ArosGartref · 27/12/2020 15:44

They were looking to reassurance from you and when you couldn't give it, decided to ignore your advice. They put you in an incredibly awkward situation. In future, tell them you can't give them medical advice and they need to contact the relevant service (like anyone else who doesn't have a nurse etc in the family).

ScrapThatThen · 27/12/2020 15:46

People find change very hard. You were the messenger. It's not your fault. I think bil should have discussed it with mil and they made a decision together, or he should have said no. But he asked you to arbitrate and then didn't like the answer (or his partner did not agree). I was in your position telling dm she must get a test and isolate after having a temperature and she did not like it, I was very forceful, not like me, because its important. So I get your actions. But I learned from it that you can state your position but you must let adults make their own choices. And to expect hurt feelings.

Preparedtobetoldimwrong · 27/12/2020 15:47

So they asked you for professional advice, you gave it, they ignored it and now you are in the wrong? I wouldn’t play that game. Thousands of people had their Christmasses ruined by COVID- none of which is your fault. What does DH say?

BestOfABadLot · 27/12/2020 15:48

They were being incredibly unfair. They rang you because you have medical expertise but instead of wanting you to use your expertise they expected you to tell them what they wanted to hear.

MadeForThis · 27/12/2020 15:48

You did the right thing. They didn't like the advice and took a risk on meeting anyway.

Stop calling them and ignore the fall out. They don't want to be reminded they put MIL at risk.

diddl · 27/12/2020 15:49

I think that you were just supposed to invite MIL no questions asked!

She went where she was supposed to & was fed.

Not sure how that constitutes ruined tbh.

Unless she did all the cooking & was also running round after his son & family!

Odile13 · 27/12/2020 15:51

It’s not your fault. I really feel for you because you were only trying to help and you gave sensible advice. Maybe take a step back for a bit - let DH deal with his family and don’t let them make you feel bad.

LittleRa · 27/12/2020 15:52

Where’s your DH in all this?

popsydoodle4444 · 27/12/2020 15:52

How kind of the MIL;She went into a household where there's potentially covid 19;could have picked up the virus;sat in the Uber and now has potentially infected the driver and any more passengers after that who then take it home to their families and so on.............

And people are perplexed at how this virus spreads so easily

slipperywhensparticus · 27/12/2020 15:52

Well if they have got it and they have spread it they can't blame you because you told them the truth 😷

HannaYeah · 27/12/2020 15:53

She sounds difficult. And not smart.

HTH1 · 27/12/2020 15:55

You probably should have kept out of it but, given that MIL totally ignored your advice and had Xmas dinner there anyway, she can’t really blame you for feeling sad.

MsTSwift · 27/12/2020 15:58

Well op you should be ashamed of yourself the whole pandemic is obviously entirely your fault 🙄🙄.

Sarcastic obviously - how old is mil - 12? Actually an insult to 12 year olds mine had lots of disappointments this year and dealt with those 100 better than your mil...

LionLily · 27/12/2020 15:58

This is what we have learned over the years:
DH has qualifications in motor mechanics but will not advise family members nor tinker with their cars.
MIL is a nurse but will not advise or even first-aid family, she uses the line that she becomes too panicky (she does in reality)
My DSIS is a policewoman, if any family member so much as starts to ask her something, she shows her palm and says 'More than my jobs worth'.
I have financial advice qualifications and steer well clear,I won't even recommend a colleague for advice.

'They' always shoot the messenger. You can't do wrong for doing right. By doing/saying right to these people, you shine a light on their shady intentions.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 27/12/2020 15:58

Why couldn't they ring her themselves? So strange. But if she gets it now at least you know you tried to prevent it. People are strange.

santasmincepie · 27/12/2020 15:58

YANBU. Up to them if they wanted to be stupid for the sake of one day, but not fair to pin it on you. I just hope she doesn't get symptoms now

Purplethrow · 27/12/2020 15:58

Why didn’t your bil call his mother and explain? What a bloody coward!
I would expect him to smooth things over with mil as he’s the one that started the fiasco by calling you.
Although if mil is given to behaving like a child, I’d be glad of the distance.

CoRhona · 27/12/2020 15:59

So BIL couldn't phone his own mother but could host her for lunch?

He was too cowardly to tell her she wasn't welcome and in the end, she ignored him and you anyway.

I would never agree to say anything of the sort to her again, it's been a case - unfairly - of shoot the messenger.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/12/2020 16:00

Been there, done that. You should have backed off as soon as you sensed resistance. They asked advice, you gave it, then you should have said "all we can do is say what we think but we cant tell you what to do" and asked for a definitive answer as to whether MIL wants to come to yours or not.

We had similar this year, explained to MIL we dont think it's safe, but you can do what you want, I just need to know what you're doing so we can plan what we're doing.

hereyehearye · 27/12/2020 16:00

You all sound like drama queens. Next time you know what they are like so just stay out of it.

Lookslikerainted · 27/12/2020 16:00

Why did you get involved? Your involvement should have ended after the advice. Why did she ring you to tell you what she was doing, she’s an adult, who made a stupid choice but it’s been stupid choice to make.

PandemicPavolova · 27/12/2020 16:00

I'm so confused? She was due to go to bils, you said, that's not wise... She went anyway and enjoyed herself but is now miserable?

Fleamaker123 · 27/12/2020 16:01

I reckon MIL knows she was in the wrong going round to BIL's, but is telling you how awful it was and how it was all ruined and a disaster blah blah, to deflect it back away from her. This is why I don't get involved in family problems any more!!

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