DMIL gave me ‘vegan’ brownies and DC is CMPA!!

[FTEngineerM]

I am raging, DCs face flared up yesterday evening and we were wondering why.

We have prescribed creams from GP hydrocortisone and moisturisers both in the bath and normal.

DMIL said ‘ I’ve bought you brownies from a vegan place you can have them
With the vegan ice cream I got you’ as our Christmas dessert.

Today we brought the box home as she was looking after dc for the night. They have milk in them!!!!! I’ve had 6 small brownies, tried to be sick but only a tiny bit came up.

No wonder his face is flaring up. I feel terrible for not checking, I trusted her. He will suffer now. How can I trust anything they do ever again.

My GGD has dairy allergy but also reacts to too much soya. I think you have really over reacted and feel sorry for your DMIL.I know how hard. I find it to get different safe foods for Gd but get ready to get cross when your child is older and gets given dairy by school staff. That’s something to get mad about- not someone who has gone out their way, by the sound of it, to get the right food.

I can’t get over you trying to make yourself sick because there was some dairy in something you ate.

If you vomited because you were so upset that you’d eaten animal products that’s one thing. But sticking your fingers down your throat to purify yourself??

Bizarre.

Hopefully it's a very good lesson. When it's about your own child, you CHECK.

it's a pain, it's unfair, frustrating, it's whatever you want, but as a parent it's your job. People are careless or make mistake.

You will soon enough learn that people don't take allergies seriously anyway, have no clue about cross-contamination and sometimes are just plain stupid. Do your job.

If you vomited because you were so upset that you’d eaten animal products that’s one thing. But sticking your fingers down your throat to purify yourself??

Don’t underestimate the pressure that breastfeeding mothers feel when the health of their baby lies solely in their hands due to the baby having allergies. The responsibility can feel overwhelming. And there can be feelings of so much guilt.....I used to sit up at night and sob because my baby would be screaming in pain and I knew it was because of my milk.

I remember once, my 3 year old offered be a chocolate button (I was breastfeeding my CMPA baby at the time) and I carelessly put the button in my mouth without even thinking. A few seconds later I realised what I’d done and I panicked and spat it out into the bin. And that was just one chocolate button.

I’m pretty sure if I’d eaten 6 cookies that I’d realised contained dairy I would probably have done the same as OP.

@irisatwood op already explained why she did that, didn't you read it????

When you eat things containing allergens such as cows milk protein your body absorbs them and they get through to your breast milk and baby can react from this. So she was trying to mitigate this.

I’d consult a solicitor and go NC

Unfortunately you I’ll have to check everything because people make mistakes but also because you’ll probably need to avoid soya which seems to be in a lot of non dairy alternatives. One of my relative’s babies had terrible cmpa and I found it quite hard to cater for his mum and him as a toddler as so many non dairy things had soya and so many things I had no idea had dairy in did. It can’t be easy for you but hopefully your child will grow out of it as many do. My relative has fully done the milk ladder now and is totally fine which is a relief but it has shown me how easy it is to make mistakes when you’re trying to be helpful and how tough it must be for parents of children with severe allergies to never really be able to trust others.

You are being over dramatic. I'm sorry about your DC's reaction, but really - your child, you check the ingredients, no matter what anyone else says. I'm sure your MIL did this by accident, there is no need to "rage".

As a fellow bf mum with a child with suspected CMPA I think this is a huge overreaction. I’m sure she didn’t do it on purpose (sounded more like she was trying to go the extra mile to be nice) and its a lesson learnt to yourself to be more a careful. Life is so short, is it worth falling out over this? Or making her feel bad? It wouldn’t be for me.

Oops. I hadn’t read that far.

I apologise.

Mil could be a leading paediatrician and still make a mistake reading a label. It does happen particularly as people get older. Take responsibility yourself as it's better to be annoyed with yourself for making a mistake than with someone else!

And yes you should definitely put your child's health above someone else's potentially being offended. Just say 'i prefer to check myself as I know it's easy to make a mistake'.

And health visitors don't know a lot beyond the very basics. Especially an older one who trained years ago. They are really for providing emotional support and signposting to other services, not dealing with medical conditions.

She sounds rather over bearing, and as though she is claiming to know more than she does, but if it was a genuine mistake then don't punish her - but don't be afraid to assert yourself to protect your child.

So OP, did MIL order the vegan ones and was given the wrong order? Because if so, that is still a big deal and whoever owns the bakers/was serving needs to know so as not to make the mistake again.
Or did MIL actually admit to buying generic brownies?

I’m vegan and never eat anything new without checking the packet first. The responsibility lies with you and not someone else’s ‘thinking they are vegan’. People have passed me stuff like sweets and said you can have these they are vegan and then when I look they have beeswax or cochineal in them. I wouldn’t dream of blaming them. So it’s down to me only to decide if I can or can’t have something.

It's a learning curve for everyone. And we always need to double check anything we're given to eat. Shoot, I even read labels of 'old standbys' just in case they've changed something.

I have Coeliac and there are only TWO people in my life that I trust 100% with selecting and preparing food for me without double checking and that's my two sons. They know gluten free inside and out. DH I trust 90%. He definitely knows the grains that are a no no, and he knows my favourite GF 'brands'. But he still doesn't know the 'secondary' ingredients that may be made from gluten grains.

OP it’s really hard with a child with food intolerances. DS4 is gluten intolerant and there was a time when he was little, under 2 and under 1 in particular, when even the slightest bit of gluten would have him screaming in pain, up every two hours etc.

PIL took a long time to even believe that food intolerance was a thing. First they thought I was making it up, then they chose to believe it was just that he didn’t like it, then they refused to make the effort to really learn what it was. As a result, I was very nervous about leaving him with them and didn’t very often. Every now and then though they’d have him while I was at work and, without fail, he would come home and react and they’d deny it.

It got to the point where I videoed him screaming in agony one night and sent it to them. I said that if I can’t trust them not to hurt my son, they wouldn’t see him unsupervised. MIL apologised and we’ve had a good 18 months...

Until FIL came back from holiday in February and I watched him offer DS a custard cream. DS is pretty good now though and said oh grandad is that really one of my special biscuits? Does it have gluten in?

That was all a really long winded way of saying I absolutely understand your anguish right now, especially as you’re having to eliminate it from your diet. When your D.C. are that young, the desire to protect them is so strong.

@AcrossthePond55

It's a learning curve for everyone. And we always need to double check anything we're given to eat. Shoot, I even read labels of 'old standbys' just in case they've changed something.

I have Coeliac and there are only TWO people in my life that I trust 100% with selecting and preparing food for me without double checking and that's my two sons. They know gluten free inside and out. DH I trust 90%. He definitely knows the grains that are a no no, and he knows my favourite GF 'brands'. But he still doesn't know the 'secondary' ingredients that may be made from gluten grains.

Secondary ingredients and things that aren’t literally labelled wheat are hard going!! I once made DS a gluten free cheese sandwich and, at the last minute, put some branston pickle on it. DS reacted that night and I couldn’t understand why until I realised it had barley malt in it. Even googling it, it says it’s below the amount considered to be gluten but DS had quite a big reaction!

At first I thought she pretended they were vegan as didn't think it was necessary to avoid but turns out it was a mistake which is unfortunate but not nearly as bad. She will check more carefully next time, you will double check next time. Be kind to yourself and MIL.

So spoke to MIL now we’ve calmed down.. MIL bought normal brownies. She ‘googled’ vegan brownies and then clicked through to this shop that do sell one type of brownie that’s vegan but the ones purchased weren’t vegan. The store didn’t send the wrong ones.

Christmas Day whilst everyone else was served delicious trifle I was served 3 x 1” cubed brownies ( in hindsight I should have got up and checked). Today I ate another 3 x 1” cubed brownies (yes I’m a little greedy but that’s another thread). So to the PP suggesting I’m trying to ‘cleanse’ myself by being sick.. NO I’m trying to half the reaction my son gets via my milk. I’m not giving a 6m old brownies. If I eat dairy it makes it way into my milk so if I remove milk product from my stomach it won’t reach him.

That doesn't add up. Why go to the trouble of googling where to get vegan brownies then not check the ones you were buying to ensure they were vegan. Almost as of she was trying to "catch you out" whilst trying to have "evidence" that she potentially did intend to get vegan ones...

If it helps to exonerate your HV MIL, I have had to correct two nutritionist when they suggested giving replacing milk with almond milk for a child who was allergic to milk, soya and... nuts.

Believe me OP, it will get easier with time but you need to be checking everything all the time as even familiar things change and you can find milk in mysterious ways... I never thought that ham or frozen chips could have milk until I started reading all the labels in detail.

I’ve had a serious nut allergy since I was a year old. As an adult I check any packaging on any food given to me by others and ask for recipes for stuff cooked from scratch.

DD has allergies too and I check everything she eats.

Even with 37 years’ practice my DM still occasionally makes mistakes but it’s my responsibility to look after my and DD’s allergies.

You sound to me like you’re massively overreacting and people won’t want to host you at all like this.

You sound annoyed about the trifle. Do you expect everyone else to have a dairy-free dessert at Christmas because you have to?

Perhaps the stress of a 6 month old and the CMPA have got a bit too much and you’ve over-reacted.

It was kind of her to source a special dessert for you. She made a mistake but her intentions were good.

Just double check in future but try not to hold this against her.

My DM is hugely supportive of our DD’s allergies but still misses reading labels the way I do and I double check and often find lovely things she’s bought us aren’t ok as dairy (or wheat in our case) our in so many things ). She always really sorry when realises as genuinely tries.

I also check every time regardless as some people never get it, and almost want to challenge a restricted diet . My DM realised for herself when saw DD react to a food and always means to be super careful but for friends etc until you’ve experienced it first hand it’s often never taken as seriously as by a primary caregiver

I definitely would assume your MiL meant well OP and would be really grateful but also politely warn her of the risk it unfortunately caused

Why didnt you bring your own dessert if you were annoyed over the trifle. My dc had sainsburys star fruit jelly thing with vegan squirt cream and vegan ice cream yesterday.