DMIL gave me ‘vegan’ brownies and DC is CMPA!!

[FTEngineerM]

I am raging, DCs face flared up yesterday evening and we were wondering why.

We have prescribed creams from GP hydrocortisone and moisturisers both in the bath and normal.

DMIL said ‘ I’ve bought you brownies from a vegan place you can have them
With the vegan ice cream I got you’ as our Christmas dessert.

Today we brought the box home as she was looking after dc for the night. They have milk in them!!!!! I’ve had 6 small brownies, tried to be sick but only a tiny bit came up.

No wonder his face is flaring up. I feel terrible for not checking, I trusted her. He will suffer now. How can I trust anything they do ever again.

Glad for MN once again, saves my conflict unnecessarily IRL?

To make dairy and soya free chocolate brownies get a Betty Crocker brownie mix (not the triple choc that has dairy in) and make up with a 150ml can of Coca Cola. Make sure the tin you bake it in has been well greased. I use rice paper on the bottom of the tin.
Any dairy free Betty Crocker cake mix will make with lemonade, Fanta or Coca Cola. A large cake such as devils food cake needs two can. Obviously you can’t eat the ready made icing. Buttercream can be easily made with vitalite and oatly

Youre very new to this journey and I know you can be a bit stressed at the beginning. I haven't had cheese since 2017 as DD won't stop BF and my baby before that was also CMPA. You are over reacting massively fyi but you haven't got into the swing of it yet.

Side note - I would cut soya too as actually that gives the same reaction for DS as dairy.

Its not your place to decide if you move forward. It's your husband's child too and his mum so you have to simply explain what went wrong and be more vigilant going forward.

It gets easier and less stressful, although you will still miss cheese .....

He is your son you should have double checked. It is a genuine mistake unless you thought she has done it deliberately.

It sounds like a tough situation for you. I strictly avoid some foods and am surprised what foods actually contain said ingredients, it’s hard work checking ingredients. There’s an app called food maestro that is helpful but difficult if items don’t have a barcode. You live an learn and this will just increase your confidence that this is your DC and you know what’s best despite MiLs profession.

You have to trust almost no one if you have severe allergies I'm afraid. DS was almost served his trigger food once by someone who was usually pretty clued up. I still check ingredients and he's in the habit now he's a teen.
And we rarely accept home made or shop baked goods. Too much room for error.

This does seem like an accident

Sadly with your own child. Only you and your husband truly need to re read everything. She’ll understand now because of this when you do check

I’m also the mother of a CMPA. Someone said above. You’ll make a mistake. It’s true. I did. I’m sure many others did. Having a CMPA is truly horrible. I don’t envy you. I didn’t realise how much milk is in. She has though said sorry. She didn’t check. You didn’t check. Mistakes all round

But don’t be too hard on yourself. We all make them. We aren’t superwoman.

I always check the ingredients myself.

Honestly though

You say you won’t move forward. You’re denying your son his own family. That’s not on. She didn’t do this it seems to scorn you.

Will you cut your own self off to your son if you make a mistake.

As someone who used to work with HV’s in the past unless things have changed for the better they don’t really know any better than a well informed mum.

OP I so, so feel for you. I have been EXACTLY where you are, although my ex mil it wasn't a mistake she actually was malicious and did not 'beleive' in allergies. It was a horrific time.

My baby was particularly sensitive and also it took ages for the CMP to leave my system too. But practically if you drink LOADS of water it does help. A few days and it should pass.

For everyone else and the whole' overreacting' try having a baby who if this happens to it means that they literally won't sleep for 2 weeks. Just imagine that and how insane you'd be. Their skin red raw and they can't get comfortable, not able to lie on their front or back only upright on a person or to be moving at all times. Their piercing 24 hrs a day screams and acidic vomit like the exorcist. Shitting themselves with a green gel that smells like vinegar.

If you have been there you know.

Hugs for OP

But if your child is highly allergic, why didn't you check the ingredients yourself? You shouldn't just accept what someone says... were the ingredients listed on the packaging?
If no packaging then you shouldn't have given them to your child, particularly as you're very careful.

Both my DC have allergies. DS is 13 and CMPA and there have been many many mistakes over the years, some which have ended in an ambulance journey. Mistakes will be made and you will make some too so don't go overboard on the blame.

Sounds like your MIL thought she had bought the right thing

I'm sorry this happened, having children with allergies is a nightmare sometimes. I thought I was doing well, ds2 got to 10 before I really messed up. It was a cheap as hell ice lolly which unfortunately had real fruit juice in it that tripped me up in the park.

[quote FTEngineerM]@Grilledaubergines correct. I realise the error of my own ways now it’s too late.

If someone of authority, who continuously asserts said authority, said that they didn’t contain milk and they’d gone out of their way to get non milk containing desserts, would you trust it?

I realise I need to assert my own authority over my own child. Which I will be moving forward.

It’s quite a unique situation I think, unless you’ve been a relatively clueless FTM with a HVMiL then it’s hard to describe. Some may see it as a simple mistake but it’s not the first time she’s been so lax. Which maybe makes my checking all the more necessary.[/quote]
OP, I’m sorry. I was unnecessarily harsh. And I do apologise, as it was unfair. I just felt that your reaction was drastic, but I’m not in your position so I’m really sorry for my unkindness.

It does get easier, I promise. But when I and others say you have to check everything, I literally mean everything.

So things that you would never imagine have milk in them. Salt and vinegar crisps for example, some wines

It’s ridiculous, milk is used for a lot of flavouring.

Bourbon biscuits don’t have milk in - there’s a lot of Bourbon biscuits eaten in our house. Watch out for stuff like guacamole- practically 98% of shop bought guacamole contains cream. Does my head in, it’s just a cheap filler. And my little girl loves guacamole but we can’t buy it unless it’s a certain brand which a lot of shops don’t stock. I need to get better at making myself!!!

Betty Crocker as well for cakes as no dairy - although they do use egg so not vegan

I promise, it does get easier. It seems so overwhelming but it will soon be second nature.

Oh and Oatly Barista - bloody fab

It’s a good lesson to learn because even most vegan places only really go truly vegan on their most basic cakes. Many a really expensive vegan place in London will happily use dairy icing and lie about it until the point you ask for allergy info.

If you are going dairy free it’s best just to refuse all gifts and not trust anywhere except the most generic chains.

Next time, I would not trust her because as others have said, people with no personal experience won’t get it. HV or not.

If she is making a comment aboUt you checking labels etc.. and that she knows/is the expert, just tell her you are the best expert about your own child. And experience (in general) has taught you to always double check.

I think you’re being a bit dramatic. You and your mum both made a mistake, something that is going to happen from time to time. Going forward, you’ll know to be more careful. I don’t think it needs all the dramatic declarations about trust and expertise etc.

If someone of authority, who continuously asserts said authority, said that they didn’t contain milk and they’d gone out of their way to get non milk containing desserts, would you trust it?

No sorry, I’ve learnt not to trust others in such situations. It’s why pharmacists always double check prescriptions that are being issued even though they usually impeccably trust those who bagged/bottled them up.

YABU and no matter what anyone says, even a menu, you need to double check every time. I know it’s tedious and I know how awful it is when your child reacts and you feel to blame but it sounds like this was a genuine mistake - your MIL thought she had bought you something that was dairy free and you didn’t check.

She did her best. If she asked for the vegan brownies and they gave her other ones then it’s not her fault and it sounds like a genuine mistake. Don’t be so up your ass about it and just explain to her.

My ex mil bought my son milky way stars he couldn't have cows milk and was actually only four months old at the time for once my then husband said something to his mom along the lines of ffs mom its not that hard the clue is in the name (blank look) MILKY way? MILKy way? (Realisation dawns) he is too young for solids anyway and proceeded to open them and eat them in front of her (which i think offended her more)

@GrumpyHoonMain

It’s a good lesson to learn because even most vegan places only really go truly vegan on their most basic cakes. Many a really expensive vegan place in London will happily use dairy icing and lie about it until the point you ask for allergy info.

If you are going dairy free it’s best just to refuse all gifts and not trust anywhere except the most generic chains.

Goodness, really? Which ones?

Mistakes happen.
My DS has Coeliac disease and I have glutened him on a few occasions. Of course I felt terrible but I remind myself that accidents happen and we are only human.

If someone of authority, who continuously asserts said authority, said that they didn’t contain milk and they’d gone out of their way to get non milk containing desserts, would you trust it?

She may have professional authority but she has no authority which supersedes yours as a mother and you have to assert this. Check literally everything.

Incidentally if your child has CMPA then it is reasonably likely that they may also be allergic to soy and you should cut this out too. If you haven’t up to now it’s just as likely that your child has reacted to soy from elsewhere.