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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DMIL gave me ‘vegan’ brownies and DC is CMPA!!

272 replies

FTEngineerM · 26/12/2020 19:18

I am raging, DCs face flared up yesterday evening and we were wondering why.

We have prescribed creams from GP hydrocortisone and moisturisers both in the bath and normal.

DMIL said ‘ I’ve bought you brownies from a vegan place you can have them
With the vegan ice cream I got you’ as our Christmas dessert.

Today we brought the box home as she was looking after dc for the night. They have milk in them!!!!! I’ve had 6 small brownies, tried to be sick but only a tiny bit came up.

No wonder his face is flaring up. I feel terrible for not checking, I trusted her. He will suffer now. How can I trust anything they do ever again.

OP posts:

Mommabear20 · 28/12/2020 13:03

You are the parent!
Even going on the assumption that she knew, why on earth didn't you check the ingredients if you know your child is so badly allergic to something?

Original poster

FTEngineerM · 28/12/2020 16:45

Yeah. I am viewing it completely differently now it’s been a few days.

I think I was so angry I’d eaten milk after months of the whole household avoiding dairy for me and DS I just saw red and directed it for the person who I trusted.

When we went to pick up DS we barely mentioned it, just that moving forward I will be checking/cooking everything and that don’t feel guilty or anything we didn’t check either. Honestly it probably would have been super awkward if I’d sent DMIL the message I wanted to before posting here.

But I figured MN is full of people probably MILs themselves, almost certainly lots older and wiser (and anon) who have probably been through allergies.

PPs are right, this is new, it’s only on me to check. I didn’t.

I’m not sure why some are so perplexed about me trying to be sick, it’s not like I’m trying to dramatically cleanse my soul after eating animal product. It meant that double the allergen reached my stomach/intestine so it was an attempt to half that.

And no, not jealous of the delicious trifle I have had it many times before hence me know it’s delicious, I was just setting the scene that I was purchased something separate and served it after dinner.

Firmly taking charge moving forward DS skin hasn’t got worse today so that can only be a good thing.

OP posts:

Clymene · 28/12/2020 17:20

You're being v gracious. Good luck - I hope he carries on getting better. And fingers crossed he grows out of it

Localocal · 28/12/2020 19:51

If the shop said they were vegan I think they are to blame, not your MIL. Ask her where they came from but assure you it's not her fault. You should have checked the box. She won't make that mistake again, having seen the consequences, so no need to make her feel worse or start a feud over it.

Missmonkeypenny · 28/12/2020 19:59

Hi OP, CMPA and soya allergy mum here. Also EBF.

You really don't need to make yourself sick if there is a slip up. It isn't necessary and I know its something a lot of mums consider in a panic but as i said, it isn't needed. Have you joined the FB group breastfeeding with CMPA and other allergies? I really recommend recommend, as well as the woman who runs its blog for useful information but also advice and support in situations such as this from women also going through breastfeeding allergy babes

Mamz · 29/12/2020 11:48

I haven't read through the whole thread but...

My oldest now 18 is dairy, egg allergic and was also soya. Trust is so hard, my in laws never managed to check food for her, but my parents I would actually trust above her father my husband to check things out. But over the years, we too have had a couple of accidents. It is so upsetting but the love the children receive from grandparents is invaluable. New improved recipes used to alarm me lots. You also find cheaper products often use less ingredients.

It is very alarming, but the thing I reassure myself with now, is that she is not anaphylactic, which my friends little boy suffers with nuts.

Mamz · 29/12/2020 11:55

I forgot to say, I too was BFing and had to stop dairy myself as she reacted to it.

What always stayed to me, was a register telling me at 20 monthes old, that the 3 bottles off formula she had been given due to my section scar abscessing and splitting had caused her to become sensitised. A few weeks later her consultant apologized, and explained that in fact because we were long term bfing, that had stopped her becoming a Failure to thrive toddler, needing a NG tube, as she was only digesting breast milk. Everything else flooded out off her body due to her reactions x

Mamz · 29/12/2020 11:56

Sometimes older people see the symbol for vegetarian and think it means vegan :(

ZippedyDooDa · 29/12/2020 12:13

So someone kindly bought you brownies and ice cream, specifically choosing types that they believed were suitable wrt allergies (which it seems you failed to check the ingredients of) - and due to the baker seemingly having made some sort of mistake, you now accuse the giver of being untrustworthy, as if they purposely chose something containing an allergen. Utterly entitled, selfish, blaming someone else for your mistake in not checking ingredients and lack of gratitude towards someone who tried to do a nice thing for you.

RedKite96 · 29/12/2020 12:14

How noble of you to only eat six

ZippedyDooDa · 29/12/2020 12:17

Glad it's sorted OP and everyone's ok

Whoopsies · 29/12/2020 12:34

My mil has a dairy allergy. I made her some biscuits for Christmas, I carefully wrote down every ingredient I put in them and showed her the dairy free butter I had used. She doesn't eat anything she hasn't carefully read the ingredients in. She says people can't be trusted to be as careful as she can be.

Apollo3 · 29/12/2020 12:43

That doesn't add up. Why go to the trouble of googling where to get vegan brownies then not check the ones you were buying to ensure they were vegan. Almost as of she was trying to "catch you out" whilst trying to have "evidence" that she potentially did intend to get vegan ones

The level of paranoia in some of you is epic. I truly hope you are seeking help for your mental health problems. That';s no way to live.

Whatwouldscullydo · 29/12/2020 12:54

There have been plenty of threads and many posters on this thread whis family who dont believe in allergies and deliberately give them stuff

Jackabobbo · 29/12/2020 13:30

@Whatwouldscullydo

There have been plenty of threads and many posters on this thread whis family who dont believe in allergies and deliberately give them stuff

One of my uncles did this to his wife/my aunt. They'd been married for at least 15 years at the time. She'd had an allergy her whole life which he apparently didn't believe in. He never cooked so it hadn't been a problem but they went for a meal in a restaurant one evening and he tricked her into ordering a dish that contained it. She got so sick that night and the next day, he didn't doubt her anymore but what a shit thing to do. Happy to say she divorced him in the end, though for other reasons.

InescapableDeath · 29/12/2020 13:35

Really feel for you OP. A lot of people don’t know what it’s like having a cmpa little one and being on high alert all the time then you trust someone and it goes wrong. She just made a (weird) mistake but it happens.

My daughters nursery accidentally gave her milk once! Thankfully it became proof she had outgrown the allergy (was in testing phase with a consultant overseeing).

I am now sadly lactose intolerant - I think because I had to be DF for a year while BFing.

Whatwouldscullydo · 29/12/2020 14:17

She got so sick that night and the next day, he didn't doubt her anymore but what a shit thing to do

My dd2 was cmpi when she was a baby.. honestly the amount of times I heard " a little bit won't hurt will it" was unbelievable. I think if the kids anaphylactic people might take it a bit more seriously i mean you can't argue with an epi pen. But if the reaction is delayed or is in rash form or they end up cranky for a few hours no one takes any notice. I remember being up most the night syringing out her nose trying to get her to sleep for more than 15 mins at a time befire I managed to convince the drs to allow me to try a formula. How many well meaning relatives with their "accidents" would actually be willing babysit that same night with a gunky grunting baby.

Madamum18 · 30/12/2020 18:05

Clearly an effort has been made; be thankful she isn't lecturing you on the allergy being "rubbish" ertc as many have to put up with!

It could be her mistake or the shops. Either way, best to have checked if your child is that susceptible, and never trust giving something unknown without checking....I expect you normally do and this time it just slipped a bit...a mistake, maybe like hers

How is your relationship normally? If you want a relationship, I think you need to discuss calmly and kindly with her so that she is ware, and move on Good luck

Madamum18 · 30/12/2020 18:06

....sorry I did not see your last reply before posting above!

pylongazer · 30/12/2020 22:15

Glad you've come to terms with this, I had a CMPA baby and the guilt you feel when they eat something they shouldn't is awful. However this is unlikely to be the last time so try to come to terms with it and you certainly shouldn't be making yourself sick. If it's making you anxious reach out for help, it can be so draining dealing with it.

PetertheWalrus · 30/12/2020 22:47

Sorry, how does anywhere vegan sell products with milk in them? I think this may be an honest mistake on her part.

Original poster

FTEngineerM · 31/12/2020 08:14

@PetertheWalrus & @Localocal

Read my PPs.. the shop isn’t vegan, it wasn’t the shops fault for sending the wrong brownies.

OP posts:

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