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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DMIL gave me ‘vegan’ brownies and DC is CMPA!!

272 replies

FTEngineerM · 26/12/2020 19:18

I am raging, DCs face flared up yesterday evening and we were wondering why.

We have prescribed creams from GP hydrocortisone and moisturisers both in the bath and normal.

DMIL said ‘ I’ve bought you brownies from a vegan place you can have them
With the vegan ice cream I got you’ as our Christmas dessert.

Today we brought the box home as she was looking after dc for the night. They have milk in them!!!!! I’ve had 6 small brownies, tried to be sick but only a tiny bit came up.

No wonder his face is flaring up. I feel terrible for not checking, I trusted her. He will suffer now. How can I trust anything they do ever again.

OP posts:
JacobReesMogadishu · 26/12/2020 20:04

I have a Dd with multiple food allergies and even I’ve made an occasional mistake. Got someone from M&S once, read the ingredients and it was all good. Missed the “may contain” under the ingredients and yes she was ill.

My advice is trust nobody. As I’ve got used to it I’ve learned and other people who don’t do it regularly don’t have that opportunity. We won’t even eat at MILs, we take food with us. I double check in every eating establishment. Actually I trust SIL, mainly because she has some of the same allergies so I know she understands.

Original poster
FTEngineerM · 26/12/2020 20:04

Are you going to be as hard on yourself on the day when you make a mistake

I am, yes. Maybe one day I won’t be Grin

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 26/12/2020 20:05

Then she lied which is odd....

Why do that?

Did she ask for vegan brownies or just pick up a box/packet?

Yes forget about feelings, always check. Always. If she begrudges u checking then that's her problem not yours

picklemewalnuts · 26/12/2020 20:05

Did she definitely give you the food that had dairy in? Are you sure she didn't give that to everyone else, and a separate one for you?

JacobReesMogadishu · 26/12/2020 20:06

Your poor MIL will feel awful I’m sure.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/12/2020 20:08

It was a mistake. This is new for all of you and mistakes do happen.

I'd calm down, let her know tomorrow and move forward. You're all learning

FirewomanSam · 26/12/2020 20:08

Ok, so either:

A) MIL asked the shop for the vegan brownies but was given the wrong ones
B) MIL thought everything in the shop was vegan and bought brownies thinking they were therefore vegan
C) MIL wants to poison your baby and deliberately fed you non-vegan brownies to do so

It sounds like you really don’t actually think it’s C, so either it’s an honest mistake by MIL or a very poor mistake by the shop. Chalk it up to ‘these things happen’ and go easy on both your MIL and yourself.

Lindy2 · 26/12/2020 20:08

DD was CMP intolerant and I know how it feels when you've made a mistake OP. So many people really don't get it or the seriousness of it. I was given food at a friend's house that I was assured was dairy free but the next day DD was covered in eczema, so it wasn't dairy free.

I felt so guilty even though it was a mistake. The problem is it's your baby that suffers because of the mistake not you which is harder to deal with. I imagine you feel the same.

There's no point getting too upset. Going dairy free for your baby is not an easy thing to do and you're doing your best.

Things I learnt though are to never trust someone without experience of allergies when they say that a food is ok. Always double check yourself.

It's also worth having a supply of expressed milk in the freezer that you know is dairy free and can be used if a mistake has been made. That way you can express and dump any contaminated milk and use the frozen reserves.

I hope your baby recovers soon.

mimi0708 · 26/12/2020 20:09

Yanbu. My DD also has CMPA and my parents and in laws don't really understand it no matter how me and DH explained. She has quite a bad reaction to it but they think it's just me and DH being sensitive so they always try to give her stuff with milk, or don't try hard enough, it's really tiring. I can't trust them and have to check and remind them eveytime. I do find that some people don't really treat allergies very seriously because they don't know how serious the consequences could be!!

icywarm · 26/12/2020 20:09

You are early in this journey. I have a 15yo CMPA child. You will slip up at some point, one way or another (usually without consequence, as either your child or someone else will notice). But it will happen, or it certainly has to most of the CMPA families I know! So I wouldn't be cutting anyone off for an innocent mistake, as it will likely to come back to bite you...

saraclara · 26/12/2020 20:10

@mrsm43s

She was told they were vegan and she didn't double check the ingredients list. YOU were told they were vegan and YOU didn't check the ingredients list. The ultimate responsibility is yours, since you ate them and you are responsible for keeping your child safe. How can anyone trust YOU to look after your child again? (Or maybe it was just an unfortunate mix up, and you will remember to check in future).
Yes.

You are massively over-reacting. You are going to have to get a handle on this. Like I say, I've been in your position. But you have to keep your calm and stop throwing blame around. You are making a complete drama out of this. Your child was in no danger of anaphylaxis. This was food offered to YOU and it was down to YOU to check it.

The shops, vegan or not, sold it to your MIL as vegan. She didn't unilaterally decide to mess with the diet. Jeeze, there are DMs and MILs out there who refuse to believe that allergies exist. Yours is at least going out of her way to get special food for you.

winewolfhowls · 26/12/2020 20:11

Sounds to me like the poor lady really tried to cater for you and made a mistake. If shop sells different types, maybe she asked for vegan and they made the mistake. Bet she feels awful about it.
Hope your son recovers soon.

Grilledaubergines · 26/12/2020 20:12

Your poor MIL.

OP, you really sound very unkind to me. Please try to be a better person going forward. With understanding and forgiveness.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2020 20:12

No, you don't trust her again, you only trust yourself.

Justcallmebebes · 26/12/2020 20:12

"And she wouldn't be seeing him again"

Jesus Christ

Bubbinsmakesthree · 26/12/2020 20:13

I know quite a few people who have breastfed dairy-allergic babies and I’m pretty sure all of them have messed up at some point, forgot to check ingredients or been told something was dairy-free when it wasn’t and only realised when their baby was sick, skin flared up or whatever.

It sounds like your MIL made an honest mistake and you could have checked the ingredients but didn’t. Lesson learned.

Ilovenewyear · 26/12/2020 20:14

@Goldencurtain the OP is bf. It will take weeks, maybe months to leave her system. The OP is following a special diet to try and prevent a flare of this nature.
The skin will be flaring but her child will no doubt be suffering tummy ache, lose stools and other physical symptoms.
It’s very rare to prescribe a stronger steroid for a baby. “Only hydrocortisone” is a heartless thing to say. Have you ever had to deal with a baby during a flare? Especially on their face. Jesus. They can’t sleep. They scratch and cause bleeding. They cry in pain and discomfort.

PFB indeed. You should be ashamed.

Soubriquet · 26/12/2020 20:15

It sounds like it was a genuine accident to me.

Perhaps she thought it was a vegan shop or she did order the vegan but was given the wrong ones.

Certainly doesn’t sound like it was deliberate

MabelMoo23 · 26/12/2020 20:15

My youngest has CMPA, you can’t be angry with her, I’m sorry but as the parent of a child with an allergy, the responsibility lies with you. You have to check every single label every single time. Ignore others who think you are over reacting, it’s just what you have to do

Vegan brownies shouldn’t contain milk, but my little one is also sensitive to soya so it may well be that there is soya in them, and that causes an issue as well as it’s so common for there to be an allergy to both

Highly unlikely she’s done it on purpose, she may well have gone to a lot of trouble to try and find something suitable

But YOU have to check, every single time. You cannot rely on others

NewLockdownNewMe · 26/12/2020 20:17

When it comes to allergies I think there are levels of trust:

  • trust them to believe it’s real
  • trust them to make an effort to provide suitable food
  • trust them to scrutinise all food and drink (and medicines, and lotions, etc etc) like you would.

In my experience, the only people who do the last are people with personal experience. I trusted my mum to make a (big) effort with my son, because whilst having dairy would flare his eczema and give him a dodgy tummy for a day, it wouldn’t have a serious impact. If there was the potential for an anaphylactic reaction, I wouldn’t have trusted her with him. I can easily imagine her going in to a health food store which sells lots of vegan products and assuming the brownies on sale were vegan.

noscoobydoodle · 26/12/2020 20:17

OP I get your anger and frustration- my DD has a number of food allergies and I also had to adopt a strict diet (no dairy, gluten, soya, a number of fruits and vegetables) and then weaned her onto that same diet. You are living and breathing this and your MiL is trying to do her best with it but made a mistake. Annoying yes, and I would be livid too, but it's a lesson learnt and it's box checking every time from now on and politely refusing anything homemade or without a label. And boxes have to be checked every time as ingredients change so frustratingly often.nmakensurebyoubalwaysbhave something to eat for you and your DC in your bag. If your MiL is happy to provide childcare for your DC then don't be too quick to cut her off! My MiL finds my DDs allergies very overwhelming so doesn't like to babysit (even if i provide the food) because she finds it hard to say no to giving DD 'treats' (DD is now 5) Hmm and don't get me started on nursery and school....

TheSockMonster · 26/12/2020 20:18

There is a human tendency to assume negative intentions and character flaws to the misdeeds of others, whilst writing our own wrong-doings off as bad luck and innocent mistakes.

Can you look at the situation with an assumption that your MIL tried her very best?

saturnrover · 26/12/2020 20:18

Totally agree with MabelMoo

I have allergies and just can't trust anyone.

Apart from one friend who has a daughter with allergies and another who is a chef and gets it.

What I do is:

Take any gift.
Never ever eat it (apart from the above).

Other people don't get it.

Yes you have to be the person to say NO and you will have to teach your child to constantly say no when offered food.

MabelMoo23 · 26/12/2020 20:19

But also, once you’ve done the initial elimination, dairy does pass through your system really quickly. And all bf dairy free mums slip up. It’s human nature. I’ve done it. And you feel shit, but it does pass quickly.

My little one is 3 now, and we’ve had slip ups. It’s not nice but it does happen

Tal45 · 26/12/2020 20:19

Maybe she bought more than one box of brownies and accidentally gave you the wrong one?