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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DC got nothing from their siblings..

485 replies

Pip899 · 26/12/2020 15:30

I have two children with DH age 2 and 3, DH also has two older children with his ex ages 8 and 9. The children have a lovely relationship with each other and the older ones dote on the youngest two.

For Christmas I bought the DSC gifts from me and also gifts 'from' my two. Buying 'from' the kids is something DH has always done but most importantly (because it's relevant) it is something his ex has always done too, for other people on behalf of the kids.

DSC arrived today to spend the night with us and have a second Christmas of sorts, they had a big pile of presents waiting for them with at least 5 being labelled as being from my DC.

DSC brought with them a present for DH that their mum gave them the money to buy - but nothing for my two DC.

I have no hard feelings toward the children whatsoever, they don't have money, I feel like this is their mother being petty.

AIBU to think this is almost spiteful?

It's the principle of the matter, even a chocolate bar would have been a nice gesture so it's not me being grabby.

OP posts:
Australia17 · 27/12/2020 21:06

This is your DH job, really nothing to do with his ex wife. Buying for her childrens school friends is completely different. I imagine (if she thought about it) she would think it was your husbands job. Direct your anger at your husband.

Faith77 · 27/12/2020 21:07

YABVVVU
If my ex spawns more children, it will be his and his (poor, naive) partner's responsibility to get them gifts! They can say they came from my daughter, Santa, the tooth fairy, whoever they like, but I won't even spend a couple of quid on them, because I struggle enough to meet my own daughter's needs on the pittance he gives in maintenence, and more children will be his excuse to reduce that even further. (He's a financially, emotionally abusive twt, though, which, hopefully, your DH isn't).
Could THAT be why there is a certain amount of resentment from the ex-wife?
If you want your children to have presents to open at the same time as their step-siblings, just keep some back from Christmas Day! At 2 & 3, they wouldn't be able to read the labels and know who they came from anyway! In fact, why say who any of the presents came from? They are just family gifts 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you specifically want your DC to have gifts from your DSC, then you or your DH need to purchase them, because expecting the ex-wife to do it is a pss take.
And, for the record, who she does or does not buy gifts for is absolutely none of yours or DHs business. Neither of you control what she spends her money on, and to even put it up for discussion is wrong. Maybe you need to have a look at why she may be holding some resentment towards you if you believe you should have a say in how she spends her cash?

Bookworming · 27/12/2020 21:10

I really don't get the logic of she buys for the school friends, so your DH does even less?so your DH doing nothing means that his ex should do everything?

Perhaps he should do school friends birthday presents?

He's not really parenting them well is he?

Cadent · 27/12/2020 21:13

@Faith77

How many kids have you spawned?

funinthesun19 · 27/12/2020 21:23

Faith77 And you spawned a kid too...

winniestone37 · 27/12/2020 21:28

Grow up. This is your husbands job not their Mum’s.

LouJ85 · 27/12/2020 21:28

I think it’s more intended as a slight against the father, not the children. That he has just sauntered off to create a new family and left the old one behind.

And it's precisely this assumption that leads to projection^^ on here. In my case, my DP was cheated on and financially screwed over (I'm talking serious fraud, the lot) by his ex wife. He "sauntered" into my life 5 years ago from that situation, none of which he created. He has 2 kids with his ex, and we have our first on the way. Technically, me and the unborn baby would be considered the "new family" he has created. Yet on here, he would be judged instantly as having "sauntered off, leaving behind" the first family, which he had no hand in destroying in the first place. And that's why it becomes wearing to constantly see comments to that effect on here.

Mdmd · 27/12/2020 21:30

Sorry I tagged the wrong person previously.

Reluctantsportsmum · 27/12/2020 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouJ85 · 27/12/2020 21:31

@LouJ85 and @funinthesun19 my reply was to op in that she has a relationship so that is why she might feel she might feel she should buy

I personally don't think she should feel that she has to buy anything for children who aren't her own. I certainly don't.

funinthesun19 · 27/12/2020 21:32

I think it’s more intended as a slight against the father, not the children. That he has just sauntered off to create a new family and left the old one behind. And the reason it’s rarely levelled at women is because typically women remain the primary caregiver/resident parent to all of their children.

Yes but don’t you see how rude it is towards the younger children AND the mum of the younger children, to hear other women refer to the children like they’re a piece of shit on someone’s shoe?

The mum of the younger children is most likely the primary caregiver of them AND children who aren’t her own when they are there (the dsc), so it really does get women’s backs up when their children are referred to as things like spawns and second batch of children.

I’m a resident parent to my own children and I have been a stepparent and I have been a stepchild since I was 11. My children may have a stepmum one day. So I come at this from all angles.

Faith77 · 27/12/2020 21:35

@Cadent
Just the one. As for her father... Goodness knows how many he could have lurking out there. I suspect he's quite prolific in sowing his wild oats 🙄
However, if he were to settle down and play happy families, and the new wife tried to make me feel guilty for not buying her toddlers selection boxes, I would be saying "f you", too. Not to, or about, the kids, obviously. I wouldn't hold a grudge against the "new" kids, because they're innocent in it all. But a wife who still expected me to mother my ex & wipe his ase for him, & poked around in my private business? Yep. Definitely a big f you to that.

funinthesun19 · 27/12/2020 21:37

I think no matter how nice a new partner would be you’d be saying a big F you to her.

Yeahnahmum · 27/12/2020 21:37

You are beyond U op.... jeez..

Faith77 · 27/12/2020 21:38

@funinthesun19

Faith77 And you spawned a kid too...
Yep. And I regret who her father is on a daily basis. Wouldn't change her, but I would definitely change who her father is. We live and learn.
funinthesun19 · 27/12/2020 22:00

Yep. And I regret who her father is on a daily basis. Wouldn't change her, but I would definitely change who her father is.
We live and learn.

We do. I wish my children’s father was different too. But I would never project my feelings about him on to anyone else.

My ex’s ex wife didn’t like him therefore she didn’t like me as she saw me as guilty by association and she also didn’t like my children’s existence.
To be fair to her, he is hard work. For lots of reasons I won’t go in to. But I am not him and neither are my children, so I don’t take kindly to my children being referred to as spawns or anything else rude and derogatory.

Mumkins42 · 27/12/2020 22:27

So I can chip in from the other perspective here. I am the ex with the older child and my son is the oldest with two younger half siblings. I really like to go shopping with my child and buy presents from us to his half siblings. My child gets lots from his father and stepmum.
I'm not entirely sure of my true motivation in doing this. I much prefer no bitterness, anymosity or tension between me and them for the sake of my child and enjoy the ritual of buying something for my ex's kids. I kind of want my son to know I care about your siblings even though they aren't mine.
There maybe is a bit of a fuck you message being sent by refusing to return the gesture. I think it would be decent to reciprocate your gesture but you have to just accept not everyone has the same standards. Just let it go. It's such small fry drama in the grand scheme. It is so annoying how the father's so often get excused of any responsibility like they're 5 year old little boys who don't know any better or need mothering. It's a good point that he is more than capable of facilitating the gesture

funinthesun19 · 27/12/2020 22:51

I am the ex with the older child and my son is the oldest with two younger half siblings. I really like to go shopping with my child and buy presents from us to his half siblings. My child gets lots from his father and stepmum.
I'm not entirely sure of my true motivation in doing this. I much prefer no bitterness, anymosity or tension between me and them for the sake of my child and enjoy the ritual of buying something for my ex's kids. I kind of want my son to know I care about your siblings even though they aren't mine.

I think it’s really lovely you feel that way and do what you do. I would be the same as you.

I still go out and get my children’s older half sibling presents from my children for birthdays, even though I don’t have to and really it’s my ex’s job to do it.

Mamanyt · 27/12/2020 23:36

If you had not been routinely buying gifts "from" your DC to their stepsibs, I would have voted differently. But you do, and have been. Personally, I kinda think it is more up to the custodial parent to sort things like that out, but that's just me. Unless, of course, there is a big income inequality, then the parent with the much larger income should handle it.

Buffs · 27/12/2020 23:53

Dad’s job.
Ex wife could have had a lot of things on her plate you’re not aware of. Christmas is really hard work particularly for women with children it’s unlikely to have been a deliberately hostile act on the ex wife’s part.
Dad should have done that job.

LizB62A · 27/12/2020 23:54

YABU - it's for your children's dad to sort their presents, not his current wife.

scubadive · 28/12/2020 00:11

We don’t do Xmas presents between siblings, only at birthdays. There’s too many people to buy for at Xmas and they only have so much pocket money. At that young age it’s so obviously from the parents what’s the point in the distinction.

christmasathomeagain · 28/12/2020 00:34

[quote LouJ85]**@LouJ85 and @funinthesun19 my reply was to op in that she has a relationship so that is why she might feel she might feel she should buy

I personally don't think she should feel that she has to buy anything for children who aren't her own. I certainly don't. [/quote]
You are missing the word 'might' feel she should buy. I don't for one minute think she should buy anything but she already does and she might be doing that BECAUSE she has a relationship with her step children. You know, because she knowingly got into a relationship and then had children with someone with children already. Doing that MIGHT make her feel she should buy presents for these children. I don't think she should have to.

The ex had no choice in this. She has no reason to buy any gifts. The only one with an actual obligation to but gifts is the dad of all four children. I have been clear on this point since my first post.

Please stop using part of my comments out of context for your own agenda.

Celestine70 · 28/12/2020 00:35

YABU. If you want all the children to s wop gifts it's up to you and your husband to facilitate this. Men are generally crap at this. Did he get his older kids to buy a gift for the mum?

chaosmaker · 28/12/2020 00:55

@Pip899

She funds gifts for school friends who are nothing to do with her though?
Completely up to her who she buys for