To think I've cured my alcoholism?

[whenwewereyoung10]

I'm a 28 year old single mother. This time 2 years ago I was in the depths of despair, I was literally drinking all day everyday, from the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed. This time two years ago I was in my kitchen with a glass of red wine, vomiting on the floor whilst taking gulps of red wine in between.

I was ruining my life, I was missing work, losing weight at a rapid speed, ruining friendships and my ex had my daughter full time as I couldn't be trusted to have her.

In January 2019 I asked for help and got it, I started attending alcohol counselling, went on antidepressants and became sober. I sorted my life out, got my daughter back to me full time, started excelling in my job and got a promotion. The dark clouds shifted and genuinely life has been a real pleasure.

However, during lockdown I started drinking again. No real reason for it other than that I felt I had sorted my problems and was now able to drink.

It's been 9 months now and I drink around once a week, sometimes only one drink, sometimes getting bladdered. I've stuck to my rules, such as not drinking when my daughter is in the house, not drinking two nights in a row, not drinking in the mornings etc. And I truly feel like I can take or leave alcohol now.

It dawned on me last night when I was sitting down and had one Baileys and didn't even finish it that made me think how much my relationship with alcohol has changed. I would never have been able to have just the one Baileys 2 years ago, never mind not finishing it.

Yes I have been drunk a few times but has always been socially and I can go in between drinking without it even entering my mind when it used to be a struggle to get through an hour.

I usually would think that this was only short term and that inevitably my drinking would creep up once again, however, it's been 9 months now and no change. I can genuinely say I am happy with every aspect of my life, including my alcohol intake. I genuinely feel like a changed person.

AIBU to believe I have genuinely cured my alcoholism?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I understand what you are saying. My daughter is honestly the most important thing in the world to me and if I was told tomorrow to not even allow myself one drink or I would lose her then I absolutely would stop without a doubt.

If I believed or noticed that I was using alcohol as a crutch or it was sneaking up again I would stop, I wouldn't risk losing my daughter. I am very mindful and aware of my consumption. I don't allow alcohol in my house at all when my daughter is here, none of my friends or family are allowed to even have a glass of wine in my house whilst she is here because I don't ever want her around it again.

Just to be clear, not that it makes a difference but I never lost custody or guardianship of my daughter. My drinking was bad and so I told her dad who then offered to take her for a month or two so I could sort myself out. I still had her a couple times a week, just never overnight. And that month that her dad had her I used to sort myself out/stop drinking. Been drinking again for 9 months and my daughter is none the wiser because it doesn't impact my life anymore therefore doesn't impact hers.

If I believed or noticed that I was using alcohol as a crutch or it was sneaking up again I would stop, I wouldn't risk losing my daughter. I am very mindful and aware of my consumption.

Sorry OP I do appreciate you replying but you say this AND say you can take it or leave it, it doesn't make you funnier, more fun etc.

So you are actively choosing the risk of relapsing over your daughter. You're saying the benefits of something you claim you can take or leave are worth you taking it, despite saying the benefits aren't great and knowing the effects of relapse would be catastrophic.

Can you see how people are thinking that?

My daughter is honestly the most important thing in the world to me and if I was told tomorrow to not even allow myself one drink or I would lose her then I absolutely would stop without a doubt.

Literally just change 'I would lose her' to 'I would risk losing her' and that really is the state of play.

and if I was told tomorrow to not even allow myself one drink or I would lose her then I absolutely would stop without a doubt.

Why would you need to be told? Ordinary social drinkers don't talk like this.

Get honest. You are lying to yourself and it is painfully obvious to anyone reading your words

If you could genuinely “take or leave” a substance that you have been addicted to and actually cost you your daughter, why the fuck would you actively chose “take it”??

You wouldn’t

Therefore you can’t take it or leave it. You need it

That’s the problem

If I believed or noticed that I was using alcohol as a crutch or it was sneaking up again I would stop, I wouldn't risk losing my daughter. I am very mindful and aware of my consumption.

It’s not just about using it as a crutch. It’s also about drinking to excess. As long as you are doing that, you’re not in control and you haven’t fully conquered your alcohol use.

I think you just need to carry on with AA if you’re doing it, or start it if you’ve only had private alcohol counselling. You could talk all of this through with the group.

@TatianaBis not trying to be confrontational or argumentative but from your logic, anyone that has ever been drunk has an alcohol problem and is not in control of their alcohol use?

You're kidding yourself OP. My ex thought he had done the same. Having a drink to 'be sociable'. Drinking because he wanted to not because he needed to. He hasn't seen our DC in almost a year.

I think complacency is the first step towards a relapse. I honestly believe you are an addict for life. Yes sometimes we can handle your substance of choice like other people can, but we'll always end up in a place of pain..

[quote whenwewereyoung10]@TatianaBis not trying to be confrontational or argumentative but from your logic, anyone that has ever been drunk has an alcohol problem and is not in control of their alcohol use? [/quote]
This wasn't to me but I feel like the answer is obvious.

Anyone who had to hand over their child to live in another home due to their alcohol use has an alcohol problem and would be wise to choose being sober over drinking at all, particularly when they are conscious they need rules to keep it under control.

Many people have asked and you've avoided answering - if you can 'take it or leave it' why not leave it? Why is a Baileys and even the smallest risk of relapse (as you see it, though statistically the risk is high) worth more than the care of your daughter?

I'm not being argumentative either, but I just cannot see how you can justify that. Especially if you can take it or leave it and say it doesn't elevate your personality (or perception of it) and isn't a crutch.

No because it depends on the context. If someone with a history of serious alcohol misuse, to the point they had to stop parenting for a while, is still getting hammered, that’s a sign they’re not fully in control of their use.

It’s very common for people doing treatment for mental health or behavioural issues to think they’re ‘cured’ or ‘fixed’ long before they are. The process of overcoming issues is long and effortful and can be a bit boring.

[quote whenwewereyoung10]@TatianaBis not trying to be confrontational or argumentative but from your logic, anyone that has ever been drunk has an alcohol problem and is not in control of their alcohol use? [/quote]
It's been 9 months now and I drink around once a week, sometimes only one drink, sometimes getting bladdered.

Were you 'in control' when this happened during the nine months you say you've had a healthy enough relationship with alcohol to believe you don't need to be sober?

Even the fact that you are giving your alcohol use so much thought is concerning.
Normal drinkers tend not to think much about how much they are drinking.
I think you are playing with fire to be honest. You might get away with it, but why take the risk?

Why are you drinking again? Out of interest?

The taste? The buzz? A crutch? Genuinely interested.

I haven’t drank for 3 years and I’ve toyed with the idea. But I did 9 months before and then drank again. Introducing it slowly.

Adhered to strict rules to control over it (red flag anyway- anyone that needs strict rules around booze probably shouldn’t be drinking it)- one two drinks....just at weekends etc

Gradually, it became worse than ever and more difficult to get out of. It took another two years of hell to break the cycle again.

Think carefully. My advice is don’t get cocky or complacent. You've come this far. This won’t end well.

How would you feel if you couldn’t drink on the nights you’d planned to? Agitated? Upset?

My drinking got so bad, I developed psychosis and asked Social Services to take my children whilst I wasn't well enough to look after them. I then had to go through a 9 month legal battle to have them returned to my care, to ensure I was able to provide 'good enough' parenting. Having lost my daughters, I would never be stupid enough to pick up alcohol. You want to play Russian Roulette with your daughter? Go ahead. It's the path you're travelling.

Sounds to me like you're cured. Forget all these naysayers on here.

I'll say it again:

It is not the case that every person who has abused alcohol at one point in their life, regardless of the severity of the abuse, will continue to battle with alcohol for the rest of their life to the extent that every drink they have is a risk to themselves and those around them.

There isn't one kind of alcoholic.

In my experience, once you have a drink problem you have a drink problem. You might go through phases - even long phases lasting years - when you are able to control it and it may even feel easy. But life is long, shit happens...and alcohol is always there waiting.

This is only my personal opinion, I know. I believe addiction is a lifelong affliction, and only by recognising that and taking measures to deal with it on a regular basis (including complete abstinence) can you have any sort of chance of keeping it at bay. That’s been my experience, and I have been around long enough to have seen the sane is true in others. The only problem drinkers/alcoholics/whatever you choose to call them I know who have managed to sort their lives out long term are the ones who abstain completely and have some sort of alternative plan - a recovery programme or such like. That’s 100% my experience, anyway.

Just to clarify for all those confused about what an alcoholism is- this is broadly the WHO definition

"a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by continuous or periodic: impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial.

OP note, the disease is often progressive and fatal... and distortions in thinking, most notably denial.

I'm an alcoholic and I recognise this 100%. I think you do to too.

And "use of alcohol despite adverse consequences" stealing your family's peace of mind and losing access to your daughter were not adverse enough?

I'm sorry but your daughter is not your priority. Your relationship with alcohol is.

As a recovering alcoholic I've met quite a few of us and the road we all followed was trying to control it, seeking validation and denial.

Get yourself off to the first AA meeting you can, you need the discipline to keep you off the drink otherwise you will go back to the beginning again. Go to every meeting you can & stay away from the drink, clear any you have in your home, don't mix with anyone who drinks & get yourself clean again. Every time you fall off the wagon, you make it harder to get back on.

I am not a medical professional. The below is my opinion.

OP, broadly speaking, there are two camps you could fall into: alcoholic or problem drinker.

If I thought you were an alcoholic, I'd probably be joining the others in saying your best bet is abstaining completely.

However, I don't. I think you are/have been a problem drinker, based on the information you have provided and definitions from the below sources and:

www.alcohol.org/alcoholism/or-is-it-just-a-problem/

www.verywellmind.com/problem-drinker-63280

Please give the above a read and see where you think you fit.

I think the incident with your daughter was the 'scare' you needed to change your habits. You appear to have done this, and are now moderating your drinking. You are able to have one drink and stop at that. You are able to go without drinking for days at a time. You aren't thinking about alcohol all day. You don't suffer mentally and physically when you aren't consuming it. These are all good signs, and point to your past issues being caused by 'problem drinking' rather than 'alcoholism'.

I would definitely recommend following through on your suggestion to do dry January as it will give an even better indicator of your position.

Problem drinkers very often go on to reform their drinking behaviour. Problem drinking (which includes binge drinking) is very common for people in their late teens and early twenties, as well as people who go through a difficult time emotionally or physically. The majority of these people go on to moderate their drinking:

www.verywellmind.com/can-alcoholics-learn-to-drink-moderately-67719

I think the majority of people in life (and on this thread) are unaware of the difference between alcoholism and problem drinking. They see someone who drank too much in the past to the point it caused suffering and think Boom! Alcoholic. Get in your pen. Funnily enough, they probably drink more than you.

The incident with your daughter will have closed off discussion for most people. They're no longer be interested in your side of the story. They're judged you - dangerous alcoholic mother - and nothing you can say will convince them otherwise, they'll just say you're deluding yourself.

My advice to you is to reiterate what I said in an earlier post:

1. Don't think of yourself as 'cured' - this will lead to complacency
2. WRITE DOWN what you're drinking, and BE HONEST with yourself.
3. Congratulate yourself! You've come a long way from a dark place and have done really well!

@sararh What an irresponsible post!
How could you read the original post and encourage this woman to even consider drinking again? Her child saw this. What on earth is wrong with you?

This time 2 years ago I was in the depths of despair, I was literally drinking all day everyday, from the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed. This time two years ago I was in my kitchen with a glass of red wine, vomiting on the floor whilst taking gulps of red wine in between

the AA model is not the only model. Not every professional substance misuse organisation believes alcoholism is a disease that can only be ‘cured’ by abstinence. There are many different ways to supporting someone with a drinking problem.

OP , your situation has been very serious. My view would be that you get support from a community alcohol team via your GP. It would be helpful for you in planning for the future and in developing strategies around your drinking.

I think there is a lot of advice on this thread that is very well intentioned but some of it is not particularly well informed. My advice would be to seek professional support.