To think I've cured my alcoholism?

[whenwewereyoung10]

I'm a 28 year old single mother. This time 2 years ago I was in the depths of despair, I was literally drinking all day everyday, from the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed. This time two years ago I was in my kitchen with a glass of red wine, vomiting on the floor whilst taking gulps of red wine in between.

I was ruining my life, I was missing work, losing weight at a rapid speed, ruining friendships and my ex had my daughter full time as I couldn't be trusted to have her.

In January 2019 I asked for help and got it, I started attending alcohol counselling, went on antidepressants and became sober. I sorted my life out, got my daughter back to me full time, started excelling in my job and got a promotion. The dark clouds shifted and genuinely life has been a real pleasure.

However, during lockdown I started drinking again. No real reason for it other than that I felt I had sorted my problems and was now able to drink.

It's been 9 months now and I drink around once a week, sometimes only one drink, sometimes getting bladdered. I've stuck to my rules, such as not drinking when my daughter is in the house, not drinking two nights in a row, not drinking in the mornings etc. And I truly feel like I can take or leave alcohol now.

It dawned on me last night when I was sitting down and had one Baileys and didn't even finish it that made me think how much my relationship with alcohol has changed. I would never have been able to have just the one Baileys 2 years ago, never mind not finishing it.

Yes I have been drunk a few times but has always been socially and I can go in between drinking without it even entering my mind when it used to be a struggle to get through an hour.

I usually would think that this was only short term and that inevitably my drinking would creep up once again, however, it's been 9 months now and no change. I can genuinely say I am happy with every aspect of my life, including my alcohol intake. I genuinely feel like a changed person.

AIBU to believe I have genuinely cured my alcoholism?

@rosie1959

An alcoholic is someone who has permanently lost the ability to choose

So you can't label anybody an alcoholic until they die, then, because you don't know what's permanent until you've seen their whole life.

Otherwise you're just labeling people 'Oh, he'll definitely always have a drinking problem...' when people can and do turn their lives around.

How can you tell if it's permanent?

OP Well done on coming as far as you have!
I don’t have an addiction nor do I know you so I can’t comment on your situation, how you are handling things now vs then etc.
You do say you can take or leave alcohol, and I think if you believe there’s a risk of you becoming an alcoholic, or it having damaging effects on your life (like losing your daughter again as one example) then I would think it makes sense to just leave it and not ‘play with fire’
It feels like such a minimal pay off, for such a high risk.

However we all have our thing that helps us get through life. I think you have to just be really honest with yourself and consider if this is really ‘recovery’ or just an excuse to be a ‘functioning alcoholic’ (I’m not saying it is, just that you need to have those conversations with yourself)

Is it possible you weren’t an alcoholic, but just in a bad place and happened to be drinking a lot?

How would you feel now if someone said you can’t drink for 4 weeks? - does that sound possible? Reasonable? Scary? I think your answer would tell you everything you need to know.

Many on here think they can label another an alcoholic but quite frankly they havent a Scooby unless they have been there

Many think they know what complete strangers have a scooby about...

I lived with an alcoholic for 16 years.... why would you ever ever gamble with your daughters well-being and having her live with you for half a baileys or once a week drinking??

What's so important about 1 drink why not just not take the risk!

@Baileysoncereal that's what I am leaning towards, that I drank to self medicate and deal with my depression as being sober and alive was really really painful and I needed something to numb the pain. Now I don't have that pain inside me I don't feel the need to numb anything, because quite simply there is nothing to numb. When I drink it is purely because I want to, not because I have to. I can stop after 1 or 2 drinks which is something which genuinely would have been impossible for me a few years ago.

I do understand what others are saying, for instance, what about the next time I'm depressed but through counselling I have learned healthy coping mechanisms and honestly I have had some low times since lockdown, alcohol no longer enters my mind during those times.

I could stop drinking for a prolonged period of time without any difficulties now.

@Baileysoncereal I'm actually going to do dry January. Not to prove to myself I can go without but simply because I want to. Doesn't sound scary in the slightest, in fact I'm looking forward to it.

Why do you drink at all then OP?

@sararh,correct

@whenwewereyoung10 great, I’m really happy for you that you feel so much better and you’ve done so much work on yourself

If it’s just a coping mechanism that can also be an issue so please just be aware of that.
I do have anxiety and that comes with some unhealthy coping mechanisms. Through lots of counselling it’s under control, but sometimes at the strangest time (even when I sometimes haven’t recognised that I’m anxious/ have been really much more anxious other times with no issues) I can find myself falling back into those unhealthy patterns, and talking myself into thinking it’s ok.
You’re not me, and I’m not saying you would do that, but it’s certainly something to think about and again a reason I say just not drinking at all is at least clear cut and you know you’re not accidentally ever on a slippery slope.
I appreciate that isn’t realistic or wanted by lots of people though.

I also think lots of people here are coming at this with their own experiences of alcoholism and projecting that onto you. I suppose only you, your ex and your DD know the situation though.

I hope it all works out well for you

@Baileysoncereal yeah I understand what you are saying and will definitely keep it in mind. Thank you!

I think it depends on the reason for drinking to excess. Like you, it's been a way of coping with my MH issues. I suffered with PTSD for many years as a result of childhood SA and I had distressing flashbacks. What I needed was therapy to deal with the underlying reasons why I was drinking to excess. I saw a psychotherapist and had EMDR, which helped me move past the trauma of the past.

Some of my MH issues are still there. I can get anxious and low and I find that drinking a glass of wine does help me relax. As does a cup of tea (as long as I don't have one later on in the day, in which case I can't sleep) and chocolate. All these things are potentially damaging, if done to excess. Hence why I stopped when blood tests showed my liver function level to be raised. And I'm also overweight, and I know I need to lose weight.

And I also don't think that having to train yourself not to drink too much means that you're unable to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, necessarily. I also have to discipline myself not to binge on chocolate or comfort eat in other ways.

You've certainly done well to get to where you are, OP.

Eckhart only the person affected has the right to decide if they are alcoholic
I havent drunk alcohol now for 16 years but I know without conviction that I will never be able or want to drink again
I would have thought before this happened to me that anyone who drank a lot was an alcoholic I am now through experience much more enlightened on the subject
Only another alcoholic can understand the mental torture of alcoholism its not about just drinking too much

I've been alcohol free for 3 years, I can never have a drink again because one drink will lead to another & the cycle will start again. Don't put yourself in the way of temptation, it isn't worth it.

@Mittens030869 I also had EMDR to deal with childhood trauma. That's what I feel has helped tremendously, dealing with my underlying issues has naturally resulted in me not needing to use alcohol as a crutch. I feel a complete change in myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually the past year or two and I'm just not the same person that I was. Can't explain why or how, I'm just different. Thank you, Well done to you also!

@rosie1959

I agree completely. I must have misunderstood your previous post. I'm sorry.

Well done to you for coming thus far, you’re obviously doing really well.

But I think if you’re still getting “bladdered” then saying you’re in “complete charge” of yourself is premature. You literally not in charge of yourself when you’re hammered for a start.

I think that doing dry January sounds like an excellent plan. You may find that it is a kickstart for you to stop drinking entirely.

Or perhaps not. It does seem that you are trying to justify your drinking and reacting defensively to a thread with many well-intentioned posts that may not be what you would like to hear. As someone quoted above: "the idea that someday, somehow he (the alcoholic) will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker." That is certainly a pattern that is repeated over and over among those with a problematic relationship to alcohol.

You may be the exception to the rule. Who knows? But it wouldn't be something I would gamble on, myself. The stakes are too high IMO.

Eckhart no problem its not the easiest thing to explain

You have an awful lot of hubris talking confidently about being able to go without alcohol for " a prolonged period". It hasn't been nine months! Hardly a long time for an ordinary person to go without a drink.

I wish your daughter well. She will need strength.

You are kidding yourself about your inability to cope with alcohol. Your best thinking has already got the better of you.

What would it hurt to heed the advice of the majority in this thread? It wouldn't hurt you at all. But you're latching on to the support of the minority because you cannot imagine a life without alcohol.

It took my ex (and me) many years to realise and accept that he is an alcoholic. This is because after stopping ridiculously heavy phases of drinking (that anyone who saw would define as a serious problem), he could go months or even years without drinking at all, or just have one drink every week or two - his 'reward' for being able to drink 'sensibly'. He just liked the taste of a few drinks and would only have one every now and again for long periods of time. Then eventually it would be one every week, then one twice a week, then a couple twice a week and finally he'd have three, vanish 'out' and not come home for three days. Then he'd be so regretful and afraid he'd embarrassed himself when drunk (couldn't remember at all), he'd swear off the drink forever and it began again.

I would be very, very careful, OP. And if I'd lost my child over my drinking, I'd never want to risk slipping back into that situation again. Family and friends tend not to be as helpful and supportive if you end up in that situation repeatedly, I'm afraid.

@whenwewereyoung10

And I truly feel like I can take or leave alcohol now.

I know I don't need it, it doesn't make me funnier, smarter, happier, more confident etc.

If you can take it or leave it then why not leave it?

It is something that meant you lost care of your child.

You are putting self imposed rules in place to have something that in the past ruined your life, in the present doesn't add anything meaningful to your life and in the future could ruin your life again.

Something that lost you care of your child. And something that cost your child the security and safety a mother provides.

You chose alcohol then because you are an alcoholic. You are choosing alcohol over sobriety now because you are an alcoholic.

You cannot risk relapsing and it is selfish to be doing so considering you have a daughter who has already been affected in the past.

Sorry that's probably hard to hear but it's important.

Well said @FirewomanSam

Much wisdom there. I think people do make this artificial distinction between ‘alcoholics’ and ‘non-alcoholics’ without any real clearly defined basis for the difference (as far as I’m aware alcohol is simply an addictive sort of substance and has the potential to be habit-forming for most people given enough exposure and/or the right/wrong set of circumstances, etc.).

As far as I am aware, there is not any proven biological or neurological predisposition for alcoholism and its not some sort of inherent trait restricted to certain individuals.

I have heard people distinguish between ‘being an alcoholic’, ‘having a dependency on alcohol’, ‘developing a drinking problem’, ‘going through a patch of heavy drinking’, etc, etc. and it seems that people’s various personal conceptions of ‘an alcoholic’ differ greatly.

The truth is that anyone who drinks needs to be mindful of their relationship with alcohol – I.e. not falling into the habit of using it as a crutch, avoiding drinking if they are depressed or anxious. Right?

Sorry but no I know if I have a drink it will go badly that is why I just don’t, each day I treat as if it my first day off it and am happier for it.

I think part of the level of response on this thread is that OP lost responsibility for her child due to alcohol use before.

So it feels like a hell of a risk to start drinking again, more than someone who maybe was single and in a bad place mentally when they were previously problem drinking.

It's unfathomable to many people to even run a small risk of it getting out of control again when you have a child, particularly with the odds stacked against you as I believe (happy to be corrected) that most people whose alcohol use has previously been so problematic they've lost custody / guardianship, anything but sobriety ends up in relapse.

OP, surely your little girl is worth more than the odd baileys if you really can take it or leave it? That's why people don't believe you really aren't that bothered about alcohol now, because the risk is so so so not worth it with your daughter, health and stability at stake if it leads to relapse.

eckhart binge drinking, is to me, an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Plenty of people do it. It it an unhealthy relationship with the drug but I don’t feel it necessarily makes everyone who binge drinks an alcoholic.