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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I make him go home?

157 replies

yorkie99 · 26/12/2020 10:06

Dad came to visit for Christmas Day (both single adult households so all fine support bubble etc), he lives a couple of hours away. I thought I’d made it clear it was just for one night but he’s just dropped in he plans to stay again all day and tonight (and who knows, longer?!). I have an 8 month old baby and I was really looking forward to spending the day with him in our pyjamas and just the two of us. Dad is also very uncommunicative and I’ve just had to retreat upstairs as we were sat in silence for an hour and it’s not even 10am. AIBU to want him to do one? And how do I get him to leave without hurting his feelings?

OP posts:
redcandlelight · 26/12/2020 10:11

And how do I get him to leave without hurting his feelings?

well, he's not exactly careful about not hurting your feelings, is he?

tell him that he needs to leave. you had a lovely christmas together but now it's time to part company.
maybe you have a dr or hv appointment for dc that you forgot about?

AlwaysCheddar · 26/12/2020 10:13

How is he getting gone? Can you offer to give him food for his journey home later today?

AlwaysCheddar · 26/12/2020 10:14

Hone, not gone!

AlwaysCheddar · 26/12/2020 10:14

Home!!!

ApolloandDaphne · 26/12/2020 10:18

You can either tell him bluntly that he was only welcome for one day and needs to go home today. It might hurt his feelings but it is honest. Or you just spend the day hanging out in your pyjamas with your DC as you planned. Focus on your child and chatter away as you would normally. Just sort of pretend your DF isn't there. Pop the TV or radio on as background. He might get the hint that he is not welcome?

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 26/12/2020 10:23

This makes me so sad. For both of you. Is his company so difficult that it's totally ruining your day ? I ask because maybe he's lonely and just wants to be around you/ somebody even if he's not saying anything ? I should add I lost my dad last month so maybe this is affecting how your post reads. Relatives can be a pain to entertain but it's horrible when they're not around for good.

genie10 · 26/12/2020 10:23

Wow.....he's your dad and it's Christmas. Just make him welcome for this short time.

Rainbowshine · 26/12/2020 10:26

What did you say when he said about his plans to stay longer?

“That’s not what we agreed Dad, it doesn’t work for me so you need to go home as we arranged. You can’t assume it’s ok to just stay, that’s actually very rude but I won’t make it a thing if you just stick to the plan to leave this morning”

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 26/12/2020 10:27

I’m sorry this is hard. But there’s no way I could bring myself to ask him to leave. I would suck it up.

Timmytoo · 26/12/2020 10:28

He's your dad so presumably you don't need to entertain him and why can't you sit in your pajamas if they're not revealing 😂. I'm assuming again that you lived with him for years whilst he brought you up. If not then ignore post.

Original poster
yorkie99 · 26/12/2020 10:28

@nogooddeedgoesunpunished

This makes me so sad. For both of you. Is his company so difficult that it's totally ruining your day ? I ask because maybe he's lonely and just wants to be around you/ somebody even if he's not saying anything ? I should add I lost my dad last month so maybe this is affecting how your post reads. Relatives can be a pain to entertain but it's horrible when they're not around for good.
I’m sorry for your loss x We were estranged for a good few years and were only reconciled when DC was born. It all feels very awkward still. I think he probably is lonely but I don’t see how he can be enjoying this, yesterday was nice but I’ve literally run out of things to say now.
OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 26/12/2020 10:29

My dad is very difficult.

If I were you I’d just carry on with your day as planned. Don’t pander to him. Tell him he’s welcome to help himself to a cup of tea/sandwich.

I’d struggle to throw him out today, though you should, but would say something like: “ what time are you heading home in the morning?”

WouldBeGood · 26/12/2020 10:32

People saying, “oh he’s your dad! Relax and be nice” type stuff clearly have very different parents. It would be lovely if life was like that for everyone, but it’s very much not. I feel for you @yorkie99

billy1966 · 26/12/2020 10:32

I think you will have to spell it out to him.

"Yesterday was nice Dad but you will need to head home as I have plans."

Original poster
yorkie99 · 26/12/2020 10:32

@Timmytoo

He's your dad so presumably you don't need to entertain him and why can't you sit in your pajamas if they're not revealing 😂. I'm assuming again that you lived with him for years whilst he brought you up. If not then ignore post.
No he left us when me and DB were very little and has always been in and out of our lives. He’s quite complex and not easy to be with. He’s trying to make up for it by being a good grandad and I don’t hold any grudges about the past but keeping company does not come naturally.
OP posts:
CovidCarol · 26/12/2020 10:33

@Rainbowshine

What did you say when he said about his plans to stay longer?

“That’s not what we agreed Dad, it doesn’t work for me so you need to go home as we arranged. You can’t assume it’s ok to just stay, that’s actually very rude but I won’t make it a thing if you just stick to the plan to leave this morning”

Would you really say that to someone? It’s so rude.
Original poster
yorkie99 · 26/12/2020 10:35

@WouldBeGood

People saying, “oh he’s your dad! Relax and be nice” type stuff clearly have very different parents. It would be lovely if life was like that for everyone, but it’s very much not. I feel for you *@yorkie99*
100% agree
OP posts:
Mintjulia · 26/12/2020 10:35

Why sit in silence? Turn the tv or radio on.

Live your life exactly as you had planned. Keep your pjs on, play with your baby on the living room floor, eat cold leftovers for the next two days. Be as noisy & natural as you wish.

In my house he would be welcome to stay but may get sick of it and leave of his own free will.

If that doesn't work, I find leaving the fridge empty usually gets rid of seriously over-staying men. 😊 Go vegetarian, have a health kick, start redecorating the lounge. He'll work it out.

RedHelenB · 26/12/2020 10:36

Tell him then. He chose when to be in your life and you ve every right now you're an adult to decide when you want him in yours. However, I doubt he is a mind reader so it will need spelling out to him.

ShirleyPhallus · 26/12/2020 10:36

@Rainbowshine

What did you say when he said about his plans to stay longer?

“That’s not what we agreed Dad, it doesn’t work for me so you need to go home as we arranged. You can’t assume it’s ok to just stay, that’s actually very rude but I won’t make it a thing if you just stick to the plan to leave this morning”

Do people really talk to other people like this? It’s so rude!
Emeraldshamrock · 26/12/2020 10:38

Tell him you had plans today.

Rainbowshine · 26/12/2020 10:39

@CovidCarol yes but then I have family who don’t get subtly delivered messages that don’t match their entitled and selfish attitude that everyone should waltz around them.

RedHelenB · 26/12/2020 10:40

Agree that's rude and can't imagine it being said.

redcandlelight · 26/12/2020 10:44

@RedHelenB

Tell him then. He chose when to be in your life and you ve every right now you're an adult to decide when you want him in yours. However, I doubt he is a mind reader so it will need spelling out to him.
^^ this

you need to tell him. self absorbed people don't 'see' hints. they need it spelled out to them.

tell him it was lovely to have him for christmas, tell him that now he needs to go home, tell him that you will arrange another meet up with him 'soon'.

good luck!

Girlzroolz · 26/12/2020 10:46

Give him jobs. Lots of jobs. Seem very grateful and enthusiastic about his long list to get through.

Sounds like he disappears at the first sign of real life, with real children in it.

Job done.

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