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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can I make him go home?

157 replies

yorkie99 · 26/12/2020 10:06

Dad came to visit for Christmas Day (both single adult households so all fine support bubble etc), he lives a couple of hours away. I thought I’d made it clear it was just for one night but he’s just dropped in he plans to stay again all day and tonight (and who knows, longer?!). I have an 8 month old baby and I was really looking forward to spending the day with him in our pyjamas and just the two of us. Dad is also very uncommunicative and I’ve just had to retreat upstairs as we were sat in silence for an hour and it’s not even 10am. AIBU to want him to do one? And how do I get him to leave without hurting his feelings?

OP posts:

SheeshazAZ09 · 26/12/2020 11:31

Some good advice here but I would just add some advice that I received from a therapist and that made a big difference to me at the time. That is: It does not need to be your job to fill silences or entertain others or try to jolly them along/keep them happy, unless you wilfully choose that role. If your dad sits in silence, then let there be silence, or fill it with sounds of your choice--TV, music, etc.

Fivefatsausages · 26/12/2020 11:33

You have 365 days of the year to do as you please.

Don’t send him home - it will hurt his feelings. He probably wants to develop a relationship with his grandchild but doesn’t know how to / awkward. Why don’t you suggest they go out for a walk together?

I’d never send someone home. He is probably enjoying himself in his own way. My parents bug me no end but they love me and my dd1 very much - I do anything so they can spend more time with her, even if means I miss out a bit.

Tbh, I think you need a reality check - you seem to be very selfish.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 26/12/2020 11:33

He sounds like my brother who always overstays his welcome and does not pick up on non verbal cues. He is on the ASD spectrum and although highly functioning needs things like this spelled out to him.
That being said I'm still not very good at asking him to leave and often end up inventing appointments etc which is much harder to do when everything's shut.
I would tell him you did not realise he would be staying longer and ask if he would mind helping out with some jobs if you just can't ask him to go.
Sorry not much help but you have my sympathy.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2020 11:38

OK so quite a large drip feed from your OP there!

Even so, your words "how do I tell him to do one" come across as deeply unpleasant.

If he wasn't around when you were growing up and you can hardly stand his company for 24 hours, then it would be better not to have him in your life, rather than be boiling with resentment about him.

category12 · 26/12/2020 11:38

Tbh, I think you need a reality check - you seem to be very selfish.

He's the one who is selfish. For years growing up when OP needed him as a dad, he was shit and absent and flitting in and out of her life, now she's an adult and a mum, he wants to sit in her home and enjoy her hospitality and play at happy families .

Catsup · 26/12/2020 11:38

I think I'd say - it's been lovely having you here. Shall we get a takeaway for tea as a treat and then get you home? I'd then say something about needing an early night blah blah...

WhatTiggersDoBest · 26/12/2020 11:38

Wow the amount of people on this thread who seem oblivious.
"It's Christmas, let a stranger manipulate you into becoming their keeper"
This is what the common spotted ex-husband Disney dad matures into.
Tell him to go home. You don't owe him the life he walked out on.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2020 11:41

@grapewine it would have been better if the OP had including the information in their OP about their father not being in their life - that was more than just a small dripfeed!

Maves · 26/12/2020 11:42

Jeez some people would give anything to have a dad still or a dad that gives a shit stop being mean! Plus your son is 8 months old? Pj day? Come on.

Veiaola · 26/12/2020 11:47

Jeez wish my dad could visit, he died a number of years ago.

sleepyhead · 26/12/2020 11:49

In his head he probably imagined something different as well. He may habe been assuming a lovely few cosy, fun Christmassy days with the 3 of you as a smiley happy family.

But he doesn't have the social skills to pull it off, you both don't have the relationship history for it to be natural, and it's all going to fizzle out like a damp squib.

Im sorry op, it sounds horribly awkward. Maybe you could give him today - by tomorrow he'll likely be ready to leave anyway once he realises the reality doesnt live up to the plan.

May09Bump · 26/12/2020 11:53

@Catsup

I think I'd say - it's been lovely having you here. Shall we get a takeaway for tea as a treat and then get you home? I'd then say something about needing an early night blah blah...

I think this is good - not rude but moves him on.

Chickychickydodah · 26/12/2020 11:54

Just say to him that you have plans for tomorrow and that he needs to leave at 10 am .
Let him have today, give him the baby and do some jobs around the house . Put some music on and leave him to it ...

Original poster

yorkie99 · 26/12/2020 11:54

Sorry about the drip feed! Didn’t occur to me that this would be important but yeah he wasn’t a great dad. I’ve had a hard time getting pregnant (solo mother by choice) and it’s the first time I’ve been happy at Christmas for years and years and it’s because of my little boy, I guess I just wanted to enjoy that. I don’t not think this is selfish!

OP posts:

aeiouaeiouaeiou · 26/12/2020 12:00

Maybe accept he's staying today but make it clear at some point today that he will be leaving at 10am or whatever as you have plans.

saraclara · 26/12/2020 12:01

"What's the plan today dad? What time are you planning to set off?"

Magissa · 26/12/2020 12:04

I'm sure he is happy to just be with you. My dad was the same. We had a strained relationship at times but we were both to blame. We would be together in a strained silence. Things changed when he became ill and eventually disabled. I would visit him daily in his care home. I tried to be upbeat and chatty with him and I found out more about him in those last two years than I did in my whole life. What I found out made me realise why our relationship was the way it was.
Just offer your dad cups of tea etc. Do your thing with your baby. Show him what a good mum you are. He can bask in your baby's happiness.

Clymene · 26/12/2020 12:07

@saraclara

"What's the plan today dad? What time are you planning to set off?"

Yes, do this. You're going to have to be blunt. Men like this rely on women being kind and polite. And this thread shows why it works - because so many women allow themselves to be manipulated

Tal45 · 26/12/2020 12:07

You deserve to enjoy your Christmas too. You spent one day entertaining you deserve a day for yourself too x

namechangefail2020 · 26/12/2020 12:09

I thought could only come for one day under the rules so just say Boris has been on the phone.

namechangefail2020 · 26/12/2020 12:09

Oh sorry bubbles are different aren't they. Awks then

BorderlineHappy · 26/12/2020 12:11

@Veiaola and @Maves did you read hes an absent dad by choice.He abandoned the op.

My mam and dad are dead its not a stick i use to beat people with.Hes a crap dad and she doesnt want him there.

I think @yorkie99 the only thing i would do is get dressed and go out with your dc.

SinkGirl · 26/12/2020 12:13

@MushMonster

Why do you want him to leave? Seriously! Do you realise how lucky you are? Who is not comfortable to stay in their PJs all day long with their father? How many people wish they could have their family with them? And yet you are already bored of it! If you said he is demanding, I could be a bit sympathetic, but he is even a quiet one!

Are you kidding?

I was abused by my father - should I be inviting him round for Christmas, and delighted if he chooses to stay longer than planned?

OP’s father didn’t give a shit about her as a child, why should she be grateful that he’s only around when it suits him?

My mum died and I’m missing her terribly this Christmas, but I still empathise with OP and understand why she wants him gone.

Original poster

yorkie99 · 26/12/2020 12:14

Yes it definitely feel more like a guest than family and I did give him a big old Christmas dinner yesterday and made it nice for him. Anyway, I’ve gone out with the dog and left him at home with the baby!

OP posts:

billy1966 · 26/12/2020 12:15

@yorkie99

OP, He made HIS choices over the years to be a shit dad and drift in and out of your life.

You were very generous to have with you yesterday.

He doesn't get to choose for you howmuch time ye spend together.

He sounds like a very selfish .an who actually hasn't changed.

Be firm today.
Be firm going forward.

He doesn't get to play hapoy families on HIS terms.

You have every right to suit yourself and should.

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