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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I make him go home?

157 replies

yorkie99 · 26/12/2020 10:06

Dad came to visit for Christmas Day (both single adult households so all fine support bubble etc), he lives a couple of hours away. I thought I’d made it clear it was just for one night but he’s just dropped in he plans to stay again all day and tonight (and who knows, longer?!). I have an 8 month old baby and I was really looking forward to spending the day with him in our pyjamas and just the two of us. Dad is also very uncommunicative and I’ve just had to retreat upstairs as we were sat in silence for an hour and it’s not even 10am. AIBU to want him to do one? And how do I get him to leave without hurting his feelings?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/12/2020 10:47

Weird that being rude somehow doesn't include a guest who has chosen to stay longer than arranged, possibly breaking covid regs and generally continuing lifelong crappy behaviour towards his kids.

No... tis the woman, the child in that relationship that is wrong, rude and needs to suck it up!

As has been said, people who don't have difficult parent have no idea how hard it can be just getting along with them.

OP he is trying to be a good grandad... what do you get out of that effort? Is he really being a good grandad or is that just how he guilts you into letting him back into your life?

You can just tell him to sod off. Your kids don't need him... not do you!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/12/2020 10:47

Weird that being rude somehow doesn't include a guest who has chosen to stay longer than arranged, possibly breaking covid regs and generally continuing lifelong crappy behaviour towards his kids.

No... tis the woman, the child in that relationship that is wrong, rude and needs to suck it up!

As has been said, people who don't have difficult parent have no idea how hard it can be just getting along with them.

OP he is trying to be a good grandad... what do you get out of that effort? Is he really being a good grandad or is that just how he guilts you into letting him back into your life?

You can just tell him to sod off. Your kids don't need him... not do you!

MushMonster · 26/12/2020 10:49

Why do you want him to leave? Seriously! Do you realise how lucky you are? Who is not comfortable to stay in their PJs all day long with their father? How many people wish they could have their family with them? And yet you are already bored of it!
If you said he is demanding, I could be a bit sympathetic, but he is even a quiet one!

Cyw2018 · 26/12/2020 10:50

Unless there is some sort of back story, it seems very sad to push him out alone so quickly.

Some people don't talk a lot but are comfortable in the silence and still feel lonely without company, as illogical as that may seem.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/12/2020 10:52

"Hey dad, sorry but I really need you to head home today. I've got loads to get sorted for next week and need to get your bedding in the wash and put away. I'll pack you a lunch for your journey"

Clymene · 26/12/2020 10:52

Why don't some of you read the OP's posts? She's said he left when she was tiny. Poor woman barely knows the man! He's not much of a father and she owes him nothing

OP - how is he planning on getting home?

MushMonster · 26/12/2020 10:53

Ok I should have read all your comments beforehand. It looks like you do not actually know him that well.
I would suck it up for another day. Try to make it a bonding time. You do not have to talk at all all the time. Just feel comfy and relaxed around each other.
At least, he is bothering to be part of the family now.
Does he play or interact with your little one?
I second giving him some tasks. I bet he will appreciate that.

AtlasPine · 26/12/2020 10:55

Could you sit him down and say how lovely it is to start to connect with him again and for your baby to have him in his life, but you need to take things slowly as you’re used to your own company? Make it ‘you’ not him. He might be staying because he doesn’t want to leave you alone - I’m sure he’ll be fine if he goes home. But it would be nicer for all if he left with a sense of love.

Enidcat5 · 26/12/2020 10:58

My dad and I have a very strained relationship and I would find this equally as stressful. People who have good relationships with their fathers don't get it at all. I cannot relax around my dad due to his past behaviour and having him in my house puts my husband and I on edge. I would not want him to stay any longer than agreed.

I think you need to subtly ask what his plans are and say you have plans to go out / do something.

ElizaLaLa · 26/12/2020 11:07

Let's hope your child never thinks of you or treats you this way in the future, eh op?

nosswith · 26/12/2020 11:09

I cannot see how it can be nice, but sometimes it is reasonable to want to have time alone with a young child.

Just tell him.

MaskingForIt · 26/12/2020 11:12

Dad is also very uncommunicative and I’ve just had to retreat upstairs as we were sat in silence for an hour and it’s not even 10am.

A companionable silence is a lost art these days. DH and are have been in the same room all morning and have barely said a word for the last two hours. He’s pottering away on his computer and I’m knitting and stroking the dog. There is some trash TV on in the background. Bliss.

Lemmeout · 26/12/2020 11:14

Aghhh!! Yanbu! I absolutely cannot bear this.
I would probably be a coward and quietly seeth but it seems like you need to gently ask him to go.
I hate it when people come to “keep you company” for as long as “they” want to.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/12/2020 11:14

@ElizaLaLa yeah well I doubt the OP is going to leave her baby when he is a little child and not spend any decent time with him until he has his own child.

Good grief, have you no idea how shit some parents are? The op has done more than is kind, by having this hopeless father to her house for Christmas Day. She is a saint.

OP I hope you can find a diplomatic way to ask him to stick to your agreement.

Babyroobs · 26/12/2020 11:17

@genie10

Wow.....he's your dad and it's Christmas. Just make him welcome for this short time.
Yes exactly this.
IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 11:21

We were estranged for a good few years and were only reconciled when DC was born. It all feels very awkward still.

This makes more sense then OP. It's very much like having a guest then not family staying. It's much harder with lockdown and you can't pretend you have plans! I would just be clear that you have things to be getting on with and you need to stick to the original arrangement.

Poppingnostopping · 26/12/2020 11:24

Who is not comfortable to stay in their PJs all day long with their father?

Me, I would never do this. I spend about two hours max with him, and then he's out the door. It's a tricky relationship and if we spend longer together, he acts worse and worse, a polite go and meet and chat event is much better.

Not everyone likes their parents, and not everyone feels relaxed enough to put on PJs around them and just have fun. It wouldn't be fun. I'd say 'we are going out later, when are you heading home, can I make you a cuppa/lunch before you go?' and arrange it right now.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2020 11:25

So presumably he took care of you for at least 16 years of your life, but you want to kick him out of your house after a day so you can stay in your PJs. Your DC could do the same to you one day, is that OK with you?

Sorry to judge, but that's how it comes across.

Poppingnostopping · 26/12/2020 11:26

Another tack is just to say it's against the rules now on Boxing Day so sorry dad, you'll have to get back. You can't turn up for one night and then just decide to stay for a few more when you don't have a good history with someone! Staying with relatives always has to be a negotiation, I can just tell he's a difficult person because he didn't properly ask at all, he just announced he was staying. Unfortunately you will have to directly announce that he isn't. I'd get my partner to do this if I wasn't feeling up to it myself.

coldwaterfeed · 26/12/2020 11:27

So he was an absent dad who now wants to be a dad and grandad when all the hard work of raising children was done by their mum.

Tell him you've got plans and he needs to go.

Has he lifted a finger with cooking, dishes or anything?

category12 · 26/12/2020 11:29

There's no way of getting out of this that isn't slightly hurtful.

So I think you should just say "it's been lovely having you Dad, but I just want to have some quiet time with the baby, shall I help you get your stuff together - shall we make arrangements to see each other again [New Years Day/a weekend in January or whenever]?"

It's not your job to sacrifice your comfort and happiness for the sake of a relationship that he screwed up. Do what makes you happy.

Poppingnostopping · 26/12/2020 11:30

Your DC could do the same to you one day, is that OK with you? My children aren't very likely to do that as I didn't abandon them as a child and we have a warm and loving relationship. That said, if they didn't want me to stay over or their partner just wanted a day as a family, I'd be more than happy with that, I wouldn't hang about like a bad smell on Boxing Day!

Backwardsuptheescalator · 26/12/2020 11:30

Let's hope your child never thinks of you or treats you this way in the future, eh op?

Hopefully OP isn’t going to walk out on her DC and disappear for years so chances are she won’t be in such a situation.

category12 · 26/12/2020 11:31

@daisychain01

So presumably he took care of you for at least 16 years of your life, but you want to kick him out of your house after a day so you can stay in your PJs. Your DC could do the same to you one day, is that OK with you?

Sorry to judge, but that's how it comes across.

Nope, you might want to read OP's actual posts about the relationship rather than making out she's rejecting the perfect dad Hmm.
grapewine · 26/12/2020 11:31

@daisychain01

So presumably he took care of you for at least 16 years of your life, but you want to kick him out of your house after a day so you can stay in your PJs. Your DC could do the same to you one day, is that OK with you?

Sorry to judge, but that's how it comes across.

But that's not how it was. Reading the OP's posts shows that.