How can I make him go home?

[yorkie99]

Dad came to visit for Christmas Day (both single adult households so all fine support bubble etc), he lives a couple of hours away. I thought I’d made it clear it was just for one night but he’s just dropped in he plans to stay again all day and tonight (and who knows, longer?!). I have an 8 month old baby and I was really looking forward to spending the day with him in our pyjamas and just the two of us. Dad is also very uncommunicative and I’ve just had to retreat upstairs as we were sat in silence for an hour and it’s not even 10am. AIBU to want him to do one? And how do I get him to leave without hurting his feelings?

Personally, I’d leave him for today. If he’s still there tomorrow then tell him he needs to go. YANBU, but I would find it too awkward to Chuck him out on Boxing Day.

@nogooddeedgoesunpunished

This makes me so sad. For both of you. Is his company so difficult that it's totally ruining your day ? I ask because maybe he's lonely and just wants to be around you/ somebody even if he's not saying anything ? I should add I lost my dad last month so maybe this is affecting how your post reads. Relatives can be a pain to entertain but it's horrible when they're not around for good.

Exactly this

But did you actually read this properly, when she said he wasn't around when she was a child and only got to know each other when her baby was born? This is not a normal dad-daughter relationship at all - he's virtually a stranger.

If you are in the UK the COVID rules currently do not allow overnight stays in any tier.

@TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum

If you are in the UK the COVID rules currently do not allow overnight stays in any tier.

But support bubbles (which the OP said they are in) are treated as one household. So it is ok.

Although if the OPs dad doesn't know that perhaps that could be the excuse to get rid of him. Give him lunch, pack him up with some leftovers and a plan to meet in the new year and snuggle on down with baby.

Gosh l think you were jolly nice to invite him in the first place all things considered.

Agree you should say 'it was lovely to see you, l am really looking forward to spending time with my son alone now'

surely you let him get on with what he wants to do and vice versa

@ElizaLaLa

Let's hope your child never thinks of you or treats you this way in the future, eh op?

Presumably the OP isn't going to treat her DC the way her father treated her?

I feel for you, we had this with MIL and have just managed to bundle her into a taxi as she was trying to break us down with 'oh but I am going to be alone until the next time I come up here (Monday)'

While its sad that she is alone, she seems to think the fact she is alone means she can basically move in with us. We have neither the tme, nor the patience to have her here 24/7 yet it always feels horrible putting the foot down and telling her she needs to go home, as we get tears and emotional blackmail and everything.

Annoyingly, I knew this would happen too, as we used to let her stay odd times, and that morphed into her expecting to stay every weekend and it took a long fight to stop that. I knew letting her stay on xmas eve would cause longer issues, but the thought of her being alone on xmas morning sftened me. So its basically our fault for doing something nice for someone, and now we will be punished for it for ages

All thata worked for us is being firm, and stcking to it despite any comebacks that seem specifically designed to upset you. Its an awful situation though. But if you do not force it, you wll be walked all over. Or, thats what happens to us anyway..

time, nor the space, nor the patience that should have read.

I mean, we have the little ones in the same bed when MIL stays here, which we don't mind for the odd night (and they love it!) but she seems to think they should spend teir lives sharing a bed so she can use one of theirs, which is obviously hugely unfair and unreasonable.

I can’t understand why this is the person you have chosen as your support bubble , you need to be a bit pickier . However for a good way to get him out explain that you have made arrangements for whatever the date is in 10 days with someone else so need to isolate from his bubble to be able to do your new one in 10 days time .

I understand but think I’d just do as you are doing. Go about your day and don’t treat him like a guest today. You don’t have to make chit chat. Maybe you’ll come to a place where you can just be around one another and not feel you need to entertain him.

Hope he will be a good grand dad and a help to you as a mother, and that it will make up somewhat having been a poor father.

@genie10

Wow.....he's your dad and it's Christmas. Just make him welcome for this short time.

Invalidating OP's feelings isn't helpful. It's Christmas for her too. Why does Dad get to have what he wants when OP doesn't?

I don't think you're being selfish AT ALL OP.

Irrespective of the fact that he was a crap dad, everyone has a right to want time to themselves and to want to get rid of house guests who have overstayed their welcome.

But, the fact that he was (is) a crap dad, makes it even harder for you.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking him what time he's leaving today and remind him that he was only supposed to be staying one night. Hopefully he'll get the hint.

I really hope that he buggers off soon. I feel your pain

I think people are forgetting that this relationship has not been very good for OP.

I totally get this (similar circumstances) and I think it’s not unreasonable to expect things to progress very slowly after a recent reconciliation.

I’d maybe agree to one more day but then I’d be making plans (real or otherwise) to be seeing friends early the next day and arranging for him to leave at that point.

@nogooddeedgoesunpunished

This makes me so sad. For both of you. Is his company so difficult that it's totally ruining your day ? I ask because maybe he's lonely and just wants to be around you/ somebody even if he's not saying anything ? I should add I lost my dad last month so maybe this is affecting how your post reads. Relatives can be a pain to entertain but it's horrible when they're not around for good.

This.

Weird that being rude somehow doesn't include a guest who has chosen to stay longer than arranged, possibly breaking covid regs and generally continuing lifelong crappy behaviour towards his kids.

No... tis the woman, the child in that relationship that is wrong, rude and needs to suck it up!

These were my immediate thoughts, too. Rudeness only seems unforgivable when it's females who are administering it. For the sometime-dad who absents himself from her life at will and then imposes his company for longer than agreed - over Christmas no less - apparently an outsize piece of CF'ery is all in the day's work

Those with loving, non-dysfunctional family relationships don't seem to understand this kind of predicament. The place of adults is to protect and care for younger, vulnerable people. Children were not born to appease adult feelings: grandchildren are not props to provide penance for grandparents who know they have failed as parents.

My MiL is one of these. Before the DC came she troubled to contact my DH all of about twice a year. She forgot his tenth birthday. She used her children as pawns in her dysfunctional marriage, frequently doing flits to her mother's house in the middle of the night dragging her confused, upset children in her wake. Her own mother had to warn her that if she continued in this vein the protection services would likely intervene.

There's a long backstory as to why, but I no longer see her and DH fully facilitates the relationship between the DC and MiL. I've stepped back and play no part in this at all.

This isn't a case of a daughter throwing her poor, lonely, long-suffering daddy who's done everything for her and lovingly raised her to adulthood. She owes him nothing, not even the conventional obligations of a child to a parent.

OP: I suspect the only way you can get your father to leave is to ask him to do just that. Subtle hints are unlikely to hit their mark with these types, unfortunately. To soften it you could always hide behind the Covid regulations. You've already been more than generous with your time, but with some people give them an inch and they'll take the whole of the (ever-growing) radius of Tier 4.

Polite language and powerful non-defensive communication is your friend. Good luck. YA in no way BU.

I would certainly let him stay for a day or 2 - he is your father, after all, and is almost certainly lonely and finding it difficult to face going home to be by himself. Just have a chat about how long he wants to stay for. And try to relax around him a bit.

These were my immediate thoughts, too. Rudeness only seems unforgivable when it's females who are administering it. For the sometime-dad who absents himself from her life at will and then imposes his company for longer than agreed - over Christmas no less - apparently an outsize piece of CF'ery is all in the day's work

God forbid a man reaps what he sowed.

Op has already been very generous to have him over for Christmas at all and to attempt reconciliation. it's never enough if you're a woman, apparently. Nothing less than endless doormattery will do.

Don't you sound lovely. I wonder if you'll reflect on this period when he's no longer with you, and feel bad for the thoughts you were having.

Lonely? Probably. Possibly the result of his previous behaviour.

As pp said, this is what be disney dad's grow into. Lonely old men who use emotional insecurities to push themselves back into lives they once walked away from.

OP doesn't have to accommodate his desire to go round again, using her DC as the next generation of sacrificial lambs!

It's hard, but prob worth it for the sake of your son AND your dad? There are loads of men out there who were crap dads but try hard to be good grandparents. Let him try for as long as you can bear it (and yes, family can be an absolute pain)

Don't know much about your ages or situation OP, but remember that in 10 years he may not be around and you will be glad that they spent some time together.

Good luck. Grit teeth. Maybe have a drink......then discuss with your dad what time he's planning to be off tomorrow as you need to plan food/playdate in the park/shopping order around that?

@2magpies1pigeon

I would certainly let him stay for a day or 2 - he is your father, after all, and is almost certainly lonely and finding it difficult to face going home to be by himself. Just have a chat about how long he wants to stay for. And try to relax around him a bit.

I used to think like this. This is how we had MIL turning up every other day, and expecting to stay the night, and using tears to get what she wated. It became almost like it was HER house at one stage. Sometimes, a good deeed does not go unpunished. Our setup might sound harsh to others, but there are many reasons for this. She comes Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for a few hours each time, but must go home. Xmas eve, and xmas night we let her stay here, as felt especially bad about the lonliness, however this then turned into her expecting to stay until New years day, and saying we are horrible people who don;t care about her at all when we insisted she went this afternoon (and comes back on Monday and back to 'normal' then). So we are already being punished for trying to do a nice thing.

Its not always as simple as 'let them have their way this time' as that gets taken for granted, and for us at least, makes things 100% worse in the long run.

Put a few movies on,play with your dc,get your dad involved.
You may not get another Christmas with him.
At least if you make any effort,you've done your best.

@Smallgoon

Don't you sound lovely. I wonder if you'll reflect on this period when he's no longer with you, and feel bad for the thoughts you were having.

Do you think her father is reflecting on the shit childhood he caused for the OP?