How can I make him go home?

[yorkie99]

Dad came to visit for Christmas Day (both single adult households so all fine support bubble etc), he lives a couple of hours away. I thought I’d made it clear it was just for one night but he’s just dropped in he plans to stay again all day and tonight (and who knows, longer?!). I have an 8 month old baby and I was really looking forward to spending the day with him in our pyjamas and just the two of us. Dad is also very uncommunicative and I’ve just had to retreat upstairs as we were sat in silence for an hour and it’s not even 10am. AIBU to want him to do one? And how do I get him to leave without hurting his feelings?

So many judgemental posts. We dont all have the same experiences. Some of us won’t miss their parents when they are gone. Some of us find having parents around very traumatic. Have some empathy.

@SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge

I’m sorry this is hard. But there’s no way I could bring myself to ask him to leave. I would suck it up.

Same here.

The number of people projecting on these kinds of issues always baffles me. I remember someone having a go at me for going no contact with my abusive grandparents because his grandparents are dead and I should think myself lucky mine aren't. Shockingly, I do not think myself lucky. Sorry to all who have experienced the loss of a loved one but it isn't the responsibility of others to make up for it by treating their family better than they deserve just because they share blood.

You shouldn't worry about peoples feelings because nobody is worried about yours. Just tell him to go home as you are tired and need some space.

I really feel for you. My dad is also very difficult. I get so fed up of people telling me I should be greatful as their dads have passed away. Like we all have the same experience. Pisses me right off.

I thought that even with support bubbles overnight stays were not allowed ......

@Smallgoon

Don't you sound lovely. I wonder if you'll reflect on this period when he's no longer with you, and feel bad for the thoughts you were having.

So OP's Dad can do anything he wants, and if she has anything but positive thoughts about him, she should feel guilty?

Right.

@millymae

I thought that even with support bubbles overnight stays were not allowed ......

You are permitted to leave your home to visit your support bubble (and to stay overnight with them). However, if you form a support bubble, it is best if this is with a household who live locally. This will help prevent the virus spreading from an area where more people are infected.

www.gov.uk/guidance/tier-4-stay-at-home

Thats for the highest tier too, not sure which tier OP is in.

Well, this one's easy; just remind him you've got someone else coming tomorrow to stay over and that they'll need his bed

What's that - he'd forgotten? That's a surprise; after all you defnitely mentioned it so perhaps he wasn't paying attention at the time ...

Just tell him he needs to leave as he has outstayed his welcome. You need to be blunt with some people, they just don't get it.

@AlwaysCheddar

Home!!!

I already like you. I do my best proof-reading immediately after I hit "Post Reply" or "Send."

As for OP's delimna...Tell him you love him, but as he said he was only staying for one night, you've made firm plans. You're an adult, you don't have to tell him that your firm plans are spending a lazy day with your child.

Sorry about some of the replies you're getting OP. How are some people really so sheltered that "my dad" or "my mum" automatically means "someone who gave me a good childhood, is supportive, decent and loving"?

Another thread full of posts where the OP should just put up with it.

Shit, absent father now wants to play Grandpa to new grandchild.

OP should just suck it up, and allow him to impose on her any which way, because after years of not giving a shit, he NOW wants to be involved.

OP must just shut up and have absolutely no opinion on the matter because a)fathers die b)lots of poster's can't understand that not every person had a blissful childhood with an involved father.

OP please suit yourself.
Do not suck it up.

I bet he will love being alone with your baby!! Great move.

Have a lie down
Claim you don’t feel well
?

Ignore all the guilt tripping judgemental posts OP

The virtue signaling, martyrs and handmaidens either don't understand what it's like having a difficult relationship with your family or they want you to martyr yourself too so they feel better about their choices.

And ignore people who have lost their parents trying to guilt trip you, they're projecting their own feelings onto your situation. My parents are both dead but that has no bearing on your relationship with your father.

This man wasn't a good father to you, you owe him nothing.

By deciding to stay longer than invited he's putting himself first again and ignoring your boundaries.

As women we are socialised to appease selfish arseholes so they rarely face the consequences of their actions. Theres nothing wrong with you setting boundaries and letting him know he is reaping what he sowed now.

Can you ask him what time he was thinking of leaving? Suggest you pack dinner sandwiches for the journey etc etc. Is he driving, catching train ? Say it would be better to drive home in the daylight etc etc? Just massive big hints....

The number of people putting the boot into the OP without reading her posts properly is astonishing...

See, a lot of the time you have single mothers on here upset (justifiably) about the fact that their children's father have been able to move on so quickly and build a new succesful life with either no or minimum contact with their childre,n while the mothers are left (literally) holding the baby often at a huge cost to their financial situation, career, personal life etc. It is unfair and wrong that men can get away with it short term, but longer term this is the cost to them! You cant leave your children behind and expect to build an easy, comfortable relationship with them as adults.

(As a single mother myself I want to add HA! but that feels a bit mean)

Has he gone yet?

Incidentally I guessed from your first post that you did not have a very good relationship with him even before you posted more info - because if he had been more involved you would probably be comfortable slobbing around in PJs (and probably reverted back into a more childish version of yourself as well)

Don't do anything different. Stay in PJs. Hang around with your baby. He may just be glad of other people nearby and someone else cooking the food. If he's quiet, he's also no bother. Just let him be. Make him tea if you are making one. Cook dinners that are no bother, stick on old comedies like Dad's Army for him and leave him in peace until he's ready to go home. My dad demands 100% attention all day long. He never shuts up, is often ranting aggressively about people from the pats or making sly digs at my inadequate daughtering skills, whilst issuing complex demands regarding fetching carrying and prepping his medicine, meals and paraphernalia. But I wouldn't kick him out after one day at Christmas!

@Smallgoon

Don't you sound lovely. I wonder if you'll reflect on this period when he's no longer with you, and feel bad for the thoughts you were having.

@Smallgoon I wonder if he ever reflected in the 30 years he wasn’t with me and my DB and felt bad 🙄

@AlwaysCheddar

Has he gone yet?

@AlwaysCheddar. No still here. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I just asked him though (after cooking another dinner earlier) if he wanted some cheese etc to which he replied ‘in half an hour’! I feel like I’ve been at work the last 2 days.