Page 10 | To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

Dishwashersaurous · 26/12/2020 18:44

I think actually that the main issue here is the level of contact that you had with them previously.

It’s highly, highly unusual to contact friends every single day.

And if there is that level of normal contact then anything less, even a normal friend contact of once a month or so is going to feel very strange

beethecrackon24995 · 26/12/2020 18:52

Your post really irritated me op. The fact that you feel like this and have to ask tells me you are no real friend to someone with fertility issues. I don't think you were ttc for long tbh and got pg with treatment immediately do Pretty damn lucky. Pretty clueless to the sisterhood attitude. I would run a mile from being friends with types like you as indeed I did during my journey and have no regrets. Ffs you have what they are still longing for and may well not get a bfp as fertility treatment certainly doesn't always work. Pull your head out of your fucking backside and be thankful that you are now pg. Precious much

Cocomarine · 26/12/2020 18:54

It’s really sad that people who have been your emotional support for your recent fertility issue experiences, are not the right people to be your emotional support during pregnancy. But - it’s pretty obvious that they wouldn’t be, and honestly with 18 months of fertility treatment behind you, I’m surprised you ever thought they would be. It’s no-one’s fault. You did nothing wrong telling them you were pregnant. I’ve been through this myself and of course everyone asks when it’s testing time! I think your mince pie comment was slightly misjudged, but very very minor. So no-one’s done anything wrong - it’s just that you’re looking to the wrong people to talk to during pregnancy.

babbi · 26/12/2020 18:55

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP ..
I hope you stay well ... take care and look after yourself.

You’ve honestly not done anything wrong .
It’s just that you were sharing a journey with them and your path has changed.
You need to share this path with other mums to be now .

Good luck

Wolfiefan · 26/12/2020 19:01

Every mention of pregnancy or babies will be painful for them. Can’t you see that OP?
They can’t be your pregnancy support.

pringlebells · 26/12/2020 19:03

YANBU OP, I've been there too, it's an isolating and confusing time

Djouce · 26/12/2020 19:06

@Cocomarine

It’s really sad that people who have been your emotional support for your recent fertility issue experiences, are not the right people to be your emotional support during pregnancy. But - it’s pretty obvious that they wouldn’t be, and honestly with 18 months of fertility treatment behind you, I’m surprised you ever thought they would be. It’s no-one’s fault. You did nothing wrong telling them you were pregnant. I’ve been through this myself and of course everyone asks when it’s testing time! I think your mince pie comment was slightly misjudged, but very very minor. So no-one’s done anything wrong - it’s just that you’re looking to the wrong people to talk to during pregnancy.

I think that’s fair. And I agree that the only surprising element in any of this is that the OP didn’t consider that her pregnancy made her IVF crew very much not the people she could expect changing support from.

Blackberrycream · 26/12/2020 19:15

Omg. Vitriolic.
OP. These are probably acquaintances not friends. Despite some of the responses on here suggesting otherwise, it is not ok to make someone else’s situation about your own hardship. I have a couple of friends with shocking trauma in their background. They are still able to empathise with the small struggles and also, importantly, the joys in life. There seems to be a misunderstanding of what empathy actually is here. It is about understanding how others feel and it isn’t a one way street. Enjoy your pregnancy and good luck.

Blackberrycream · 26/12/2020 19:17

Sorry, vitriolic referred to a few posts back, not the above!

melj1213 · 26/12/2020 19:23

I am sad because the people I have supported (and who have supported me) for over a year are now not interested in talking to me anymore and it hurts

I think the issue is that you havent given them very much time to come to terms with your news in relation to their own fertility journey and you need to reassess your expectations.

Your OP says you're 9 weeks pregnant, that means it's probably only been about 6/7 weeks since you found out and told them. That is a very short period of time to expect them to digest the news, process their own feelings/emotions and be supportive at the best of times, never mind in the run up to christmas in the middle of a pandemic.

Christmas can be a massively emotive time for people, everything focusses on the magic of family and children etc, and right now those other couples may not have the level of support they would usually have due to covid so they may be struggling more than usual. So many people without fertility issues are struggling with their MH at the moment, a pregnancy announcement could have been the straw that broke the camels back for those couples and there just isn't the same support available to help them which could mean it takes them longer to process their reaction and be in contact.

You need to be careful that you dont push these people out entirely just because they havent been quick enough to be supportive. Knowing the kinds of struggles they have had you should have empathy to how they might be feeling and allow them a bit of time to process before writing them off. Six weeks is no time at all to expect people to have processed their own emotions and be your support.

I have a pre teen DD but due to health issues I have a pretty much 0% chance of naturally conceiving another child. I have known this for over a decade and have come to terms with the fact DD will be my only child. That doesnt mean that every time one of my siblings, cousins, friends announce the birth of their 2nd/3rd/4th child it doesnt bring those feelings of grief and loss back to the surface. I am always insanely happy for them and I dote on all of my nieces, nephews, godchildren, friends kids etc but after the initial announcement where I congratulate the happy parents to be, I invariably need to go low contact for a little while while I get my head together, and when we do talk i keep it 100% baby free.

All of my family and friends know this and respect my choice of how to deal with my emotional response and they know that if they want to talk about pregnancy, morning sickness, cravings etc then they do that to someone else and they come to me for everyday chit chat unless and until I bring it up, which is when they know I'm in the right mind space to be able to have those conversations.

elenacampana · 26/12/2020 19:27

@melj1213 - it’s such a relief to me to hear someone else react in the same sort of way I do. I don’t have an older child so our situations are different, but this is exactly what I do each time someone tells me about a pregnancy.

gingerbiscuits · 26/12/2020 19:33

@dancingqueen34

Please can everyone jumping on the thread read my previous posts. They asked me on the day I tested, so i told them. I turned down a mince pie and said 'no thanks, I feel a bit sicky' in passing once. That is the only time I have mentioned my symptoms. Once! I'm not banging on about it to anyone who will listen. I am sensitive to them and empathetic to their needs.

I am sad because the people I have supported (and who have supported me) for over a year are now not interested in talking to me anymore and it hurts. I understand I am being unreasonable in expecting more from them, but I want to reiterate the above points as they seem to be being missed.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest. I've been in both your position AND that of your friends.

It's unbearably hard but everyone can muster up at least a 'congratulations' - they'll all know how much it means to you.

Unfortunately, I think you'll need to probably just leave them to it & get pregnancy support & celebration elsewhere.

Congratulations!! X

Letthemeatcakeagain · 26/12/2020 20:11

@Blackberrycream it is not ok to make someone else’s situation about your own hardship.

they are not trying to make anything about their situation. They just want to try deal with the crappy hand they’ve been dealt and don’t have the emotional energy to ‘support’ the op who has had positive pregnancy news. frankly trying to rely on people whose own fragile mental health directly relates to pregnancy is cruel.

Would you insist your friend come and help you pick out a birthday present for your mum and organise a birthday party for your mum the week after her own mum died? And if she isn’t she wasn’t ‘supporting you’ or would acknowledge it would be cruel of you to put your friend in that position! Every day I am not pregnant stabs me in the heart when I wake up. I am not the person to support a pregnant friend and luckily my friends are not arseholes and all understand that.

@dancingqueen34 if you had any empathy for your friends at all you should have told them alongside the pregnant news that you totally understand that if they need to go low contact with you. It’s unfair to impose on them and your attitude is very selfish. I find it amazing how quickly you lost all empathy for what they are going through the minute you got pregnant! oP Appreciate how lucky you are. Appreciate how tough a time your friends are having and get a bit of perspective.

Blackberrycream · 26/12/2020 20:26

@Letthemeatcakeagain.
Support is the wrong word and that’s not really what OP expected which became clear in her further posts. It is good news and does merit a congratulations. No, I wouldn’t expect any of those things you mentioned.

melj1213 · 26/12/2020 22:23

[quote elenacampana]@melj1213 - it’s such a relief to me to hear someone else react in the same sort of way I do. I don’t have an older child so our situations are different, but this is exactly what I do each time someone tells me about a pregnancy.[/quote]
it is so hard to have those conflicting emotions and it is often so hard to put it into words as to how you can feel both immense joy for your loved one at the same time as a crushing wave of sadness at the reminder that you will never be able to make that same announcement.

Whenever I hear the news, I dont go low contact because I dont want to support my friend/family member but because I do. To be able to do that I need a little bit of time to process my own emotions, refresh my coping mechanisms, and set up my own support system first which is why I go low contact for a little while. Sometimes it has taken a few days, other times a few weeks or months but fortunately everyone has always understood and it has been a mutually respectful decision that they would not mention their pregnancy, after the announcement, to me until I brought it up to them. They always left the door open for general non baby chit chat and I always tried to check in regularly, if not as often, to keep lines of communication open.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/12/2020 22:36

It’s the one thing that they want more than anything else in the whole world and you’re having it.

Yes there’s absolutely no argument it’s not your fault that it’s happened to you first. However you can’t dictate how people should or shouldn’t feel. Also no you’re not going to much sympathy taking to friends going through IVF about pregnancy sickness.

Osirus · 26/12/2020 23:18

@dancingqueen34

I have a lot of friends who I'd like to tell *@Palavah* - I don't think that's unreasonable. This has been a huge struggle for us and I'm not going to hide it once it's past the 12 week mark

Having been through infertility yourself, are you really that clueless not to know why they might be avoiding the subject?

I’ve had successful IVF. You might find yourself surprised about how you feel about other people’s pregnancies once your baby gets to around a year old and you start thinking about a second, not knowing whether or not fertility treatment will work again. It really is a massive stroke of luck to get pregnant with treatment, and your friends probably realise this. I had a 15% chance on my cycle; they put in two embryos to bump it up to 29%. Tiny odds still.

Most cycles fail. Be kind to your friends; they will come back to you once your baby has arrived.

lilylongjohn · 26/12/2020 23:27

I know you're hurt by them, but they will be feeling a whole lot worse. Don't hide your pregnancy and enjoy it, but you can't expect, and you should empathy for your friends who haven't been successful with IVF.

GrumpyHoonMain · 26/12/2020 23:36

@dancingqueen34

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

I went through IVF for 5 years (on top of the 5 years we were ttc). I wouldn’t have considered someone who got pregnant after their first ivf treatment on the same level as me, I’m sorry.

I just wasn’t as interested as I viewed it as good luck. I was happy for them but didn’t really ask many questions etc. I was only interested in the pregnancies in women with similar situations to mine. Please consider that - ivf, especially when done for a long time, can blinker you a bit and there is a strong need to seek support from people you view as the same. It’s nothing personal - you just didn’t experience it as you went through it for just a short time relatively speaking.

Mumtogirls90 · 27/12/2020 00:53

Good lord people have been so mean on this post!

IMHO Enjoy every minute of your pregnancy OP! You deserve to, don't let this tarnish your experience. Share with friends and family who can be happy for you, let yourself be treated like a princess by your partner for the next 8 months. This is your moment, I'm sure when your friends currently struggling time (hopefully) comes they will indulge in all things pregnancy too. Think about yourself and look after your own happiness because nobody else will ❤️ congratulations on your pregnancy xxx

Letthemeatcakeagain · 27/12/2020 03:06

@Mumtogirls90 good advice but unfortunately all of that is not enough for @dancingqueen34 as she wants all her struggling friends to be her support network ignoring the hard time they’re having. As you said ‘think about yourself and look after your own happiness as no one else will’- her friends are having a hard time and she’s here bitching about them because she wants more attention from them for her pregnancy. It’s shocking.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 03:43

dancingqueen34 congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm so sorry people are jumping on the thread having not read what you said. A few people will just read the opening post and then jump on and say what they think applies.

It is very hard when people know your embryo transfer day to lie or obscure about what is happening. If your friends know the date of embryo transfer they would know when you would get a positive if pregnant, and they asked you.

You have not done anything wrong.

They simply cannot be there for you, and they cannot be part of the ongoing experience. And you have also acknowledged that up thread.

Like many I have been in both positions. Trying to get pregnant and being invited around for dinner to a couple who told us their happy news! I smiled and asked lots of questions, and burst into tears once we left. Several months later we went to the hospital to meet their baby and I was not sure I could go in and do it. I cried in the loo. But I went in and and met the baby. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I really wish you all the best with your pregnancy and sincerely hope your friends will be following on soon.

I think if you have had enough of people's opinions, please do hide the thread or ask for it to be pulled. You don't need this hassle. You need to focus on you and your friends need to focus on themselves. It's all very normal (and stressful) and I really do send you all best wishes.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 27/12/2020 03:49

Honestly im surprised you can't see why they don't want to talk about your pregnancy when they're struggling to get pregnant? It just be extraordinarily painful for them! Don't you have anyone else yoy can joyfully discuss it with? Does it need to be them, when you can clearly see it hurts them? Im really surprised you needed to post on MN about this as it seems really obvious

harrietm1987 · 27/12/2020 04:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I do think you’re being unreasonable here. You say in your OP that “if I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it” - that really implies it wasn’t just a one off as you’ve subsequently said. It’s also a touch melodramatic to say that you “think you can’t go on” because these people aren’t fawning over you. It’s only been a few weeks - you need to give them time and space and lower your expectations about how much support they’re going to be giving you. It’s surprising, given that you’ve been in a similar position to them, that you don’t have the empathy to see this. Surely you’ve got other friends and family who you can talk to about this. 12 weeks isn’t far away.

lunalulu · 27/12/2020 06:07

@dancingqueen34

I know your right *@Gizlotsmum*. I suppose it just hurts a bit, but perhaps I'd be exactly the same.

They should be the bigger people here and be nice to you. Yes of course it's hard for them, but if they are real friends they should be pleased for you too. It sounds like if roles were reversed, you would be pleased for them.

You're a nicer person. And I'm sorry as it hurts to be let down by people you thought you could rely on as friends 💐