To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

@metellaestinatrio and add in the deep biological desire and crazy need to have a baby to the mix too, and hormones and having to go through invasive medical procedures all while people talk non stop about the thing you would chop off your arm to get.

Cant even imagine wanting "support" from friends struggling with infertility. Just why.

A simple acknowledgement & the occasional "How's things?" is all she wants. Which I'm sure she would have done if the situations were reversed

But it's so unnecessary. I'm sorry but pregnant women have plenty of other people to acknowledge their pregnancy and ask how they are (I am pregnant, I get asked all the time).

I don't need not want my friend suffering from infertility to acknowledge my pregnancy and ask about it occasionally. I don't want her to put herself in pain to do that. It has no benefit to anyone. I can get acknowledgment and conversation about pregnancy from other people so yes in a way I do sort of pretend with her that I'm not pregnant. I don't see why it matters? It's far more important to me that my friend is shielded mentally from what is really triggering for her than for me to have one more person in a long line of people who already will be doing, acknowledge my pregnancy.

I never understand why people would want their friend to do that. WHY. Why would you want your friend to go away and cry buckets in private just so I can get asked how my pregnancy is going occasionally ffs.

The fact is there are plenty of other people who you can talk to about pregnancy. You don't need congratulations and acknowledgment and all the rest of it from someone it will hurt. And I don't understand why you'd want it from them either.

I lost my brother suddenly when he was 18, but it would be considered rude and melodramatic if I cut all my friends with living brothers out of my life, or they weren’t allowed to talk about their brothers in front of me

If you were grieving your brother and your friend wanted acknowledgment of and enquiries as to how her brother was doing from you whilst you were grieving, I'd say that was insensitive too.

It wouldn't be acceptable to not say congratulations when someone gets married because you are single

Fuck off. Infertility and being single are not comparable, even slightly.

I never understand why people would want their friend to do that. WHY. Why would you want your friend to go away and cry buckets in private just so I can get asked how my pregnancy is going occasionally ffs.

The fact is there are plenty of other people who you can talk to about pregnancy. You don't need congratulations and acknowledgment and all the rest of it from someone it will hurt. And I don't understand why you'd want it from them either

I agree. People have friends and family outside of infertility groups so speak to them. Don't announce a pregnancy to a group of people struggling with infertility and expect them to provide emotional support for your pregnancy if you're choosing to keep the pregnancy quiet from wider friends and family until 12 weeks. If someone wants to talk pregnancy then tell people who aren't struggling with infertility.

Which I'm sure she would have done if the situations were reversed

Yes, it's extremely easy to be 'sure' of what you'd do when the situations aren't actually reversed.

I’ve read all your responses OP so just wanted to say congrats on your pregnancy and well done in being sensitive enough to ask advice and then take it on board

• Didn't you want to have a brother? Having a brother changes your life you know.

• What do you mean you can't have a brother or they all keep disappearing? Have you tried relaxing? You've been trying for years? Maybe you should go on vacation.

• I'm going to have another brother in six months. Its like I just have to think about it and another one appears! I think I want at least four but then we'd need a new car and bigger house, FML.

• God, my brothers are being such a pain today - but don't worry, I wouldn't be without them, they give my whole life meaning.

• oh yes, every woman in town seems to suddenly have brothers around them all of a sudden, and when you think about it, all of society seems to be built around facilitating brothers.

• Everyone at work chats about their brothers and shows them on daily Team calls. Meanwhile you don't have a brother so they should get first picks at holiday dates.

• My friend's husband didn't want a brother so they had to split up. My other friend couldn't have a brother so they split up. Aren't you worried that'll happen to you?

• If you can't have your own brother, why don't you just adopt one? There are loads of brothers out there who need sisters.

• Happy sisters day everyone, so blessed to be a sister! Here, have 20 photos of my brother, and another 40 of me looking so happy with him, and DH and my parents looking so proud. I think I'll have another brother so he has one too. Oh! I just did.

You're quite right, the situations are 100% identical and its unfathomable how people might respond differently to the two. Consider my mind changed!

@zzizz

- Didn't you want to have a brother? Having a brother changes your life you know.

• What do you mean you can't have a brother or they all keep disappearing? Have you tried relaxing? You've been trying for years? Maybe you should go on vacation.

• I'm going to have another brother in six months. Its like I just have to think about it and another one appears! I think I want at least four but then we'd need a new car and bigger house, FML.

• God, my brothers are being such a pain today - but don't worry, I wouldn't be without them, they give my whole life meaning.

• oh yes, every woman in town seems to suddenly have brothers around them all of a sudden, and when you think about it, all of society seems to be built around facilitating brothers.

• Everyone at work chats about their brothers and shows them on daily Team calls. Meanwhile you don't have a brother so they should get first picks at holiday dates.

• My friend's husband didn't want a brother so they had to split up. My other friend couldn't have a brother so they split up. Aren't you worried that'll happen to you?

• If you can't have your own brother, why don't you just adopt one? There are loads of brothers out there who need sisters.

• Happy sisters day everyone, so blessed to be a sister! Here, have 20 photos of my brother, and another 40 of me looking so happy with him, and DH and my parents looking so proud. I think I'll have another brother so he has one too. Oh! I just did.

You're quite right, the situations are 100% identical and its unfathomable how people might respond differently to the two. Consider my mind changed!

👏👏👏

@zzizz

- Didn't you want to have a brother? Having a brother changes your life you know.

• What do you mean you can't have a brother or they all keep disappearing? Have you tried relaxing? You've been trying for years? Maybe you should go on vacation.

• I'm going to have another brother in six months. Its like I just have to think about it and another one appears! I think I want at least four but then we'd need a new car and bigger house, FML.

• God, my brothers are being such a pain today - but don't worry, I wouldn't be without them, they give my whole life meaning.

• oh yes, every woman in town seems to suddenly have brothers around them all of a sudden, and when you think about it, all of society seems to be built around facilitating brothers.

• Everyone at work chats about their brothers and shows them on daily Team calls. Meanwhile you don't have a brother so they should get first picks at holiday dates.

• My friend's husband didn't want a brother so they had to split up. My other friend couldn't have a brother so they split up. Aren't you worried that'll happen to you?

• If you can't have your own brother, why don't you just adopt one? There are loads of brothers out there who need sisters.

• Happy sisters day everyone, so blessed to be a sister! Here, have 20 photos of my brother, and another 40 of me looking so happy with him, and DH and my parents looking so proud. I think I'll have another brother so he has one too. Oh! I just did.

You're quite right, the situations are 100% identical and its unfathomable how people might respond differently to the two. Consider my mind changed!

But there is no suggestion the OP is doing any of these things. All she has done is told her friends she is pregnant (in response to a question from them) and mentioned feeling sick (which I, and now she, have acknowledged is insensitive). Other PPs have told tales of friends who have completely cut them out of their lives for having the temerity to get pregnant. I and a couple of other posters are just pointing out that this behaviour would be seen as unkind and unreasonable in the context of other (extremely upsetting) losses but apparently is only to be expected in cases of infertility.

@Dishwashersaurous & @Djouce just because you don't think pregnant women should tell anyone other than their partner prior to 12 weeks, doesn't mean that's the case for everyone.

I told 1 person 5 mins after I told DH as she knew we were trying (we're very close) we then told DH's parents & Sister at 7 weeks. This was because they are our only immediate family and also the people who would be a support to us if anything had gone wrong during the pregnancy.

There is no shame to telling people before you are 12 weeks pregnant

Fwiw, I don't think you are being unreasonable OP, I think it's understandable to be sad and hurt that friends who you are used to sharing everything with cannot share in this with you right now. But I also don't think they are being unreasonable either in feeling sad or hurt that it's not them who is pregnant.

My SIL has had many failed IVF rounds and never once acknowledged my pregnancy to my face. Yes, it hurt, but I didn't engage it. Her feelings of sadness were just as valid as my feelings of happiness. No right or wrong

My best friend lost both of her siblings in a car accident and I make a point of never talking about seeing my siblings or fun things we have planned etc as I know how painful her loss was and still is at times. However, even the week after my miscarriage she was still sending me photos of her kids. Some people aren't very sensitive or empathetic.

I wouldn't dream of seeking enquiries about my pregnancy from people who are struggling with not being pregnant. Plenty of other people to ask you or show an interest.

I don't need not want my friend suffering from infertility to acknowledge my pregnancy and ask about it occasionally. I don't want her to put herself in pain to do that. It has no benefit to anyone. I can get acknowledgment and conversation about pregnancy from other people so yes in a way I do sort of pretend with her that I'm not pregnant.

How patronising. And hurtful probably to some people. I would have much rather been involved and treated 'normally' than knowing I was excluded because someone else decided they knew my feelings better than me. And crying In private is part and parcel of infertility and absolutely nothing to do with you being pregnant.

No of course the OP isn't doing those things. But I'm trying to show how infertility can take over your life and turn you into a crazy person who you couldn't have expected or understood beforehand.

The biological need and grief can tear you and your relationship totally apart. It usually lasts years and goes through many long phases. You watch others succeed over and over again. You lose friends and loved ones and you lose yourself. You are a changed person at the end of it.

It is simply not comparable to being single or losing a loved one (both of which I have also experienced).

To emphasise, this is NOT to say that one is worse than the other or to turn it into the grief Olympics. It is saying that you literally cannot compare the response for one to the other, as people on this thread keep trying to do.

You would perhaps say that there's still no excuse - well, I would say that there is, so perhaps we're at an unsurmountable impasse. All I can say is that so many women react this way that it doesn't seem to be a fault of just one or two of us who are arseholes.

Definitely join a pregnancy group for your due date. I'm on an awesome UK one on Facebook and it's so nice being able to talk about things that you cant with anyone else. Lots of women there have conceived through IVF and had various struggles. I think it's a really importanttsupport network.

Your friends just dont have this in common with you, they're struggling fertility and you're pregnant.

@nokidshere

I don’t find that patronising at all. To me it’s considerate and something I could have done with from a few people during this experience.

@elenacampana that's fine though isn't it?. As I said previously, it's the notion that so many people think all people suffering from infertility feel the same when clearly that's not the case. It really annoys me.

@nokidshere

There is a lot more to infertility than not having things in common and as you can see from the vast majority of these posts, it is all about grief for most people - that’s what’s come across as clear to me.

There is a lot more to infertility than not having things in common and as you can see from the vast majority of these posts, it is all about grief for most people - that’s what’s come across as clear to me.

I know a great many people living with infertility. It's not about grief for quite a lot of them. In fact, the thing that a lot of them struggle with more is feeling that they somehow failed as a woman.

It may well be grief in others, perhaps people who can get pregnant but are unable to carry to term might struggle more with grief? But again that's too big of a generalisation.

All I am saying is don't exclude your friends from your pregnancies just because you think you know how they are feeling. As I said, for me being excluded would have felt very patronising and hurtful.

I know a great many people living with infertility. It's not about grief for quite a lot of them. In fact, the thing that a lot of them struggle with more is feeling that they somehow failed as a woman.

It was both for me though my self esteem did take a real battering, not being able to achieve something so basic. Even though logically I know there is nothing clever about it.

@nokidshere

I don't need not want my friend suffering from infertility to acknowledge my pregnancy and ask about it occasionally. I don't want her to put herself in pain to do that. It has no benefit to anyone. I can get acknowledgment and conversation about pregnancy from other people so yes in a way I do sort of pretend with her that I'm not pregnant.

How patronising. And hurtful probably to some people. I would have much rather been involved and treated 'normally' than knowing I was excluded because someone else decided they knew my feelings better than me. And crying In private is part and parcel of infertility and absolutely nothing to do with you being pregnant.

It's not patronising. If she wanted to talk to me about it she would. But she doesn't. So I don't bring it up.

I wouldn't then go on MN and moan that she didn't acknowledge it or ask how my pregnancy was going.

All I am saying is don't exclude your friends from your pregnancies just because you think you know how they are feeling. As I said, for me being excluded would have felt very patronising and hurtful

But it's quite obvious that OPs friends don't want to be included in talk about her pregnancy... Otherwise they would be asking about it/acknowledging it. That's the point.

If your friend asks, then fine. But you don't push it or expect it if they don't. And you certainly don't moan that they don't ask how your pregnancy is going. If they felt able to, they would have asked already.

@PurpleDaisies

It really depends on how many cycles of IVF your friends have had?

It really doesn’t.

It also kind of does. A first time first success is very different to multiple failures. If they have had several failed cycles to your first time succeeding they will find that hard too.

@nokidshere

I know people living with infertility, but more importantly, I’m living with it myself and you don’t seem to be as you use language like ‘would’, which shows you’re making assumptions.

So much of what you’ve said is way off the mark. I’d encourage people on this thread not to listen to you, you’re clueless.