To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable (following the extra posts and insight). Your friends will have known pregnancy was an outcome of your treatment, and therefore should be able to offer you a congratulations, as that is the goal after all! You have every right to feel sad that they haven't reacted how you wished, just as they have every right to feel sad that you're pregnant and they're not.

I do agree with other PP's that the dynamics of your friendships have probably changed for good (unless one or both fall pregnant too). It's unfortunate, but it is how some people cope after long periods of infertility. Maybe if you cast your mind back to one of your cancelled rounds, and imagine finding out a friend was pregnant, you can imagine the resentment you might have felt at the time. Not a reflection on you or their pregnancy announcement, but just a natural feeling to have considering your own journey.

I think the best thing you can do is offer to continue to support them through their treatments and let them know that pregnancy chat will be off the cards. As someone who had been through infertility and treatments, your support will be invaluable to them, as you will remember how they may feel at different parts of the cycles. Then find other people to talk to about pregnancy, the groups on here have always been really supportive when I have joined them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, i wish you all the best and hope you have lots of support once you've told more friends and family at 12 weeks.

@zzizz

And fuck me formerbabe you really know how to slap people in the face online. There is absolutely no comparison, none. Infertility and childlessness is like nothing else.

Really. I say that as someone who went through this in my first marriage. We all have our own experiences and there will be others who have gone through things that you have no inkling of. Feelings of pain and also jealousy are a normal part of life. Recognising that is fine. Jealousy is quite a corrosive thing though and this my pain trumps your pain attitude is self involved and unpleasant in the extreme. Good friendships should be able to survive different circumstances.

formerbabe turns up on pretty much every thread like this to minimise how devastating infertility can be.

Best ignored.

There are antenatal groups for pregnancy support

I wouldn't expect constant pregnancy support from people struggling with infertility or IVF.

@formerbabe

I’m in the fortunate position of not experiencing infertility. However, I’m astounded at your lack of empathy. What an utterly crass comparison.

Leave formerbabe alone
No need to pile on and in

[quote Haenow]@formerbabe

I’m in the fortunate position of not experiencing infertility. However, I’m astounded at your lack of empathy. What an utterly crass comparison.[/quote]
I'm not being unsympathetic. I'm sure it's absolutely fucking shit. I'm just saying infertility doesn't have the monopoly on shitness, nor does it give you a free pass to treat others badly.

This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

What exactly is it you need support with @dancingqueen34 you are happily pregnant. Why on earth would you expect your friends who are still in the trenches to use up valuable emotional resources to fawn over you during your pregnancy and sympathizing with you being sick when they would give their left arm to be vomiting for 9 months if it meant successful fertility treatment and a baby.

It amazes me you’ve gone from infertility and you should know the huge toll that takes on your mental health to saying waaah why won’t people be all about pregnancy and support meeee.

I mean you’re pregnant. It’s fantastic. Support your friends - they’re the ones still in the trenches.
And for gods sake don’t start sending scan pics or bump pics and whining about your pregnancy symptoms again if you care about your friends at all’

I don’t think people have read the OP’s posts. The OP was not looking for endless support just a simple acknowledgement or congratulations. She was sick and nobody commented. She wasn’t whining. A quick comment then moving on quickly would have been appropriate. She said she doesn’t want to feel she has done anything wrong by becoming pregnant which is how she was made to feel. That is not ok.

Op has acknowledged she was BU. All the best OP.

I'm just saying infertility doesn't have the monopoly on shitness, nor does it give you a free pass to treat others badly.

Nobody has demanded a 'free pass' or a 'monopoly on shiteness' , it's not a competition. All what people are suggesting is that perhaps a little bit of understanding and empathy for those who are dealing with infertility goes a long way. It's really not that hard.

Yabu. Congrats on the baby. But be sensitive to their feelings. By not answering they are probably saving you their pain. Join a new group. And leave the messeges on a simple no details contact.

@unassortedthoughts

I think you should be congratulated. I'm sure when they are successful they would expect it also.

However one thing I don't agree with is, announcements at 12 weeks, I mean no time in pregnancy is truly safe. I had all my losses in second trimester. (16 weeks, 21 weeks, 24 weeks)

And obviously they aren't going to be as excited for your baby as you and your immediate family will be, no matter the struggle, honestly it's life, that's why I don't talk about my pregnancy because frankly it doesn't interest anyone.

But at the same time, I can see why it would annoy you if no1 said congrats etc, but maybe ease of the hinting about pregnancy woes around them. .

But congrats! And happy 9 months, I hope everything goes truly well

I've had numerous misscarriges at different stages. So in my eyes none of my pregnancies were safe until I had the baby in my arms. So I never enjoyed any pregnancies. Hugs

What exactly is it you need support with @dancingqueen34 you are happily pregnant. Why on earth would you expect your friends who are still in the trenches to use up valuable emotional resources to fawn over you during your pregnancy and sympathizing with you being sick when they would give their left arm to be vomiting for 9 months if it meant successful fertility treatment and a baby.

It's so patronising to think that everyone who has suffered pregnancy loss and/or infertility can't possibly be supportive and kind.

In the 17yrs I was ttc my 5 sisters had 13 children between them and most of my friends had multiple children. I would have been very hurt to think they felt they couldn't celebrate their pregnancies with me because of my own situation. And I would never make someone feel guilty because of such lovely news.

Sure, I went home and sobbed after. Felt jealous and envious that it wasn't me, in some cases I even felt that I deserved to be a parent more than they did. These feelings don't go away but they were my feelings not theirs. Most people I met on my infertility journey were, and still are, able to be happy for, and interested in, their friends pregnancies and subsequent children.

When I finally got my bfp I would have been very pissed off if the people I supported and loved for all those years before had been unable to support me back. I would have understood but I would still have been hurt.

I am still friends with the people I met whilst trying to ttc. Some now have children and some don't. We still support each other but we can be ourselves. Because that's what friends do. Sometimes it's hard, and sometimes you have to tread carefully but it can be done and friendships can be maintained.

Congratulations on your pregnancy op 💐

Please give them some time. They are probably happy for you but with Covid, infertility and it being Christmas which is all focused on families, your news will draw focus on what they want most but don’t have. It’s not about you.

You did nothing wrong in telling them your wonderful news but you really don’t need to be telling them about symptoms etc as it sounds like you’re very excited and perhaps unconsciously rubbing it in.

OP, I was ‘your friend’ years ago so can see her side, having gone through decades of fertility treatment in the UK and overseas, costing around £70k.

I can fully understand why you’ve not been congratulated by her....she is hurting like hell. She is raw and probably feeling alone. To congratulate someone on having succeeded in achieving what their own dream was is utterly utterly painful and heartbreaking.

I’m now NC with my only sibling because she did what you have done. I specifically asked her not to tell me before their 12 wk scan, I explained we were grieving for what might-have-been and that we wanted to be treated ‘normally’.

With this information, my sibling went against this, made it about her and it killed me. She had prioritised herself & showed me who she was.

Having now had children, I can understand the excitement in wanting to share the news but you would also do well to remember the trauma and bereavement you had to endure to get here and that others are still going through that.

Many congratulations on your news. Wishing you a calm and enjoyable pregnancy xx

I'm sure they're really happy for you, they're just devastated for themselves. I felt like this when I was going through IVF after years of trying and my 2 best friends fell pregnant. It took me another 2 years before I had my first own family. I was so happy for them but couldn't really interact with their pregnancy or their babies at first, it took a while. It's best not to share details with them, just a generic 'all's fibe' is the kindest you can do for them even if you're about to throw up 🤣🤣 xx

Fine!

@nokidshere many of my family and friends have had multiple pregnancies in the years I’ve been trying. I have never been sent a bump picture, scan picture or had pregnancy mentioned to me outside of obviously tell me they were pregnant and when they were due. My friends know I love them and am happy for them. They didn’t feel the need to push their pregnancies in my face as they understand I am going through a tough time and they’re so lucky to be in their position. As a result I’ve never had to go through what you did going home and crying my eyes out. When the babies are here I’ve been an active part of their lives as they are little people in their own right and our relationships have not changed or suffered as I appreciated them accommodating me during their pregnancies and they appreciate me making an effort with their children once they are here.

I’m sure they got plenty of pregnancy support from their partners, other family members and other friends if they wanted to moan about swollen ankles or getting fat or morning sickness but they knew I was not the person to be saying that to and to get that kind of ‘support’ from.

They also knew that if there was an emergency (and in one case there was and I was front and centre) they could call on me but people don’t need to drain their friends going through fertility problems by insisting they are very involved in their pregnancies in general. It’s a wonderful thing that’s happening to them and it’s tough on people going through infertility to provide that kind of support and honestly I think it’s unnecessary and cruel to put them in that situation.

I would love to have been 100% there for them but I also need to mind my own mental health and I didn’t ask to be in the situation Im in and it’s not my fault. I do my best and I don’t think being supportive and then sobbing when you get home is good for you.

@dancingqueen34
for context my friend had success after 1 round of IVF. I am moving into round 5 next year. She told me she was pregnant in a text and said she knows Im happy for her but she 100% understands if I need a break from chatting to her or if I want to talk less at any stage and that is totally fine for her. We are still chatting away but neither of us have mentioned the pregnancy again yet. I’m not in the headspace for it at Christmas especially and my friend doesn’t feel the need for her pregnancy to be front and centre. I was actually the 1st person she told which I am really touched about and I am already planning what gifts to get baby when baby arrives but I can’t do pregnancy support.

@Letthemeatcakeagain

I totally get what you are saying and you did what you needed to do for you. That's one of the reasons though that I find it patronising to lump all people with fertility problems together as a single entity.

And I should add that I didn't spent 17yrs going home and sobbing, but probably did on some occasions. Most of the time I just learned to live with it, as you do.

I got pregnant with my first round of IVF/ICSI at the age of 38. Subsequent cycles didn't work. DS is nearly 21, but it hurt before that when anyone got pregnant, or after whenever everyone else got their second (or even third). Just find a different group to share with. Your friends will come back to you when they're ready.

YABU I’m afraid, especially if you’re mentioning pregnancy symptoms to them. Morning sickness is crap but, as with all things, you complain to the people having an easier time than you, not a harder one. Google ‘ring theory’.

In an ideal world, they would be able to be both glad for you and sad for themselves at their continued lack of pregnancy, but in reality the feelings of grief that seeing your pregnancy bring may just be too much to bear. It is kind of a double grief, because someone who was going through the same thing as you has now moved on, so you are now lonely (once again) as well as missing the baby you cannot have.

YABVU. Find literally anyone else to tell about your pregnancy symptoms.

Please can everyone jumping on the thread read my previous posts. They asked me on the day I tested, so i told them. I turned down a mince pie and said 'no thanks, I feel a bit sicky' in passing once. That is the only time I have mentioned my symptoms. Once! I'm not banging on about it to anyone who will listen. I am sensitive to them and empathetic to their needs.

I am sad because the people I have supported (and who have supported me) for over a year are now not interested in talking to me anymore and it hurts. I understand I am being unreasonable in expecting more from them, but I want to reiterate the above points as they seem to be being missed.