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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless Aunty

276 replies

superfly25 · 24/12/2020 17:56

I'm a childless Aunty not by choice. Just never happened for me. After shelling out on gifts for nieces and nephews am gutted to not have a single present from my siblings. Even my Grandparents only now buy for the Great Grandchildren. AIBU to expect even a small gift or card?

OP posts:
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 25/12/2020 22:04

Yanbu op. We only buy for kids but I always buy xmas and bday gifts for my childless uncle for this reason. He has no kids so still gets gifts. Hope you managed to have a lovely day xx

PenguinTherapy · 25/12/2020 22:38

Another childless auntie here. As a child, I remember mum making sure we kids were involved in choosing and giving presents to our own childless relatives and family friends, which were are always addressed from us and it was drummed into us that these people were so kind to buy us gifts and therefore deserved a token of thanks in return.

Now that we're all adults, my Dbro and SiL are the most tight-fisted misers you could imagine (I could write a book about it). They have 3 dc under 10 years old. DSis has an 18 and 20 Yr old. Until this year, we've all bought for everyone but this year I was the one to suggest a change. 2020 has been very bad for me - I work in the creative industries and DH works in hospitality. Both of us are holding onto our jobs - just - but I've taken a massive paycut and expecting to be made redundant early in 2021. So I suggested buying for kids only. DBro jumped at the suggestion but then sent me his kids' Xmas lists - nothing under £85 on any of the three lists. I asked for something cheaper and was told that since I was no longer buying for adults, my budget should increase. I explained the situation (which he already knew) and was told his kids shouldn't suffer for my poor life choices. I chose cheaper presents (£25 each) but haven't had a thank you nor any form of acknowledgement today. I'm genuinely not bothered about a gift, although a token would be nice, but a thank you and an acknowledgement that I am a part of the family and not just a cash cow would be particularly lovely. DBro did text last week though to tell us about his massive Christmas bonus, so that was nice and not at all ill-judged.

Otoh, DSis turned up yesterday with an amazing platter of lovely posh cheese. Said it didn't feel right for me to buy for all the nieces and nephews and not get something in return - and she didn't expect our DBro to do anything for me so she had spent a bit more than usual.

Ginandplatonic · 25/12/2020 22:46

If you think of it in terms of family units - my family (me, DH, 4 kids) receives 4 presents from my single, child free brother. I can’t even fathom the mindset of people on this thread who think it’s fair and reasonable for his “family” - just him currently, to receive nothing in return. That would be hurtful, unfair and a terrible lesson in selfishness for my children.

woodhill · 25/12/2020 22:46

@PenguinTherapy

Another childless auntie here. As a child, I remember mum making sure we kids were involved in choosing and giving presents to our own childless relatives and family friends, which were are always addressed from us and it was drummed into us that these people were so kind to buy us gifts and therefore deserved a token of thanks in return.

Now that we're all adults, my Dbro and SiL are the most tight-fisted misers you could imagine (I could write a book about it). They have 3 dc under 10 years old. DSis has an 18 and 20 Yr old. Until this year, we've all bought for everyone but this year I was the one to suggest a change. 2020 has been very bad for me - I work in the creative industries and DH works in hospitality. Both of us are holding onto our jobs - just - but I've taken a massive paycut and expecting to be made redundant early in 2021. So I suggested buying for kids only. DBro jumped at the suggestion but then sent me his kids' Xmas lists - nothing under £85 on any of the three lists. I asked for something cheaper and was told that since I was no longer buying for adults, my budget should increase. I explained the situation (which he already knew) and was told his kids shouldn't suffer for my poor life choices. I chose cheaper presents (£25 each) but haven't had a thank you nor any form of acknowledgement today. I'm genuinely not bothered about a gift, although a token would be nice, but a thank you and an acknowledgement that I am a part of the family and not just a cash cow would be particularly lovely. DBro did text last week though to tell us about his massive Christmas bonus, so that was nice and not at all ill-judged.

Otoh, DSis turned up yesterday with an amazing platter of lovely posh cheese. Said it didn't feel right for me to buy for all the nieces and nephews and not get something in return - and she didn't expect our DBro to do anything for me so she had spent a bit more than usual.

Why would you put up with that? I spend max £20 on my nephews and we will stop buying when they turn 18. Just grabby and I wouldn't be dictated to
HighSpecWhistle · 25/12/2020 22:52

YANBU 💐

PenguinTherapy · 25/12/2020 22:55

Woodhill

Because I love my nieces and nephew and don't want to punish them for their parents behaviour. The compromise though is a spending limit. Chances are, next year it will be even lower.

FiveToFour · 25/12/2020 23:01

My DSis and I both have children,and gave presents to our nephews and nieces until they were adults,now it's a card only.
But we still exchange presents ourselves.I'm surprised people don't do that,she is my sister,I love her,I want to give her an Xmas pressie!

Dazedandconfused28 · 26/12/2020 06:04

I found this before I had children - I was so irritated the year my family announced there would no longer be adults gifts, just buy for the children. I had 15 kids to buy for & no presents for myself!

kavalkada · 26/12/2020 07:11

I'm really sorry OP. I understand how it feels. I was a childless auntie for years and never received a single present, so I'm sure never to do that with my kids.

I have a dear friend who doesn't have children and she always buys my children a thoughtful gift, and I do the same for her. Just because she doesn't have kids, doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve a Christmas and birthday gift, chosen with love and care.

They don't deserve a gift from you.

Mmn654123 · 26/12/2020 08:12

@FiveToFour

My DSis and I both have children,and gave presents to our nephews and nieces until they were adults,now it's a card only. But we still exchange presents ourselves.I'm surprised people don't do that,she is my sister,I love her,I want to give her an Xmas pressie!
Yes that really upset me too. I used to enjoy finding lovely thoughtful things for my siblings. Kids are easy to buy for so it’s not the same. But with siblings you have a lifetimes knowledge of their likes and dislikes and favourite things. The reality is that aside from saving money, they’d long since stopped making any thoughtful effort in return even when we were still exchanging gifts. As someone said, I’m not their third child. They want to make zero effort for anyone but their children.

And I find that sad. My mum still exchanges gifts with her siblings. I thought we would all be the same.

But given they want to make no effort for me, I’ll make no effort for them or their children.

Gosh this thread has made me so annoyed given the replies by some parents I’m seriously reconsidering my Will this morning. Everything is currently split evenly between my siblings and their share is split equally between their children, if they die before me. Why in the name of goodness would I give everything I’ve ever earned to them? I need to ponder on this more. Sends totally the wrong message to the next generation if they see their parents (or they) can ignore someone and still profit from them.

Cailleach · 26/12/2020 08:42

@Mmn654123

I was thinking the same this morning...I think I'll redo mine in the New Year and give it to charity. One of my siblings is a high earner with a partner who earns even more, the other has a partner to support them. My parents are comfortably off and wouldn't need it.

TheClitterati · 26/12/2020 09:11

Did you buy for your siblings and your siblings not buy for you?

If not I don't see your point. If everyone is buying for the children& adult family members aren't buying for each other how are you missing out?

julieandertoninthewarehouse · 26/12/2020 09:12

This thread has made me feel so much better, knowing it's not just me. DH and I didn't get one thank you from any of our nieces. nephews or godchildren yesterday. Or any of their parents. DH says next year they'll get a token gift only and we'll spend the rest on a break away somewhere. Sounds good to me 😃

julieandertoninthewarehouse · 26/12/2020 09:14

@TheClitterati

Did you buy for your siblings and your siblings not buy for you?

If not I don't see your point. If everyone is buying for the children& adult family members aren't buying for each other how are you missing out?

Dear me.
Mmn654123 · 26/12/2020 09:24

[quote Cailleach]@Mmn654123

I was thinking the same this morning...I think I'll redo mine in the New Year and give it to charity. One of my siblings is a high earner with a partner who earns even more, the other has a partner to support them. My parents are comfortably off and wouldn't need it.[/quote]
Indeed. I have some cousins who I haven’t seen much over the years but we exchange Christmas cards. One is a single mum and her child has severe special needs, one is in a dreadful relationship and has three kids. It would make a big difference to their lives or the lives of their children. I remember my uncle inheriting £50k from a distant relative he barely knew (he had a tough time, wife died young leaving him with two kids to raise). He was so lovely he insisted on splitting it evenly with his siblings including my dad. Can’t imagine mine doing that! Lol!

But I think time to check out how the wider family are doing and adjust my will accordingly.

Mmn654123 · 26/12/2020 09:27

@TheClitterati

Did you buy for your siblings and your siblings not buy for you?

If not I don't see your point. If everyone is buying for the children& adult family members aren't buying for each other how are you missing out?

Because if you have no children yourself, you are spending money and receiving nothing back in kind as you have no children to benefit from the arrangement. So it’s entirely a selfish and self centred arrangement by grabby greedy parents to maximise assets flowing into their family group while minimising any effort or expenditure out of their household in return. HTH.
Mmn654123 · 26/12/2020 09:30

@julieandertoninthewarehouse

Dear me indeed. No point trying to reason with some people. Too absorbed in their own world to even comprehend how rude they are being.

Bet they all assume they or their children will inherit everything from the childless aunties too. Screw that!

Mmn654123 · 26/12/2020 09:33

@julieandertoninthewarehouse

This thread has made me feel so much better, knowing it's not just me. DH and I didn't get one thank you from any of our nieces. nephews or godchildren yesterday. Or any of their parents. DH says next year they'll get a token gift only and we'll spend the rest on a break away somewhere. Sounds good to me 😃
I think a great idea for a low budget festive gift is sending a Christmas pudding per family unit. So maybe £7 maximum per household. One of my friends tells me she does this. Or a box of biscuits. Job done!
Backbee · 26/12/2020 09:41

This thread has made me feel so much better, knowing it's not just me. DH and I didn't get one thank you from any of our nieces. nephews or godchildren yesterday. Or any of their parents. DH says next year they'll get a token gift only and we'll spend the rest on a break away somewhere. Sounds good to me 😃

That sounds like a great plan to be honest, really bloody rude to not even get a thank you. DS is currently making an absolute mess with DH making thank you cards, and we phoned everyone yesterday to say thank you, it doesn't take much does it.

nina97 · 26/12/2020 09:43

No, definately yanbu.... I never understand why people do this... Next year no gifts for them but buy yourself something lovely with the money, wrap it up and put it under the tree for yourself ♥️🎅.

HosannainExcelSheets · 26/12/2020 09:45

That's rubbish. My sister is childless by choice, and always gets my children very thoughtful gifts. I've taught them to return the thoughtfulness, even if she doesn't usually end up getting "creative" home made gifts. I usually get her something nice as well, although sometimes I'm probably not as thoughtful as I should be (I'm a single parent to 3 children with additional needs, and while that's not an excuse it does mean I'm usually exhausted and short of time and money).

woodhill · 26/12/2020 10:51

@PenguinTherapy

Woodhill Because I love my nieces and nephew and don't want to punish them for their parents behaviour. The compromise though is a spending limit. Chances are, next year it will be even lower.
I get that but I am shocked at requests for £85 presents and your db having the cheek to criticise your career choices. What wonderful career does he have?

I'm glad you didn't pander to the present listSmile

Shedbuilder · 26/12/2020 11:41

Mmn654123, your post has made me stop and think.

If I were to die in the coming months my siblings and their children would inherit substantial sums. I sent my siblings and their partners hampers from a local supplier this year (£100 each) and their children (all late teens/ young adults) have had £100 cash each. I'm down the best part of £1000 and not one of them has contacted me to say thanks. Of course they may do in the next day or two — but with texts and DMs one might hope they'd have been able to spare me two minutes out of their busy Christmas day.

I've had a couple of small inheritances over the years that really helped me along the way. They came from relatives whom I'd kept in touch with and exchanged Christmas/ birthday cards/ gifts with since I was a young independent adult. I did so not because I expected to inherit but because I liked and respected them as individuals. They were interesting people whom I liked spending time with. I can only conclude from my own family's behaviour that there's no liking or respect or interest there.

I'd be mad to leave any of them money when I die. It would be rewarding bad behaviour.

MrsMarrio · 26/12/2020 11:47

YANBU. I'm the youngest in my family by over 10 years so didn't have any children until this year and I used to buy for my nieces and nephews and never used to get single thing from my siblings and I thought it was really rude.

Grilledaubergines · 26/12/2020 12:37

That’s awful OP. My sister doesn’t have children and never will now and I can’t imagine not making the most massive deal of her and her generosity because her childlessness is sadly not through choice and because she’s so thoughtful.

When people allow their children to effectively make the rules and put them on a pedestal where everyone else’s feelings don’t matter, they have seriously fucked up.

OP, review how you do things from now on, both for your sake and as a lesson to the selfish unthinking people around you.