Childless Aunty

[superfly25]

I'm a childless Aunty not by choice. Just never happened for me. After shelling out on gifts for nieces and nephews am gutted to not have a single present from my siblings. Even my Grandparents only now buy for the Great Grandchildren. AIBU to expect even a small gift or card?

When people allow their children to effectively make the rules and put them on a pedestal where everyone else’s feelings don’t matter, they have seriously fucked up.

This. I do worry about the kids of these parents. The world will be a huge shock to them.

Even if you agree to buy for kids that doesn't mean you expect the childless to buy for your kids and nothing back in return
Normally when people say buy for kids is to keep cost down so as not to buy for a family of 5
I would def buy a present back for a aunt/ uncle with no kids even if just a little token present from the children

I think some of you need to reevaluate your relationship with your siblings and their DC.

Please have a look at how much time you spend with your n & n's. Do you ever take them out, call them up, take them to the cinema, down the park, offer to babysit, or do anything for them? My SIL has never once done any of the above yet professes to be Aunt of the decade with a gift on Christmas day. It is all very transactional too. A few years ago I was told that my presents aren't what she likes and it is better if I ask what she wants. I have since been asked for beauty sets, makeup and links to clothes that she wants. She is nearly 50.

The greatest gift you can give a child is your time. Snuggling up on a sofa watching a Disney movie with your aunt and eating chocolate. A trip down the park feeding the ducks or playing your PS4 with her. This is what makes a relationship, not dropping in once a year and giving a gift to a child that may not recognise you in a line up.

Some of you are spending way too much money on them. My DB doesn't have a lot of money but my 2DC think he's ace because he takes them fishing and he whatsapps them.

@GoingPlaces2021
And what do you do for your brother in return? Do you give up your time to help him decorate his home for example? Or invite him to join you on family holidays, assuming he’s alone? What does he get from you for the time and effort he puts in to ensure your children feel loved and secure and have good role models in their lives?

And yes I have taken that role with the children of an extended family member. But only because the parents themselves were screwing up so badly that someone in the family needed to step in to prevent the children being permanently damaged. The parents eventually separated after years of living together ‘for the children’ whose lives were a complete misery because of them. They’re adults now and are NC with their dad and pretty low contact with mum. Sad.

@GoingPlaces2021
Your posts are really beginning to annoy me
I do those things with one siblings children. And we exchange mutal gifts.
The other sibling is as people have said- no thank you or anything. But unlike your view, we do try and build relationship with those kids. However we are kept at arms length until its comes to birthdays/presents. Reasons given include, they want to do more with the cousins, relationships are closer on the maternal side, so on and so forth. So to the outside it might seem like lord and lady bountiful, but its all we can do for those kids-and when you only find out what they are into each year by asking what they want for xmas (because fine is ok the rest of the time you ask for they are) then people do tend to go overboard. Because getting the wrong gift causes more issues. And we have to deal with the tears and tantrums of all this. Because we are unreasonable for not buying, getting it wrong etc. Been there done that
It’s offensive to just assume that those of us saying this happens haven’t tried tbh....... even before you mentioned SIL that the relative you didn’t like was one

Sorry, deleted the end of that post, i meant to say was your sister in law. Husbands sister I guess? Easier to keep them away isn’t it

@GoingPlaces2021
Not that I’m implying your brother thinks you’re a crap parent. Maybe he just really likes spending his time with your children.

I posted a similar post a few weeks ago and most people told me that I shouldn’t expect anything in return and criticised me for feeling the situation is unfair. I am glad you are getting more balanced replies here. Sorry, it sucks and you have every right to feel unappreciated/ taken for granted and the situation is unfair and very rude of your siblings. We spend hundreds a year with barely a word of gratitude

There definitely seems to be an expectation among some parents that childless aunts and uncles should do things with their children - and I'm not saying it's fun to spend time with nieces and nephews (we ended up adopting two of ours!). But the resentment starts when it is always one way and siblings with children never do anything to support their childless siblings, never show gratitude or even thanks for presents and other money spent on the children. After a while it grates because it does matter. No one likes to feel used.

My brothers children were brought up to expect expensive presents from me. My brother also expected to inherit our dads house one day and his eldest son after him - that entitlement made that particular child grabby, unpleasant and downright nasty. At the age of 10 he was telling me that when he lived in our fathers house I wouldn't be allowed to even visit unless I bought him what he wanted when he was a child. The words were straight out of his fathers mouth. They are both fucked now because dad is leaving everything jointly to my sister and I but that's another thread.

People without children aren't always in relationships and so get presents from a spouse or partner. Often they don't have as much spare cash as a family with children. To expect them to keep giving and getting nothing in return is selfish.

YANBU.
I’ve always brought Christmas gifts for my Sis and her partner. They are childless but trying. My Sis has always brought a few extra token gifts for our 3 DC along with a reasonably priced gift from their Christmas gift lists. I always check (suitability & price) the kids’ gift lists first and then distribute to family and friends who have asked for their gift lists. I would never dream of sending a gift list to anybody who had not requested one, as I think that is presumptuous and rude. I also list the retailers and prices.
Expensive items are not included within our DC’s lists and are only brought by us (parents &/or Father Christmas).

Thank you messages are sent on Christmas Day including FT calls to my Mum, Step Father & Sis even if we are abroad for Christmas. We then follow up with Thank You cards to all during the following two weeks. Our DC are expected to hand write their own Thank you cards. DC only had to write their name or add a scribble at the bottom of the card, when they were too young to add more.

The extended family on my side (Grandmother, Mum & Aunts) decided not to include adults many moons ago as we are a huge family with 30+ Grandchildren/Great Grandchildren/young Cousins. Although, I still buy Christmas gifts for my Grandparents, Mum, Step Father, Sis, Aunts and for the few children of my adult cousins.
My adult cousins with jobs and without kids don’t bother buying presents for my young DC or the other young DC in the family. Maybe they think they don’t have to, because their Mothers’ are doing it (my Aunts)?
I buy token gifts for some family adults at Christmas, as the costs would be silly otherwise. I do this as some of them would have hardly anything or nothing to open on Christmas Day. Plus, they are also making the effort to buy Christmas gifts for our DC and in some cases DP & I.
I spend more on my Grandmother, Mum & Sis, adult DC and DP than I do on the other adults in the family.

One of my Aunts still buys a Christmas gift for our adult DC as she obviously doesn’t want to leave them out. We don’t see any of my aunts often (2-3 times a year), as we all live quite far away from each other. This particular Aunt also always sends Birthday gifts for our 3 DC (inclu. adult DC), so I will be showing her and my Uncle an extra bit of appreciation this Christmas/New Year by sending them something extra nice during the next week or so.

The similar ‘no adult Christmas gifts’ arrangement has been in place for as long as I can remember on my Father’s side of the family and the extended family is even bigger. I do not buy or send Christmas/Birthday gifts or cards for any of my six Uncles on my Father’s & Mother’s side of the family, as they never bothered doing the same for me (even when I was a child/teen) or my DC.
I send Christmas cards/messages to my only Aunt (lives abroad) and cousins on my Father’s side.

Unfortunately, Most men appear to be rubbish at this and prefer to ‘let’ their female partners do all of the buying and tideous hours of wrapping presents.
My partner needs to be involved at the ‘ideas, financing, actual purchasing, wrapping and posting stages’ or his Nieces and Nephews do not receive any Christmas gifts (there are 16 of them).
Saying that, if we have made plans for any of DP’s family to visit us during the Christmas period, I will always ensure that the children receive gifts from us. Their parents seem to be happy with this arrangement, as the work along the same lines re. us.
My DP’s family don’t send Christmas or Birthday cards. We’ll only receive cards from them if we’ve made plans to see each other to celebrate Birthdays or Christmas.
I ensure that our DC sends Christmas and Birthday cards and gifts to DP’s Mum. She’s a lovely Mum/Grandmother and spoils all of the 19 DC in the family throughout the year.

DP has always been generous with gifts for me and our DC, but in the beginning I had to explain to DP that I like to receive a Birthday card along with the gift. Not so bothered about a Christmas card from DP, although we have exchanged Christmas cards on & off over the years if we remember (we both forgot cards this year - too busy & distracted to remember). And the gift needs to be removed from the plastic bag and placed in a gift bag or wrapped!

I think this is how things have turned out for some humongous families. People just can’t afford the cost as there are huge numbers of children and/adults to buy for. Small
token gifts for all would be a good option, but unfortunately some people are grabby (usually adults & parents in my experience) and turn up their noses at token gifts.
I’ve suggested token Christmas gifts only, to family over the years, but they just ignore me and continue to spend more. I personally think that they give expensive gifts thinking that they’ll receive expensive gifts back. The suggestion of a minimum Secret Santa gift price limit of £50 this year for adults proved that assumption. I declined to take part before knowing that there was a minimum spend limit. I spend much more than that for all of the adults that I buy for on that particular side of the family, so I am being tight.
I have a grabby childless adult family member in their mid 30’s who only stopped distributing both Birthday & Christmas gift lists a few years ago, after having to be told that it was inappropriate. Both token and expensive gifts were included on their lists. Nobody had requested their gift lifts. This family member would open gifts and would look disappointed if they felt that the gift wasn’t to their liking. The last straw was when they asked the gift giver to exchange the expensive gift that they did not want for a gift on their gift list!

I have also suggested that everyone should bring a food dish, so the same people are not lumbered with doing all of the buying and cooking of the food over the Christmas & New Year period. Again, did not work so I just refuse to have them all (additional 15-20+ people) over at my house during Christmas. We all end up hosting smaller groups across several households over the 10 day Christmas & New Year period (not this year due to Covid).
I also need to relax and do not want to feel like I’m running a restaurant. Last January, I suggested we all book to eat out together on Christmas/Boxing Day so no one has to be tied to the kitchen. No one was interested and said it would be expensive but had no problem suggesting that we host Christmas instead!
I’m usually exhausted, esp. as I also have a demanding job and end up feeling run down and catching the flu. That happened last Christmas 2019 and other years before that. Our best Christmases have been at home with just the five of us and sometimes with just a few more people or when we have spent Christmas abroad.
I still buy Christmas presents for the same people when we go abroad for Christmas, so we don’t run away abroad at Christmas to avoid shelling out for gifts.

I absolutely refuse to overspend on Christmas gifts, as I have other more important priorities to allocate my hard earned money on. So, grabby relatives can get stuffed and buy their own expensive stuff.

IMO, even though Christmas is not about the religious aspect anymore for most people. If the religious act of giving gifts (The Three Wise Men’s Christmas gifts of Gold, frankincense, and myrrh) is going to be included and celebrated, then everyone should be included (where financially possible), even if it’s a small token gift to unwrap on Christmas morning. It shows that people care about you and have thought of you.
I do not think that people who are unemployed or about to lose their jobs/made redundant should be buying Christmas gifts for anyone, except small gifts for their own DC if possible.
I have one close family member in this situation who did this, even they have been told not to do so. They are not very good with money and like nice things (ie. usually expensive).

If the current Christmas gift giving situation is an issue for people in any way within their families, I would suggest that they ‘talk’ to their family members and friends re. future Christmases.
Communication is the key to everything.

I know it’s a very long post post, but I’ve seen too many of similar posts like these re. Christmas gifts on MN over the years.

...family, so I am not being tight.
😄

• The last straw was when they asked the gift giver to exchange the expensive gift that they did not want for another expensive gift from their gift list!

@PenguinTherapy
Your Bro (I’ve removed the D!) is simply a CF.

Well its teatime Boxing Day and this childless aunt still hasn't received a card, a text or a call from DB or his teenagers to say thank you for the presents and money I sent, even though I know my DM has reminded him. I also have the older teen on SM so she could easily have messaged me herself. It wasn't much this year as money is tight and the cynic in me wonders if the kids are disappointed as they usually get something more expensive from me...

The mother of his other DC has kindly messaged me to say thank you for her DCs little gift, even though I barely know her.

I'm done for next year tbh. I used to get thank you cards, pictures or a thoughtful little gift but I've realised it must have been now ex-SIL driving that. I'm basically giving hard earned money away every Christmas to kids I barely know, with zero appreciation.

I’ve now caught up on earlier posts, as I wrote my previous very long post in intervals.

There are way too many people on here spending ridiculous amounts of money on Christmas gifts. Childless or not. Especially Aunts, as this is what this post is about.

The poster moaning that they spent so much on other people that they now cannot afford to buy anything in the sales for themselves - why did you do that?

•Do not give to receive.
•Do not expect anything and buy your own expensive stuff.
•Spoil your Nieces and Nephews with expensive gifts if you want, but then they may always expect it and sadly as in most responses on here, you won’t get anything back. Not even a thank you!
•Save your hard earned money on yourself, if you’ve realised that you’re spending money on people who do not appreciate you or won’t even acknowledge you unless they realise that you haven’t sent them anything.

You’ve learnt a lesson. Scale back people!
This is my Christmas present to you (and it has not cost anything, except my time) 🎁

Merry Christmas 🎄🌟

@Wheresyourclapham
Completely agree! I’ve scaled back to sending nothing at all and will be writing all the ungrateful siblings and their offspring out of my will!!! From now on, those who bother with me benefit from me.

I am also a childless aunt.

What you describe doesn’t sound great. I certainly spent more on the kids than my siblings do on me (or I them) but I am fine with that as a lot of the kids presents are school trips etc and I like to contribute.

I feel for you. If you want to do something for your nieces and nephew then how about spending on a shared experience like theatre or cinema, or taking them shopping or something? That way you get a nice experience too, so you won’t feel so resentful of your selfish siblings.

No you're aren't

I have always bought childless aunties and godparents presents from my DC, because they are being kind enough to buy for my children and we love them x

Tbh my sis (childless) has always been second parent to my DC until she died and she got super presents from kids and me and we buy back for godparents who have or don't have children. I would be mortified if I didn't , Even if it is homemade pottery that cost me £28 to fire between the three, I would always do something !

Seems to be fairly common..
I have one sister, we dont speak,at all or even look at eachother but will be in the same room to see her children.

They are my only niece n nephews I am their only aunt on their mams side(no uncles at all on either side) obviously I spoil them for xmas etc and sister usually wraps up some sort of cheap tat as a token for the kids to give to me and partner(I still love this as they will have tried to scribble their names all over it )

Not this year. They watched their children open the gifts we'd gotten them...did not say thank you nor tell the children to say thank you.

They opened the gift I gave for their new baby and ignored it.
And left without handing anything to me and my partner. My mother was utterly disgusted. Some people have no manners and will always be like this.

I'm also a childfree, single aunt.

I stopped buying presents for my brother's three children a couple of years ago. Two are teenagers and one a pre-teen, I rarely see them as they live a couple of hundred miles away, and I didn't get a single thank you, not even a text or FB message - which would have taken a few seconds to send - last time I got them presents so I don't bother wasting my money on them.

Strangely, I got nothing from their parents for years until last Christmas when they sent me a token present and then enquired if their children's presents had been lost in the post when I thanked them.

Excellent result, Notadramallama!

You could reduce these gifts to token gifts e.g. selection boxes. Unfortunately you cannot make people buy you gifts. You can however buy one for yourself, with the money you save.

Strangely, I got nothing from their parents for years until last Christmas when they sent me a token present and then enquired if their children's presents had been lost in the post when I thanked them
Christ. The cheek of them. But well done you !

Unfortunately you cannot make people buy you gifts. You can however buy one for yourself, with the money you save

Noted for next year

Strangely, I got nothing from their parents for years until last Christmas when they sent me a token present and then enquired if their children's presents had been lost in the post when I thanked them.

Wow! I hope you gave them the answer they deserved!