To teach her the "correct" name for it?

[notyourmummy]

My in-laws were shocked today to overhear my 3yo saying she was just wiping her vulva after she'd been for a wee. They think it's wrong for her to call it that and she should use a more "child friendly" word (tuppence was grandma's suggestion). Now my husband has said that he actually agrees with them and he doesn't think it sounds right her saying vulva.
Background info, I'm a survivor of childhood abuse and, although it wouldn't have made any difference what I'd called anyone's genitals, I think that's had an impact on me wanting my children to know and use the right words for them.
So, YABU - she should use a more "child friendly" word.
YANBU - it's good for her to use the correct name.

Why are you using "been for a wee" if correct names are so important?

Because "I've been for a wee" is universally understood. Like "I've stubbed my toe". Where as "I'm wiping my flower" and "uncle Bob licked my cookie" are not.

There was an incident in a school where a child told her teacher that uncle Bob licked her cookie and the teacher didn't get the importance of that until the mum told the teacher many months later that the child had a rash on her "cookie" and was in some discomfort. Only then was the abuse reported.

@nocoolnamesleft

About 20 years ago, I was a junior doctor, working in a children's health clinic alongside a health visitor. The HV came to me, saying she was worried about one of the babies because "they had a hairy fairy". I was completely bemused. Why were they telling me about the baby's doll's hair??? It took several minutes of mutual incomprehension before it became apparent that she was talking about pubic hair, and we could move onto arranging investigation for possible precocious puberty. Thus I can absolutely understand how use of variable cutesy terms could impede communication by a child of what had happened to them.

Medical staff always shorten words and use abbreviations in clarking notes....

@Littleyell

Yes. But they’re medical abbreviations in a medical context- I.e. terminology 100% understood by everyone reading.

It’s not “patient presents w/ sore p.p dx cystitis”, is it now?! What’s your point?

Uncle Bob and the cookie is made up....right?

[quote AnaisNun]@Littleyell

Yes. But they’re medical abbreviations in a medical context- I.e. terminology 100% understood by everyone reading.

It’s not “patient presents w/ sore p.p dx cystitis”, is it now?! What’s your point?[/quote]
They are not officially.... they have just been shortened many of times I don’t have a bloody clue. Drs don’t walk around saying vulva not even when you have a smear. Behave.

@Littleyell

Here you go babe. Patient-facing literature with numerous references to “vulva”. Not “tuppence cancer” not “fairy cancer” not “tutty cancer”. Vulval cancer.

www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/vulval-cancer/getting-diagnosed/screening

Now you behave.

I know the correct name... however it’s not often in real life I hear people saying vulva and that’s in REAL LIFE not MN land. *That was my point... Merry Xmas.

I taught my children vulva, vagina, and penis but they came home from nursery and school having learnt other slang so typically a penis is known as a willy. However, I cannot think of a single time in either my life of that of my children when I or they have felt the need to tell people they have been wiping their vulva after having a wee. It’s just not a typical sentence. 🤷🏻‍♀️ “Mum my vulva stung after I did that wee” yes but not “Grandma, I did a wee earlier and wiped my vulva afterwards.”

They also don’t say “Grandma, I did a poo earlier and ensured my anus was thoroughly clean afterwards.” Although I can think of many occasions they’ve yelled “Mum, I’ve done a poo and need you to come and wipe me.”

YABU not necessary.

I genuinely can't believe the amount of people who actually believe non-anatomical names used by female CSA victims don't make conviction more difficult. You're treading very dangerous waters.

@randomer

Was there ever a more overused phrase than " safeguarding issue". Its a whole industry. Just like CBS, DRB or whatever nonsense is flavour of the month. I expect Huntly and Carr had paper work aplenty. Common sense has packed up and left the building.

"Whatever nonsense". Like the prevalence of sex offenders' acquitted of rape/downgraded sentence due to offences against 14/15 year old boys on the basis of "skilled" defence barrister work arguing said minor consented due to development of an erection and ejaculation during rape. Nonsense, yes?

Correct names are important but not at age 3. Tbh I cringed a bit thinking about how I'd feel if DD4 said vulva. No thank you.
"Wipe your bottom" is perfectly acceptable.

My boys say penis and I'm used to hearing them say it now. I say willy quite often and they're always talking about their balls. So I think it's weird to be comfortable with that and not vulva. I remember getting vulva and Volvo mixed up a lot as a kid.. could never figure out why the car brand had that name!

It makes me cringe even though my dd5 and dd7 both know the correct words. I use them frequently when they're bathing for example to reinforce them. But I also use the work nunnie as they prefer using it especially my youngest.

Penis and vagina sound fine but vulva just sounds weird. So they know what they are but I'd rather they said nunnie than vagina as that's not correct anyway.

They are just words - why not use the correct one?

@WhipperSnapperSteve,obviously you are an expert in this field.My point is that thousands and thousands of pounds are spent on paperwork to say people are safe to work with children and those very people do hideous things. Just as people use correct terminology and still are abused.

@randomer why would Uncle Bob and the cookie be made up?

You seem determined to think that the current safeguarding measures and use of proper names for body parts doesn’t work. Why is that?

In PP’s example, of course it wouldn’t have prevented the abuse- that’s down to the perpetrator- but it would have stopped it months earlier.

There's significant evidence that children who know the correct names are less likely to be abused because they make less suitable victims. Children with the language, and open home environment to be able to discuss their genitals are less likely to keep abuse secretive. Abusers choose children they feel are more easily manipulated and silenced. When I did a paeds placement I sat in on few abuse cases, horrible stuff.

I've never heard of 'nunnie' and cannot see what is weird about 'vulva'.

I agree with Almostslimjim.

My point is that thousands and thousands of pounds are spent on paperwork to say people are safe to work with children and those very people do hideous things

Some people do yes. But it goes a long way to help weed out people who aren't suitable. It's not perfect of course but the rates would rise massively if we didn't have any checks at all. What would you suggest as an alternative?

That makes sense @Almostslimjim. I’m sure I was told that on my safeguarding course (school governor).

I don’t understand what makes people cringe about the world vulva.

I think I said ‘private parts’ when I was a child. I’m not sure what I’ll tell my daughter to say but this thread has made me start to think about it.

One thing I know is that I don’t like cutesy nicknames for female genitalia - it seems like some people would rather than anything other than vagina, vulva, labia, clitoris etc, which is really weird to me. There is undoubtedly inbuilt shame about the names of female body parts.

Safeguarding aside, when my DD caught threadworms and came running through crying because her vulva was itchy I knew exactly where to check. If she'd only known a general catch-all term I might not have caught the wee bugger as quickly and would have had an even more uncomfortable DD who was already distressed.

Vulva is not a vulgar word and she learned it whilst learning all her other body parts. Point at body part and say "arm", "leg", "head" etc. She knows her body is her own but she can tell us exactly where is sore/itchy/whatever. She is almost 8 and knows that there is polite conversation and not to announce things loudly if they are private but she could tell anyone in charge of her what her issue is.

Good for you TheMobile.