The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

@Ohtherewearethen

I genuinely think that gift giving can be quite hard for men.

@CheltenhamLady why?!

It's impossible to shop with a penis dontacha know 🙄

Agree when, and why did he stop buying gifts?

After Christmas you need to calmly tell him that it’s not ok. That gifts are important to you and you want him to prioritise it

Sounds crap, I'd be disappointed too but there are 3 other adults in the house. You need to be questioning why your adult children are so selfish as well as your husband and address this.

I genuinely think that gift giving can be quite hard for men

I agree. Those poor little sausages are so run off their feet with the stresses and strains of owning a penis, how could they possibly be expected to actually listen to their loved ones, look at the style they like, what they enjoy etc and buy them a gift accordingly? God forbid that they should look at an Amazon wish list!

@justanotherneighinparadise
That’s called the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
Not choosing to have a strop on Christmas Day when there has been so many opportunities before

I'm a female who is quite bad at choosing gifts. Which is why I start early and ask the kids for their preferences and listen to hints. There's no excuse for not bothering.

I genuinely think that gift giving can be quite hard for men

Oh my goodness, some of these posts are unbelievable!
“Happy Christmas, noticed your gloves were looking a bit done so got you this lovely leather pair”
“Here’s the candle I know you like but don’t buy often because it’s a bit more expensive”
“Would you like me to pour you a glass of this bottle of your favourite wine?”
How hard is that? How extravagant? How extraordinary to expect a man to think about little things that would make his wife feel cared for at Christmas?
The bar some of you crawl under is quite shocking.

I am team op all the way. It must be so disheartening. You have done the right thing calling him out, now to wake up Christmas Day, do presents, pour yourself a prosecco/Buck’s Fizz and say Dh is doing Christmas dinner today darlings. Shall we play a game or go for a walk? Later I’ll read my book, I’ve been looking forward to it.

I had this for my first Mother’s Day. I was so angry. It’s the only time I’ve ever told him to fuck off. I wasn’t going to try for a second with him unless he could put in effort for Mother’s Day the year after.

I've changed my mind from earlier.

What a shit. You deserve better. Go and book into a fancy hotel and leave him to it

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t think you are sulking, but I do think you need to raise your expectations. I think he should have facilitated a present from your daughter. I also think he should make sure that he buys you something lovely from him. And I think your adult sons can certainly afford a gift too, after all, they can also make things.
I don’t understand why people think Christmas is just for children. We all buy each other gifts, not usually expensive,but thoughtful, but in addition my Dh and I have a secret exchange of about 10 presents first thing, and we do both get childishly excited about it. He knows the shops I like and my interests, and I him. We both feel special.
You are tier 4, but once those restrictions end, I think I might be looking for a slap up weekend away somewhere lovely with an afternoon of shopping, or a trip to the beach and a bag of chips, depending on budget.

I feel exactly the same 💐 and it's my Birthday Boxing day. Can't imagine much thought will be going into that day either.

OP I'm so so sorry that this is the case. Your husband needs to take your children at the earliest opportunity to make up for the fact he's completely forgotten about you, and get you some amazing gift to make up for all of it. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this.,

PoloNeckKnickers
This is sad, but you were complicit in his lack of effort in previous years by buying your own present and handing it over to him to wrap.
Ah yes. It's all my fault. I see now

Stop being so touchy. Yes - you HAVE encouraged him to be useless over the last few years

This year you've decided to kick off about it

And good for you

But don't absolve yourself of culpability - you have let it happen and it has perpetuated

And please don't ever let your teen suffer in all this shenanigans. Which I think she will if your strop continues

Jesus greenspace , could you be any more dismissive ?

Touchy ? Fucking touchy ?

Don’t worry OP , yet again It’s all your fault , that poor penis carrier not being able to think for himself. However does he manage at work I wonder .

I genuinely think that gift giving can be quite hard for men

Ah, if their mother's and father's made excuses like that then things will never improve for the forgotten who rush around remembering everyone else only to be forgotten themselves!

Enabling the useless, forgetful selfish ones doesn't really help at all.

I'm sorry but what a useless and selfish man.

I don't think ANY of it is OPs fault, we are all brought up to be compliant and not make a fuss but there does come a time when like this year OP doesn't have a single present from anyone and everyone else will be sitting opening theres when you just think fuck this. I'd be livid.
The first year my ex husband tried this crap I cancelled Christmas.
I went up to read a book and didn't cook or do anything, he just sulked downstairs.
I suggest you do the same OP, take yourself to bed and they can all sort it out between them. Guaranteed they will not do it again next year after a miserable christmas.
There is literally no excuse for this to happen. I find gift giving very hard as people I buy for have everything - so do I leave it to the last minute? No I start looking in October/November because I want them to enjoy opening my gifts and to be happy.

Also astonished at the supermarket chocolates comment ff's. A bottle of lovely chanel number 5 perfume. Takes literally 5 minutes to order on line, 10 minutes maximum to wrap. Almost zero effort and is a lovely gift and he cannot even be fucked to do something like that. Unbelievable.

*Jesus greenspace , could you be any more dismissive ?

Touchy ? Fucking touchy ?

Don’t worry OP , yet again It’s all your fault , that poor penis carrier not being able to think for himself. However does he manage at work I wonder .*

MN at its best

If we allow people to treat us like shit - they treat us like shit. Of course they shouldn't treat us like shit, but when they learn it's allowed , they take the least line of resistance

The man is a tosser and I wouldnt have let him get passed one birthday/valentines/Christmas with his shocking present buying attitude

The OP let him get away with it for a few years. He'll probably do just fine going forward now he knows the new rules 🙄

OP I'm so so sorry that this is the case. Your husband needs to take your children at the earliest opportunity to make up for the fact he's completely forgotten about you, and get you some amazing gift to make up for all of it. Oh yes, daddy needs to take two adults and a teenager by the hand and take them shopping.

I don't think presents are the issue if you're right.

Not gift-giving per se (obviously) but gift-giving that women actually want. Maybe I am difficult to buy, for but I am quite choosy so a 'candle' might be nice, but if it was Diptique or Byredo that would be even better. Ditto handbags, gloves etc. I like certain brands and it is wasting money to buy stuff that is not quite what is wanted.

My OH is great at choosing gifts that are a bit quirky and whilst I very much appreciate the thought, they are not always what I want. I, therefore, steer them in the right direction. To be fair, it has worked as they are all much better at it now.

Nothing to do with having a penis though, more to do with not knowing much about shopping or brands. I am not great at buying stuff men want either to be fair so their lists help me a lot too, and I don't have a penis.....

@Sn0tnose

I genuinely think that gift giving can be quite hard for men

I agree. Those poor little sausages are so run off their feet with the stresses and strains of owning a penis, how could they possibly be expected to actually listen to their loved ones, look at the style they like, what they enjoy etc and buy them a gift accordingly? God forbid that they should look at an Amazon wish list!

God forbid that they should look at an Amazon wish list!

Did you actually read my post!

@justanotherneighinparadise

I’m not sure people are blaming the OP. I just think why wait for Christmas to blow a grenade? I doubt the OP is being treated well by her husband on any day of any week. So you need to sort it out at source not wait for a Christmas or birthday to have a tantrum.

Women who need presents to evaluate their self worth in a relationship have a bad relationship.

really, he treats me really well overall. I want for nothing. He just seems to find gift buying stressful so he has decided to absolve himself of that responsibility by saying he was 'busy' or 'forgot'. He is actually a lovely man but I feel really sad that so much effort is put into Christmas by me for everyone and the one thing he was to do was take young teen DD out to buy me something and even with reminders, he managed to not do it and 'forget'. He has no idea what I have bought for the kids and seems to think I am so wrapped up in maternal and wifey love that I am happy to sit smiling whilst everyone opens gifts on Xmas morning except me. She has now spent time making me things which is adorable but she was upset that she couldn't buy me something with her own money because 'dad was always busy'. Too busy for me