The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

Do you Communicate what you want ? How do you react when he gets it wrong?
We don't do adult gifts waste of time and money -such a relief

ddl1 On the other hand, he may just be a selfish bastard!

damnthatanxiety
Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me.

I thought it was bad that my EX doesn't take DD out to get me something, despite me making sure every birthday, Father's Day and Christmas is covered for him... but this is just awful! I'm angry on your behalf.

OP you have every right to be upset that none of your family have thought to get you something for Christmas. Sadly it looks like the children follow their dad's lead.

Make sure you let them know you are upset. When the presents are handed out, ask where yours is. And make sure you tell them how disappointed you are. No strained smiles and gritted teeth; let them know how it feels. I actually wouldn't spare their feelings, the children are old enough to know way better. They need a boot up the backside!

I'd be very tempted to give no presents yourself... an 'oh, I didn't think we were doing presents this year' or a casual 'I forgot' would certainly make them all think about their behaviour.

I'd seriously be thinking about whether I wanted to be with a DH who thinks so little of me.

Merry Christmas OP and a hand to hold to you and all the hard working women who have made sure Christmas happens with little thanks in return.

Totally with Bitcharama
OP is one adult of four. Tbh in similar circumstances I don't think I'd give any presents to the adults in this situation. Let alone cook for them
DD18 came up with same comment independently

If I do nothing at all towards dinner tomorrow, probably DH and 2 adult DD's wouldn't notice at all. We'll just potter through prepping and putting stuff on to cook together while sipping Christmassy drinks 🤷🏼‍♀️

@damnthatanxiety you weren't forgotten. Not by your lovely daughter anyway. Let husband know all is NOT forgiven and it will not be accepted any more but don't let it spoil xmas. Your daughter deserves an enjoyable day with her mum that she obviously cares very much about

I get it, OP.

What's more, it's really not a difficult concept to understand, so all the faux innocent wide-eyed 'its not just about stuff' posters are either being unkind on purpose, or are irredeemably thick.

@1forAll74

Surely you can all have a lovely peaceful Christmas, without all the issues about not getting presents. It doesn't mean that people don't care about you, this in nonsense. You are not being sidelined at all. I think that some people, mainly women folk, have the very same issues as you, but don't make a fuss about everything.

Oh, yes, those silly women just need to shut up and put up

As regards the younger child - I would make a suggestion. I would tell her - and perhaps her siblings - that, as this is a time when shopping is difficult (you don't need to add 'and your dad is useless at such things'!), you would like a different sort of present: that she should make or do something for you. She could draw you a special picture; she could do something 'crafty'; she could make up a poem or song or story for you, or she and het siblings could act a little play for you; she could do some chore that she usually doesn't do, so that you don't have to do it. Etc. Or combine several of these! Such presents are often the best.

@DreadingSeason2020sFinale

For all the people saying "Just do less", or "Christmas stuff are unnecessary" and "Christmas doesn't need to be special"

To YOU. Christmas isn't special TO YOU. YOU don't care that much about it. YOU might be okay with not receiving gifts. YOU might think it's just another day but come the fuck on, you know you're the exception to the rule. Christmas is fucking huge. It's massive. It's a big event to millions of people. It's important to people who celebrate it. If it didn't matter, why would iChristmas even be a thing at all?

It is important in OP's family. It is important to the husband and children that they receive gifts, have the decorations up, have the big meal with the trimmings etc. They just don't care their wife/mum wants that too. And it's shit for her.

This!

That is disgraceful he puts his sister's before you. I can't think of anything more hurtful especially as he did not do it on purpose, just not even given given you a thought. I would be choosing a very very expensive piece of jewellery and charging it to him. Something that would make him remember me in the future. Plus make him cook Xmas dinner. You sit down and put your feet up. I hope he feels crap when you present him with his gift tomorrow. He is treating you like a house keeper instead of a much loved wife.

op l totally understand, l too think it very important that DH/DP's organise their children/teen to go gift shopping, doesn't matter if it costs £1 or £50.
It is the appreciation, thought for the person. Recognition of all the efforts, and instilling in Dcs a consideration for others which is sadly lacking in many people.

Not having time equates to cannot be bothered.

He needs a good talking too (and kick up the rear)

Lots of people share finances. It's not a punishment for the DH for OP to but something expensive on his credit card if they share money. Besides, who wants to wear something expensive that just reminds you that your husband CBA to get you a present?
I still think that DD, who is still a child (and a thoughtful one) deserves a decent Christmas, which is why I would try to give her that. Everyone who says the OP shouldn't have to is right but if the h doesn't step up then there's no choice - she can't put her DD in the middle of it.
But there would definitely be serious conversations taking place with my husband, if I was the OP and much less effort being made for him until he got his priorities sorted.

I get it OP, the people saying why can't he just go out and get some supermarket chocolates just don't understand. He could have spent all of 5 minutes buying something online a couple of weeks ago, but just chose not to, knowing he can put it off because your feelings are bottom of the pile. He simply didn't care about upsetting you.

The bar is seriously low for some people on this thread. It doesn't matter if Christmas isn't important for him, he should recognise that it's important for you. My DP isn't from the UK, he grew up in a country where Christmas is nowhere near the big deal it is here. He'd happily not acknowledge it at all he gives that much of a crap. But there are presents for me under the tree, and a nice meal cooking, and he'll get up with my children (not his kids) tomorrow morning because he understands.

You will not be spoiling Christmas if you go on strike, they spoiled it, not you. And it will not be their present to you to take over the workload, they should be doing it anyway.

Finally is it any coincidence that the only relative that's made an effort is your female child?

OP,
Absolutely appallingly bad.

He can organise himself for his sister's but not his wife of 30 years.

Somehow he has got it into his head that this is acceptable.

Well it wouldn't be here, married for a similar amount of time.

Down tools is exactly what you should do.

Do not capitulate and step in.

He took the time for his sister's because that was important for him.

I'm sure there are loads of little things you do for him that make his life easier.

Pull right back.
So far back that he won't know what hit him.
He needs to feel it where it counts...his comforts.

This shit is what ruins marriages, chip by chip.
It's about letting you know that you matter.
He has made it clear you are not a priority.

It most certainly is NOT about money.

So sorry OP.
Very hurtful.

I'm really shocked at some of the posts on this thread trying to blame the OP or suggest it's not a big deal.

She's absolutely being taken for granted and treated as unimportant.

OP I hear you and sympathise.

He didn't forget. You don't forget it's Christmas. He didn't forget presents for his sister's. He just couldn't be bothered to put himself out for you because he didn't care how that would make you feel.

I think you're right to "down tools".

It's not your job to make Christmas great for everyone else - he can step up to do that.

In your place I'd also be looking on line to buy a nice present for myself.

@Fbtw Is reading comprehension an issue? Who the hell wants a gift card bought at a grocery store from a panicked and selfish ass hole of a partner? You'd be grateful for that? Raise your standards. The OP has said she didn't want that

I do find that Christmas makes so many of us feel taken for granted.

Personally I would store this up and after it’s all over sit your DH down and lay out how hurt you are and what you expect.

Pulling back from Christmas rarely works out for anyone

@ChickenyChick That's a nasty thing to say to the OP that she "ruined" Christmas-I hope you're proud of yourself being horrible on Christmas Eve

Oh and I would have no problem at all letting the rest of the family know why you are upset.

We teach people how to treat us.

Like hell would it be acceptable in this house for my husband to treat me so badly.

Fxxk that.

Your husband is a very poor parent, you are right.

My husband has always made it clear that mummy's birthday/Christmas gifts were important.

Making cards and regifting me tge same bottle of perfume a few years in a row...but that's another story.🤣

The point is being kinď and thoughtful to those you love, live with and do so much for.

No way would this be acceptable.

I genuinely think that gift-giving can be quite hard for men. I have/had a household of 5 of them!!

Hence, years ago when the kids were all quite young we decided that mum and Dad would have an Amazon wish list to share for Xmas, birthdays and Mother's/Father's Day. It serves two purposes: One as a reminder that they need to get organised and two that they get something we actually want/need.

They all choose from the list and then they all buy a 'surprise' gift taking hints from the list. As they have got older it has dropped off a little and now they all either club together to buy us a fabulous weekend away or the 'training' from earlier years means they can now choose great gifts.

I would have serious words OP, but in I would do it January and again next November to ensure the message has got through. You have to set the bar for them and explain why.

My DIL to be complimented me the other day on raising a son who knows how to buy great gifts!!

Oh dear how annoying and inconvenient for him that his Christmas creating domestic appliance has woken up to the realisation that she is a person too 🙄🙄

Outrageous op and the minimising posters - your internalised misogyny is showing.

Dh is awesome at presents and everything really. I get gorgeous carefully chosen clothes jewellery and books. He does at least half of everything else too despite a very demanding job. Just trying to provide a counter balance to the shit men on this thread.

Hope you manage to have a lovely time anyway op xxx

He used to make the effort but no longer does which begs the question:

what has changed and is this decline a vision of the future?

I’m not sure people are blaming the OP. I just think why wait for Christmas to blow a grenade? I doubt the OP is being treated well by her husband on any day of any week. So you need to sort it out at source not wait for a Christmas or birthday to have a tantrum.

Women who need presents to evaluate their self worth in a relationship have a bad relationship.

I’m sorry OP, that’s rubbish 😔
I became a single mum when my sons were 12&8. So they’ve been trained from quite young in gift giving. They buy for me, each other, and I encourage them to buy for their df as well. They’re now 18&14, ds1 managed to buy gifts for his girlfriend, and there is a pile of gifts under the tree (without any nagging on my part).
So I’d have another chat with all of them on January, lay out your expectations (as you say, it’s not about the money, but putting in the time and the thought). I’d give your dc some leeway, but I’d definitely be peed off with your “d”h.

I genuinely think that gift giving can be quite hard for men.

@CheltenhamLady why?!